!["Honey, do you think you might have post-partum depression?"]()
by Catherine | Jan 15, 2014 | Family, Marriage
It was a few days after my birthday (November 26th), and we were sitting on the couch at the end of an especially trying day. At least, I thought it was especially trying. Looking back, it was probably just an ordinary day. The way I was responding to each day was anything but ordinary, though. After watching me turn into a shell of myself for nearly a month, Philip finally had the courage to ask that night,
“Honey, do you think you might have post-partum depression?”
Instead of immediately jumping into defense mode or attacking him, I sat quietly. I probably sat silent for ten seconds before I said, “Honestly? I don’t know. You know more about it than I do. Pretend I’m a patient, and ask me the questions.”
“Okay, I’ll rattle off the symptoms, and you tell me ‘yes’ or ‘no.'”
“Okay.”
“Are you anxious?”
“Yes.”
“Tired?”
“Yes.”
“Have poor or increased appetite?”
“Yes.”
“Irritable?”
“Yes.”
“Is it easy to make you cry?”
“Yes.”
“Do you feel depressed?”
“Yes.”
“Honey, I think you have post-partum depression.”
I knew he was right. I was nursing Harry, and I started sobbing. I told Philip I thought he was right. We spent the next hour talking about what our next move would be. I said that going to just any doctor made me nervous. I’m not anti-medicine. Heck, I married a doctor! I just wanted to make sure I was going to see someone that would treat whatever underlying condition was going on rather than immediately place me on an anti-depressant.
Then, I had an idea. I remembered when we were learning about the Creighton Model at Pope Paul VI Institute during our engagement that they treated post-partum depression with hormone therapy. I knew I needed to have a yearly physical anyway, so I suggested that I could see someone at a local Catholic medical practice called Sancta Familia. I knew at least one of their nurse practitioners received her training through Pope Paul VI Institute and would first try working with my body to see if there was something happening with my hormones that was throwing me out of whack. Then, if the hormone therapy didn’t work, we could look into the possibility of a chemical imbalance and pursue antidepressant treatment. I just didn’t want antidepressants to be my first step in case it was something else. Using the Creighton Model in our marriage taught me what a significant impact our hormones place on our day-to-day living.
We talked about how life couldn’t continue as it had, but I still wasn’t sold that I had post-partum depression. Harry was 4 months old. I thought, “Doesn’t post-partum depression only happen during a short window after delivery? Maybe this is just straight-up depression.”
We talked more about how I was feeling and what my days were like. The other main reason I didn’t think it could be post-partum depression was that I wasn’t weepy. I assumed I had to be weepy, not wanting to have anything to do with my baby, and not wanting to get out of bed. That wasn’t me at all. If anything, I bonded with Harry much faster than I did with Jane and Walt. Since I didn’t nurse Jane or Walt more than a few weeks, breastfeeding helped to cement my bond with Harry quickly.
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| How could I be depressed? Look at that face! My life is so blessed! |
Instead of being weepy or wanting to stay in bed, my biggest symptom was extreme anger. Although I never feared that I would harm the kids or myself
, I couldn’t believe how quickly I could go from 0-60. The tiniest things would set me off. I could be making lunch and hear Jane knock over a tower that Walt had built. I would lose it. I would clap my hands together, yell, and physically carry her to a timeout. I felt like I could punch a hole through the dry wall with all of the anger and frustration. I felt like I was watching myself raise the children. In those moments, I would hear myself yelling while I thought, “Why are you doing this? Why are you yelling at the children? You’re a monster!” I knew something was terribly wrong when Jane added to the end of our prayer before lunch, “God, please help Mommy not to be so angry. Amen.”
I wasn’t engaged with anything we were doing. It had to be more than new mom exhaustion. Even though it’s a wild job taking care of three kiddos three and under and being married to a pediatric resident, the day-to-day shouldn’t have been bringing me to where I was–the depths of despair. I woke up every morning and thought, “How am I going to do this? God, help me. Just help me to make it to the end of the day.” Harry is a fantastic sleeper, so lack of sleep couldn’t explain the extreme exhaustion I felt. I felt like I was drowning. I felt like no matter how much I did each day, it was never enough, and I never felt like what I did was good enough.
When it came to my relationship with Philip, I was sick of our routine of fighting at the end of each day. When Philip asked me if I thought I had post-partum depression, I realized why things had been so bad between us. I spent all of my energy trying to keep it all together for the kids during the day, and by the time he got home, I had nothing left to give. I interpreted every comment he made as a criticism. I nit-picked every helpful thing I saw him doing. When he asked me how my day was, I either responded with a laundry list of every thing that went wrong or a one word, “awful.” I resisted or brushed off his attempts to be affectionate. In turn, the combination of all of my behaviors made Philip cold and distant, always walking on eggshells to avoid a blowup. It became a vicious cycle, each of us mirroring the other’s behavior, continuing to fuel each other’s frustration.
Fortunately, Philip was brave enough to ask the tough question.
That night on the couch, I told Philip between sobs, “I hate who I am. I want to be me again. I’m sorry for being a bad wife. I’m sorry for being a bad mother. Let’s make the appointment tomorrow.”
Philip assured me that I was a great wife and mother and that he would do everything he could to help us get back to normal. After we hugged, I said, “I am so relieved. I didn’t want to admit that something was wrong because I was so afraid that this was just the new normal. I felt so guilty because our life is so blessed. We have a great marriage, this beautiful home, our beautiful children, our family, our health, but I still feel like none of it matters. Hearing you say that what’s been going on could be because of a medical condition is actually a relief. I am ready to get on with life and start enjoying it again.”
A few days later, I was pulling up to Sancta Familia to say, “I think I might have post-partum depression.”
* * *
I’ll pick up next time with my appointment at Sancta Familila. I’ll talk about my treatment plan, the ups and downs, and what things are looking like lately. In the meantime, all of your prayers and support are greatly appreciated.
![The Cross of Infertility With Amanda Teixeira (Part 4 of 4)]()
by Catherine | Dec 30, 2013 | Everything Else, Faith, Marriage
If you’re just stumbling upon this series, please do yourself a favor, and read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. In Part 1, I introduced the series, and my dear friend, Amanda Teixeira, stole the show with her captivating love story with her husband, Jonathan. In Part 2, Amanda helped us to understand what infertility feels like. In Part 3, Amanda shared what NOT to do or say when a loved one is facing infertility.
In Part 4, Amanda gives us ideas how TO support a loved one facing infertility. We also discussed how faith plays in to all of this, how Amanda and Jonathan support one another, the best ways for friends with children to support them, resources for couples facing infertility, and Amanda’s closing thoughts.
Just like in Parts 1-3, my questions appear in red italics, and Amanda’s responses appear in regular type.
* * *
Part 4 of The Cross of Infertility
How TO Support a Loved One Facing Infertility
What are some of the most helpful and healing things others have said or done? What made these gestures so moving?
1. Praying for and with us.
We know many people have actually prayed novenas with and for us. Others have offered Masses and told us. Still others have included us on their pilgrimages to holy sites or brought us blessed religious articles from different places across the world. These are really comforting to us. These gestures make us feel like we aren’t alone. Others are physically helping us carry the cross in these actions.
2. Inviting us over and opening their lives to us.
Several other couples who struggle with infertility have taken us under their wings. I always walk away from those convos refreshed and ready to keep carrying the cross.
Even fertile couples inviting us over to actually join them in their lives is incredibly healing for us. We get to be around a family and the realities of what it’s like to have kids around. This never makes us jealous or sad. We just enjoy feeling welcomed into the life of others’ families and it helps Jonathan and I feel more like a family even if it’s just us two. It also gives us hope of what might be in store for us someday.
3. Asking us how they can help
.
This really takes boldness, and I really appreciate it when a friend asks this. Infertility is like being on the cross with Jesus. I am totally linked to him. I am well aware that we are asking a LOT of our friends and family to be near us in the struggle. It’s like when Jesus was on the cross – only Mary, John, and a few women stood nearby. It took tremendous amounts of courage to stay by Jesus on the cross and in turn, it takes a lot of courage to ask people to stand with us while we hang on the cross. Most people won’t have the emotional ability to stay with us, and I know that. But those willing to try and stick near us…I treasure with all my heart because they are far and few between.
4. Sending us notes/gifts/gift cards to go have fun with.
We’ve had people send us groupons or gift cards to go out to eat or to grab coffee. Yes, we’re busy with work and some outside of work activities but yea, we have time on our hands. Time I all too often resent. When family/friends intentionally step in the gap and try to help me enjoy the time, I am thankful.
Once, I even got flowers with an encouraging message on a day I had some particularly difficult blood tests that a friend knew about. I can’t tell you how loved I felt in that moment.
5. Asking us how we are doing.
There is a difference between really asking this and just being nosy. Everyone knows the difference. The sincere asks are refreshing to me. If I don’t feel like answering, I will let you know. More often than not, I am carrying this burden alone with Jonathan and just praying someone will ask me how I am really doing. It’s healthy for me to vent from time to time and open up to people who really care about me. I appreciate sincere people wanting to know how I am doing, especially because I feel awkward bringing this topic up because I don’t want to burden others.
One of the questions pregnant gals get ALL THE TIME is “how are you feeling?” I’ve never been pregnant, but in FOCUS I am surrounded by pregnant women EVERYWHERE, and so I hear it a lot. For the infertile girl, this question is hard and awkward and most people don’t ask because they simply can’t handle the suffering that will definitely come forth…which is why I am grateful for mature friends and family who willingly walk right into the hurt with me and open a door for me to share my heart.
Being faithful Catholics, how does God play a role in all of this for you and Jonathan? Do you distinguish between God’s ordained will and His permissive will in regards to your fertility?
This has been one of the hardest questions for us to struggle with honestly.
Questions that bounce through my mind: “Why would God, the author of all life, put a baby in the womb of a woman who will surely go abort it?” or “Why would God put a baby in the womb of a woman whose family will abuse the child?” or even, “Since God hasn’t blessed us with life, does that mean he doesn’t want us to be parents or we would be bad parents?”
There are no answers when I throw these questions at God. Usually only silence. All I do know is that he doesn’t want any child aborted or abused, and he doesn’t want me to suffer and feel like he hates me. But that is all I know. My life is surrounded with dozens of unanswered questions, as many peoples lives are with a variety of sufferings they endure.
What are the best ways that you support Jonathan? What are the best ways that he supports you?
Best way to support Jonathan? To be attentive to spending time with him and verbally tell him how happy I am to be married to him/value him in my life. I mentioned previously that he sometimes fears I hate my life married to him without babies…so I have to reassure him of my affections despite my sadness.
Best ways he can support me? Taking me on adventures and helping me put my dreams into a reality. For example: I have been wanting to run a half-marathon lately. Jonathan is helping research races across the country in fun places like California or Florida so we can train together and have something to look forward to.
What are the best moves for friends with children to do?
Keep me in their lives. I think people with children are afraid to talk to me about their children in fear I will have a meltdown. If someone is bragging about their kids to me, yea, I will get annoyed, but so would anyone.
If a friend with children is simply sharing a hilarious story or wants to talk (without complaining) about how tough it is to be attentive to their older children while they battle sleepless nights with a newborn, I am all ears. That’s their reality, and I want to be a part of it, not shut out. I have the emotional maturity to be a good friend even if I am not blessed with kiddos myself.
Now, there may be seasons when I simply keep my own distance, and don’t think I hate you or anything. I am likely just grieving the most recent bad news (failed treatment, return of an infection, another negative pregnancy test, got 15 pregnancy announcements from other FOCUS women, etc.). I’ll be back. I just might not be able to accept your invitation to come over or attend that Baby Shower you are hosting for a friend.
What resources are available for couples facing infertility? What encouragement and support would you offer them?
3. Books.
4. Counseling.
5. Prayer, Spiritual Direction, and Confession.
I can’t stress this foundation enough. With infertility, daily prayer is vital to warding off despair. Spiritual direction will also keep you sane. And confession…it will be necessary use this Sacrament to dispel lies from the Devil you slip into believing.
OTHER THOUGHTS
I thought ending the series with something positive and uplifting would be best, since I feel like much of what I have to say is sad, confused, and bitter at times – which isn’t the whole of it. So I made up a question or you could weave what I have to say into the ending of the last blog post.
How have you grown in your relationship with God during this time?
Sometimes I feel like I haven’t. There are days I feel I am backsliding in my faith at best..I’ve actually cussed God out a time or two in my weakest moments. Pretty bad, right?
But then I look back on my faith from years ago. It was strong, yes, but it hadn’t been tested. Now, with infertility, I feel as if I’ve been through the fiery furnace only to be sent right back through it again every time another cycle starts. Yep, there are days my faith is hanging on by a string. But most days, a sense of abandonment, surrender, wonder and awe, trust, perspective, humility, and wisdom come over me.
I feel 110% dependent on God alone…mostly because I literally can’t DO anything to take my cross away. I know how weak I am and I quit trusting myself a long time ago with this cross. It’s all Him now. My life finds its identity in God because He’s the only One who can’t let me down. Everything else is passing to me. I long for heaven. I don’t care about my plans because His are better even if they don’t feel better right now.
Sometimes I think God gave me the cross of infertility to force me into total surrender because I never would have gotten there any other way. That makes me grateful. I’ve always prayed that my life would be about Him and bringing Him glory. That my life would look like His. I really believe infertility is an answered prayer (rarely!!!! but I do sometimes) because I don’t know if I would have been linked to Jesus through any other means. I get to be with him on the cross…and so it’s only a matter of time until he brings the resurrection into my life. What a sweet day that will be indeed.
* * *
Amanda, thank you so much for opening your heart and spilling out everything–your pain, your longing, your hope, and the truth about everything in between. Thank you for helping all of us reading to better understand how to love you and anyone we know carrying the cross of infertility. I am so proud to call you my dear friend. I pray that this blog series will help the rest of us unburden you from carrying this cross alone. You are a treasure!
![The Cross of Infertility With Amanda Teixeira (Part 3 of 4)]()
by Catherine | Dec 29, 2013 | Everything Else, Faith, Marriage
If you’re just stumbling upon this series, please do yourself a favor, and read Part 1 and Part 2 with Amanda Teixeira. In Part 1, I introduced the series, and Amanda stole the show with her captivating love story with her husband, Jonathan. In Part 2, Amanda helped us to understand what infertility feels like.
In Part 3, Amanda and I focus on how NOT to help a loved one facing infertility. We talked about the common ways people end up making their loved one feel worse by saying or doing the wrong thing. I imagine most people will find this segment very helpful. Amanda and I pray that our dialogue will be a source of blessing. I wanted to ask the hard questions, and Amanda wanted to answer them so that we can talk about what nobody seems to be talking about.
I hope Part 3 will be:
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a microphone for couples needing a different kind of support from their loved ones
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a safe haven where they will feel understood and supported
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an opportunity those of us not currently facing infertility to better understand how to be supportive
I am especially proud of Amanda for sharing her candid and heart-wrenching responses in this section. It would have been easy for her to only share the sweet and pious-sounding responses, but she took a risk in revealing the “snarky thoughts I usually keep to myself.” These are precisely the thoughts we all need to hear. The “snarky thoughts” reveal Amanda’s real pain and raw emotion. These heart-wrenching responses open the door to dialogue and understanding between infertile couples and their loved ones.
Just like in Parts 1 & 2, my questions appear in red italics, and Amanda’s responses appear in regular type.
* * *
Part 3 of The Cross of Infertility
What NOT to do or say when your loved one is facing infertility
What are some of the most hurtful or least helpful things you and Jonathan have been told? How do these comments make you feel, and what makes them so hurtful to hear?
In no particular order, we or friends with infertility, have gotten the following comments. I will provide brief explanations of why these can be hurtful…with some of
my own snarky thoughts I usually keep to myself.
1. If you just relax you will get pregnant.
Yea, been there and tried that. Now, I am stressed out with trying to relax. If only it was this simple, people! How about you pay for me to get weekly massages, pedis and manis, acupuncture, and yoga? The financial tag attached to “relaxing” is enough to cause a new wave of stress.
Or, how about I stay home all day and quit my job to focus on relaxing? Then, you will accuse me of being lazy. I can’t win!
2. If you stop traveling and had a more stable job you will get pregnant.
Really? Out of the 25 months of trying to conceive, I’ve traveled about half the months to some degree and almost never when it’s a “fertile-window.” Again, if it were THAT easy, I would stop traveling. And most likely you just don’t like my job and are trying to blame infertility on it, so I change my profession to something you prefer I do instead.
3. If you simply adopt you will get pregnant.
OK, well you can you join our missionary support team so we can pay for the $25,000 adoption price tag? If so, thank you!!! If not, shut up. Also, who are you…God? How do you know if we’ll ever get pregnant? Just because this all too talked about phenomena HAS occurred in the past with some friend’s cousin’s sister-in-law doesn’t mean it will happen to us. You’re setting me up for a false hope here that you really can’t guarantee.
Also, adopting is not an instant fix. It’s a calling in and of itself. I know infertile couples that end up feeling called to adopt, and that is awesome. I know some who do not receive that call. A child should never be adopted because you couldn’t have your own kids, so you settled for second best and bought a kid. It should be done because that child up for adoption is worth loving and you desire to be their parents, regardless of your fertility issues.
Thankfully,, Jonathan and I wanted to pursue adoption way before we ever got married. We love adoption, and even if we had 10 biological children, it’s something we wanted to pursue at some point. But adoption won’t fill the hurt of infertility, and to assume it would is naive. It will be its own unique blessing.
4. Have you tried IVF/IUI/dancing like a chicken in the yard while a full moon is out yet?
Some of the advice we get is from others whose values don’t align with ours. No, we aren’t open to IUI or IVF as Catholics who actually follow Church Teaching because we believe it’s for our good. Just because I am not willing to pursue those doesn’t mean I am not trying. Don’t treat us like we don’t “really” want kids if we don’t want to try artificial means of reproduction.
We also get advice from crazy people who heard about something that helped a couple get pregnant. If you are actually sincere and care about us, I will not be hurt by whatever it is. I will likely research it a bit and talk about it with my doctor. If you are trying to be nosy or talk about something you don’t really know anything about – again, shut up and don’t give me false hope in this “miracle” treatment you heard about working once for a couple in Indonesia.
5. Are you having sex?
SHOOT! We have to do that? That must be the reason! Thanks!
OK – dropping the sarcasm for a real response. This questions is nosey and demeaning. Of course we know where babies come from, you idiot. With infertility, it’s hard to have meaningful sex at times. It’s easy to get burned out and for our intimate lives to be filled with pressure, stress, perfect timing, etc. It can become utilitarian in all honesty, unless the couple really tries hard to keep it humorous and filled with intimacy. Pray for infertile couples to never lose the sense of communion in this most intimate act, regardless of whether they ever get to co-create a life with God.
6. If you stop working out so much you will get pregnant.
I still have a healthy body fat and get a monthly period. I don’t bench 200 lbs, run 10 miles a day, or take steroids to beef up. I am not over-working out.
7. If Jonathan stops using a laptop or carrying his phone in his pocket, you will get pregnant.
Again, if only if it were that easy. And his computer is on a desk anyway and his phone is always lost.
8. Be thankful for the time you have together now.
I am. But it’s also not the life we thought we would be living 2 years into married life, and that is hard to deal with.
I’ve gotten this comment most often from the “fertiles” who are busy raising kids of their own whom they conceived on their honeymoons/first year of marriage. I get it – they’re desiring more time with their spouse and have never really known married life without kiddos, which is hard. But it’s still hurtful. You fertiles are living the life I wish I had…and let’s face it, you wouldn’t trade your life to be infertile and in my shoes, and I know it.
9. Would you like to babysit my children to get your “kid-fix?”
Walk away before I hurt you.
10. Just surrender. When we stopped trying, that is when we got pregnant.
You are assuming I haven’t surrendered. Let’s be honest, I haven’t surrendered fully but this comment has spiritual entitlement all over it. As soon as I do the act of ___________ (insert surrender, pray this prayer, etc.), God will bless me with a child.
God will bless us with life when it’s His will. It won’t depend on me doing the right prayers, spiritual acts, or positive state of mind. Many women with infertility get pregnant while having never truly found peace with it. Some find peace with it and then get pregnant. It’s God’s timing and will never be dictated by me doing anything to force his hand. Is it possible he will give me the grace to surrender and then I will conceive? Maybe. It could also go a million other ways according to what His will is and I am just along for the ride each day.
11. I have the opposite problem. We can’t stop getting pregnant.
I know that can be a real cross too. I don’t want to belittle the stress that can bring to a marriage, but it’s just not the right comment to give me. Let me tell you how that comment feels:
I am stranded in a desert and on the brink of death from dehydration. You ride past on horseback, toting 100 gallons of water behind you. While you pass by, you complain about your assignment to tote all this water across the desert and how tiring it’s been. While it may truly be a cross to you at the moment, I can’t see anything but the 100 gallons of water and what that would mean to me in this state of deprivation.
Translation – I know you are struggling, but I can’t see anything but the sheer happiness in your family, and I am mad that you have it and aren’t appreciating it for the SHEER GIFT it is.
13. It just isn’t God’s will right now but it will happen.
You aren’t God. You don’t know. I don’t know. This very well may be a lifelong cross for us…we hope not, but it might be, and your assumptive comments, while attempting to be helpful, may be growing false hopes in my heart.
14. Have you tried this novena?
Probably. Again, if you have been through these waters or really care about us, thank you. I will look into it. If not and you’re just making small talk – stop, you really don’t need to.
15. What are your issues?
Yet again, if you are also struggling with infertility or actually care about us, I am happy to tell you/share stories/cry together/pray together.
If you are just a nosy person who likes to be “in the know” so you can gossip about our medical issues later…you better hope I never find out, or I will seriously give you a piece of my mind.
16. Who’s heard this one??? “Want to understand marriage? Think about the Trinity- God the Father loved the Son and the love between them was another person – the Holy Spirit. In marriage the same thing occurs. The husband gives himself to his wife and the love is so real that nine months later you have to give it a name.”
I understand there is deep symbolism here but as an infertile couple, all I hear is, “I am not a real married person since our sex lives don’t mirror the Trinity in bringing forth life.” Comments like this make me feel like we are simply animals acting out of instinct and less souls experiencing deep interpersonal communion, since our acts of intercourse are sterile.
17. Last but not least – “Then we became Catholic and the kids started coming, because that’s what happens when you are Catholic.”
I heard this one at work actually…while sitting at a table with other people battling infertility. I couldn’t feel more isolated and un-Catholic than in that moment.
What do you think are the common misconceptions people have about infertility?
I’ve covered a few above, but I think the biggest would be that adoption is the cure-all to any infertile couples situations. “Just adopt” is the mantra of advice people seem to throw out as soon as they heard about our infertility. They assume that it will solve all our problems. I don’t think people know how intense and hard adoption can be in and of itself. If they did, they likely wouldn’t be throwing it out like it’s some simple fix to our shattered dreams.
Within your own relationship, I am sure you and Jonathan had to figure out the best ways to support one another. What did you learn were the worst things you could do or say to each other?
In the beginning, Jonathan was the one to say, “It’ll happen,” and then another month would pass by without a pregnancy. This began to eat away at me because it felt like a string of broken promises. We’ve since accepted that we don’t know the will of God. We hope it will be for us to be parents, but we simply don’t know. Jonathan sticks with, “God’s will is for our good. Never to harm us. If he gave us His own Son, why would he forget us now?” Statements we can actually cling to with firm hope, despite if we ever have children.
I used to say things like, “You don’t even care about this!” because he never cried about infertility or thought about it like I did. Now, I know he does care, but it looks different, and I’ve stopped accusing him of being a heartless husband or leaving me to shoulder the entire burden.
I imagine there is some tension in some of your relationships with friends not struggling with fertility. What are the worst moves for friends with children to do?
We just don’t get invited to much. All the families with kids invite other families with kids to come hang out…so their kids can play. All the singles invite other singles to do things, assuming the married folks are busy. The pool of friends willing to hang out with us consistently is newly married couples without kids…and as each year passes, this group shrinks since those couples start having kids. This hurts, but we assume that no one is trying to leave us out, it just naturally happens.
Worst moves for friends with kids – COMPLAINING!!!! I think complaining is something we all should nix from our lives in general, but I can’t stand pregnant women or women with kids complaining. Women complain (particularily on Facebook) left and right about their kids spilling this, having a diaper blow-out, kids fighting at the store, them not being able to get anything done since their kid doesn’t nap…etc. I would amputate my left leg IF ONLY I could be inconvencied by a child. Those are all my fantasies! Can’t you see that these “obstacles” are linked to little miracles? Please, don’t complain about the biggest gift you’ve ever been given in your whole entire life! Treasure it, and zip your lips when you are tempted to complain.
* * *
I know Amanda was nervous to share her responses, but I am so glad she did. I imagine a lot of you are either thinking, “Wow, I’ve so been there,” or, “Wow, I had no idea.” Either way, I imagine Amanda’s responses are a tremendous blessing.
In Part 4 of The Cross of Infertility, Amanda and I wanted to end on a high note. We wanted the readers to know the depth and reality of Amanda’s pain, but we also wanted them to know that life is not all doom and gloom for her. We will focus on how to encourage and lift up a couple experiencing infertility. Amanda will share resources, encouragement, and final thoughts on her journey.
Specifically, Amanda will answer these questions:
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What are some of the most helpful and healing things others have said or done? What made these gestures so moving?
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Being faithful Catholics, how does God play a role in all of this for you and Jonathan? Do you distinguish between God’s ordained will and His permissive will in regards to your fertility?
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What are the best ways that you support Jonathan? What are the best ways that he supports you?
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What are the best moves for friends with children to do?
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What resources are available for couples facing infertility? What encouragement and support would you offer them?
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How have you grown in your relationship with God in this time?
I hope you will join us tomorrow for Part 4!
![The Cross of Infertility With Amanda Teixeira (Part 2 of 4)]()
by Catherine | Dec 28, 2013 | Everything Else, Faith, Marriage
If you’re just stumbling upon this series, please do yourself a favor, and read Part 1 of The Cross of Infertility With Amanda Teixeira. In Part 1, I introduced the series, and Amanda stole the show with her captivating love story with her husband, Jonathan. We got to hear all the good stuff! I want you to get a glimpse into my beautiful friend’s life before you read on, so please read Part 1 if you haven’t already. I am so humbled and honored that Amanda is sharing her story with us!
In Part 2 of The Cross of Infertility, Amanda will help us to understand what infertility feels like. My questions appear in red italics, and Amanda’s responses appear in regular type.
* * *
Part 2 of The Cross of Infertility
Understanding How Infertility Feels
When did you start to think that infertility might be a possibility?
I became a patient at the Pope Paul VI Institute while I was still single and in college. I ended up having surgery to correct some issues with Endometriosis and PCOS. I started a variety of medications to help with severe PMS. It all helped with my quality of life tremendously. With that said, I pretty much knew what I was up against going into marriage. Yet, I was still hopeful.
Our wedding day was my “day of ovulation” according to my Creighton chart. On our 10-day long honeymoon, I even stopped drinking alcohol at our all-inclusive, because of course, I was likely pregnant. I even felt pain in my abdomen which I took to be “implantation pain.” Two weeks later, I got my period, and I didn’t get to join the “pregnant-on-my-honeymoon-Catholic-club.” I knew in my gut we were in for a very long ride ahead. And then I was pissed that I missed out on drinking those delicious mixed drinks while sitting ocean-side for nothing. Oh, and months later I found out that pain that I thought was a baby was actually a giant cyst growing on my ovary that had to be removed by surgery.
What does it feel like as a woman to be told that you are infertile? How do you think what you are feeling is different than what Jonathan is feeling?
Well at this point in the game, we aren’t 100% positive that all our issues lie with my health. Jonathan has some issues of his own, so we are a bit unique in that sense. This quote has been powerful for me in summarizing how I feel so often:
“…Part of the pain of infertility, however, is that it is an invisible sign. The physical and spiritual suffering caused by infertility is usually hidden. To use an analogy, the generosity of the couple who chooses to have a large family is like a brightly burning sun whose beams produce beautiful flowers that everyone can see and admire. While their love might shine just as brightly, the infertile family has no flowers of its own. Yet, as Fulton Sheen perceives: ‘There is no sign unless something happens contrary to nature. The brightness of the sun is no sign, but an eclipse is.'”
I’ve never been told I am “infertile” since my Doctor really believes we have a shot and it just hasn’t happened yet…but I coin myself as infertile. I mean it’s been 25 months since we’ve gotten married and we’ve been open to life the whole time. I don’t know what else to call it but infertility. I feel like a big fat failure. A loser. A let-down to the Church. A fake married woman.
Jonathan feels none of that. He’s hopeful. He’s tremendously trusting of God’s will. I am tremendously suspicious, manipulating, doubtful, and hateful. This has been hard to reconcile for us. I can’t see how he can be happy or content with our life. He can’t see how I don’t re-focus on other blessings. He can’t see why a child matters SO much to me. Of course he wants kids, but they aren’t as intrinsically tied to his identity as it is mine, being a woman, made by God to welcome, bear, and nurture life.
To sum it up – I have felt like I will never be happy in life as long as we’re infertile. Jonathan feels sad but it doesn’t take over his life like it does mine.
How did your background in nursing and knowledge of NaProTechnology play into your journey?
I mentioned previously I had already been a Napro patient and knew what I was up against. This was good in the sense I had treatments readily available and knew what we were fighting from day 1. I am glad we didn’t have to spend years getting treatment from all the quacks out there in Reproductive Health. I know many other couples have to run that gauntlet before getting to Napro, and I am thankful we didn’t.
Do you think there was a day when you accepted infertility as an official diagnosis? How can a doctor come to an official diagnosis of infertility? Is it still a day-to-day journey?
I think after taking the 4th or 5th pregnancy test during the first few months of married life and seeing them ALL come back negative, I accepted we were infertile. Actually, I think the word “accept” is something I still haven’t done. I identify as being infertile but accepting to me means coming to terms with or some level of peace. That’s fleeting for me. Most of the time I am rejecting that as God’s will for us, kicking and screaming, being depressing, sad, borderline desparing, etc. I have a while to go I think before I “accept” it.
Our Doctor has never labeled us as “infertiles.” She still believes we have like a 50% chance at becoming pregnant. I look at that stat and choose to think we will probably be the 50% that never get pregnant. Infertility has brought out my pessimism in full throttle. But to come to our current diagnoses, I’ve had 3 surgeries, many ultrasounds, dozens of blood draws and lab tests, and a series of hormone profiles. Jonathan has had a few tests of his own. That’s how they gathered the medical evidence to give us our current diagnoses:
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Endometriosis
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PCOS
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Insulin-resistance
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Bicornuate Uterus
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Endo
mitritis
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Low post-peak estrogen and progesterone
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Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome
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Low T3 levels
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Adrenal Fatigue
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Viscosity issues and a Varicocele (Jonathan)
I am convinced that Satan’s #1 target is the family, and I am sure infertility puts major stress on a marriage. How has infertility impacted your relationship with Jonathan? How do you prevent infertility from defining your marriage?
As mentioned earlier, we are both reacting to infertility very differently. Many days Jonathan’s positive attitude just pisses me off. I need to see that he hurts too. It was then that I discovered that it does hurt him…just not to the core like it does me. What makes him cry is seeing me hurt so badly and being able to do absolutely nothing about it but beg God for a miracle only to see the miracle never come and my pain grow as the months pass us by.
Infertility has certainly been a cause for fights in our marriage, and I totally see how Satan has attempted to use it to drive a wedge between us to make us grow away from one another. There have been times that Jonathan didn’t feel like he was “enough” simply being a loving husband. That I only loved him if it meant he could give me a baby, or something crazy like that. Thankfully God has poured out his grace and used infertility to bring us closer to one another. We pray every single day about it and have a plethora of devotions to many saints to carry us through this together.
We have a lot of sadness but more often than not, we maintain a spirit of humour in the midst of it all and that has been life-saving for our marriage.
What were your conceptions of infertility before being in these shoes yourself? Did anything change?
Honestly, I knew infertility was really hard and I’ve always had compassion for those going through it. Of course, I couldn’t fully grasp what it was like to live it. I guess I used to naively think things like “Oh, Naprotechnology will fix ANYTHING, so these friends will eventually get pregnant if they simply use it.” or “They can just adopt, right? Then it will all be OK.” Now I understand it and know better.
* * *
Amanda’s last lines are a perfect segway to Part 3 of The Cross of Infertility. In Part 3, Amanda and I will discuss what NOT to say to your loved one experiencing infertility. I love this section of the series. Not only does Amanda identify the insensitive things people often say, but she explains why the things people say are hurtful.
In Part 3, Amanda answers these questions:
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What are some of the most hurtful or least helpful things you and Jonathan have been told? How do these comments make you feel, and what makes them so hurtful to hear?
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What do you think are the common misconceptions people have about infertility?
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Within your own relationship, I am sure you and Jonathan had to figure out the best ways to support one another. What did you learn were the worst things you could do or say to each other?
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I imagine there is some tension in some of your relationships with friends not struggling with fertility. What are the worst moves for friends with children to do?
Come back tomorrow to read Amanda’s powerful responses!
![The Cross of Infertility With Amanda Teixeira (Part 1 of 4)]()
by Catherine | Dec 27, 2013 | Everything Else, Faith, Marriage
Part 1 of The Cross of Infertility
Introducing The Series & My Dear Friend, Amanda
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| Amanda & her husband, Jonathan |
I imagine we all know someone suffering with the cross of infertility in their marriage. My longtime dear friend, Amanda Teixeira, recently decided to write about the cross of infertility on her blog, TRUEGOODANDBEAUTIFUL. I am so proud of Amanda for opening up about their challenges and for showing the rest of us how to carry a cross gracefully.
After I read Amanda’s blog, I felt God putting it on my heart to ask her if she might be willing to share a little more. I reached out and asked Amanda if she would be willing to do a 4-part series on the cross of infertility. Selfishly, I wanted to do this series so that I could learn how to be a better support for my loved ones who have experienced, are experiencing, or will experience infertility. Who knows, maybe down the road Philip and I will join the couples experiencing secondary infertility.
I told Amanda that I experienced a lot of awkwardness after we miscarried Thérése. Our loved ones sometimes just didn’t know what to do or say, and some people stayed away for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. I imagined people suffering anything, including infertility, experience the same awkwardness.
Amanda and I decided we’d do an e-mail interview to discuss the questions most people aren’t asking their friends facing infertility. We want this to be an opportunity to bless both those facing infertility and the people who love them. We want this series to be a source of blessing for the infertile couples needing a microphone and their loved ones that don’t know what to say or do.
Here’s a road map of what our 4-part series on infertility will look like:
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Introducing the series and Amanda (& Jonathan!)
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Understanding how infertility feels
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What NOT to do when your loved one is facing infertility
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How to encourage and lift up a couple facing infertility. Encouragement and resources from Amanda.
From here on out, my questions will be in red italics, and Amanda’s responses will be in regular type.
Please introduce yourself! Give our readers the beautiful abridged history of your relationship with Jonathan up t
o present day. Give us the good stuff–how you met, dating, engagement, marriage, what you two have done and are doing for a living, hobbies, interests, etc.
Hello! We are Jonathan and Amanda Teixeira. We are both missionaries with FOCUS – Fellowship of Catholic University Students. Amanda hails from Nebraska, and Jonathan grew up in Pennsylvania. Currently, we reside in Denver, Colorado as we tackle different projects with FOCUS out of the Support Center. We are opposite in personalities and like to joke that Amanda “makes our life happen” and Jonathan “makes our life fun.” For as different as we are in temperament, we have many similar interests – Jesus and His Church, outdoor adventures, watching great movies, learning to cook, playing with animals, traveling, reading, all things Dave Ramsey, and all sorts of games.
Before diving into the main topic of this blog series, here is a brief introduction to our Love Story!
Jonathan and I met during the summer of 2008 at our first FOCUS New Staff Training in Belmont Abbey, North Carolina. We were fresh college graduates filled with zeal, excitement, and fear as we entered into missionary life. My very first impression of Jonathan was that he looked sketchy. His hair was longer than mine…down to his elbows to be exact. Immediately he was filed into the “friend” category. My second impression was while walking to our first fundraising class. I came prepared and ready to get. to. work. I was serious about this…aka seriously stressed out. As I am marching along to class, here came Jonathan…blaring “Money, Money, Money” from his laptop propped on his shoulder like a boom-box as he danced down the sidewalk. At that moment I was certain he was a complete goof-off who couldn’t take things seriously.
Despite the first impressions, Jonathan and I got to know one another through various FOCUS interactions over the years. He was always good for a laugh and some pleasant conversation, and that was the extent of our interactions, mostly in group settings.
Our 3rd year on staff we both ended up serving in leadership at FOCUS New Staff Training. Here, in a smaller group of people, we were able to have more one-on-one conversations. I overheard him praying to the Blessed Mother one evening, and that sealed my interest! His interest came after we saw a lightning bolt in the sky one night and both screamed at that same time about how cool it was. Over the next couple weeks we both kept trying to join activities the other was participating in. I jumped into a soccer game he happened to be going to. He jumped into a rafting excursion I was going on. Finally, one evening Jonathan walked up and requested we go to ice cream together…just us…later that evening. I said “sure” and Jonathan proceeded to high five me and run away. I ate the fastest dinner of my life so I could go upstairs, celebrate with my roommates, and have them help me get prettied up.
We went out on ice cream that night and talked for hours. The following weeks were filled with late-night walks, dancing on rooftops, getting caught in the rain, random adventures, and hours of energetic conversations. By the end of June, we decided to officially start dating. He was going to live in NYC, and I was living in Champaign, IL but we wanted to give it a chance.
We spent that year trading off visiting one another on a monthly basis. Dating in NYC was a blast! We saw shows, had the most random encounters with people, drank wonderful coffee, ran on the Highline, and visited dozens of beautiful Churches. In Champaign, we had good ole Midwestern fun with great people. We drank beers on rooftops, ate amazing Chicago deep dish pizza, and played in the snow. We visited one another’s families in Nebraska and Pennsylvania. We fell in love that year and on April 21, 2011 we got engaged.
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| Photo from Amanda & Jonathan’s engagement photo shoot |
Our engagement was 6 months and seriously a whirlwind. We entered a wedding contest with WOWT Channel 6 in Omaha, NE. There isn’t time to go into the craziness of that contest but it was a WILD RIDE.. When all was said
and done, we won the dang thing, thanks to amazing friends and family! Again, we were at yet another FOCUS New Staff Training, and I spent my life in complete chaos that summer as I kept up with the schedule and planning a wedding long distance. We ended up having 2 weeks in Omaha to more or less plan EVERYTHING. It was the only 2 weeks I could actually plan the wedding in Omaha. God bless my mother for carrying a seriously heavy load of the wedding planning.
Jonathan moved to Champaign, IL and joined our FOCUS team at University of Illinois that Fall. A month before our wedding, the Alpha Phi House Mother at U of I went on a European vacation…so as Chapter Advisor I moved into the house to serve as the interim House Mother. As if I didn’t have enough on my plate! Then we found a townhouse to live in, but the move in date happened to be the same exact weekend Jonathan was a groomsman in another wedding that happened to be in California. So, I moved our stuff by myself. That month was a hot mess to say the least. On a highlight, we were consistently working out with Shaun T’s Insanity, so we looked really good and were in the best shape of our lives.
Finally, it was time to get hitched! We got to Omaha a few days prior to the wedding, and Jonathan locked himself in the basement building a kneeler for our wedding and spending 17 hours designing our wedding program. I ran around Omaha getting all the last minute details wrapped up and dealing with our SCAM ARTIST wedding dress lady. Another long story we don’t have time to delve into. On Saturday, October 22, 2011 we got married at Mary Our Queen Church in Omaha, NE. The day was rainy but it didn’t matter – our hearts were full and we were surrounded by 400 beloved family and friends.
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| Amanda & Jonathan’s wedding day |
The next morning we stupidly decided to fly out for our Honeymoon at 10am – which meant we needed to attend a 7am Mass in town. Don’t do this. Ever. The early flight thing, not the going to Mass on Sunday thing. Sleeeeeep in after your wedding. You will need it. We got on the flight, red-eyed and crazed with sleep deprivation accumulating from weeks on end but we were married by golly. We had our honeymoon in Cancun Mexico, and it was amazing. It was filled with stories that still make us laugh today and some seriously wild adventures since we were joined by a HURRICANE the night we landed, but again, we were married and that is all that mattered. We were committed to having a great time despite the circumstances. Little did we know what emotional hurricanes awaited us in the months to follow.
* * *
If THAT doesn’t keep ya hooked, I don’t know what will!
Tomorrow, I will share Part 2 of our 4-Part series on The Cross of Infertility. Part 2 will help you to understand how infertility feels. Amanda answers these questions:
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When did you start to think that infertility might be a possibility?
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What does it feel like as a woman to be told that you are infertile? How do you think what you are feeling is different than what Jonathan is feeling?
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How did your background in nursing and knowledge of NaPro Technology play in to your journey?
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Do you think there was a day when you accepted infertility as an official diagnosis? How can a doctor come to an official diagnosis of infertility? Is it still a day-to-day journey?
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I am convinced that the devil’s #1 target is the family, and I am sure infertility puts major stress on a marriage. How has infertility impacted your relationship with Jonathan? How do you prevent infertility from defining your marriage?
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What were your conceptions of infertility before being in these shoes yourself? Did anything change?
Come back tomorrow to read Amanda’s answers. You won’t want to miss it!
![Happiness Project: November Resolutions Progress Report]()
by Catherine | Nov 15, 2013 | Faith, Family, Marriage
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, read about Our Happiness Project.
Here’s Our November Happiness Project Resolutions Progress Report:
October Resolutions Update
- Exercise
- We both completely fell off the bandwagon with this resolution. I’ve been battling a sore throat for a few weeks, and Philip’s work schedule has been crazy. We’re hoping to find a solution and get into a habit before the Christmas season is upon us.
- Sleep
- We are in bed and almost always have the lights out by 10:30
- Faith
- The nightly family decade of the Rosary & nighttime prayers around the dinner table is a well-established part of our routine
November Resolutions Update
- Couple prayer time right when we go to bed
- We are reading Day by Day With the Catechism by Peter A. Giersch. It’s a great little book with a daily excerpt from the Catechism followed by a reflection. This book has been a great way for us to get our feet wet with couple prayer time. After Philip reads the daily excerpt and reflection, he leads us in impromptu prayer followed by a Hail Mary or Our Father. I follow with some impromptu prayer of my own and close with a Hail Mary or Our Father (whichever one we didn’t pray after Philip’s prayer). Having this dedicated prayer time together before bed is helping us to grow in intimacy and learn more about what is on each other’s hearts.
2. “You can do anything for 15 minutes.” Work for 15 minutes daily on these 4 things
- 1 Shutterfly album
- I’ve had a few technological difficulties in getting our 2012 photos back on to the computer, and I’ve spent most of my time so far just figuring out how to work the program. I’m slowly making my way through our 2012 pictures. I probably won’t have the album ready to order by 11/30.
- Add & edit recipes to Paprika (recipe organizing app)
- I have all of my miscellaneous computer files on Paprika, and I’m halfway through my random Excel doc of recipes.
- Return/Draft E-mails
- I’m learning to stop letting “the perfect be the enemy of the good.” My mentality used to be that I wouldn’t bother writing an e-mail if it couldn’t be a real update. Now, I’m slooooooooowly learning that a quick check-in e-mail is better than nothing. I love having little correspondence with faraway friends and my mother-in-law throughout the week. Seeing their sweet notes in my inbox are such a pick-me-up.
- Decide one & prepare activity to do with the kids for the next day
- We have quite the arsenal of activities, and we’ve been having a great time!
3. Do at least 1 of the following activities daily with the kids, and do each at least once a week:
- Craft
- baking
- library
- outing
- play date
- enrichment/homeschool-esque activity
- write letters
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| Zacchaeus craft (trace hand and arm on brown paper, glue to blue paper, make leaves with thumbprints, and glue Zacchaeus in the tree). Walt abandoned this one to play with trains. |
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| “M” is for Mouse. Walt also abandoned this one! |
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| Coloring |
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| “1, 2, buckle my shoe…” (I put the printables into a file here) |
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| Playing dress-up on a play date. Walt didn’t want his photo taken while he was playing with (surprise!) trains. |
We’ve only gone to the library once this month. We delayed that trip since we had such great books still out on loan. Now, we have 17 great books (most of them about numbers since that’s what we’re working on) that we read over and over and over again! We have done plenty of crafts and homeschool-esque activities as well as outings and play dates, but we still need to write letters and do some baking. Perhaps some cupcakes are in our future this afternoon.
4. Family thankfulness
- It wasn’t working to record what we were thankful for at dinner since that was such a chaotic time. Instead, we’ve been recording what we’re thankful for on looseleaf before our family prayer time, and I store the paper in our Family Prayer Binder. We’ve missed a few nights, but having it right before family prayer time helps us to remember.
5. Budget
- Hasn’t happened yet and needs to before we start holiday shopping!
6. Will
7. Philip’s Resolutions (I’ll rewrite them here, but I won’t evaluate them for him. If I had to guess, I think he’d say that it’s been a wild month at work and that he hasn’t done as well as he’d like, but he’s made a great effort!)
- Eat four salads a week for lunch
- Do 10 pediatrics boards questions a day
- Put away all electronics from dinnertime to kids’ bedtime (for both of us)
- Read 1-2-3 Discipline book
Sum It Up
We’ve completely tanked on a few resolutions this month (exercise, budget, will, letter writing), but we’ve done pretty well on most (“you can do anything for 15 minutes,” variety of activities with the kids), and even nearly mastered some (family prayer time, sleep by 10:30, couple prayer time, and family thankfulness).
We are still enjoying our Happiness Project. I think it is bringing more positive structure and purpose to our days since we are trying to reach all of our resolutions. Even though it’s been a rotten month in terms of Philip’s wild work schedule, the month is flying by and has been relatively peaceful. I attribute that to our improved prayer life and our well-structured days. Everyone is more well-rested, we are spending more quality time together without electronics, and I am choosing family time over housework.
I am so grateful for my devoted husband who is working doggedly at my side to make these changes for the good! Here’s to a successful end of the month to our Happiness Project!
