New to the blog? Did you know I’m having a Year of Me? Last time, I shared about my Fitness Goals Update. Today, I’m talking all about my Nutrition Goals.
Nutrition
I had such a disordered relationship with food during pregnancy. During pregnancy, it was more about eating whatever it took to keep myself from throwing up than it was about satisfying cravings. Eating around the clock and staying on top of my anti-nausea medication were the only two things that made me feel minor relief.
One of my main goals with nutrition was to do weekly menu planning with Philip. We’ve met this goal every week since beginning the Year of Me. We’ve worked together to find healthy menu items that work for the whole family. We continue to work on portion control and balancing all of the food groups. I have the same breakfast and lunch almost every day. For me, having the same meals for breakfast and lunch everyday take away the mental exhaustion of more decisions. We’ve figured out how to make things ahead of time to keep breakfast and lunch super convenient. This was key for me during survival mode with a newborn and 3 little ones home during the dog days of summer!
For breakfast, Philip prepares me the breakfast of champions! We have this awesome little egg skillet that he prepares 2 eggs in. He takes great pleasure in the daily egg flip. He serves them on a toasted whole grain English muffin with one slice of ham, a banana, and a cup of coffee with 2T of creamer. I eat while pumping before my workout and sip my coffee throughout the morning.
For lunch, I’ve found some fantastic salad packs from SAM’s Club. I put some of these mixes in a bowl, throw some grilled chicken breasts on top, and pour some dressing on. Unfortunately, I’m not getting any money for sharing them with you. Ha! Philip grills the chicken breasts for me at the beginning of the week. We chop them up and keep them in a tupperware in the fridge. Sometimes I’ll switch it up and add leftover proteins from dinner.
My favorite salad mixes:
We have a big variety in our dinner menu, but the options are very healthy. Having variety in the dinner menu helps me to stick with my breakfast and lunch staples. We’re pretty adventurous when it comes to food, so it’s rare for us to repeat the same recipes for dinner.
For snacks, I’m loving KIND Bars and Greek yogurt with fresh fruit or granola on top. Yogurt parfaits are a fun treat, too.
I was keeping a food diary using the My Fitness Pal app. I loved it, but I stopped using it after awhile since I felt that I had a good handle on nutrition. Using it for nearly a month taught me a lot about how to put my calories to work. I put an end to mindless eating and worked hard to find menu items that would not only keep my tummy from growling but also keep me from feeling deprived.
Since implementing my nutrition goals, I’ve seen my weight drastically change. I know my physical activity is contributing, but I think it has much more to do with my nutrition. I’ve also noticed that my digestive system is much happier with me than it was when I was more sedentary. It has been super easy to keep the routine going now that we’ve streamlined the menu planning and meal prep.
My favorite part is that I’m continuing to lose at a healthy rate, but I’m still getting to have occasional treats like a glass of wine, 100 calorie packs of microwave kettle corn, or Dove dark chocolates. I’m a moderator instead of an abstainer, so having treats doesn’t derail me the way it might for some people. In fact, having a little treat every now and then is helping me to stay on track instead of abstaining from sweets altogether. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, read about moderators vs. abstainers. Gretchen Rubin introduced me to the idea.) I’m still nursing Dorothy, so I will make adjustments whenever she weans for my calorie intake.
Going forward, I’m going to work on:
Re-organizing my favorite recipes
Meal prep during afternoon naptime
Questions for You
What’s working for you in the area of nutrition? Do you eat the same things for certain meals everyday, or would that not work for you? How do you do your meal planning? Do you have any favorite snacks or relatively healthy treats that keep you satisfied? Share, share, share!
Dorothy was born March 28th, 2016. In the middle of the newborn phase fog, I decided that the date of my 6-week follow-up with my OBGYN would be my 2nd New Year, kicking off the Year of Me. The Year of Me is all about filling myself up so that I can pour myself out for my family and loved ones. I created goals around the areas of fitness, nutrition, prayer/spiritual life, rest, and me time.
Since I started sharing about the Year of Me, I’ve been contacted by so many of my friends saying that they’re feeling motivated to do a Year of Me for themselves. I can’t tell you how awesome that is to me! I don’t think I’m doing anything particularly unique or revolutionary; I just want other women to know that they’re worth it, that they can do it, and that it just takes a daily decision to say “yes” to that baby step.
As important as this is to me, you’d think that I’d remember the day it officially began, but I don’t. I just tried going back to scan my calendar for the date of my 6-week follow-up, but it’s somehow not there. I think I was crafting my goals and starting to work toward them from the moment I left the hospital with Dorothy. Since May 9th is exactly 6 weeks after Dorothy’s birthday, let’s just call May 9th the start of the Year of Me. That means I’m 4 months (or one-third) into the Year of Me, so I thought I’d give an update on how things are going in every area:
Let’s start things off with Fitness!
What a transformation! During pregnancy, I was almost completely sedentary. I was so, so, so sick, and I struggled to get through most days. Nonetheless, I gained more weight with Dorothy than I did during my other pregnancies because of my disordered relationship with food. (More on that next time when I get to my Nutrition Goals.) For the Year of Me, I was motivated to get moving and get myself back into fighting form. Getting started, it was much more about feeling good again than it was about the number on the scale or being able to fit into a certain size.
Back in May, I started running at the gym using the Couch to 5K app. I thought it would be fun to share pictures of the treadmill screen or my Couch to 5K finish screen on social media with the hashtag #yearofme. More than anything, putting those pictures up meant that I was serious about fitness and that I’d have to keep it up since I was telling everyone I know on Facebook and Instagram about it.
I am pleased to report that I started going to the gym 3x/week in May and haven’t stopped since. I struggled to run for 1 minute when I first started the C25K app (Couch to 5K) during my treadmill time, but I stuck with it. I became a Couch 2 5K graduate a month-ish ago. Now, I’m doing 30-minute runs at least 3 times a week at 5.5 speed on the treadmill. If you haven’t checked out the app, do it! That app was like my own little personal trainer in my headphones. It didn’t hurt that I got to listen to my favorite podcasts while I ran!
Our schedule drastically changed with the start of the school year, so I had to rework a few things. This whole parenting thing is teaching me that I have to be at peace with finding what will work for 3 months at a time. Then, I need to be able to change it again when life inevitably changes three months later. Exercising as a parent can’t be about finding what will work forever; it’s about finding what works right now and doing it. I decided I was tired of our mornings getting eaten up at the gym, so I thought I’d try hammering out my exercise before getting the kids off to school.I started running on our treadmill at home in the early morning this week. I’m loving getting in my exercise and shower before the kids are up. That way (in theory), I can get errands run or housework done in the morning while the kids are at school and Dorothy is napping. It’s a beautiful thing when it works out.
In addition to my regular runs, I had a goal to walk our dog, Monty, everyday. Poor Monty. He’s still not getting regular walks. He’s just a 14 lb. lap dog, but he could use a brisk walk everyday.
Another one of my goals was to get moving with the kids for at least half an hour everyday. We easily met that goal with regular play, and we are trying to get them outside as much as possible after school before bedtime.
I am very pleased to report that I weigh less now than I did before I got pregnant with Dorothy, and I’m just a few pounds away from where I was when we got married in 2008. Granted, my body shape is just a *TAD* different after birthing all of these babies, but it’s a beautiful thing to have my clothes fit again and make me feel good. Most importantly, I have so much more energy, and I feel like a strong mama. It doesn’t hurt that Philip likes the results from my exercise, too! I’m still nursing Dorothy, so we’ll see what happens whenever she decides to start weaning. It’s my goal to make it to her first birthday. This is the longest I’ve nursed any of our babies, so I’m entering into unchartered territory. Stay tuned!
Going forward, my exercise goals are:
Run 3x/week
Schedule an appointment with a personal trainer by October 1st
Lift: 2 strength training sessions per week
Walk Monty for at least 10 minutes every day
Move: At least 15 minutes of heart pumping activity with the kids on school nights (outside, Go Noodle, basement roughhousing, other fitness apps/games)
Questions for You
What’s working and what’s not for you in the area of fitness? Any tips, tricks, or advice?
Would you consider joining me for a Year of YOU? What would be your goals? What areas are you working on in your life? I’d love to hear about your struggles, your progress, and the milestones you’re reaching. I’ve been so encouraged by my progress, and I’d love it if you would share about what’s going on in your Year of YOU!
Last time, I introduced the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” and what it looks like in my relationships. If you missed that one, click here. Today, I’m talking about what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage when one of us has hurt feelings.
If you remember, I first heard the phrase “their invitation is your permission” on the Happy Hour Podcast with Jamie Ivey. Jamie talked about what “their invitation is your permission” looks like with her and her husband Aaron. When Jamie thinks Aaron is upset, she’ll ask him, “‘Hey, are you upset with me?’ and he says, ‘No,’ then I have to believe him. If he’s still acting like he’s upset, then it might be something else, or it’s his turn now to say, like, ‘Hey, I didn’t really…’ but I’m gonna believe you when you say that.”
Jamie has a southern drawl and spouts off these pearls so seamlessly that you might have missed what she said in there. It’s so simple and sounds like such a “duh” kind of thing, but very few of my relationships are built on this kind of simple, direct communication. What she says is vital for marriages. Go back, read what she said, and you’ll realize that there’s a simple formula she relies on her in communication with her husband when conflict arises. Here’s her formula:
Sense conflict.
Ask the other person if he/she is upset.
Listen to the other person say “yes” or “no”
Believe what the other person says.
The last part is key. We must believe what the other person says. 8 years into our marriage, Philip and I are starting to get a handle on how the other person processes conflict and raw emotions. Philip’s a stuffer and processor while I’m a spewer and exploder. Philip tends to need time to process things and isn’t always able to put labels on how he’s feeling. When Philip is upset, he’s usually not going to say so, and he’ll get less and less friendly as time goes on. It takes me asking him, “Are you upset?” for him to think, “Well, now that you ask, yes, I guess I am.” We’ve had many conversations about how important it is for him to tell me when he’s upset–even if he’s not sure why. More often than not, we can figure out what triggered his hurt feelings together, but it is key that Philip is able to stop, really think about whether he is upset or not, and give me an honest answer. His ability to say, “Yes, I’m upset,” allows both of us to move forward in helping him to feel better again. If he says, “No,” then he knows that I am going to believe his “No.” In the space after our conversation, he might realize like Jamie’s husband that he’s upset about something else. Or, he may just need some time to think about why he’s acting the way he is and realize that, yes, something is bothering him. If Philip tells me that he’s not upset about something when he realizes that he really is, then it’s up to him to let me know that. He can’t hold me accountable to hurt feelings he has told me he doesn’t have.
Meanwhile, I tend to spew and explode. It’s rare for Philip to need to ask me, “Are you upset?” because I’ll take the first chance I get to share my hurt feelings. Oh, yes, I’ll tell him! And I’ll tell him alllllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why I’m upset, and alllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why it’s his fault. Aren’t I darling? When I’m feeling extra rotten, I might even throw in unrelated reasons to be upset. After I’m done spewing and exploding, that’s Philip’s chance to make sure the volcano is done erupting and ask if I’m still upset. That’s my chance to give my “Yes” or “No.” If I say, “No,” then I need to know that Philip is going to believe me and move on, expecting me to move on. If I’m still upset and get ticked off that he’s acting like things are all hunky dory, then that’s on me, and I need to put my big girl pants on and say, “Actually, I’m still upset because…”
“Their Invitation is Your Permission” within marriage is so freeing. When I give Philip an invitation to share his hurt feelings, he knows that that’s his opportunity to share all of it. When I finish unloading my hurt feelings, Philip gives me an invitation to make sure I’ve shared my entire heart. 2 important things need to happen for us to truly accept the invitation:
Believe we are safe unloading our entire hearts
Be willing to unpack the entire hurt together
First, we need to believe that we are safe unloading our entire hearts. The person on the receiving end needs to be able to hear all of the reasons why the other person is hurting, and the person sharing needs to be able to do that without fear of telling the truth. This does not mean that the person on the receiving end will agree with everything that is said. I repeat: this does not mean that we are always going to agree with what the hurt person says. The person on the receiving end only needs to be able to listen without interruption and repeat back what they heard. We learned this game changer idea when we read Dr. Harvey Karp’s The Happiest Baby on the Blockwhen we were preparing for the birth of our first child. Dr. Karp calls this the “Fast Food Rule (FFR)” and describes it as a helpful way to engage the irrational toddler brain when they are upset. Unsurprisingly, the FFR works great with an upset spouse, too! At a fast food restaurant, the person who is hungry talks first. Only when they have completed telling their order to the person in the window does the employee ask for clarification. “Do you want ketchup with that?” Only when the order is complete does the employee repeat back the order and ask if they got it right. In conversation, the FFR works like this: the person who is most “hungry” (upset) talks first. They tell their “order” (all of the reasons why they are upset). Only when the person who is upset is done speaking does the other person ask clarifying questions. It is so important that they remember they are only asking questions to clarify what they heard and are not interjecting to insert their version of what happened. Whether or not we choose to believe that we’re safe unloading all of our hearts hinges on the other person’s ability to listen calmly and objectively. Then, once the person “taking the order” is confident that they understand, they repeat back what they heard. “So you’re frustrated about x because x, is that right?” This is the turning point of most of our marital conflict. When we’re upset, we unload the reasons why we’re upset, our spouse listens, and they’re able to repeat back exactly what they heard, something amazing happens. We feel understood and, more often than not, roughly 90% of the tension goes away. Whether or not our spouse agrees with us at this point, we know moving forward that they get it. They might not agree with why we are upset, but they understand why we are so hurt. A spouse who is willing to patiently listen until they understand why we are hurting is usually willing to go the remaining 10% to find a solution that will bring about reconciliation and forgiveness.
If we accept the invitation to completely and safely unload our hearts until we get to a place where we feel understood, we’re ready to do the second part of the invitation: unpacking the entire hurt together. Alone, we might not realize all of the facets of why the problem is irking us, but we can usually figure it out together. Sometimes, the hurt is a symptom of a bigger problem. When Philip tells me that he’s feeling micromanaged, the problem isn’t his unwillingness to do a task to a high standard; it’s about the disrespect he feels from my nitpicking. When I tell Philip that he has been unfriendly, it’s not because he has been saying mean things or or has been unhelpful; instead, I’m probably needing a hug or more than a passing conversation. Once we’re unpacked the entire hurt, we understand moving forward how to either avoid it or stop the cycle from repeating itself in the future.
When we choose to accept those invitations as our permission to be vulnerable in our hurt, we encourage the other to be receptive to why we are hurting. When we are offered a sincere invitation to share our hearts, we act less like cagey animals and more like the wounded people that we are. It is so worth it to be brave with each other. After awhile, it stops feeling like being brave, and it starts feeling like stepping stones toward even greater intimacy. Next time you’re feeling some tension in your marriage, give your spouse an invitation to be vulnerable with their hurt. Follow the Fast Food Rule, and give them permission to completely and safely unload. Then, be willing to unpack the entire hurt together. See if it doesn’t change the way you work through conflict. Your invitation is their permission toward healing.
Last time, I introduced the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” and what it looks like in my relationships. If you missed that one, click here. Today, I’m talking about what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage when one of us has hurt feelings.
If you remember, I first heard the phrase “their invitation is your permission” on the Happy Hour Podcast with Jamie Ivey. Jamie talked about what “their invitation is your permission” looks like with her and her husband Aaron. When Jamie thinks Aaron is upset, she’ll ask him, “‘Hey, are you upset with me?’ and he says, ‘No,’ then I have to believe him. If he’s still acting like he’s upset, then it might be something else, or it’s his turn now to say, like, ‘Hey, I didn’t really…’ but I’m gonna believe you when you say that.”
Jamie has a southern drawl and spouts off these pearls so seamlessly that you might have missed what she said in there. It’s so simple and sounds like such a “duh” kind of thing, but very few of my relationships are built on this kind of simple, direct communication. What she says is vital for marriages. Go back, read what she said, and you’ll realize that there’s a simple formula she relies on her in communication with her husband when conflict arises. Here’s her formula:
Sense conflict.
Ask the other person if he/she is upset.
Listen to the other person say “yes” or “no”
Believe what the other person says.
The last part is key. We must believe what the other person says. 8 years into our marriage, Philip and I are starting to get a handle on how the other person processes conflict and raw emotions. Philip’s a stuffer and processor while I’m a spewer and exploder. Philip tends to need time to process things and isn’t always able to put labels on how he’s feeling. When Philip is upset, he’s usually not going to say so, and he’ll get less and less friendly as time goes on. It takes me asking him, “Are you upset?” for him to think, “Well, now that you ask, yes, I guess I am.” We’ve had many conversations about how important it is for him to tell me when he’s upset–even if he’s not sure why. More often than not, we can figure out what triggered his hurt feelings together, but it is key that Philip is able to stop, really think about whether he is upset or not, and give me an honest answer. His ability to say, “Yes, I’m upset,” allows both of us to move forward in helping him to feel better again. If he says, “No,” then he knows that I am going to believe his “No.” In the space after our conversation, he might realize like Jamie’s husband that he’s upset about something else. Or, he may just need some time to think about why he’s acting the way he is and realize that, yes, something is bothering him. If Philip tells me that he’s not upset about something when he realizes that he really is, then it’s up to him to let me know that. He can’t hold me accountable to hurt feelings he has told me he doesn’t have.
Meanwhile, I tend to spew and explode. It’s rare for Philip to need to ask me, “Are you upset?” because I’ll take the first chance I get to share my hurt feelings. Oh, yes, I’ll tell him! And I’ll tell him alllllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why I’m upset, and alllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why it’s his fault. Aren’t I darling? When I’m feeling extra rotten, I might even throw in unrelated reasons to be upset. After I’m done spewing and exploding, that’s Philip’s chance to make sure the volcano is done erupting and ask if I’m still upset. That’s my chance to give my “Yes” or “No.” If I say, “No,” then I need to know that Philip is going to believe me and move on, expecting me to move on. If I’m still upset and get ticked off that he’s acting like things are all hunky dory, then that’s on me, and I need to put my big girl pants on and say, “Actually, I’m still upset because…”
“Their Invitation is Your Permission” within marriage is so freeing. When I give Philip an invitation to share his hurt feelings, he knows that that’s his opportunity to share all of it. When I finish unloading my hurt feelings, Philip gives me an invitation to make sure I’ve shared my entire heart. 2 important things need to happen for us to truly accept the invitation:
Believe we are safe unloading our entire hearts
Be willing to unpack the entire hurt together
First, we need to believe that we are safe unloading our entire hearts. The person on the receiving end needs to be able to hear all of the reasons why the other person is hurting, and the person sharing needs to be able to do that without fear of telling the truth. This does not mean that the person on the receiving end will agree with everything that is said. I repeat: this does not mean that we are always going to agree with what the hurt person says. The person on the receiving end only needs to be able to listen without interruption and repeat back what they heard. We learned this game changer idea when we read Dr. Harvey Karp’s The Happiest Baby on the Blockwhen we were preparing for the birth of our first child. Dr. Karp calls this the “Fast Food Rule (FFR)” and describes it as a helpful way to engage the irrational toddler brain when they are upset. Unsurprisingly, the FFR works great with an upset spouse, too! At a fast food restaurant, the person who is hungry talks first. Only when they have completed telling their order to the person in the window does the employee ask for clarification. “Do you want ketchup with that?” Only when the order is complete does the employee repeat back the order and ask if they got it right. In conversation, the FFR works like this: the person who is most “hungry” (upset) talks first. They tell their “order” (all of the reasons why they are upset). Only when the person who is upset is done speaking does the other person ask clarifying questions. It is so important that they remember they are only asking questions to clarify what they heard and are not interjecting to insert their version of what happened. Whether or not we choose to believe that we’re safe unloading all of our hearts hinges on the other person’s ability to listen calmly and objectively. Then, once the person “taking the order” is confident that they understand, they repeat back what they heard. “So you’re frustrated about x because x, is that right?” This is the turning point of most of our marital conflict. When we’re upset, we unload the reasons why we’re upset, our spouse listens, and they’re able to repeat back exactly what they heard, something amazing happens. We feel understood and, more often than not, roughly 90% of the tension goes away. Whether or not our spouse agrees with us at this point, we know moving forward that they get it. They might not agree with why we are upset, but they understand why we are so hurt. A spouse who is willing to patiently listen until they understand why we are hurting is usually willing to go the remaining 10% to find a solution that will bring about reconciliation and forgiveness.
If we accept the invitation to completely and safely unload our hearts until we get to a place where we feel understood, we’re ready to do the second part of the invitation: unpacking the entire hurt together. Alone, we might not realize all of the facets of why the problem is irking us, but we can usually figure it out together. Sometimes, the hurt is a symptom of a bigger problem. When Philip tells me that he’s feeling micromanaged, the problem isn’t his unwillingness to do a task to a high standard; it’s about the disrespect he feels from my nitpicking. When I tell Philip that he has been unfriendly, it’s not because he has been saying mean things or or has been unhelpful; instead, I’m probably needing a hug or more than a passing conversation. Once we’re unpacked the entire hurt, we understand moving forward how to either avoid it or stop the cycle from repeating itself in the future.
When we choose to accept those invitations as our permission to be vulnerable in our hurt, we encourage the other to be receptive to why we are hurting. When we are offered a sincere invitation to share our hearts, we act less like cagey animals and more like the wounded people that we are. It is so worth it to be brave with each other. After awhile, it stops feeling like being brave, and it starts feeling like stepping stones toward even greater intimacy. Next time you’re feeling some tension in your marriage, give your spouse an invitation to be vulnerable with their hurt. Follow the Fast Food Rule, and give them permission to completely and safely unload. Then, be willing to unpack the entire hurt together. See if it doesn’t change the way you work through conflict. Your invitation is their permission toward healing.
I was listening to The Happy Hour With Jamie Ivey episode #13 last week while I did the dinner dishes. Jamie and her guest, Annie Downs, author of the book Let’s All Be Brave, were talking about bravery in relationships. They spent a chunk of the podcast talking about this phrase and its meaning:
“Their Invitation is Your Permission.” When I heard their conversation, I realized how much I needed to hear their words. The “invitation” doesn’t need to be a literal invitation for me to do something; it can be a compliment, a question of how I’m feeling, an opportunity to vent, a need for hard love truth-telling, a chance to take a break. Sometimes, it’s an actual invitation to get together or share a talent. Since listening to their podcast, I’ve been carrying the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission” along with me in all of my relationships.
In the podcast, Annie shared a story about a friend who speaks at conferences. The friend was struggling because every time a conference director called to invite her to speak, she ended up telling them why they shouldn’t hire her. Jamie said she does the same thing when someone invites her to write something.
“Do you really want me to write this?” she’d ask.
Jamie and Annie agreed that they do this in their relationships. The person gives them an invitation, and they refuse to take their permission to accept it. Annie said she even did it when it came to scheduling the recording of the podcast. She said to Jamie, “I had the wrong time and you said, ‘How about now?’ and I said, ‘Are you sure?’ And I’m like, ‘Well, you offered now. I should just listen.’
Yes, yes, yes! I do this all the time in my own life! Someone will offer to do me a favor, or maybe they’ll suggest meeting at a time that seems inconvenient for them, so I do the, “Are you sure?” thing. So. Silly. They just said they could do x, so why am I asking, “Are you sure?” Moving forward, I need to hear the words they’re saying, trust that they mean them, accept them, and move forward. Is it my own insecurity, my feelings that I’m not worth the trouble? Is it an attempt to stop someone from doing an act of love for me? Doing all of that only invites doubt into the relationship. Also, it robs their words of their meaning. I need to start allowing their words to be enough for me and give them their meaning back.
Allowing my loved ones’ words to have meaning helps me to practice giving my own words meaning. As part of His sermon on the mount, Jesus focused on swearing oaths. He told His disciples not to swear or make oaths. “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from the Evil One” (Matthew 5:37). I’m not making oaths in my everyday conversations with friends and family, but there’s an important lesson here. My loved ones will start to believe that my words are worthless if I keep muddying the waters with qualifications, excuses, or hedging around what I really want to say.
In order to make my “Yes” or “No” mean something, I need to change 2 things: First, I need to stop qualifying every “No” with an detailed explanation. Do you do this? Why do I start on a little soliloquy every time I decline an invitation? “No, I can’t come to dinner on Friday because…” Why do I feel the need to qualify every sentence or explain my every move? Do we somehow think it’s more of a social nicety to give a paragraph when a simple “no” will do? Stop. “No” is enough.
Second, when someone invites me to do something that seems inconvenient for them, I tend to accept the invitation before immediately suggesting several alternatives. Perhaps they’ll suggest to meet early on a Saturday morning for coffee. I’ll respond with something like, “Sure! Or, what about these other 3 options that seem better?” Lunacy.
When I do all of this over and over again (qualifying my “no” or accepting an invitation before immediately creating new ones), I tell the person I’m speaking to that our words aren’t enough. This trains both of us to start searching every word for a hidden message. On the receiving end, we stop believing every “yes” or “no” we hear, and we search for an underlying message of hurt, betrayal, annoyance, frustration, anger. After hearing Jamie and Annie talk about “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” I’m working on how I give and accept invitations. So, Friend, when you tell me that it works for you to get coffee early on a Saturday morning, I’m no longer going to ask, “Are you suuuuuuuuuuure?” I’m going to trust that your word is your sincere invitation to allow me to say, “Great! Looking forward to it!” And isn’t it so wonderful when a friend eagerly accepts your sincere invitation?
When I look at all of my relationships, the ones with strong communication are full of honesty and simplicity. “Their invitation is your permission” pervades every conversation. It’s really just about giving and accepting truth. When I’m on the receiving end of an invitation, how I accept it says a lot about me. If someone gives me a compliment and I choose to accept it sincerely instead of the silly false modesty thing, that can be a gift. If feels good when someone accepts a sincere compliment.
Making my own language simple will free all of us from the burden of the blabber. It brings meaning back to my words. In turn, it shows my loved ones that I’m going to believe their simple “yes” or “no.” Inviting them to believe me and showing them that I’m going to believe them removes the doubt and need for guesswork. This, my friends, is vital for any relationship.
It’s especially vital in marriage, and next time I’ll share what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage.
Questions for you:
Do you struggle with accepting others’ invitations? Again, remember that an invitation isn’t limited to a literal invitation. Do you qualify your “no”? Do you accept invitations and then immediately come up with alternatives? Or, perhaps you’ve recognized these patterns in conversation and have tried to put a stop to these bad habits. How has “Their Invitation is Your Permission” changed how you talk with your loved ones?
I was listening to The Happy Hour With Jamie Ivey episode #13 last week while I did the dinner dishes. Jamie and her guest, Annie Downs, author of the book Let’s All Be Brave, were talking about bravery in relationships. They spent a chunk of the podcast talking about this phrase and its meaning:
“Their Invitation is Your Permission.” When I heard their conversation, I realized how much I needed to hear their words. The “invitation” doesn’t need to be a literal invitation for me to do something; it can be a compliment, a question of how I’m feeling, an opportunity to vent, a need for hard love truth-telling, a chance to take a break. Sometimes, it’s an actual invitation to get together or share a talent. Since listening to their podcast, I’ve been carrying the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission” along with me in all of my relationships.
In the podcast, Annie shared a story about a friend who speaks at conferences. The friend was struggling because every time a conference director called to invite her to speak, she ended up telling them why they shouldn’t hire her. Jamie said she does the same thing when someone invites her to write something.
“Do you really want me to write this?” she’d ask.
Jamie and Annie agreed that they do this in their relationships. The person gives them an invitation, and they refuse to take their permission to accept it. Annie said she even did it when it came to scheduling the recording of the podcast. She said to Jamie, “I had the wrong time and you said, ‘How about now?’ and I said, ‘Are you sure?’ And I’m like, ‘Well, you offered now. I should just listen.’
Yes, yes, yes! I do this all the time in my own life! Someone will offer to do me a favor, or maybe they’ll suggest meeting at a time that seems inconvenient for them, so I do the, “Are you sure?” thing. So. Silly. They just said they could do x, so why am I asking, “Are you sure?” Moving forward, I need to hear the words they’re saying, trust that they mean them, accept them, and move forward. Is it my own insecurity, my feelings that I’m not worth the trouble? Is it an attempt to stop someone from doing an act of love for me? Doing all of that only invites doubt into the relationship. Also, it robs their words of their meaning. I need to start allowing their words to be enough for me and give them their meaning back.
Allowing my loved ones’ words to have meaning helps me to practice giving my own words meaning. As part of His sermon on the mount, Jesus focused on swearing oaths. He told His disciples not to swear or make oaths. “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from the Evil One” (Matthew 5:37). I’m not making oaths in my everyday conversations with friends and family, but there’s an important lesson here. My loved ones will start to believe that my words are worthless if I keep muddying the waters with qualifications, excuses, or hedging around what I really want to say.
In order to make my “Yes” or “No” mean something, I need to change 2 things: First, I need to stop qualifying every “No” with an detailed explanation. Do you do this? Why do I start on a little soliloquy every time I decline an invitation? “No, I can’t come to dinner on Friday because…” Why do I feel the need to qualify every sentence or explain my every move? Do we somehow think it’s more of a social nicety to give a paragraph when a simple “no” will do? Stop. “No” is enough.
Second, when someone invites me to do something that seems inconvenient for them, I tend to accept the invitation before immediately suggesting several alternatives. Perhaps they’ll suggest to meet early on a Saturday morning for coffee. I’ll respond with something like, “Sure! Or, what about these other 3 options that seem better?” Lunacy.
When I do all of this over and over again (qualifying my “no” or accepting an invitation before immediately creating new ones), I tell the person I’m speaking to that our words aren’t enough. This trains both of us to start searching every word for a hidden message. On the receiving end, we stop believing every “yes” or “no” we hear, and we search for an underlying message of hurt, betrayal, annoyance, frustration, anger. After hearing Jamie and Annie talk about “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” I’m working on how I give and accept invitations. So, Friend, when you tell me that it works for you to get coffee early on a Saturday morning, I’m no longer going to ask, “Are you suuuuuuuuuuure?” I’m going to trust that your word is your sincere invitation to allow me to say, “Great! Looking forward to it!” And isn’t it so wonderful when a friend eagerly accepts your sincere invitation?
When I look at all of my relationships, the ones with strong communication are full of honesty and simplicity. “Their invitation is your permission” pervades every conversation. It’s really just about giving and accepting truth. When I’m on the receiving end of an invitation, how I accept it says a lot about me. If someone gives me a compliment and I choose to accept it sincerely instead of the silly false modesty thing, that can be a gift. If feels good when someone accepts a sincere compliment.
Making my own language simple will free all of us from the burden of the blabber. It brings meaning back to my words. In turn, it shows my loved ones that I’m going to believe their simple “yes” or “no.” Inviting them to believe me and showing them that I’m going to believe them removes the doubt and need for guesswork. This, my friends, is vital for any relationship.
It’s especially vital in marriage, and next time I’ll share what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage.
Questions for you:
Do you struggle with accepting others’ invitations? Again, remember that an invitation isn’t limited to a literal invitation. Do you qualify your “no”? Do you accept invitations and then immediately come up with alternatives? Or, perhaps you’ve recognized these patterns in conversation and have tried to put a stop to these bad habits. How has “Their Invitation is Your Permission” changed how you talk with your loved ones?
When Pope Francis declared this the Extraordinary Jubilee Year of Mercy, I wondered what it would look like at St. Joseph’s. Of all of the changes I have seen, I am most inspired and thankful for your leadership toward the goal of including special needs children in the parish school.
You shared with us in the parish bulletin how your own family was blessed by your older brother, Harry, who was born with spina bifida and died as a little boy. No wonder the special needs children hold such a special place in your heart! Undoubtedly, Harry is looking down on your efforts from heaven with a lot of admiration for his little brother.
As a former high school Spanish teacher, a handful of my courses in teachers college focused on special education. Knowing that I hoped to teach in a Catholic school, I was sad that aside from mild learning disabilities, special needs students would likely never enter my classroom. When you shared your plan to bring in more staff and resources to accommodate the special needs students in our parish family, I will be the first to admit that I was wary. My first reaction was fear. Because of my background in education, I knew it would be an uphill battle. I started asking all of the questions that come from fear. Would we have the right staff? Would the special needs student get the support they needed? Would our teachers be adequately trained?
Thank goodness I’m not the one in charge! No good decision is made out of fear. Thank you for being a brave pastor when I would have been fearful–of failure, of criticism, of backlash, of who knows what! It is obvious that you have felt this call from God and are doing this out of obedience.Have you ever heard the expression, “Delayed obedience is disobedience”? While the world and all of us so-called “experts” in the education field might say that starting the inclusion of the special needs students this year was too quick, you probably saw it as delayed obedience. Concerns might include the need for more time, more training, more tools. Undoubtedly, we will experience hiccups as we begin to learn how to be a school that welcomes special needs children. What endeavor with humans at the helm doesn’t have its problems? Yet, what are we afraid of? I applaud you for hearing the call and for moving forward while most of us so-called “experts” would have said to wait.
Thank you for this unprecedented opportunity for families that send their children to Catholic school. While I’m sure it is a blessing for the families of the special needs children to get to send their children to St. Joseph’s, I want you to know what a blessing it is for the whole community to get to welcome the special needs children into our classrooms. The children at St. Joseph’s are leading the way on how to welcome our parish special needs students. We would do well to learn from these little ones who are showing us what the Year of Mercy is all about. The children see the differences, they ask questions, they find out how they can help, they welcome their new classmates with open arms. What a gift that our kids will never know a classroom without special needs children! They intuitively know at a young age that we all have something about us that forces us to lean on others.
In the days and weeks to come, please lean on us. Let us know how we can help. What can we do to help with this transition? What intentions should we be keeping in prayer? What resources do we still need?
My prayers are with you and our school. I pray for a softening of heart for those who may still fearful of this change. Thank you for your vocation, for your daily “yes” to God, and for all of the sacrifices that you make on behalf of our parish family.
Yesterday was a big day. I wouldn’t admit it to myself, but I was a wee bit anxious about how it would go. Instead of admitting it or giving in to the tears, I lost myself in a flurry of activity to get everyone out the door.
Yesterday was Harry’s first day of preschool.
No filter. Just a Nebraska sunrise I captured yesterday in my jammies from the driveway. God knew I needed a little something that would tell me, “Stop worrying, honey. I’ve got this.”
The first day of preschool is a big milestone for any child, but the fact that it was Harry’s first day of preschool made it even more monumental.
In order to understand why yesterday was so big, you need to know Harry’s back story.
Almost four years ago on All Souls Day, we found out that I was miscarrying our 3rd baby. We named her Thérèse. A few weeks later, God entrusted us with another precious baby. I had a healthy pregnancy and delivered a baby boy nine months later.
Harold Fulton Boucher
Sweet little Harry helped to heal our family after losing Thérèse, but he will never replace her. I mean that in the best possible way. We love Thérèse, and I pray for her intercession often, but I don’t think of Harry as her replacement. Thérèse is our precious saint in heaven, and she’s all the motivation we need to get the rest of our family there someday. In just 3 years, Harry has shown me over and over again that he is exactly the soul God intended for our family.
Harry has always done things in his own way on his unique time table. For example, instead of crawling, he did the worm.
Harry is the child we never would have met if my pregnancy with Thérèse had gone according to our plans. All of our children’s milestones are special, but Harry’s milestones seem distinct. After all, Harry’s life itself was sheer gift.
Fast forward a couple of years.
Harry just turned three last week, and he has less than 15 words that he will say spontaneously without prompting. He has been receiving help with his speech delay through the Lincoln Public Schools special education program. A wonderful speech pathologist came out to our home twice a month this past year to work with us on Harry’s speech.
Last spring before Dorothy was born, I had visions of how our fall would be. It would be quieter with just Harry and our new baby at home while Jane and Walt were off at school. We’d have play dates, go to the gym, have fun outings, and Harry was enrolled at a nearby Christian preschool once a week.
As it turned out, that Christian preschool cut the program due to budget constraints. In fact, the preschool called us the day we came home with baby Dorothy from the hospital. After that phone call, we thought were out of options. All of the mother’s day out programs had waiting lists, and Harry wasn’t eligible for the parish or other preschool programs because of his August birthday.
So, it wasn’t part of my plan to send Harry off to preschool this year. That’s why his first day of preschool milestone was such a big deal. It was another one of those moments that never would have happened according to my master plan. You see, there’s this thing about Harry. I’m convinced God gave Harry to our family to teach me this lesson over and over again: our lives are not about our plans; our lives are about surrendering to God’s plan.
At our May meeting with the speech pathologist, we talked about our plans for the summer and fall. I mentioned that the preschool where Harry was enrolled had closed and that he would be staying at home with me. Then the speech pathologist and I had a little good news/bad news pow wow.
The bad news: Harry’s in-home services with Lincoln Public Schools would be ending in a few months when he turned three in August.
The good news: At the conclusion of his in-home services, he would become eligible for the Lincoln Public School preschool program as a special education student.
I was initially excited and asked her to describe the program, envisioning a few hours a week. When she described the program, and I think I had to pick my jaw up off of the floor.
5 days a week.
3 and a half hours.
Breakfast, snack, and lunch are served.
Children can be bussed to and from school.
Woah, woah, woah! Are you crazy, lady?! He will have just turned THREE!
It sounded like too much and too fast. I told her I’d think about it but had already ruled it out in my mind. After all, my plan had been to send him to 1-day preschool for a few hours. 5 days?! 2 meals?! A bus?! Before leaving, our speech pathologist gave me a gentle nudge to at least tour the preschool. I promised her I’d think about it.
I called Philip at work to check in. As a passing comment, I mentioned the preschool tour idea and described the program. When Philip agreed that it was too much, I thought that was the end of the discussion. For whatever reason, both of us kept revisiting the idea. By the next day, we had set up a tour.
On the tour, we met the classroom teacher, a para, and a speech pathologist who would be meeting with Harry. The classroom was amazing, and it immediately captivated Harry’s attention. The staff described regular meetings to continue to work on Harry’s IEP (his individualized education plan). I knew about all of this as a possibility as a former classroom teacher, but let me tell you, it’s a totally different ball game when you realize all of these services are available for YOUR child!
We ended up enrolling Harry for the fall. We agreed that Harry has always done things differently and that this might be exactly the boost that he needs to get him talking. After all, he’ll still get to be home with me in the afternoons and have plenty of bonding time with the rest of our family in the evenings. Going through my struggles with postpartum depression after Harry was born taught me an important lesson: there will be times with this parenting stuff that I need to reach out and ask for help in filling the gaps. 5-day preschool will be able to do exactly that for Harry, and I’m so excited for him!
Begrudgingly, I had to admit to God yet again that I was wrong. My plan was good, but it wasn’t the best. Have you ever seen this picture before?
I’m the little girl holding my plans in my hands while He has something bigger in mind.
That little girl holding the small teddy bear is me. I never want to give up my plan. I think I’ve got it all figured out and hold on to it white-knuckled until I resign myself to saying, “Okay, fine. Whatcha got behind Your back?”
His plan is always better than mine. Always.
Just look at that smile!
Harry’s life has been full of opportunities to practice letting go of my plans.
God allowed us to lose Thérèse. Losing Thérèse allowed us to gain Harry.
He allowed me to have postpartum depression. That postpartum depression taught me to lean more on others. It taught me what real friendship is all about. It strengthened our marriage. It opened my eyes to the fragility of life. It taught me that what’s working for other families might not be what’s best for us.
He allowed Harry to have a speech delay. That speech delay taught and continues to teach me all kinds of parenting skills I otherwise would never have been forced to cultivate.
That Harry. So many surprises in these 3 years. Who knows what else is in store for that boy! All I know is this:
I’m not in control.
My plans are (usually) good.
Buuuuuuuuuuut it’s always a better idea to ask God what His plans are
Philip and I learned the Creighton Model during our engagement and used the Creighton Model to help us achieve pregnancies, space pregnancies, and determine when I was having hormonal issues like low progesterone. After using the Creighton Model of NFP for 8 years, we decided to start researching other methods when I was pregnant with Dorothy. We absolutely LOVE Pope Paul VI Institute and learned a lot about our fertility through the Creighton Model. However, we decided it was time to explore other methods because we struggle with a mucus-only NFP method during the postpartum phase.
Like most women, I have a variable return of cervical mucus when breastfeeding. To further complicate matters, I have varied in the amount of time I’ve been able to breastfeed each baby, so even though this is our fourth baby (and fifth pregnancy), I still don’t have a gauge for when I should expect my period to return or what is/isn’t true peak mucus before my cycles return. In a gist, the Creighton Model works by having the woman observe her cervical mucus every time she uses the restroom. Based on her observations, she knows whether or not she is ovulating. The couple can use that information to determine whether they can engage in the marital act to achieve their goal of achieving or avoiding pregnancy.
The Creighton Model was fabulous for us when my cycles returned after previous pregnancies and things more or less returned like clockwork. However, those weeks or months postpartum before my cycles returned after each pregnancy involved a lot of uncertainty due to my variable return of mucus. Due to the uncertainty, that meant a lot of abstaining. A lot.
May I also remind you that I get super duper sick during pregnancy? I was on anti-nausea medicine with Dorothy until 34 weeks. Let me just put that information out there to let you deduce that pregnancy in this marriage also equates to a lot of abstaining. Then, there’s the minimum 6 week postpartum rule. After that, we knew we’d be entering into the “it’s anybody’s guess whether this is peak mucus or not” territory.
We wanted to learn a new method that would give us more certainty for the postpartum time. Ultimately, we decided on the Marquette Method of NFP. We wanted a method that would help us to achieve our goals of:
spacing our children
using the information we gained from the Creighton Model
being together as much as possible as husband and wife
I’m 4 months postpartum, I’m still nursing, and my cycle is nowhere in sight. Just like before, I’m experiencing that variable return of mucus. We are just getting started with Marquette, but I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief it has been!
Marquette can work a couple of different ways. Philip and I have decided to use the Marquette Model by charting both our mucus readings and the readings from our Clearblue Fertility Monitor.
With the Marquette Model, the mucus readings more or less build on the education we gained from the Creighton Model. The Marquette Model rules for mucus are much, much more simplified than Creighton. Your only options for charting mucus with Marquette are Low, High, or Peak. When it comes to this portion of charting, I am so very grateful for our background with Creighton. The training and charting with the Creighton Model involved a much, much more detailed description of what was going on with the mucus. With our background from Creighton, I’m confident going forward that we will be able to identify when something is wackadoodle and needing a physician’s help.
The Clearblue Fertility Monitor is why we switched to Marquette. We were looking for some objective information we could bring to the table when determining when I’m ovulating. With a mucus-only model like Creighton, we were dependent solely upon my mucus observations. With the monitor, we have additional information to rely on. The Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor is very simple. Here’s the description of how the monitor works directly from the Clearblue Easy website:
Clearblue Ovulation Tests detect the Lutenizing Hormone (LH) surge which occurs approximately 24-36 hours prior to ovulation. This is how they help you pinpoint the 2 best days of your cycle to conceive a baby – the day before ovulation and the day of ovulation itself. So, if you have sex on these two days, you’ll be giving yourself the best chance of getting pregnant.
The Clearblue Fertility Monitor with Touch Screen tracks two hormones. It not only detects the LH surge and pinpoints your 2 Peak Fertility days, but also identifies typically up to 5 additional fertile days when you may conceive (High Fertility days) by detecting the rise in estrogen which occurs immediately before this LH surge. As your partner’s sperm can survive in your body for several days, having sex on those days can also result in pregnancy.
Isn’t that awesome?! This is ideal for us because we want to know BEFORE I am going to ovulate. That way, we can be more successful in our goal to space our children. Some other NFP methods have a woman take her basal body temperature (BBT) when she first wakes up. That’s your body’s temperature when at rest. The problem with this method for us is two-fold: I don’t wake up at the same time every day with these kiddos, and the temperature increase occurs after ovulation. This would make things riskier when trying to avoid a pregnancy as sperm can live for a few days during the woman’s peak fertility of her cycle.
Back to the Clearblue Fertility Monitor…The monitor gives 3 possible readings: Low, High, or Peak. Low means that there is a low likelihood of getting pregnant. High means that an increase in estrogen is detected and that it is highly possible to get pregnant that day. Peak means that the monitor is also detecting the LH surge. After the 2nd Peak day, the user will know that she is likely ovulating the next day. The monitor automatically gives a High reading after the second Peak day.
A disadvantage of the monitor is that it is *possible* for the monitor to miss the LH surge. Marquette claims that it misses it in about 1 out of every 10 cycles. For that reason, Philip and I are continuing to chart my mucus observations in conjunction with the monitor. When we have conflicting information from my mucus observations and the monitor, we have an additional tool at our disposal: Wondfo LH testing strips. These testing strips check my LH level as well. I haven’t had to yet, but I will use these testing strips when we get conflicting information. For example, if I have peak mucus but get a low reading on the monitor, this could either mean that the monitor missed my LH surge OR it could just be my variable return of mucus being wackadoodle. Our hope is that by continuing to chart my mucus AND monitor readings over the course of these next few months, we’ll get a better sense of what my non-peak mucus looks like during the postpartum time (the fake-out, “you’re not really ovulating” stuff) while still putting the information from the Creighton Model to good use.
Another disadvantage of the Marquette Model is the cost. The Clearblue Easy Monitor is pricey. It’s regularly $229. (Great news for you, though! For whatever reason, the Clearblue Fertility Monitor is on sale on Amazon right now. I have no idea how much longer this price will stay. Nevermind that I bought it at full price just a few weeks ago…) The testing sticks for the monitor are $30-35 for 30 testing sticks. Gulp. I know. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, all of that being said, Philip and I agree that the monitor and testing sticks are WELL worth the investment for us. Without the monitor, we would be abstaining ALL THE TIME during these crazy postpartum months. As Philip would say, “No bueno.” The best part of all is having some objective data to rely upon in addition to my mucus observations while breastfeeding. There are special instructions for using the monitor while breastfeeding before your cycles return. Basically, you’re creating artificial menstrual cycles with the monitor and testing over and over again until your period returns or you get a High or Peak reading. (The instructions are very thorough and leave little room for interpretation–a dream come true for a postpartum mama needing some objective help!)
So, there you have it. That’s my long way of explaining why we switched from Creighton to Marquette for these crazy postpartum months. We still love you, Creighton Model, and we’re grateful for Pope Paul VI Institute for the gift you’ve been in our marriage. We’re just baby Marquette users, so I’ll probably circle back to give an update all of this when my cycles return. For now, we are thrilled with our switch to Marquette.
I’m a flurry of movement, fumbling to get my things in and out of my locker so that I can pick the kids up from the nursery in time. These ladies are in no rush. They look each other in the eyes. They sit for a few minutes just to chat–swapping recipes, lamenting the loss of a(nother) friend, excitedly informing the group about a new housecleaning product, updating each other on what the kids, grandkids, and great grandkids are up to. When they don’t have something to tell, they’re comfortable in the silence.
The water aerobics ladies are usually gathering their things to head out for the day when I come back to the locker room to shower. The lockers are arranged in horseshoes with benches, and my locker happens to be in the same horseshoe as one particular circle of friends. Their average age is probably 80. Most wear orthopedic shoes with white ankle socks. Their floral button-ups and pastel capris are neatly pressed. They move slowly, deliberately, without any self-consciousness.
I’m struck by how they migrate from place to place. Some have walkers. One has a cane. Some limp. Another can barely lift her feet and has to shuffle. One has a back that sticks sideways nearly ninety degrees from her hip. She smiles the most.
When they collectively decide it’s time to go, everyone plays a part. The ladies take turns requesting and offering help. Lifting, zipping, holding, carrying, fetching. They ask for help so plainly, so confidently, so lackadaisically. It’s as if they don’t realize the treasure they have in each other. I suppose it’s because they’ve all needed help, given help, and readily accepted help at different times. They don’t see anything unusual or extraordinary about it. These locker room exchanges are a microcosm of the support they’ve been for each other in their lives beyond the locker room walls.
A pair was leaving the locker room last week when the words escaped my mouth. “What good friends you have! You ladies are so lucky to have each other.”
They were caught off guard for a moment. They smiled and looked at each other. One hobbled ahead while the other looked at me. She said, “You know, you’re right. We really are.”
I hope I’m blessed enough to become an old locker room lady. Certainly, old age comes with its own crosses. What stage of life doesn’t have a cross? But what a treasure it would be to just be with my friends, family, and everyone I encounter. In this chapter of doing, doing, doing, I know I forget to just be. I suppose that’s how we start and end life, huh? We bring joy just by being as babies. Then, we get so determined to be independent and self-sufficient that we can forget about why we’re doing any of this in the first place. It takes us a lifetime to remember to be, to receive, to allow another’s presence to be all that we need.
Lord, make me a better friend. Help me to allow myself to just be. Help me remember that it is a gift to be able to ask for help, to receive, to allow others to give. There’s no reason I have to wait until I become an old locker room lady.
“A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter:
he that has found one has found a treasure.
There is nothing so precious as a faithful friend,
I’ve always loved writing. I suppose a lot of that is because I come from a long line of storytellers. It’s a fun quirk from our family that I never fully appreciated until I got married. I thought every family sat around, reminiscing and laughing about, “that time when…” I don’t know that our stories are all that unique compared to the rest of America, but we sure love telling them. Over. And over. And over again.
As far back as I can remember, I was a storyteller. When I was first learning to put sentences together, I inherited Grandma Connie’s electric typewriter. I. LOVED. THAT. THING. It was yellow and made a loud whhhhhhhiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrr when I plugged it in. I loved the smell the rubber-tipped metal letters had. I would sit for hours on end at my bedroom desk, typing away.
I lived across the street from a pool for most of my childhood. (Okay, fine, it was a country club. Judge away!) Instead of swimming, I’d sit poolside with my Five-Star notebook and Pilot fine point pens, frantically scribbling my stories about tween unrequited love. I even submitted a few of my manuscripts to the tween magazines I had subscriptions to.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about all of this ever since I read Gretchen Rubin ask in The Happiness Project, “What did you do for fun when you were 10 years old?” She made the case that chances are whatever you did for fun as a 10-year-old would be something that you would enjoy today as an adult. For me, that would be writing. These days, my writing usually revolves around faith, parenting, marriage, cultural observations, books, and finding happiness in ordinary living.
Now that we’re out of survival mode with our new beautiful baby girl, I’m getting an itch to get back to writing. As a mama of 4 littles, I tend to write in spurts. I’ll find a rhythm for a few weeks or months, and then I’ll hang the blog back on the shelf until life gets a little less crazy. I started blogging in November 2011, but it’s never been a daily habit. I think I’ve always thought it was a bit selfish or indulgent for a young mom. After 6.5 years at this parenting stuff, I’m learning that taking the time for me isn’t selfish; it’s a necessity.
This time, I want to do things differently. This time, I’m challenging myself to sit down and write for at least 10 minutes a day every single day. Those ten minutes might not be enough to create a coherent blog post, but it will mean that I’m practicing my craft daily. Just as I’ve been allowing myself to accept my new identity as a runner for my self-prescribed #yearofme, I’m starting to accept what my identity has always been: I am a writer.
My goal is to publish 3 blog posts a week by writing at least 10 minutes everyday. I don’t know what my future as a writer entails. For now, in this crazy chapter of life with 4 littles, it’s enough for me to embrace that I am, in fact, a writer. At long last, I am going to allow myself to be a writer for at least 10 minutes every single day.
Questions for you:
What did you like to do when you were ten years old? What would that look like today? Are you allowing yourself to do that thing on a regular basis? Why or why not?
I’ve always loved writing. I suppose a lot of that is because I come from a long line of storytellers. It’s a fun quirk from our family that I never fully appreciated until I got married. I thought every family sat around, reminiscing and laughing about, “that time when…” I don’t know that our stories are all that unique compared to the rest of America, but we sure love telling them. Over. And over. And over again.
As far back as I can remember, I was a storyteller. When I was first learning to put sentences together, I inherited Grandma Connie’s electric typewriter. I. LOVED. THAT. THING. It was yellow and made a loud whhhhhhhiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrr when I plugged it in. I loved the smell the rubber-tipped metal letters had. I would sit for hours on end at my bedroom desk, typing away.
I lived across the street from a pool for most of my childhood. (Okay, fine, it was a country club. Judge away!) Instead of swimming, I’d sit poolside with my Five-Star notebook and Pilot fine point pens, frantically scribbling my stories about tween unrequited love. I even submitted a few of my manuscripts to the tween magazines I had subscriptions to.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about all of this ever since I read Gretchen Rubin ask in The Happiness Project, “What did you do for fun when you were 10 years old?” She made the case that chances are whatever you did for fun as a 10-year-old would be something that you would enjoy today as an adult. For me, that would be writing. These days, my writing usually revolves around faith, parenting, marriage, cultural observations, books, and finding happiness in ordinary living.
Now that we’re out of survival mode with our new beautiful baby girl, I’m getting an itch to get back to writing. As a mama of 4 littles, I tend to write in spurts. I’ll find a rhythm for a few weeks or months, and then I’ll hang the blog back on the shelf until life gets a little less crazy. I started blogging in November 2011, but it’s never been a daily habit. I think I’ve always thought it was a bit selfish or indulgent for a young mom. After 6.5 years at this parenting stuff, I’m learning that taking the time for me isn’t selfish; it’s a necessity.
This time, I want to do things differently. This time, I’m challenging myself to sit down and write for at least 10 minutes a day every single day. Those ten minutes might not be enough to create a coherent blog post, but it will mean that I’m practicing my craft daily. Just as I’ve been allowing myself to accept my new identity as a runner for my self-prescribed #yearofme, I’m starting to accept what my identity has always been: I am a writer.
My goal is to publish 3 blog posts a week by writing at least 10 minutes everyday. I don’t know what my future as a writer entails. For now, in this crazy chapter of life with 4 littles, it’s enough for me to embrace that I am, in fact, a writer. At long last, I am going to allow myself to be a writer for at least 10 minutes every single day.
Questions for you:
What did you like to do when you were ten years old? What would that look like today? Are you allowing yourself to do that thing on a regular basis? Why or why not?
To prepare for the sacrament of confession, Catholics are taught to examine their consciences in an effort to bring to mind all of the sins they committed since their last confession. There are several different versions of examinations of consciences available. Most are organized by questions relating to the 10 Commandments or are specific to one’s state in life (child, single, married, religious life). I’m always seeking out new examinations. Each examination has a way of zeroing in on specific areas I need to keep working on.
In preparation for my last meeting with my spiritual director, I read through the examination for married life through the Laudate app on my phone. This examination went through many different questions and sorted them into 4 different categories:
Responsibilities to God
Responsibilities to my spouse
Responsibilities to my children
Responsibilities to society
One of the benefits of examinations of conscience is that they inform you of sinful behavior you might not even be aware of. When I got to the responsibilities to my children, I came across this question:
Have I played or recreated with them?
The question stopped me in my tracks. I read the question over and over again. Have I played with my children? Have I recreated with them? I had never considered the question as a moral issue before. I had to stop and think about how I was connecting with the kids on an average day. Sure, I gave the kids little “time-ins” throughout the day, but I rarely took more than 10-15 minutes at a time just to play.
The Internet can’t agree on who said this quote, but I’ll give it to Dr. John Trainer: “Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.”
Pope Francis completely agrees with Dr. Trainer. In an address to the Pontifical Council on the Family, he said, “When I hear the confession of a young married man or woman, and they refer to their son or daughter, I ask, ‘How many children do you have?’ and they tell me. Maybe they’re expecting another question after that, but I always ask, ‘And tell me, do you play with your children? Do you waste time with your children?’ The free gift of a parent’s time is so important.”
Harry loves taking silly selfies
Since reading that examination that asked me if I’m playing with the kids, I’ve realized something heartbreaking and very sobering. It’s hard to write this, but here goes nothing: I treat the kids like interruptions to what I think is my real work. I believe that they have eternal souls that I’m supposed to be molding, but I usually choose to make a god out of my housework and generally losing myself in busy-ness.
I’m not trying to unnecessarily beat myself up as a mother. Our kids are 6, 5, almost 3, and 3 months old. There’s a lot to juggle and balance. I take time out of every day to make the kids feel special and connected, but if I’m honest with myself, I could be less selfish with how I approach our days.
The great news? I can choose to change that every single day.
Since talking about the issue with Philip and taking it to prayer, I’m starting to see three things that have helped:
Changing my view of time
Remembering
Moving On
Changing My View of Time
I get myself into trouble when I try ordering our days around my time instead of God’s time.2 Without fail, the day always, always, always goes better when I get in my morning prayer (even if it’s just a sincere Morning Offering before my feet hit the ground) and ask God to give me wisdom in how to order our day. When I relinquish control (and that’s hard for a control freak like me) and say, “God, how do You want me to spend this hour (or morning, afternoon, evening, etc.)?” He blesses the time more than if I start the day with my own agenda and timeframe.
It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? If only I’d remember that wisdom every single day! I have to keep reminding myself: It’s His time, it’s a gift He’s given me, and what I do with it is an offering for Him. When I can remember that, it’s so much easier to say “yes” to the kids as a “yes” to Him. Yes, I’ll play monster trucks with you in the living room. Yes, I’ll color with you at the kitchen table. Yes, I’ll read that book with you on the couch.
Remembering
All of us have both positive and negative memories of our childhoods. Taking the time to try and remember those positive and negative memories of my own childhood is really helpful. It helps me to realize what I’d like to do the same, improve upon, or change.
I forced myself to do this little thought experiment: What would the children say about their childhoods if they were suddenly adults today? If I’m honest, they’d probably say,
“My mom chose housework over me.”
“My mom was distracted.”
“My mom made me feel like I was interrupting her.”
“My mom was hot and cold. She was fun on the weekends and when Dad got home, but she was usually working during the day.”
I’m starting to see that the way I’m choosing to order an average day around here is not the way I want the kids to remember it.
Moving On
One of my favorite pastimes before I began spiritual direction was ruminating. I’d chew and chew and chew on all of the ways I had screwed up, replay the scenes in my head, and feel horrible about my shortcomings. Fun, huh?
This Year of Mercy has been a gift in that it has taught me to move on. Returning to the practice of monthly confession and spiritual direction has really helped me to do that. There’s something irreplaceable about being able to sit face-to-face with the same confessor month after month. The priest knows all of my shortcomings, administers the sacrament of confession in Persona Christi (in the Person of Christ), and encourages me to go in peace.
When I look at the crucifix, I realize that there’s a horrible price to all of my sins. Yet, wouldn’t it be such a tragic waste for me to keep kicking myself for all of the things I’ve already confessed and been released from? The God who died for me already moved on, so shouldn’t I do the same? Yes! I’m learning the answer is absolutely yes!
No more ruminating! Instead, I’m going to keep being honest, asking for forgiveness, forgiving myself, and moving on.
Learning How To Play
This might sound kind of silly, but as part of my efforts to move on, I’m realizing that I need to learn how to play with our kids. The kids have been excellent teachers. When I take the time to enter into their worlds, they show me everything I need to know. I used to think that a “good mom” looked like a summer camp counselor with pep in her step, a song for every occasion, and the energy of the Energizer Bunny. Instead, the kids are showing me that it’s more important for me to make eye contact, show them I’m listening by asking good questions, shower them with a lot of affection, and let them lead with their interests.
I’m getting better at this recreating thing, and I’ve noticed a big difference in the kids. For example, Jane has been putting on evening performances of “The Sound of Music” for our entire family in the basement with her Barbie dolls and Ken. She is so confident! Philip and I love to exchange looks during her play. It means so much to her that the whole family will come together to sit and watch her many installments of her favorite movie.
Introducing us to the cast of characters from “The Sound of Music”
I’m still not great at playing with the kids for big chunks of time, but I’m choosing them more often than distracting myself with housework. I’m taking it one day at a time and getting better and better at balancing the needs of the kids with my other duties.
Questions For You
How do you play with your kids?
How do you balance your responsibilities to family and home?
How do you remember your childhood? Did your parents carve out special time just to play with you? What did it look like?
To prepare for the sacrament of confession, Catholics are taught to examine their consciences in an effort to bring to mind all of the sins they committed since their last confession. There are several different versions of examinations of consciences available. Most are organized by questions relating to the 10 Commandments or are specific to one’s state in life (child, single, married, religious life). I’m always seeking out new examinations. Each examination has a way of zeroing in on specific areas I need to keep working on.
In preparation for my last meeting with my spiritual director, I read through the examination for married life through the Laudate app on my phone. This examination went through many different questions and sorted them into 4 different categories:
Responsibilities to God
Responsibilities to my spouse
Responsibilities to my children
Responsibilities to society
One of the benefits of examinations of conscience is that they inform you of sinful behavior you might not even be aware of. When I got to the responsibilities to my children, I came across this question:
Have I played or recreated with them?
The question stopped me in my tracks. I read the question over and over again. Have I played with my children? Have I recreated with them? I had never considered the question as a moral issue before. I had to stop and think about how I was connecting with the kids on an average day. Sure, I gave the kids little “time-ins” throughout the day, but I rarely took more than 10-15 minutes at a time just to play.
The Internet can’t agree on who said this quote, but I’ll give it to Dr. John Trainer: “Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.”
Pope Francis completely agrees with Dr. Trainer. In an address to the Pontifical Council on the Family, he said, “When I hear the confession of a young married man or woman, and they refer to their son or daughter, I ask, ‘How many children do you have?’ and they tell me. Maybe they’re expecting another question after that, but I always ask, ‘And tell me, do you play with your children? Do you waste time with your children?’ The free gift of a parent’s time is so important.”
Harry loves taking silly selfies
Since reading that examination that asked me if I’m playing with the kids, I’ve realized something heartbreaking and very sobering. It’s hard to write this, but here goes nothing: I treat the kids like interruptions to what I think is my real work. I believe that they have eternal souls that I’m supposed to be molding, but I usually choose to make a god out of my housework and generally losing myself in busy-ness.
I’m not trying to unnecessarily beat myself up as a mother. Our kids are 6, 5, almost 3, and 3 months old. There’s a lot to juggle and balance. I take time out of every day to make the kids feel special and connected, but if I’m honest with myself, I could be less selfish with how I approach our days.
The great news? I can choose to change that every single day.
Since talking about the issue with Philip and taking it to prayer, I’m starting to see three things that have helped:
Changing my view of time
Remembering
Moving On
Changing My View of Time
I get myself into trouble when I try ordering our days around my time instead of God’s time.2 Without fail, the day always, always, always goes better when I get in my morning prayer (even if it’s just a sincere Morning Offering before my feet hit the ground) and ask God to give me wisdom in how to order our day. When I relinquish control (and that’s hard for a control freak like me) and say, “God, how do You want me to spend this hour (or morning, afternoon, evening, etc.)?” He blesses the time more than if I start the day with my own agenda and timeframe.
It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? If only I’d remember that wisdom every single day! I have to keep reminding myself: It’s His time, it’s a gift He’s given me, and what I do with it is an offering for Him. When I can remember that, it’s so much easier to say “yes” to the kids as a “yes” to Him. Yes, I’ll play monster trucks with you in the living room. Yes, I’ll color with you at the kitchen table. Yes, I’ll read that book with you on the couch.
Remembering
All of us have both positive and negative memories of our childhoods. Taking the time to try and remember those positive and negative memories of my own childhood is really helpful. It helps me to realize what I’d like to do the same, improve upon, or change.
I forced myself to do this little thought experiment: What would the children say about their childhoods if they were suddenly adults today? If I’m honest, they’d probably say,
“My mom chose housework over me.”
“My mom was distracted.”
“My mom made me feel like I was interrupting her.”
“My mom was hot and cold. She was fun on the weekends and when Dad got home, but she was usually working during the day.”
I’m starting to see that the way I’m choosing to order an average day around here is not the way I want the kids to remember it.
Moving On
One of my favorite pastimes before I began spiritual direction was ruminating. I’d chew and chew and chew on all of the ways I had screwed up, replay the scenes in my head, and feel horrible about my shortcomings. Fun, huh?
This Year of Mercy has been a gift in that it has taught me to move on. Returning to the practice of monthly confession and spiritual direction has really helped me to do that. There’s something irreplaceable about being able to sit face-to-face with the same confessor month after month. The priest knows all of my shortcomings, administers the sacrament of confession in Persona Christi (in the Person of Christ), and encourages me to go in peace.
When I look at the crucifix, I realize that there’s a horrible price to all of my sins. Yet, wouldn’t it be such a tragic waste for me to keep kicking myself for all of the things I’ve already confessed and been released from? The God who died for me already moved on, so shouldn’t I do the same? Yes! I’m learning the answer is absolutely yes!
No more ruminating! Instead, I’m going to keep being honest, asking for forgiveness, forgiving myself, and moving on.
Learning How To Play
This might sound kind of silly, but as part of my efforts to move on, I’m realizing that I need to learn how to play with our kids. The kids have been excellent teachers. When I take the time to enter into their worlds, they show me everything I need to know. I used to think that a “good mom” looked like a summer camp counselor with pep in her step, a song for every occasion, and the energy of the Energizer Bunny. Instead, the kids are showing me that it’s more important for me to make eye contact, show them I’m listening by asking good questions, shower them with a lot of affection, and let them lead with their interests.
I’m getting better at this recreating thing, and I’ve noticed a big difference in the kids. For example, Jane has been putting on evening performances of “The Sound of Music” for our entire family in the basement with her Barbie dolls and Ken. She is so confident! Philip and I love to exchange looks during her play. It means so much to her that the whole family will come together to sit and watch her many installments of her favorite movie.
Introducing us to the cast of characters from “The Sound of Music”
I’m still not great at playing with the kids for big chunks of time, but I’m choosing them more often than distracting myself with housework. I’m taking it one day at a time and getting better and better at balancing the needs of the kids with my other duties.
Questions For You
How do you play with your kids?
How do you balance your responsibilities to family and home?
How do you remember your childhood? Did your parents carve out special time just to play with you? What did it look like?
Sorry for the radio silence on the blog! It has been a wonderful summer around here. We seem to be finding our summer rhythm, and I’ve (mostly) adjusted to life as a mama of 4 littles. I have so much to share and want to write about, especially some updates on the “Year of Me”, but I’ll save that for another time.
Last week, I listened to Episode 27 of The Right Heart Podcast with Erin Franco. The episode is called, “Back to the Heart of Sunday Rest.” In the podcast, Erin interviewed my friend, Lisa Schmidt, about where this idea of Sunday rest came from, they shared their struggles in making it happen, Lisa reassured us that there are very few rules beyond our Sunday obligation to attend Mass, and Lisa offered some wonderful, practical ways to make Sunday more restful. Please, please, please do yourself a favor, and listen to the episode now if you’ve ever wondered how to make Sunday a special day for you and your family.
A few of my favorite takeaways from the podcast:
God gives the commandment to rest to the Israelites AFTER entering into covenant with them and freeing them from slavery in Egypt. It is weekly reminder to them of the love that God has for His people.
Like the Israelites, we should keep Sunday as a “day of protest” from the things we feel enslaved by. “God’s action is the model for human action. If God ‘rested and was refreshed’ on the seventh day, man too ought to ‘rest’ and should let others, especially the poor, ‘be refreshed.’ The sabbath brings everyday work to a halt and provides a respite. It is a day of protest against the servitude of work and the worship of money.” Catechism of the Catholic Church, #2172
What you feel enslaved by may not be enslaving for someone else. (Example: If you like gardening, go ahead and garden on Sunday. If you don’t enjoy it, find something else to do!)
There is a difference between doing nothing (NOT the idea of the Sabbath) and the goal of holy leisure
Wondering how to say “no” to commitments on Sundays? Read this Wall Street Journal article that Lisa mentioned. The author suggests stating your “no” as a value. Instead of saying, “We can’t…,” say, “We don’t participate in sports on Sundays.” Saying your “no” as a value does a few things: The person on the receiving end is less likely to argue with a value. In fact, they will likely respect you for drawing a line. In turn, the person will also be more inclined to create healthy boundaries for themselves. Imagine if our “no” stated as a value led to other families creating similar policies for their own families!
After listening to the podcast, I was inspired to share the nuggets of wisdom from Erin and Lisa with Philip. We have made an effort in the past to avoid shopping and do only the necessary housework (mostly cooking and kitchen clean-up) on Sundays, so we didn’t have too many radical adjustments to make, but there was definitely room for improvement.
Lisa gave me a very fun and very easy way to set Sundays apart: a special baked treat! Instead of having dessert all week long, Lisa is making it a goal to limit sweets for her family during the week and baking something special for Sundays. We took that idea and ran with it! Our inaugural special dessert was a delicious apple crisp with vanilla ice cream.
Baker Walt mixing the ingredients for the crumble
Baker Jane slicing the apples under Dad’s supervision
Adding on the crumble
Apple crisp (crumble doubled and a dollop of vanilla ice cream on top, of course!)
I love the idea of setting Sundays apart with special desserts. I think it will take us awhile to cut back on the desserts the rest of the week, but we can definitely make a very special dessert for Sundays.
We’re still thinking and praying about what we want Sundays to look like in this family. There are plenty of ways our Sundays could look different when we think about escaping from or at least limiting the things we feel enslaved by. What are you feeling enslaved by? Screens? Sports? Social media? The phone? Social commitments? Family commitments? Housework? Exercise? How can you make Sunday a “day of protest” for you and your family? Would the outside world know you are a Christian by the way you are living your Sundays?
