![Life's Too Short for Mommy Guilt]()
by Catherine | May 30, 2014 | Everything Else, Family, Marriage
Jim Gaffigan is right. It is amazing that mothers have anyone to talk to! He lays out his brilliant case in Dad is Fat:
“Motherhood is filled with executive decisions, and with each decision comes possible conflict with kids, husbands, and other mom friends. With these other mom friends, there are so many opportunities for major disagreements and awkwardness. Let’s say that a woman starts with twenty friends when she finds out she’s pregnant. There is going to be awkwardness with, let’s say, six of those friends because they have no interest in babies or are jealous she is pregnant. Then four won’t agree with how she behaves during the pregnancy. She’s too uptight, too casual, or not available enough as a friend. We are down to ten friends. Then there are the decisions of how the baby will be delivered, breastfeeding, circumcision, blanket or no blanket in the crib, and whether or not to return to work after the birth. These topics turn out to be more divisive than opinions about politics and religion. After a couple of kids, there might be one good friend left. And that friend is never available because she has too many kids herself. I’m amazed mothers have anyone to talk to. When a man finds out he’s going to be a father, it barely covers more than twenty seconds of a conversation with his male friends. ‘I heard you two are expecting! Congratu…Who do you think is the best quarterback in the fourth quarter?'”
Oi vey. As if motherhood weren’t tough enough, now we have the digital age intruding. Everyone has an opinion on every single itty bitty little facet of mothering. If you’re somehow connected to social media, someone will come along (if they haven’t already) and tell you how you’re doing it all wrong. The digital age makes it so much easier for the smug know-it-alls of the world to let you know that you’re an idiot. If we’re not careful, this tendency can bleed over into the world of mommy friends, and it can be downright toxic if we let it. The steady build-up of mommy guilt creates a crazy mama.
 |
| I don’t think she had mommy guilt. She had more important things to focus on. |
I’m still a rookie in the world of parenting, but I’ve learned to own one thing: life is too short for unnecessary mommy guilt. (Note: Guilt is a good thing. If we have a well-formed conscience, guilt is God’s way of setting off alarm bells to STOP whatever we’re doing because it’s bad for us. Unnecessary mommy guilt is the huge load of self-imposed guilt we have for not parenting the way someone else thinks we should.) I don’t parent the exact same way as my own mother, my sister and sisters-in-law, or my dear friends. Philip and I have figured out the brand of parenting that’s working for our family, and we keep reinventing things or making it up as we go. There will always be the people telling us that we’re doing it wrong or that we should rethink something. Of course, there will always be areas that I need to work on as a mom. So long as I’m human, there will be room for improvement. God, my conscience, and family do a bang up job filling me in on my shortcomings. Unless mommy advice is coming from the Holy Spirit or a sweet loved one with my family’s best interests genuinely at heart, we keep rolling with the punches.
I’m learning to own my role in this family. A big part of that is figuring out what makes me me–for better and for worse. That means spending a lot of time asking God to reveal my strengths, weaknesses, habits, vices, and virtues. It means humbly accepting my limitations and asking for an extra heap of grace on the days when my capacity to serve isn’t meeting my family’s needs. It also means seeking absolution in the confessional for all of my failings. Beyond that, letting go of unnecessary mommy guilt is one of the best things I’ve done for our family.
Everyone will have different versions of mommy guilt. Letting go of mommy guilt around here looks like this:
Naps
I love sleep. A good nap is more precious than gold for this lady! If the kids’ naptime rolls around, and I’m feeling like I’m not going to make it to dinner without losing my mind, I lay down. I may lose out on some valuable time to get some housework done, but the nap replaces the crazy lady with the short fuse with a happy mama. In my experience, the guilt associated with crazy lady with the short fuse is not worth the dusted family room. When my pillow beckons me, I give in.
Congratulating myself for breastfeeding all three babies (no matter how long)
I tried breastfeeding all three kids, and my record is 5 months with Harry. I plan to breastfeed any future kiddos we may be blessed with, and I’m still hopeful that I can make it longer with future babies, but I’m not going to breastfeed at the expense of my sanity or the peace of the whole fam. Yes, absolutely, breast is best, and breastfeeding moms are huge heroes in my book. However, I’ve learned that attaching breastfeeding to my self worth as a mom does more harm than good. Ironically, when I let go of all of that, I was able to breastfeed for the longest amount of time. Here’s to hoping we will be blessed with more babies and that breastfeeding goes swimmingly. If it doesn’t, I’ll remember that how I feed my babies is only one part of mothering.
Choosing Philip
This culture wants me to choose my kids over my husband, but I won’t because I know I can’t if I want our marriage to be in top form. In order for me to be a good mom, I choose to be a good wife first. No mommy guilt in this department means regular date nights, no kids allowed in our bed, a regular bedtime routine for everyone (remember, I love sleep!), and lots of making out. Lots and lots of making out.
Asking For and Accepting Forgiveness
When I screw up (ask the peanut gallery how often that happens), I’ve learned to both ask for forgiveness and accept it. I make it a regular point to ask the kids for forgiveness when I screw up–yelling, nagging, being too strict, the list goes on… Have you ever asked a 2-year-old for forgiveness and heard their sweet little voice say, “I forgive you, Mama”? The hard part is believing them when they say we’re forgiven and resolving to make a change.
There’s always the temptation when I leave the confessional after hearing the words of absolution to think, “Nah. I’m such a wretch. There’s no way God forgives me for that.” Stewing in guilt is a slap in the face to God who offers us His Divine Mercy. It’s some sort of twisted power trip that only ends up making me bitter for being a wretch. So, when I go to sleep, instead of stewing in whatever ways I screwed up as a mom that day, I believe in my kids’ words of forgiveness (even if they don’t completely understand how I screwed up), and I resolve to do better the next day–praying that God will give me a huge heap of grace to actually change. More often than not, I end up asking for forgiveness for the same things every single day. When I complained to a priest that I keep bringing the same things into the confessional over and over again, he said, “Well, I suppose it’s better than bringing in a bunch of new sins!”
Asking For and Accepting Help
The silly, younger me soldiered on through the tough times with so much as thinking of asking for help. “Only the weak do that! I’ve got this.” Silly, silly, silly me. Somehow, I thought accepting help from people offering it would be imposing on them. It wasn’t until I miscarried our baby, Thérése, that God taught me the great healing that comes when we allow others to be the Body of Christ to us. I realized it was healing for me to receive their love during that time, but I learned another thing. People love us, and they have a genuine need to show us that love. When we constantly shrug off their genuine offers to love us through loving acts of service, that’s not brave or admirable; it’s actually selfish. If we’re going through tough stuff, people want and need to help. (Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s such a thing as the intrusive sorta folks. I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about the dear woman in your parish who brought you that delicious home-cooked dinner after you had a baby or the neighbor who put a gorgeous planter of annuals on your front stoop after learning that your father died.) God made us body and soul, and it’s a good thing for us to exercise giving and receiving the spiritual and corporal works of mercy. The only reward for the self-appointed supermom who soldiers it alone day after day is exhaustion and self-pity.
 |
| How exhausted self-appointed supermom feels |
A writer over at Yahoo shared a story about how she was having one of those mornings with her kiddos. When another mom asked her what was wrong at school drop-off, she regaled her with the play-by-play of everything that had gone wrong that morning. The concerned friend kindly asked her how she could help. The author calls this offer of help the “‘nice’ mom gesture that kind of irks me.” I had to reread the article to make sure I understood correctly. Another mom saw her need for help, went out of her way to offer assistance, and the frazzled mom’s reaction was something like, “How DARE SHE think I can’t handle this!”
The old me was totally the indignant frazzled mom. The new me is still frazzled, but when there’s an offer of help on the table, I’m able to say, “YES! Please! I’d love some help!” What the old frazzled me didn’t get was that the moms who are offering their help aren’t doing it out of some charity for me. (Besides, even if they are, the good news is that I’m still getting help, right?! Joke’s on them!) In my experience, the mom friends who are the first to offer help are also willing to accept it. I learned that they accept their own limitations, empathize with another mom’s need for help, and strive to be good friends by giving and receiving. With the mommy yoke temporary lifted off of our shoulders every now and then, we come back refreshed and ready to pay it forward with the other mamas around them. If I knew the author of that article, I’d tell her to start accepting offers of help before they disappear. If we’re honest, we know that we could use some help every now and then. Besides, the people who love us need to be needed, and it’s good to let them love us!
Are You Ready to Let Go Of Mommy Guilt?
There is always going to be someone out there telling you or just making you feel like you’re a complete failure as a mother. Remember this: you have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors in that woman’s life. Besides, even if her life is as perfect as it looks from the outside, her family’s needs are not your family’s needs. So long as we’re honest with God about our shortcomings and are asking Him for the strength to keep giving it our all everyday, there’s nothing to fear, shame, or stew in. Look in the mirror, know that God entrusted your children’s souls to you, and that you are exactly the woman He is asking to faithfully form and guide them until you give them back. That’s all there is to it. No more com
paring or keeping score.
Allow the beautiful women you surround yourself with to build you up and be a blessing in your life. Build them up. Accept their help. Be generous in your offers to help them. Better yet, make your offers specific to your friend’s needs so that they’ll be less likely to turn them down. Remember that she’s best equipped to raise her family and you’re best equipped to raise yours. When you find those friends who are equally present for you during the rough patches and the good times, hold onto them tight. They’ll help you keep fighting the good fight and remind you to let go of unnecessary mommy guilt along the way. Listen to them. Believe them. Life’s too short for mommy guilt.
Go, play with your kids. Take breaks. Accept help. Give help. Keep romancing your husband, and make sure he’s #2 only to God. Your kids will thank you for it later. Ask your kids for forgiveness when you screw up (and you will), and be sure you actually accept their forgiveness. Pray for the grace to do better tomorrow. God won’t be outdone in generosity. With Him, all things are possible, and He’ll release you from all of that silly mommy guilt you’re hanging onto.
Mama Mary, pray for us!
![Life’s Too Short for Mommy Guilt]()
by Catherine | May 30, 2014 | Everything Else, Family, Marriage
Jim Gaffigan is right. It is amazing that mothers have anyone to talk to! He lays out his brilliant case in Dad is Fat:
“Motherhood is filled with executive decisions, and with each decision comes possible conflict with kids, husbands, and other mom friends. With these other mom friends, there are so many opportunities for major disagreements and awkwardness. Let’s say that a woman starts with twenty friends when she finds out she’s pregnant. There is going to be awkwardness with, let’s say, six of those friends because they have no interest in babies or are jealous she is pregnant. Then four won’t agree with how she behaves during the pregnancy. She’s too uptight, too casual, or not available enough as a friend. We are down to ten friends. Then there are the decisions of how the baby will be delivered, breastfeeding, circumcision, blanket or no blanket in the crib, and whether or not to return to work after the birth. These topics turn out to be more divisive than opinions about politics and religion. After a couple of kids, there might be one good friend left. And that friend is never available because she has too many kids herself. I’m amazed mothers have anyone to talk to. When a man finds out he’s going to be a father, it barely covers more than twenty seconds of a conversation with his male friends. ‘I heard you two are expecting! Congratu…Who do you think is the best quarterback in the fourth quarter?'”
Oi vey. As if motherhood weren’t tough enough, now we have the digital age intruding. Everyone has an opinion on every single itty bitty little facet of mothering. If you’re somehow connected to social media, someone will come along (if they haven’t already) and tell you how you’re doing it all wrong. The digital age makes it so much easier for the smug know-it-alls of the world to let you know that you’re an idiot. If we’re not careful, this tendency can bleed over into the world of mommy friends, and it can be downright toxic if we let it. The steady build-up of mommy guilt creates a crazy mama.
|
| I don’t think she had mommy guilt. She had more important things to focus on. |
I’m still a rookie in the world of parenting, but I’ve learned to own one thing: life is too short for unnecessary mommy guilt. (Note: Guilt is a good thing. If we have a well-formed conscience, guilt is God’s way of setting off alarm bells to STOP whatever we’re doing because it’s bad for us. Unnecessary mommy guilt is the huge load of self-imposed guilt we have for not parenting the way someone else thinks we should.) I don’t parent the exact same way as my own mother, my sister and sisters-in-law, or my dear friends. Philip and I have figured out the brand of parenting that’s working for our family, and we keep reinventing things or making it up as we go. There will always be the people telling us that we’re doing it wrong or that we should rethink something. Of course, there will always be areas that I need to work on as a mom. So long as I’m human, there will be room for improvement. God, my conscience, and family do a bang up job filling me in on my shortcomings. Unless mommy advice is coming from the Holy Spirit or a sweet loved one with my family’s best interests genuinely at heart, we keep rolling with the punches.
I’m learning to own my role in this family. A big part of that is figuring out what makes me me–for better and for worse. That means spending a lot of time asking God to reveal my strengths, weaknesses, habits, vices, and virtues. It means humbly accepting my limitations and asking for an extra heap of grace on the days when my capacity to serve isn’t meeting my family’s needs. It also means seeking absolution in the confessional for all of my failings. Beyond that, letting go of unnecessary mommy guilt is one of the best things I’ve done for our family.
Everyone will have different versions of mommy guilt. Letting go of mommy guilt around here looks like this:
Naps
I love sleep. A good nap is more precious than gold for this lady! If the kids’ naptime rolls around, and I’m feeling like I’m not going to make it to dinner without losing my mind, I lay down. I may lose out on some valuable time to get some housework done, but the nap replaces the crazy lady with the short fuse with a happy mama. In my experience, the guilt associated with crazy lady with the short fuse is not worth the dusted family room. When my pillow beckons me, I give in.
Congratulating myself for breastfeeding all three babies (no matter how long)
I tried breastfeeding all three kids, and my record is 5 months with Harry. I plan to breastfeed any future kiddos we may be blessed with, and I’m still hopeful that I can make it longer with future babies, but I’m not going to breastfeed at the expense of my sanity or the peace of the whole fam. Yes, absolutely, breast is best, and breastfeeding moms are huge heroes in my book. However, I’ve learned that attaching breastfeeding to my self worth as a mom does more harm than good. Ironically, when I let go of all of that, I was able to breastfeed for the longest amount of time. Here’s to hoping we will be blessed with more babies and that breastfeeding goes swimmingly. If it doesn’t, I’ll remember that how I feed my babies is only one part of mothering.
Choosing Philip
This culture wants me to choose my kids over my husband, but I won’t because I know I can’t if I want our marriage to be in top form. In order for me to be a good mom, I choose to be a good wife first. No mommy guilt in this department means regular date nights, no kids allowed in our bed, a regular bedtime routine for everyone (remember, I love sleep!), and lots of making out. Lots and lots of making out.
Asking For and Accepting Forgiveness
When I screw up (ask the peanut gallery how often that happens), I’ve learned to both ask for forgiveness and accept it. I make it a regular point to ask the kids for forgiveness when I screw up–yelling, nagging, being too strict, the list goes on… Have you ever asked a 2-year-old for forgiveness and heard their sweet little voice say, “I forgive you, Mama”? The hard part is believing them when they say we’re forgiven and resolving to make a change.
There’s always the temptation when I leave the confessional after hearing the words of absolution to think, “Nah. I’m such a wretch. There’s no way God forgives me for that.” Stewing in guilt is a slap in the face to God who offers us His Divine Mercy. It’s some sort of twisted power trip that only ends up making me bitter for being a wretch. So, when I go to sleep, instead of stewing in whatever ways I screwed up as a mom that day, I believe in my kids’ words of forgiveness (even if they don’t completely understand how I screwed up), and I resolve to do better the next day–praying that God will give me a huge heap of grace to actually change. More often than not, I end up asking for forgiveness for the same things every single day. When I complained to a priest that I keep bringing the same things into the confessional over and over again, he said, “Well, I suppose it’s better than bringing in a bunch of new sins!”
Asking For and Accepting Help
The silly, younger me soldiered on through the tough times with so much as thinking of asking for help. “Only the weak do that! I’ve got this.” Silly, silly, silly me. Somehow, I thought accepting help from people offering it would be imposing on them. It wasn’t until I miscarried our baby, Thérése, that God taught me the great healing that comes when we allow others to be the Body of Christ to us. I realized it was healing for me to receive their love during that time, but I learned another thing. People love us, and they have a genuine need to show us that love. When we constantly shrug off their genuine offers to love us through loving acts of service, that’s not brave or admirable; it’s actually selfish. If we’re going through tough stuff, people want and need to help. (Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s such a thing as the intrusive sorta folks. I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about the dear woman in your parish who brought you that delicious home-cooked dinner after you had a baby or the neighbor who put a gorgeous planter of annuals on your front stoop after learning that your father died.) God made us body and soul, and it’s a good thing for us to exercise giving and receiving the spiritual and corporal works of mercy. The only reward for the self-appointed supermom who soldiers it alone day after day is exhaustion and self-pity.
|
| How exhausted self-appointed supermom feels |
A writer over at Yahoo shared a story about how she was having one of those mornings with her kiddos. When another mom asked her what was wrong at school drop-off, she regaled her with the play-by-play of everything that had gone wrong that morning. The concerned friend kindly asked her how she could help. The author calls this offer of help the “‘nice’ mom gesture that kind of irks me.” I had to reread the article to make sure I understood correctly. Another mom saw her need for help, went out of her way to offer assistance, and the frazzled mom’s reaction was something like, “How DARE SHE think I can’t handle this!”
The old me was totally the indignant frazzled mom. The new me is still frazzled, but when there’s an offer of help on the table, I’m able to say, “YES! Please! I’d love some help!” What the old frazzled me didn’t get was that the moms who are offering their help aren’t doing it out of some charity for me. (Besides, even if they are, the good news is that I’m still getting help, right?! Joke’s on them!) In my experience, the mom friends who are the first to offer help are also willing to accept it. I learned that they accept their own limitations, empathize with another mom’s need for help, and strive to be good friends by giving and receiving. With the mommy yoke temporary lifted off of our shoulders every now and then, we come back refreshed and ready to pay it forward with the other mamas around them. If I knew the author of that article, I’d tell her to start accepting offers of help before they disappear. If we’re honest, we know that we could use some help every now and then. Besides, the people who love us need to be needed, and it’s good to let them love us!
Are You Ready to Let Go Of Mommy Guilt?
There is always going to be someone out there telling you or just making you feel like you’re a complete failure as a mother. Remember this: you have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors in that woman’s life. Besides, even if her life is as perfect as it looks from the outside, her family’s needs are not your family’s needs. So long as we’re honest with God about our shortcomings and are asking Him for the strength to keep giving it our all everyday, there’s nothing to fear, shame, or stew in. Look in the mirror, know that God entrusted your children’s souls to you, and that you are exactly the woman He is asking to faithfully form and guide them until you give them back. That’s all there is to it. No more comparing or keeping score.
Allow the beautiful women you surround yourself with to build you up and be a blessing in your life. Build them up. Accept their help. Be generous in your offers to help them. Better yet, make your offers specific to your friend’s needs so that they’ll be less likely to turn them down. Remember that she’s best equipped to raise her family and you’re best equipped to raise yours. When you find those friends who are equally present for you during the rough patches and the good times, hold onto them tight. They’ll help you keep fighting the good fight and remind you to let go of unnecessary mommy guilt along the way. Listen to them. Believe them. Life’s too short for mommy guilt.
Go, play with your kids. Take breaks. Accept help. Give help. Keep romancing your husband, and make sure he’s #2 only to God. Your kids will thank you for it later. Ask your kids for forgiveness when you screw up (and you will), and be sure you actually accept their forgiveness. Pray for the grace to do better tomorrow. God won’t be outdone in generosity. With Him, all things are possible, and He’ll release you from all of that silly mommy guilt you’re hanging onto.
Mama Mary, pray for us!
![The 3rd “P” in Our Rule of Life: Partner]()
by Catherine | Mar 3, 2014 | Marriage
If you have no idea what I’m writing about, I decided to create our own Boucher Family Rule of Life as part of my Lenten mission. It’s modeled after Holly Pierlot’s A Mother’s Rule of Life. In previous posts in this series, I’ve written about:
I’m resuming the series today with the 3rd “P”: Partner.
 |
| I love how our photographer captured this older couple walking toward us as we walked around downtown on our wedding day. I call it foreshadowing! |
When it comes to marriage, I keep coming back to these 2 quotes to help me form our Family Rule:
- “Marriage is meant to enable us to fulfill a mission–in this instance, a mission of service and love toward our spouse.” – Holly Pierlot, A Mother’s Rule of Life
- Love is “availability, acceptance, and help.” – Blessed Pope John Paul II
Keeping those two things in mind, Philip and I agree that these things need to be top priorities:
- Setting apart time each night to just be with each other and “check in”after the kids are in bed – give each other our complete attention, make our words
- Regular date nights (we swap babysitting with another couple so that we have at least one date night per month without having to pay for a sitter)
- At-home date night (Our at-home date night jar helps for inspiration!)
- Perform tiny acts of love whenever possible – make Philip’s coffee, make Philip’s lunch when he’s not eating hospital food next year (with a love note!), clean up after Philip or help finish an incomplete task without nagging or pointing out fault, fill up the car, prepare healthy snacks, suggest we see the action film instead of the rom-com on date night, etc.
- Work on my own faults and behaviors before trying to change his
- Keep the lines of communication open by “keeping short accounts” and checking in regularly, take a “time out” if we’re getting upset, choose our moments wisely, and no piling on previous hurts
- Couple prayer time before bed and sharing a holy hour (alternate who goes each week)
- Pray for one another during our individual prayer time and ask the other person to pray for specific intentions
- Remove obstacles to intimacy and regularly check in with each other (NFP helps us to make sure that this is a regular topic of conversation)
- Regularly answer Holly Pierlot’s questions during my weekly journaling & examination of conscience:
- Are you taking full responsibility with your husband in all spheres of your marriage?
- Is there any area you’re shirking?
- Is there any part of your marriage in which you’re being controlling?
- How can you change?
Questions for you:
- What did I forget on the topic of marriage?
- How do you keep the spark alive between yourself and your spouse?
- How do you date on a budget?
- What do you do to model healthy conflict resolution in front of your children? (We recently created some rules for ourselves in this area!)
- Do you have the habit of picking out your spouse’s faults on a regular basis? Do you do so in front of your children?
- In what specific ways can you change? How can you take on full responsibility or stop shirking in some areas? Do you need to learn how to let go?
* * *
This is my 7th of 7 posts in Jen Fulwiler’s “7 Days, 7 Posts” challenge. Come on over, join in the funk link-up, and read some great blogs!
![The 3rd "P" in Our Rule of Life: Partner]()
by Catherine | Mar 3, 2014 | Marriage
If you have no idea what I’m writing about, I decided to create our own Boucher Family Rule of Life as part of my Lenten mission. It’s modeled after Holly Pierlot’s A Mother’s Rule of Life. In previous posts in this series, I’ve written about:
I’m resuming the series today with the 3rd “P”: Partner.
|
| I love how our photographer captured this older couple walking toward us as we walked around downtown on our wedding day. I call it foreshadowing! |
When it comes to marriage, I keep coming back to these 2 quotes to help me form our Family Rule:
- “Marriage is meant to enable us to fulfill a mission–in this instance, a mission of service and love toward our spouse.” – Holly Pierlot, A Mother’s Rule of Life
- Love is “availability, acceptance, and help.” – Blessed Pope John Paul II
Keeping those two things in mind, Philip and I agree that these things need to be top priorities:
- Setting apart time each night to just be with each other and “check in”after the kids are in bed – give each other our complete attention, make our words
- Regular date nights (we swap babysitting with another couple so that we have at least one date night per month without having to pay for a sitter)
- At-home date night (Our at-home date night jar helps for inspiration!)
- Perform tiny acts of love whenever possible – make Philip’s coffee, make Philip’s lunch when he’s not eating hospital food next year (with a love note!), clean up after Philip or help finish an incomplete task without nagging or pointing out fault, fill up the car, prepare healthy snacks, suggest we see the action film instead of the rom-com on date night, etc.
- Work on my own faults and behaviors before trying to change his
- Keep the lines of communication open by “keeping short accounts” and checking in regularly, take a “time out” if we’re getting upset, choose our moments wisely, and no piling on previous hurts
- Couple prayer time before bed and sharing a holy hour (alternate who goes each week)
- Pray for one another during our individual prayer time and ask the other person to pray for specific intentions
- Remove obstacles to intimacy and regularly check in with each other (NFP helps us to make sure that this is a regular topic of conversation)
- Regularly answer Holly Pierlot’s questions during my weekly journaling & examination of conscience:
- Are you taking full responsibility with your husband in all spheres of your marriage?
- Is there any area you’re shirking?
- Is there any part of your marriage in which you’re being controlling?
- How can you change?
Questions for you:
- What did I forget on the topic of marriage?
- How do you keep the spark alive between yourself and your spouse?
- How do you date on a budget?
- What do you do to model healthy conflict resolution in front of your children? (We recently created some rules for ourselves in this area!)
- Do you have the habit of picking out your spouse’s faults on a regular basis? Do you do so in front of your children?
- In what specific ways can you change? How can you take on full responsibility or stop shirking in some areas? Do you need to learn how to let go?
* * *
This is my 7th of 7 posts in Jen Fulwiler’s “7 Days, 7 Posts” challenge. Come on over, join in the funk link-up, and read some great blogs!
![Why I Love Philip (Happy Birthday!)]()
by Catherine | Feb 28, 2014 | Marriage
Happy Birthday, Honey!
I am struggling to find a focus for this post because there are so many things that I want to write about. I am so proud of you for working everyday to become an even better Christian, husband, and father.
The leadership and dedication you’ve shown in your faith is inspiring, and it’s a joy to watch you fall more in love with our Lord. I love it when you lead our family in prayer. Aside from our couple prayer time before bed, watching you across the table during our family Rosary or squeezing your hand at Mass are some of my favorite parts of the week. I am so glad that our children have a daddy who will pray with them and for them on a regular basis. What a blessing! Thank you for taking a leadership role in that capacity and for helping all of us to improve ourselves in that area of our lives.
 |
| Helping the kiddos blow out the Advent wreath candles. Yay, fire! |
As a father, you’re top notch. The kids’ hearts nearly burst at the seams when they hear the front door open and know that you’re home! Thank you for taking the time to give them the love and attention they need right when you walk in the door. You are so good about getting down on the floor, giving big hugs and kisses, and asking them about whatever they are doing. Despite being crazy busy with residency and everything else we have going on with moving, etc., you are great about showing them that taking time to play and be with them will trump the other stuff. They know how much you love them, and they love showing you how much they love you! As your wife and their mother, I can’t tell you how much joy that gives me. I love how good you are at engaging each child individually, connecting with them in different ways, and showing them that you love what makes them them. Even if there’s a lot to be done on your time off, I love that you’re insistent that we always take time out to have quality time with the kids. It’s usually something simple like our library trips, zoo visits, or picnics at the neighborhood park. The kids FREAK OUT when they find out you have a coveted day off and we get to do something special like that with you. If nothing else, residency makes us realize the preciousness of the time we have together. After residency, they’re going to miss your post-call mornings when you bring them donuts!
 |
| Surprising Janie with her first flowers (pink, of course!) on her 4th birthday |
 |
| Playing Princess Candyland as a fam |
You’re the gold standard in the husband department! You’ve always been my #1 cheerleader.
 |
| One of your many love notes. This one was hidden in the dishwasher for me to find in the morning. |
Ever since I started staying at home, thank you for recognizing my need to take little breaks or have time out with girlfriends. You are great about offering me that time and joyfully taking over the home front while I step away. It is such a relief to have a husband that supports and understands my need to be away from time to time so that I can recharge and be an even better wife & mama when I return. You never complain about the work that needs to be done; instead, you joyfully jump into action by making meals, giving baths, doing projects around the house, etc. I love, love, love how invested you are in keeping our relationship only second to our individual relationships with God. It’s such a blessing to have a spouse that understands that we get closer to each other as we individually get closer to God.
Thank you for showing me that you value our relationship above all others–even the kiddos. As demanding as three little ones can be, you are so good at showing me that I’m your top priority at home. Thank you for helping me to coordinate regular date nights and for being such a fun, adventurous date! I think our favorite date will always be having a leisurely meal, pretending we are foodies (we watch Top Chef so we know everything, right?), sipping on some vino, and having some high-quality uninterrupted conversation. I think we’ll always have something new to talk about because you are always wanting to learn something new, work on an aspect of our marriage, improve our parenting skills, or grow even closer to God. We almost always agree on most things, so it’s actually fun when we don’t agree and have a chance to make our case.
 |
| Dinner date for my birthday |
 |
| Our dinner drinks with tapas at España |
I am so excited to see what your 29th year has in store for you! It looks to be a big year of transition and change, and I look forward to going through all of it with you by my side. You are always such an optimistic and calming presence for our little family. I have no doubt that it will all work out swimmingly. I am excited for you to get to start practicing medicine on your own and bless your partners and patients by your presence. I love your humbleness, but you need to know that you’re an absolute rockstar! Thank you for choosing a profession that simultaneously challenges you while allowing you to have a healthy balance as husband and father. I’m of course selfishly glad that the crazy hours of residency will soon be a distant memory, but I’m more happy for you so that you can have more time for hobbies, guy time, our parish, our kids, and our marriage.
Cheers to your 29th year! God willing, I pray that we will have many, many more years of joy-filled marriage together!
 |
Christmas 2013
* * *
This is my 5th of 7 posts in Jen Fulwiler’s “7 Days, 7 Posts” challenge. Come on over, join the fun link-up, and read some great blogs!
|
![The 1st “P” in Our Rule of Life: Prayer]()
by Catherine | Feb 26, 2014 | Faith, Family, Marriage
In case you missed it, part of my Lenten mission this year is to create a Boucher Family Rule of life modeled after Holly Pierlot’s A Mother’s Rule of Life.
Yesterday, I shared the essential tasks of my vocation and wrote a family mission statement.
Today, I’m starting my examination of the “5 P’s”
- Prayer
- Person
- Partner
- Parent
- Provider
I’ll tackle one “P” each day for the next five days.
First up: Prayer.
Holly Pierlot is right on when she writes that we have to schedule prayer “because God isn’t so obviously urgent, because he doesn’t pester us for our attention like our children or sloppy house can.” Holly suggests making a list of all of the things you think ought to comprise a healthy prayer life. For me and where I am in my spiritual journey, those things include:
- Morning Offering
- Remember that the work of my vocation is prayer and consciously offer each chunk of the day to God to “supernaturalize the day” and “tackle every task as a direct response to God, just as if he were asking you, ‘Will you go do your laundry now?'”
- Holly Pierlot has a tremendous section on overcoming sloth by offering God our efforts. She shares Fr. John Hardon’s definition of sloth as “sluggishness of soul or boredom of the exertion necessary for the performance of any good work.”
- Regularly offer God my efforts in mental prayer
- Daily Readings & Gospel Reflection
- Angelus at Noon
- Saint of the Day Reflection
- Family Prayer (Rosary, bedtime prayers, prayer to St. Joseph as our family’s patron saint)
- Couple Prayer with Philip before bed (reading from our Catechism reflection book and spontaneous prayer)
- Regular examination of conscience and regularly scheduled reconciliation
- Journaling about habits of sin and distractions from my vocation
- Mass (start small with one day each week in addition to Sunday and Holy Days of Obligation)
- Holy Hour (Share a holy hour with Philip and alternate weeks that we go)
- Formal Study (Currently working on The Bible Timeline)
After determining the things I would like to have as a part of my regular prayer life, Holly suggests actually putting them into your schedule. For me, it would look like this:
- Throughout the day: Offer chunks of time to God to “supernaturalize my day”
- Before kids wake up: Morning Offering, dedicate day to God, Daily Readings, and Gospel Reflection
- With kids at breakfast: Morning Offering and Saint of the Day Reflection
- 8:15: Daily Mass (starting with one day a week in addition to Sunday & Holy Days)
- Noon: Angelus with the children after lunch
- During children’s naptime: Formal study (Bible Timeline), examination of conscience and journaling (start with once a week)
- After dinner: Family prayer time (Rosary or special prayers according to liturgical season, bedtime prayers)
- 8:00 p.m. every other Tuesday: shared Holy Hour with Philip
- 9:30 p.m.: Couple prayer with Philip (Read from Catechism reflection book, spontaneous prayer)
A few questions for you:
- Do you have an examination of conscience that you particularly like and can share? What about a kid friendly examination?
- What resources do you use to enter into the Daily Readings? A special app? Homilies?
- Do you have a formal study that you would recommend?
- Do you have a saint of the day resource that is great for reading with children? How do you share the stories of saints with your children?
- What does your couple prayer time look like?
- Do you have any insights to share on prayer in general?
Tomorrow, I’ll take on the 2nd P: Person. That entails all of the things I need to do to keep my person healthy and ready to serve.
* * *
This is my 3rd of 7 posts in Jen Fulwiler’s “7 Days, 7 Posts” challenge. Come on over, join in the fun link-up, and read some great blogs!
