by Catherine | Jul 8, 2017 | Uncategorized
Just hours after I hit publish on our last post, explaining and outlining our desire to adopt from China, the CCCWA (the Chinese governing entity that oversees adoption) released new rules for adoptive parents.
I have to giggle when I re-read this line from my last post: “We’re also hoping for a relatively stable process. (God’s laughing.)”
If parenthood has taught me anything, it is that I am not in control. The new rules from the CCCWA are really driving that point home. If we’re not in charge with biological parenthood, why should adoption be any different? Countries can choose to change the rules (as China did) or completely close their borders (as many have) overnight. As with biological parenthood, we are guaranteed nothing.
Initially, the CCCWA’s new rules left us wondering what this meant for us. What was God saying? Should we stay in China? Reconsider Haiti? Explore other programs? Revisit the idea of domestic adoption? Does this mean we shouldn’t adopt right now?
When we woke up to the news that the CCCWA had changed its rules for adoptive parents, Philip and I spent the day praying, exchanging messages, and trying to get clarification on what this meant for us. Fortunately, we already had a date night on the books for that evening. We were able to sneak away for 9 holes of golf and a leisurely dinner to talk things over. As we had yet to hear back from our adoption agency to clarify the rules, we worked through the rules as we understood them and played out all of the possible scenarios. We talked about other countries and their requirements, domestic adoption, and what the rules would mean for an adoption from China.
After talking it over for two hours on a restaurant patio, we felt the distinct peace from: 1. Knowing that God has always been and will always be with us, and that 2. We think we know what He’s telling us to do moving forward. Ultimately, we agreed that the best course of action for our family was to stay put with the China program and to proceed with our adoption plans under the new rules. In essence, He was telling us, “Guys. Pump. The. Brakes.” While this wasn’t in our initial plan, we know that we cannot “miss” the child God intends for our family. He’s giving us the gift of time–to work on our hearts, to strengthen our family as it is, and expand our capacity to love one another more perfectly. How can that be a bad thing? And how can that be a bad thing for our adopted child to join?
After a lot of back and forth with our adoption agency, we have clarification on how the new rules affect our family’s adoption. The new rule most affecting our adoption is this one: “The youngest child in the house should reach 3 years old.” This means that potential adoptive parents cannot even be entered into the system and receive their LID (“log-in date”) until their youngest child’s 3rd birthday. Since Dorothy is 15 months old, this will significantly extend our timeline. We were just a few months away from sending our nearly completed dossier off to China.
You see this mammoth?
This is our adoption binder. It’s full of all of the adoption paperwork that was *nearly* complete and ready to be sent off to China. While the kids were in school, I was spending nearly 20 hours each week during their naps and after bed preparing this paperwork. Since they’ve been home for summer, I’ve been carving out whatever time I can to work on things. Looking at this binder fills me with emotion. It involved a whole lotta time, a whole lotta money, and a whole lotta hoping and praying.
When a dossier is sent to China, none of the documents can be more than six months old. Effectively, this means that everything we have done thus far toward our dossier will need to be redone.
And yet, I’m not freaking out. *THIS* is how I know that this is what is best for our family. I’m willing to let it all go without shedding a single tear. The child God intends for our family is worth every second of sacrifice. All is not lost.
The great news? A lot of the paperwork required for a dossier fulfills requirements for an adoption home study. A completed and satisfactory home study is valid for one year. This means that we don’t have to go back to square one with our home study. Instead, we will only have to do an update each year between now and homecoming. This will require a few visits and some updating of the paperwork. Phew!
Also, because we have already gone through nearly all of the paperwork for our dossier, we know what to expect moving forward. Half of the stress of the paper chase is figuring out how to do it correctly. If we’ve already done it before, doing it the second time won’t be nearly so hard.
So what now? We’ll complete our adoption training and put the finishing touches on everything to officially complete our home study. Then, we’re pumping the brakes. Our adoption agency recommends that we start rebuilding our dossier again a few months after Dorothy’s 2nd birthday. Basically, we still start the paper chase again around the same time next year.
That gives us a year. And you know what that makes this year? The Year of Surrender. I didn’t know why God gave me that word after I ended the Year of Me, but He did. He knew. He always does. We’re going to slow down and focus on the precious children God has already entrusted to our family. We’re going to keep strengthening our marriage. We’re going to make sure we’re keeping our primary relationships in order–God, marriage, children, family, friends, and so on. And we’re going to stop pretending like we’re in control of any of it. It’s time to slow down, to get more intentional, and to see the ways God is preparing us for what (and who!) is to come.
by Catherine | Jul 5, 2017 | Uncategorized
Adoption is something that has always been on our hearts. Philip and I started talking about adoption when we were dating and dreaming about our future family. Now that we’re settled in Lincoln, Philip is done with his medical training, and Dorothy is a year old, we thought now would be an ideal time to begin the process. We started seriously researching adoption a year ago. After a lot of prayer and talking with various families we know who have adopted internationally, domestically (within the U.S.), or have fostered to adopt, we decided that international adoption was the best fit for our family right now.
Next, we had to decide which country we would be adopting from. Initially, we thought that we would be adopting from China. As many of you know, Philip has a younger sister, Maddy, who was adopted from China when Philip was a senior in high school. After a little research, we found out that the relaxation of China’s One-Child Policy dramatically changed the population of adoptable children from China. More families are choosing to parent their daughters, so more boys are available for adoption than girls. Also, all of the children available for adoption are considered “special needs.” (More on this later.)
Meanwhile, we were also learning more about Haiti and their adoption process. For awhile, it looked like this was the route we were headed. We’d be looking at a 3-ish year timeline, and our adopted child would likely be healthy on paper. Unfortunately, after speaking with families who have adopted from Haiti in recent years, it became obvious that there is no such thing as a reliable timeline when adopting from Haiti. We could be looking at a wait of 5-6 years with no promises of a child. Since we hope that God will bless us with another biological child down the road, we don’t want to postpone our family plans that long. We’re also hoping for a relatively stable process. (God’s laughing.) So, it was back to the drawing board.
In the midst of all of this, we narrowed down our short list of adoption agencies. One adoption agency, America World Adoption Agency, proved itself to be superior in its attention to detail, advocacy for the children, and promptness in returning phone calls/e-mails, so we decided to work with them. They helped us to weigh the pros and cons of both their Haiti and China programs. After speaking with the coordinators from both programs, we decided that China was the best fit for us after all. Our biggest concerns and questions revolved around what “special needs” means. In the world of international adoption, “special needs” is a very, very large umbrella.
The adoptable children in China are separated into 2 groups:
- Special Needs
- Special Focus
Children in the special needs group have what are considered more minor and correctable conditions such as: cleft lip/palate, minor heart condition, hernia, skin conditions, etc. Boys are often considered special needs because more families want to adopt girls. Children older than 10 are considered special needs as well. Children placed in the special focus group have conditions that are more involved and require extensive therapy/surgery/interventions such as: brain damage, blindness, paralysis, etc.
After speaking with the representative from the China Program, she made us much more confident in our decision to adopt from China. China has one of the longest standing international adoption relationships with the United States. Compared with other countries, it is a relatively short and smooth process. From start to homecoming, we will be looking at a 16-24 month process. Our start date was back in March when we formally filed our adoption paperwork with our adoption agency, so at the very longest we’d have a homecoming in March 2019. In all likelihood, our child will be here before then! Our agency has people on the ground in China who will be able to coordinate our trip, lead us through the legal process on both ends, and facilitate communication between us and the orphanage/foster family caring for our child.
As all of the adoptable children from China have special needs, Philip and I have the opportunity to fill out what is called a “Waiting Child Application.” The Waiting Child Application allows adoptive families to list all of the medical conditions that they are open to or will possibly consider. This was one of the many steps when I was glad to be married to a pediatrician! Basically, potential adoptive parents are given an extensive list of the special needs often seen in the Chinese orphanages/foster homes. Philip and I had to go through the list of conditions and create 2 lists. The first list was our “green lights,” all of the conditions that we feel equipped to take on. The second list had our “yellow lights,” the conditions that we might consider depending on the severity or combination of conditions listed in the child’s file. This was the most difficult and emotional part of the process so far.
We submitted our Waiting Child Application last month to our adoption agency and can receive a match any day. How long will it take to get a match? The more conditions a couple is open to, the higher the likelihood that they will get a quick match. The fewer conditions a couple is open to, the longer they will likely wait. We are requesting a baby girl between the ages of 0-2 years old. Based on the conditions we listed, we are probably looking at that timeline I mentioned above of 2 years or less. In all likelihood, she would be 14-16 months at homecoming.
When/if we are given a match, we will receive a very basic file for that child. It will likely include a few photos, perhaps a video, and a brief medical file. The information may be incomplete and/or dated. We are not required to accept that match. We will have the opportunity to review that child’s file for approximately 5-7 days. During that time, we can consult with physicians who have experience reviewing international adoption files to determine what that child’s special needs will require and whether or not we feel ready and able to adopt that child.
Since March, we have been working on 2 important steps:
- Building our dossier
- Completing our home study
A dossier is just a fancy word that means a whole bunch of paperwork required by the U.S. and Chinese government for our adoption. I already have a 2-inch binder full of copies of the paperwork we have collected and completed. An adoption dossier for China requires approximately 50 different documents, many of which need to be original, notarized, and certified. A dossier requires things like: training certificates, birth certificates, several background checks, fingerprints, medical forms/test results, and a home study summary.
A home study is basically an extensive look into your actual home and your family’s readiness to adopt. Our adoption agency is based out of Virginia and does not perform home studies in Nebraska, so a social worker from Lutheran Family Services is working with us. The social worker comes to our home 3 separate times, 2 hours each. We completed our home study visits back in May, and we have really enjoyed working with our social worker. She is helping us to feel as prepared as possible and getting us equipped with all of the resources we need. She is in the process of writing up our formal home study report. She’s just waiting on us to finish our adoption training classes before she can tie a bow on things. Our adoption classes are online, and we’re nearly done with them.
It typically takes families 4-7 months go complete the paper chase. We’re right on track and are feeling good about things. All of the documents that we collected now need to be state certified. This will take several weeks. It is very important that none of the documents we gathered are older than 6 months old by the time they reach the Chinese government or they will need to be redone.
Once our home study is finalized and all of our documents are state certified, our dossier will be sent off to our adoption agency to be translated into Mandarin before it is sent to the Chinese government. From there, the Chinese government will give us our official Log-In Date (LID). Once we have our LID, we are officially “in the system” and can move forward legally with a match. Meanwhile, we will apply to the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) to for our child’s immigration.
This is all a very general and broad overview of the process as we understand it. Only God knows how it will all play out! Meanwhile, we are doing what we can as we have time and are leaving the rest up to Him. We keep reminding ourselves that it is impossible for us to “miss” the child that God intends for our family. We are contentedly focused on the children God already blessed us with, and we plug away at adoption stuff in the fringe hours.
Thank you for all of the support and prayers you’ve already given our family!
by Catherine | May 4, 2017 | Uncategorized
Last year at this time, I was going to my 6-week postpartum check-up. I was fed up with how things were going–with my energy, my nutrition, my fitness, my prayer life, my rest, and my lack of me-time. I decided my 6-week check-up would mark my second new year and kick off what I called “The Year of Me.” As a wise mama mentor told me, “You have to fill yourself up so that you can pour yourself out.” With that, I decided it was time for this tired, out of shape, junk food eating, resentful mama with a spotty prayer life to fill herself up.
I thought long and hard about the areas I wanted to improve upon, and I set goals in the areas of:
- exercise
- nutrition
- prayer/spiritual life
- rest
- me time
Changing My Mindset
I’ve never stuck with something for myself for a solid year. Honestly, it took a long time for me to stop viewing The Year of Me as self-indulgent. After all, as a stay-at-home mom, aren’t I supposed to be putting myself last? Isn’t my life all about pouring myself out for my husband and children? Well, party people, I tried that. Turns out it doesn’t work to serve people when you’re constantly running on fumes. And you know what? It’s not what they want anyway. They don’t want a bitter, impatient, fed-up martyr’s sacrifice. They want a healthy, rested, and happy wife and mother. They need someone who gives out of abundant grace instead of scarcity and scorekeeping. And you know what else? I need all of that for myself. That is why I did The Year of Me.
Creating Habits
Aside from changing my mindset and getting rid of the self-doubt, the hardest part of the Year of Me was creating the habits. I felt most in over my head with my goals in the areas of exercise and nutrition. Prior to the Year of Me, I never exercised on a regular basis. I couldn’t run for a minute without stopping. I started using the Couch to 5K app and plugged away at that 3 days a week while the kids played in the gym nursery.
A year later, I’m working out 6 days a week before the kids wake up. I run 3 days a week for at least half an hour, and I’m training toward a 10K using the free Couch to 10K app from Zen Labs. Lately, the training days are 53ish minutes. The other 3 days, I do strength training workout videos from 21-Day Fix. I’m resuming physical therapy next week with a physical therapist trained in pelvic floor strengthening. We’re going to work to completely repair my diastasis recti (abdominal separation) and other injuries I’ve written about before. Ladies, do yourselves a favor, and find out about postpartum physical therapy exercises to repair and strengthen your body!
When it came to nutrition, I had developed a disordered relationship with food during my last pregnancy. As a result of my severe “morning” sickness, I viewed food as a necessary evil that sounded horrible but helped me to not vomit for an hour or so. I had to constantly have something in my stomach, and it was horrible. Once Dorothy was born, I was able to regain my enjoyment of food, but I had to change my habits back to a normal caloric intake while taking into account my needs for breastfeeding. I found some good food options that I wouldn’t get sick of, and I’ve more or less been eating the same things for breakfast and lunch for the past year. For breakfast, I have an egg sandwich on a whole grain English muffin and a banana with a cup of coffee. For lunch, I have grilled chicken on top of a variety of prepared salad packs. I have 4 or 5 favorite kinds of salad in rotation. Every now and then, I’ll add some leftover steak into the mix. For dinner, Philip and I work together on our weekly menu as part of our Sunday evening family meeting once we’ve dismissed the kids to watch a movie. This helps us to be committed to our menu together, and we share the meal preparation load. We plan our weekly menu together based around what’s going on that week. Swimming lessons on Wednesday? Leftovers! Philip has a late night at work on Friday? Crockpot!
A year later, our house is in a much better place with nutrition. We have lighter items on our menu that everyone seems to enjoy. Gone are the days of cream of something based casseroles. In are the days of lean meats with lots of produce. My once a week trip to the grocery store keeps our budget in control and makes us invested in clearing out the fridge instead of picking up takeout.
Building Upon Good Habits
God knows how much I need my rest, so He has mercifully blessed us with 4 good sleepers. In those early postpartum months I took guilt-free afternoon naps, and I’ll still take one from time to time if I’m especially exhausted. Philip has been our bedtime enforcer, and we’re generally going to bed around 9:30. Unfortunately, my desire to read ALL THE BOOKS keeps me up too, too late. I need to learn a little self-control in that area. If not for all of my evening reading, I’d feel well rested.
Have you heard of Gretchen Rubin and read any of her books or listened to her podcast, Happier? Well, she has this thing called the 4 tendencies. If you want to know yours, take her quiz. (Her book, The Four Tendencies, is coming out in September 2017). ANYWAY, I say all of that to say that I’m an Obliger. As an Obliger, I easily meet outer expectations and struggle to meet inner expectations. (No wonder I needed a Year of Me!) On her Happier podcast, I learned this trick that’s helped me to stick to some good habits: be kind to my future self. I’m not good at doing things for myself unless I think, “Future me is going to be glad I did this.” It’s not a struggle to do things for myself when I tell myself that it’s for Future Catherine. So, for example, when I’m reading a really good book at 10:30 p.m. tonight and am tempted to read until the end, I’m going to tell myself, “Future Catherine will be glad if I put the book down now and go to bed.” I know. All of the self talk sounds kind of crazy. But it works, folks.
Fortunately, my prayer life was in a good place before delivery, and it didn’t take me long to get back on track. I’m still working on just being in God’s presence and listening instead of talking at Him all the time. I have a feeling that’ll be a life’s work for me. I’m making a lot of progress with the help of monthly meetings with my wonderful spiritual director. There’s something really, really special about having a confessor that knows your heart with all of its faults but knows your bigger story. He sees the setbacks, acknowledges the growth, and gives me wise counsel to move forward in trust in God’s neverending mercy. I can look him in the eyes now and give him an unapologetic “thank you” now when he tells me that I’m a great wife and mother and that I’m doing a great job.
With Philip’s insistence, I’ve had regular me time at least once a week this past year. One day a week, a sitter comes over to play with the kids after school, and I take time away until dinner. I used to feel the need to fill the time with running errands or doing something that felt like checking an item off my to-do list. That was dumb. Now, I’ll treat myself without guilt or the constant compulsion to be doing something productive. I’ll get my nails done, read, blog, or whatever sounds like it will fill my tank. I used to think that I was an extrovert, but I’m slowly accepting that I’m a serious introvert. I love people, but, man, I need some major recovery time after being with a lot of people. This 2-hour break to myself revitalizes me and helps me to get back to life and all of its obligations.
What’s Next?
I’ve been thinking about what’s next since the Year of Me is over. I’ve taken it to God, and I think He’s telling me that my next challenge should be the Year of Surrender. It’s time for this control freak to finally let go, tell God that He’s in control, actually believe it, and then let Him do His thing. Want to know how I feel about that? Well, honestly, I’m terrified. I’ll be praying about all of this in the days and weeks to come and share about my “plan” another time soon. And you know what God’s gonna do, right? He’s gonna laugh.
![The Year of Me: Nutrition Goals Update]()
by Catherine | Sep 21, 2016 | Uncategorized
New to the blog? Did you know I’m having a Year of Me? Last time, I shared about my Fitness Goals Update. Today, I’m talking all about my Nutrition Goals.
Nutrition
I had such a disordered relationship with food during pregnancy. During pregnancy, it was more about eating whatever it took to keep myself from throwing up than it was about satisfying cravings. Eating around the clock and staying on top of my anti-nausea medication were the only two things that made me feel minor relief.
One of my main goals with nutrition was to do weekly menu planning with Philip. We’ve met this goal every week since beginning the Year of Me. We’ve worked together to find healthy menu items that work for the whole family. We continue to work on portion control and balancing all of the food groups. I have the same breakfast and lunch almost every day. For me, having the same meals for breakfast and lunch everyday take away the mental exhaustion of more decisions. We’ve figured out how to make things ahead of time to keep breakfast and lunch super convenient. This was key for me during survival mode with a newborn and 3 little ones home during the dog days of summer!
For breakfast, Philip prepares me the breakfast of champions! We have this awesome little egg skillet that he prepares 2 eggs in. He takes great pleasure in the daily egg flip. He serves them on a toasted whole grain English muffin with one slice of ham, a banana, and a cup of coffee with 2T of creamer. I eat while pumping before my workout and sip my coffee throughout the morning.
For lunch, I’ve found some fantastic salad packs from SAM’s Club. I put some of these mixes in a bowl, throw some grilled chicken breasts on top, and pour some dressing on. Unfortunately, I’m not getting any money for sharing them with you. Ha! Philip grills the chicken breasts for me at the beginning of the week. We chop them up and keep them in a tupperware in the fridge. Sometimes I’ll switch it up and add leftover proteins from dinner.
My favorite salad mixes:
We have a big variety in our dinner menu, but the options are very healthy. Having variety in the dinner menu helps me to stick with my breakfast and lunch staples. We’re pretty adventurous when it comes to food, so it’s rare for us to repeat the same recipes for dinner.
For snacks, I’m loving KIND Bars and Greek yogurt with fresh fruit or granola on top. Yogurt parfaits are a fun treat, too.
I was keeping a food diary using the My Fitness Pal app. I loved it, but I stopped using it after awhile since I felt that I had a good handle on nutrition. Using it for nearly a month taught me a lot about how to put my calories to work. I put an end to mindless eating and worked hard to find menu items that would not only keep my tummy from growling but also keep me from feeling deprived.
Since implementing my nutrition goals, I’ve seen my weight drastically change. I know my physical activity is contributing, but I think it has much more to do with my nutrition. I’ve also noticed that my digestive system is much happier with me than it was when I was more sedentary. It has been super easy to keep the routine going now that we’ve streamlined the menu planning and meal prep.
My favorite part is that I’m continuing to lose at a healthy rate, but I’m still getting to have occasional treats like a glass of wine, 100 calorie packs of microwave kettle corn, or Dove dark chocolates. I’m a moderator instead of an abstainer, so having treats doesn’t derail me the way it might for some people. In fact, having a little treat every now and then is helping me to stay on track instead of abstaining from sweets altogether. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, read about moderators vs. abstainers. Gretchen Rubin introduced me to the idea.) I’m still nursing Dorothy, so I will make adjustments whenever she weans for my calorie intake.
Going forward, I’m going to work on:
- Re-organizing my favorite recipes
- Meal prep during afternoon naptime
Questions for You
What’s working for you in the area of nutrition? Do you eat the same things for certain meals everyday, or would that not work for you? How do you do your meal planning? Do you have any favorite snacks or relatively healthy treats that keep you satisfied? Share, share, share!
!["Their Invitation is Your Permission"]()
by Catherine | Sep 2, 2016 | Uncategorized
I was listening to The Happy Hour With Jamie Ivey episode #13 last week while I did the dinner dishes. Jamie and her guest, Annie Downs, author of the book Let’s All Be Brave, were talking about bravery in relationships. They spent a chunk of the podcast talking about this phrase and its meaning:
“Their Invitation is Your Permission.” When I heard their conversation, I realized how much I needed to hear their words. The “invitation” doesn’t need to be a literal invitation for me to do something; it can be a compliment, a question of how I’m feeling, an opportunity to vent, a need for hard love truth-telling, a chance to take a break. Sometimes, it’s an actual invitation to get together or share a talent. Since listening to their podcast, I’ve been carrying the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission” along with me in all of my relationships.
In the podcast, Annie shared a story about a friend who speaks at conferences. The friend was struggling because every time a conference director called to invite her to speak, she ended up telling them why they shouldn’t hire her. Jamie said she does the same thing when someone invites her to write something.
“Do you really want me to write this?” she’d ask.
Jamie and Annie agreed that they do this in their relationships. The person gives them an invitation, and they refuse to take their permission to accept it. Annie said she even did it when it came to scheduling the recording of the podcast. She said to Jamie, “I had the wrong time and you said, ‘How about now?’ and I said, ‘Are you sure?’ And I’m like, ‘Well, you offered now. I should just listen.’
Yes, yes, yes! I do this all the time in my own life! Someone will offer to do me a favor, or maybe they’ll suggest meeting at a time that seems inconvenient for them, so I do the, “Are you sure?” thing. So. Silly. They just said they could do x, so why am I asking, “Are you sure?” Moving forward, I need to hear the words they’re saying, trust that they mean them, accept them, and move forward. Is it my own insecurity, my feelings that I’m not worth the trouble? Is it an attempt to stop someone from doing an act of love for me? Doing all of that only invites doubt into the relationship. Also, it robs their words of their meaning. I need to start allowing their words to be enough for me and give them their meaning back.
Allowing my loved ones’ words to have meaning helps me to practice giving my own words meaning. As part of His sermon on the mount, Jesus focused on swearing oaths. He told His disciples not to swear or make oaths. “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from the Evil One” (Matthew 5:37). I’m not making oaths in my everyday conversations with friends and family, but there’s an important lesson here. My loved ones will start to believe that my words are worthless if I keep muddying the waters with qualifications, excuses, or hedging around what I really want to say.
In order to make my “Yes” or “No” mean something, I need to change 2 things: First, I need to stop qualifying every “No” with an detailed explanation. Do you do this? Why do I start on a little soliloquy every time I decline an invitation? “No, I can’t come to dinner on Friday because…” Why do I feel the need to qualify every sentence or explain my every move? Do we somehow think it’s more of a social nicety to give a paragraph when a simple “no” will do? Stop. “No” is enough.
Second, when someone invites me to do something that seems inconvenient for them, I tend to accept the invitation before immediately suggesting several alternatives. Perhaps they’ll suggest to meet early on a Saturday morning for coffee. I’ll respond with something like, “Sure! Or, what about these other 3 options that seem better?” Lunacy.
When I do all of this over and over again (qualifying my “no” or accepting an invitation before immediately creating new ones), I tell the person I’m speaking to that our words aren’t enough. This trains both of us to start searching every word for a hidden message. On the receiving end, we stop believing every “yes” or “no” we hear, and we search for an underlying message of hurt, betrayal, annoyance, frustration, anger. After hearing Jamie and Annie talk about “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” I’m working on how I give and accept invitations. So, Friend, when you tell me that it works for you to get coffee early on a Saturday morning, I’m no longer going to ask, “Are you suuuuuuuuuuure?” I’m going to trust that your word is your sincere invitation to allow me to say, “Great! Looking forward to it!” And isn’t it so wonderful when a friend eagerly accepts your sincere invitation?
When I look at all of my relationships, the ones with strong communication are full of honesty and simplicity. “Their invitation is your permission” pervades every conversation. It’s really just about giving and accepting truth. When I’m on the receiving end of an invitation, how I accept it says a lot about me. If someone gives me a compliment and I choose to accept it sincerely instead of the silly false modesty thing, that can be a gift. If feels good when someone accepts a sincere compliment.
Making my own language simple will free all of us from the burden of the blabber. It brings meaning back to my words. In turn, it shows my loved ones that I’m going to believe their simple “yes” or “no.” Inviting them to believe me and showing them that I’m going to believe them removes the doubt and need for guesswork. This, my friends, is vital for any relationship.
It’s especially vital in marriage, and next time I’ll share what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage.
Questions for you:
Do you struggle with accepting others’ invitations? Again, remember that an invitation isn’t limited to a literal invitation. Do you qualify your “no”? Do you accept invitations and then immediately come up with alternatives? Or, perhaps you’ve recognized these patterns in conversation and have tried to put a stop to these bad habits. How has “Their Invitation is Your Permission” changed how you talk with your loved ones?
![“Their Invitation is Your Permission”]()
by Catherine | Sep 2, 2016 | Uncategorized
I was listening to The Happy Hour With Jamie Ivey episode #13 last week while I did the dinner dishes. Jamie and her guest, Annie Downs, author of the book Let’s All Be Brave, were talking about bravery in relationships. They spent a chunk of the podcast talking about this phrase and its meaning:
“Their Invitation is Your Permission.” When I heard their conversation, I realized how much I needed to hear their words. The “invitation” doesn’t need to be a literal invitation for me to do something; it can be a compliment, a question of how I’m feeling, an opportunity to vent, a need for hard love truth-telling, a chance to take a break. Sometimes, it’s an actual invitation to get together or share a talent. Since listening to their podcast, I’ve been carrying the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission” along with me in all of my relationships.
In the podcast, Annie shared a story about a friend who speaks at conferences. The friend was struggling because every time a conference director called to invite her to speak, she ended up telling them why they shouldn’t hire her. Jamie said she does the same thing when someone invites her to write something.
“Do you really want me to write this?” she’d ask.
Jamie and Annie agreed that they do this in their relationships. The person gives them an invitation, and they refuse to take their permission to accept it. Annie said she even did it when it came to scheduling the recording of the podcast. She said to Jamie, “I had the wrong time and you said, ‘How about now?’ and I said, ‘Are you sure?’ And I’m like, ‘Well, you offered now. I should just listen.’
Yes, yes, yes! I do this all the time in my own life! Someone will offer to do me a favor, or maybe they’ll suggest meeting at a time that seems inconvenient for them, so I do the, “Are you sure?” thing. So. Silly. They just said they could do x, so why am I asking, “Are you sure?” Moving forward, I need to hear the words they’re saying, trust that they mean them, accept them, and move forward. Is it my own insecurity, my feelings that I’m not worth the trouble? Is it an attempt to stop someone from doing an act of love for me? Doing all of that only invites doubt into the relationship. Also, it robs their words of their meaning. I need to start allowing their words to be enough for me and give them their meaning back.
Allowing my loved ones’ words to have meaning helps me to practice giving my own words meaning. As part of His sermon on the mount, Jesus focused on swearing oaths. He told His disciples not to swear or make oaths. “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from the Evil One” (Matthew 5:37). I’m not making oaths in my everyday conversations with friends and family, but there’s an important lesson here. My loved ones will start to believe that my words are worthless if I keep muddying the waters with qualifications, excuses, or hedging around what I really want to say.
In order to make my “Yes” or “No” mean something, I need to change 2 things: First, I need to stop qualifying every “No” with an detailed explanation. Do you do this? Why do I start on a little soliloquy every time I decline an invitation? “No, I can’t come to dinner on Friday because…” Why do I feel the need to qualify every sentence or explain my every move? Do we somehow think it’s more of a social nicety to give a paragraph when a simple “no” will do? Stop. “No” is enough.
Second, when someone invites me to do something that seems inconvenient for them, I tend to accept the invitation before immediately suggesting several alternatives. Perhaps they’ll suggest to meet early on a Saturday morning for coffee. I’ll respond with something like, “Sure! Or, what about these other 3 options that seem better?” Lunacy.
When I do all of this over and over again (qualifying my “no” or accepting an invitation before immediately creating new ones), I tell the person I’m speaking to that our words aren’t enough. This trains both of us to start searching every word for a hidden message. On the receiving end, we stop believing every “yes” or “no” we hear, and we search for an underlying message of hurt, betrayal, annoyance, frustration, anger. After hearing Jamie and Annie talk about “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” I’m working on how I give and accept invitations. So, Friend, when you tell me that it works for you to get coffee early on a Saturday morning, I’m no longer going to ask, “Are you suuuuuuuuuuure?” I’m going to trust that your word is your sincere invitation to allow me to say, “Great! Looking forward to it!” And isn’t it so wonderful when a friend eagerly accepts your sincere invitation?
When I look at all of my relationships, the ones with strong communication are full of honesty and simplicity. “Their invitation is your permission” pervades every conversation. It’s really just about giving and accepting truth. When I’m on the receiving end of an invitation, how I accept it says a lot about me. If someone gives me a compliment and I choose to accept it sincerely instead of the silly false modesty thing, that can be a gift. If feels good when someone accepts a sincere compliment.
Making my own language simple will free all of us from the burden of the blabber. It brings meaning back to my words. In turn, it shows my loved ones that I’m going to believe their simple “yes” or “no.” Inviting them to believe me and showing them that I’m going to believe them removes the doubt and need for guesswork. This, my friends, is vital for any relationship.
It’s especially vital in marriage, and next time I’ll share what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage.
Questions for you:
Do you struggle with accepting others’ invitations? Again, remember that an invitation isn’t limited to a literal invitation. Do you qualify your “no”? Do you accept invitations and then immediately come up with alternatives? Or, perhaps you’ve recognized these patterns in conversation and have tried to put a stop to these bad habits. How has “Their Invitation is Your Permission” changed how you talk with your loved ones?
