!["I'm Sorry"]()
by Catherine | Jul 31, 2012 | Marriage
As I’ve said before, I’m a Catholic Answers Live radio show podcast junkie. I can’t get enough of that show! If you’ve never listened before, consider tuning in. Even though I was born and raised Catholic and went to 12 years of Catholic school, I still learn something new every time I listen. You need Catholic Answers Live in your life!
The podcast I listened to the other day was called “Marriage: Small Steps, Big Rewards” with guest Dr. Ray Guarendi. The show riffed off of Dr. Ray’s latest book Marriage: Small Steps, Big Rewards. I haven’t read it, but I’m adding it to my “To Read” list after listening to the show! Amazon sums up the book like this:
This book offers straightforward advice from Dr. Ray that requires no grand alterations in lifestyle, no fancy communication strategies, and no psychobabble. Each chapters offers: one simple step to a better marriage; resistance rationales — common excuses for disregarding that step; scenarios for each step illustrating the real-life dynamics of a marriage interspersed with commentary from a therapist’s viewpoint; and a final word about the step under consideration. Offers simple strategies to get you to your goal: a happier, more rewarding marriage.
Caller Tells Dr. Ray His Wife Won’t Accept His Apologies
Dr. Ray took a call from a guest who was fed up with his wife not accepting his apologies. The caller said, “When apologies get turned around, it’s like, ‘Don’t tell me you’re sorry. Show me you’re going to act differently.’ Apologies start to be rejected and not even accepted. How do you get through that one, because that’s a barrier that I’m working to try and work through.”
Having attended a talk by Dr. Ray and having listened to his radio show, I knew he’d give an honest (and perhaps biting) answer, but his blunt delivery always catches me off guard. Without hesitating, he offered keen insight into what’s really bothering the husband about the scenario and what’s keeping his wife from accepting his apologies or saying she’s sorry.
2 Suggestions from Dr. Ray:
1. “One will probably blow up in your face, but it’s probably the more accurate comeback, which is, ‘Honey, I hope the priest doesn’t tell you that every time you go to confession.’ Okay? That one could get you stabbed. I suggest you don’t do that unless she’s in a really, really, really good mood, and you’re somewhere, probably in the next state, calling her.”
When a comment like that takes your breath away, you know it’s true. We walk into the confessional and we expect the unquestioning forgiveness of God so long as we give a sincere apology. Yet, how often are we willing to extend this same model of forgiveness to others the moment they ask for it?
2. “Now, the second thing I would say is, two things. You look and you say, ‘You’re absolutely right. It is easier for me to say ‘I’m sorry’ than to change my behavior. However, I can commit to you that I am trying to change my behavior, and it’s an inch by inch process.’ You ever notice, there’s an old saying when I was in the Evangelical world that we want justice for everybody else and mercy for ourselves. You ever notice I’m not going to give you much tolerance when you say you’re sorry because I noticed you haven’t changed quick enough. I would say to her, I’d say something like, ‘I commit to you I’m going to change,’ and then the other thing you’ve got to do, most people shut down after they say ‘I’m sorry’ two or three times and it doesn’t work for whatever the reason, they stop doing it. No, I think you’ve got to keep doing it anyway, to more or less say ‘I’m sorry, I regret what I did, and I will try to do better,’ but I can’t flip a switch and all of a sudden become a saint.
“I always tell people, unless you’re living with Satan or Satan’s sister, when you apologize to somebody, it does soften them over time. Initially, they react with vehemence, vile, whatever, but you really gotta be hardcore to keep throwing ‘I’m sorry’ back at somebody.”
I had to keep rewinding this part of the podcast to hear these words again. Again, I knew I was listening to truth. It’s so tempting to stop asking for forgiveness when apologies keep getting thrown back in your face. It’s equally tempting to stop offering forgiveness when someone asks forgiveness for the same thing over, and over, and over, and over again. We seem to equate the words ‘I’m sorry’ with an immediate promise of change in behavior. We take for granted that it’s going to take the person seeking forgiveness several attempts (or even a lifetime) to overcome what they’re asking your forgiveness for.
When Catholic Answers host, Patrick Coffin, asked the caller if Dr. Ray’s two tips were helpful, the caller said that they were, but that it doesn’t make it any easier to have his apologies thrown back in his face or not accepted when they are offered sincerely. I love what Dr. Ray had to say next.
“Keeping ‘I’m Sorry’ Score”
“Don’t keep ‘I’m sorry’ score. If you say to yourself, ‘Man, in this marriage, I offer 96% of the apologies. Every once in awhile I’d like to hear one!’ The only thing I can say about that, and I’ll tell you this, and you keep this under your hat, and do not say this to your wife because I don’t know if it’s true. One of the prime reasons people don’t say ‘I’m sorry’ is insecurity. They are afraid of what it means. ‘I’m inept. I’m inadequate. I’m a sinner. I’m nasty.’ They can’t. More secure people can say ‘I’m sorry’ more easily than insecure people. That’s just a rule of life.”
Of course! It takes a secure person in a secure marriage to be able to: (1) admit that they did something wrong, and (2) to ask for the other person’s forgiveness. If they don’t feel that the relationship is secure enough for their spouse to either (1) hear their fault or (2) be willing enough to extend forgiveness, they aren’t even going to ask for it.
Making Small Steps (With Big Rewards) in Our Marriage
Before the days of babies and Philip’s residency, we took ti
me for granted. When conflict arose, we had the “luxury” (if you can call it that) of holding grudges for an entire evening, not speaking to each other during dinner, or going to sleep still upset with each other. When our sweet babies and Philip’s demanding schedule as a resident entered the picture, our time together became so limited that we had to learn how to move through conflict much faster. It’s tough to give the silent treatment when you’re feeding two little ones or are getting them ready for bed.
An hour into an argument last fall, Philip and I were both tired of fighting. Bedtime was approaching, we were both exhausted, and we just wanted to spend time together. After a long week of Philip’s grueling schedule and in the midst of adjusting to two children under two, I remember saying, “I know we’re still upset with each other, and nothing you or I say will change that. So, can we just summarize how the other person is feeling, have them correct us if we’re wrong, and ask how we can fix it for the future?”
It was one of those lightbulb moments for us. Ah, yes! Rather than duke it out for hours on end, why don’t we just figure out what the underlying feelings are that keep fueling the fire? So, that means a little introspection and empathy for both of us. We have to try to figure out what’s really upsetting us and be willing to accept the other person’s feelings. Period.
Dr. Ray spoke to this later in the program. When a caller said they didn’t always feel the need to apologize, Dr. Ray told them, “Remember that you are apologizing for your proportion of the problem–even if it’s just 1%. Don’t wait for the other person to apologize first. Identify your role in the problem, and initiate asking for forgiveness.”
Unsurprisingly, when I asked Philip what he thinks helps us to move faster through conflict, he agrees with Dr. Ray that taking accountability is key. Philip says, “It’s helpful if both people are willing to say they’re sorry because usually both people contributed to the problem. Even if you don’t feel like you’re wrong, saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean that you’re wrong, but that the way you approached making your point might have been the issue rather than what you were saying. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t mean ‘I was wrong.'”
He had this to add: “Show the other person that you understand where they are coming from and show them that you understand their reaction. Keeping the focus on their feelings and not just on the problem helps you both to move on.
When you get to a standstill, focus on understanding where the other person is coming from rather than trying to make them understand your point of view. That helps us to move on faster and spend more time together.”
I wish I could say that Philip and I have become conflict resolution experts, but we’re getting better and better. Like developing any habit, it takes a lot of practice to fight fairly with your spouse. Since discovering our new strategy, most times we are able to work through conflict and be hugging within a few minutes. Knowing that your spouse loves you enough to validate your feelings and say they are sorry, even if you are responsible for 99.9% of the problem, removes any temptation from holding a grudge or withholding forgiveness.
“The Happiest Toddler” to “The Happiest Couple”
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’m a big fan of Dr. Harvey Karp and his book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block. To help a toddler to move through a tantrum, Dr. Karp introduces what he calls the “Fast Food Rule” (FFR). The gist is this: Fast food restaurants are successful because the person who is hungriest talks first. Only after the order is placed, the cashier repeats back the order to make sure they heard it correctly.
Dr. Karp adopts this business model to how we can move through tantrums with toddlers:
- The person who is most upset talks first. The other person listens and repeats back what they’re told. Only then do they take their turn to talk.
- When it’s their turn:
- be physical (give a hug, put a hand on their shoulder, sit quietly together)
- whisper
- give options
- explain your point of view–briefly
- teach how to express feelings
- talk about how emotions feel, physically
- grant your child a wish…in fantasy
- give a “You-I” message
- Find the person’s “sweet spot” by remembering what you say to the upset person isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Mirror back about one-third of their emotional intensity in your tone, facial expression, and gestures. You return to a more normal way of talking as they calm.
- Use the FFR instead of words that hurt, compare, distract, and rush to squelch feelings.
Philip and I learned very quickly that we could apply the FFR to our marriage to help us move through conflict faster. When the more upset person has a chance to talk first, the listener sums up what they said, the listener offers a hug, and the listener remembers to find the “sweet spot” by using the right tone, we move through conflict much faster. When we keep in mind that the goal is helping the more upset person to feel understood rather than making a point or “winning,” there’s no need to hold on to grudges.
When we know that the other person loves us enough to fight fairly, it’s easier to say “I’m sorry” and move on so that we can spend the limited time we have together enjoying one another’s company. It’s much more fun to apologize, hug, and move on together than fighting the night away!
![“I’m Sorry”]()
by Catherine | Jul 31, 2012 | Marriage
As I’ve said before, I’m a Catholic Answers Live radio show podcast junkie. I can’t get enough of that show! If you’ve never listened before, consider tuning in. Even though I was born and raised Catholic and went to 12 years of Catholic school, I still learn something new every time I listen. You need Catholic Answers Live in your life!
The podcast I listened to the other day was called “Marriage: Small Steps, Big Rewards” with guest Dr. Ray Guarendi. The show riffed off of Dr. Ray’s latest book Marriage: Small Steps, Big Rewards. I haven’t read it, but I’m adding it to my “To Read” list after listening to the show! Amazon sums up the book like this:
This book offers straightforward advice from Dr. Ray that requires no grand alterations in lifestyle, no fancy communication strategies, and no psychobabble. Each chapters offers: one simple step to a better marriage; resistance rationales — common excuses for disregarding that step; scenarios for each step illustrating the real-life dynamics of a marriage interspersed with commentary from a therapist’s viewpoint; and a final word about the step under consideration. Offers simple strategies to get you to your goal: a happier, more rewarding marriage.
Caller Tells Dr. Ray His Wife Won’t Accept His Apologies
Dr. Ray took a call from a guest who was fed up with his wife not accepting his apologies. The caller said, “When apologies get turned around, it’s like, ‘Don’t tell me you’re sorry. Show me you’re going to act differently.’ Apologies start to be rejected and not even accepted. How do you get through that one, because that’s a barrier that I’m working to try and work through.”
Having attended a talk by Dr. Ray and having listened to his radio show, I knew he’d give an honest (and perhaps biting) answer, but his blunt delivery always catches me off guard. Without hesitating, he offered keen insight into what’s really bothering the husband about the scenario and what’s keeping his wife from accepting his apologies or saying she’s sorry.
2 Suggestions from Dr. Ray:
1. “One will probably blow up in your face, but it’s probably the more accurate comeback, which is, ‘Honey, I hope the priest doesn’t tell you that every time you go to confession.’ Okay? That one could get you stabbed. I suggest you don’t do that unless she’s in a really, really, really good mood, and you’re somewhere, probably in the next state, calling her.”
When a comment like that takes your breath away, you know it’s true. We walk into the confessional and we expect the unquestioning forgiveness of God so long as we give a sincere apology. Yet, how often are we willing to extend this same model of forgiveness to others the moment they ask for it?
2. “Now, the second thing I would say is, two things. You look and you say, ‘You’re absolutely right. It is easier for me to say ‘I’m sorry’ than to change my behavior. However, I can commit to you that I am trying to change my behavior, and it’s an inch by inch process.’ You ever notice, there’s an old saying when I was in the Evangelical world that we want justice for everybody else and mercy for ourselves. You ever notice I’m not going to give you much tolerance when you say you’re sorry because I noticed you haven’t changed quick enough. I would say to her, I’d say something like, ‘I commit to you I’m going to change,’ and then the other thing you’ve got to do, most people shut down after they say ‘I’m sorry’ two or three times and it doesn’t work for whatever the reason, they stop doing it. No, I think you’ve got to keep doing it anyway, to more or less say ‘I’m sorry, I regret what I did, and I will try to do better,’ but I can’t flip a switch and all of a sudden become a saint.
“I always tell people, unless you’re living with Satan or Satan’s sister, when you apologize to somebody, it does soften them over time. Initially, they react with vehemence, vile, whatever, but you really gotta be hardcore to keep throwing ‘I’m sorry’ back at somebody.”
I had to keep rewinding this part of the podcast to hear these words again. Again, I knew I was listening to truth. It’s so tempting to stop asking for forgiveness when apologies keep getting thrown back in your face. It’s equally tempting to stop offering forgiveness when someone asks forgiveness for the same thing over, and over, and over, and over again. We seem to equate the words ‘I’m sorry’ with an immediate promise of change in behavior. We take for granted that it’s going to take the person seeking forgiveness several attempts (or even a lifetime) to overcome what they’re asking your forgiveness for.
When Catholic Answers host, Patrick Coffin, asked the caller if Dr. Ray’s two tips were helpful, the caller said that they were, but that it doesn’t make it any easier to have his apologies thrown back in his face or not accepted when they are offered sincerely. I love what Dr. Ray had to say next.
“Keeping ‘I’m Sorry’ Score”
“Don’t keep ‘I’m sorry’ score. If you say to yourself, ‘Man, in this marriage, I offer 96% of the apologies. Every once in awhile I’d like to hear one!’ The only thing I can say about that, and I’ll tell you this, and you keep this under your hat, and do not say this to your wife because I don’t know if it’s true. One of the prime reasons people don’t say ‘I’m sorry’ is insecurity. They are afraid of what it means. ‘I’m inept. I’m inadequate. I’m a sinner. I’m nasty.’ They can’t. More secure people can say ‘I’m sorry’ more easily than insecure people. That’s just a rule of life.”
Of course! It takes a secure person in a secure marriage to be able to: (1) admit that they did something wrong, and (2) to ask for the other person’s forgiveness. If they don’t feel that the relationship is secure enough for their spouse to either (1) hear their fault or (2) be willing enough to extend forgiveness, they aren’t even going to ask for it.
Making Small Steps (With Big Rewards) in Our Marriage
Before the days of babies and Philip’s residency, we took time for granted. When conflict arose, we had the “luxury” (if you can call it that) of holding grudges for an entire evening, not speaking to each other during dinner, or going to sleep still upset with each other. When our sweet babies and Philip’s demanding schedule as a resident entered the picture, our time together became so limited that we had to learn how to move through conflict much faster. It’s tough to give the silent treatment when you’re feeding two little ones or are getting them ready for bed.
An hour into an argument last fall, Philip and I were both tired of fighting. Bedtime was approaching, we were both exhausted, and we just wanted to spend time together. After a long week of Philip’s grueling schedule and in the midst of adjusting to two children under two, I remember saying, “I know we’re still upset with each other, and nothing you or I say will change that. So, can we just summarize how the other person is feeling, have them correct us if we’re wrong, and ask how we can fix it for the future?”
It was one of those lightbulb moments for us. Ah, yes! Rather than duke it out for hours on end, why don’t we just figure out what the underlying feelings are that keep fueling the fire? So, that means a little introspection and empathy for both of us. We have to try to figure out what’s really upsetting us and be willing to accept the other person’s feelings. Period.
Dr. Ray spoke to this later in the program. When a caller said they didn’t always feel the need to apologize, Dr. Ray told them, “Remember that you are apologizing for your proportion of the problem–even if it’s just 1%. Don’t wait for the other person to apologize first. Identify your role in the problem, and initiate asking for forgiveness.”
Unsurprisingly, when I asked Philip what he thinks helps us to move faster through conflict, he agrees with Dr. Ray that taking accountability is key. Philip says, “It’s helpful if both people are willing to say they’re sorry because usually both people contributed to the problem. Even if you don’t feel like you’re wrong, saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean that you’re wrong, but that the way you approached making your point might have been the issue rather than what you were saying. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t mean ‘I was wrong.'”
He had this to add: “Show the other person that you understand where they are coming from and show them that you understand their reaction. Keeping the focus on their feelings and not just on the problem helps you both to move on.
When you get to a standstill, focus on understanding where the other person is coming from rather than trying to make them understand your point of view. That helps us to move on faster and spend more time together.”
I wish I could say that Philip and I have become conflict resolution experts, but we’re getting better and better. Like developing any habit, it takes a lot of practice to fight fairly with your spouse. Since discovering our new strategy, most times we are able to work through conflict and be hugging within a few minutes. Knowing that your spouse loves you enough to validate your feelings and say they are sorry, even if you are responsible for 99.9% of the problem, removes any temptation from holding a grudge or withholding forgiveness.
“The Happiest Toddler” to “The Happiest Couple”
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’m a big fan of Dr. Harvey Karp and his book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block. To help a toddler to move through a tantrum, Dr. Karp introduces what he calls the “Fast Food Rule” (FFR). The gist is this: Fast food restaurants are successful because the person who is hungriest talks first. Only after the order is placed, the cashier repeats back the order to make sure they heard it correctly.
Dr. Karp adopts this business model to how we can move through tantrums with toddlers:
- The person who is most upset talks first. The other person listens and repeats back what they’re told. Only then do they take their turn to talk.
- When it’s their turn:
- be physical (give a hug, put a hand on their shoulder, sit quietly together)
- whisper
- give options
- explain your point of view–briefly
- teach how to express feelings
- talk about how emotions feel, physically
- grant your child a wish…in fantasy
- give a “You-I” message
- Find the person’s “sweet spot” by remembering what you say to the upset person isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Mirror back about one-third of their emotional intensity in your tone, facial expression, and gestures. You return to a more normal way of talking as they calm.
- Use the FFR instead of words that hurt, compare, distract, and rush to squelch feelings.
Philip and I learned very quickly that we could apply the FFR to our marriage to help us move through conflict faster. When the more upset person has a chance to talk first, the listener sums up what they said, the listener offers a hug, and the listener remembers to find the “sweet spot” by using the right tone, we move through conflict much faster. When we keep in mind that the goal is helping the more upset person to feel understood rather than making a point or “winning,” there’s no need to hold on to grudges.
When we know that the other person loves us enough to fight fairly, it’s easier to say “I’m sorry” and move on so that we can spend the limited time we have together enjoying one another’s company. It’s much more fun to apologize, hug, and move on together than fighting the night away!
![Happy National NFP Awareness Week!]()
by Catherine | Jul 26, 2012 | Marriage
The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (and I) would like you wish you a Happy National NFP Awareness Week!
What is National Natural Family Planning (NFP) Awareness Week for anyway?
It’s going to look different in the various dioceses across the country, but the gist is this:
The dates of Natural Family Planning Awareness Week highlight the anniversary of the papal encyclical Humanae Vitae (July 25) which articulates Catholic beliefs about human sexuality, conjugal love and responsible parenthood. The dates also mark the feast of Saints Joachim and Anne (July 26), the parents of the Blessed Mother. For further information, contact nfp@usccb.org.
This week is an opportunity for folks like me to get rid of the idea that NFP is:
- the same as the rhythm method
- too time-consuming
- too difficult
- unreliable
- the same as using contraceptives
Today is the 44th anniversary of the release of Humanae Vitae, the prophetic encyclical written by Pope Paul VI. Simply put, Humanae Vitae is an articulation of how the Church faithful can have the best sex of their lives–by keeping it in the context of a lifelong, faithful, and fruitful marriage. To riff off 1Flesh.org and iusenfp (two groups promoting NFP), the Church, in all Her wisdom, knows that sexuality is a gift and wants to “bring sexy back.”
Natural Family Planning (NFP) is an opportunity for couples to “go green” and use their sexuality exactly how it was intended–no barriers, no pills, nothing but the complete gift of self for the good of the other.
Assuming the husband and wife have no health problems, the gist of Natural Family Planning is this: A man is always fertile, but a woman’s monthly cycle has times of fertility and infertility. By learning about God’s design for her body, a woman is able to discover the natural pattern of when she is and is not fertile. There are various methods for determining this information: Creighton, Billings, Sympto-thermal, and the Marquette Model. (Philip and I use the Creighton Model.)
The USCCB website sums up the benefits of using NFP very well:
What are the benefits of using NFP?
In NFP both spouses are taught to understand the nature of fertility and work with it, either to plan a pregnancy or to avoid a pregnancy. Couples who use NFP soon learn that they have a shared responsibility for family planning. Husbands are encouraged to “tune into” their wives’ cycles and both spouses are encouraged to speak openly and frankly about their sexual desires and their ideas on family size.
Other benefits include
- Low cost
- No harmful side effects
- Effectiveness for achieving, spacing, or limiting pregnancy
- Can be used throughout the reproductive life cycle
- Marriage enrichment and mutual understanding
- Appreciation for the value of children
- Fosters respect for and acceptance of the total person
- Moral acceptability
Philip and I first learned about NFP during our marriage preparation. We took classes to learn about the gift of our combined fertility in the year leading up to our wedding so that we would be confident in our ability to use NFP effectively. NFP has been a tremendous blessing to our marriage, and we encourage other married couples to seek out the fantastic resources available to learn more about NFP.
Resources:
- Pope Paul VI Institute Internationally recognized Institute helping couples “in the field of natural fertility regulation and reproductive medicine”
- Creighton Model
- NaProTechnology.com
- The NaProTechnology Revolution
- DrHilgers.com (founder of the Pope Paul VI Institute)
- Fertility Care Centers of America
- Sex Au Naturel: What it is and why it’s good for your marriage (By Patrick Coffin)
- One More Soul (How I found an NFP-only doctor in my area)
- All of the documents on Catholic Teaching of Sexuality
- Find An NFP Class
I am happy to answer any questions you may have about NFP. Leave a comment below!
![The Photographer's Observations]()
by Catherine | Jul 2, 2012 | Family, Marriage
When I was younger, I didn’t really understand what was so stressful about a family photo shoot for my parents. What’s the big deal? We just showed up, smiled, and the photographer got the pictures back to us, right?
Oh, how naive I was! There’s a lot behind a successful family photo shoot–especially when little ones are involved. First, there are the individual family members’ outfits to consider. Then, there is the question of scheduling. Absolutely no scheduling a photo shoot too close to a meal or nap. Scheduling newborn photo shoots was the most stressful because of my struggles with nursing and having perpetually hungry babies. Hungry babies are not happy babies at a photo shoot! Then, you have to make sure that everyone has had a recent haircut so that they’re not looking too shaggy. In the bag, you have to include waters for the little guys, snacks for the little ones that won’t stain or leave crumbs all over the place, a brush, a lint roller, and emergency toys that will bring a smile to the little guys’ faces.
Despite all of the planning, something is bound to go wrong. If a baby hasn’t spit up or had a diaper blow out on their outfit, a toddler might refuse to smile, a button on your husband’s oxford might be unbuttoned, or your hair might be doing something crazy. The time and money invested into your one-hour photo shoot puts the pressure on all of you to get that perfect family photo of everyone. There’s something about the pressure cooker environment of a family photo shoot that makes the best of us lose our minds.
When we scheduled our last family photo shoot a few months ago, we went into it wiser having already survived a few shoots together. To prepare for this shoot, Philip and I promised each other we would do two things:
- Do anything and everything we could to plan ahead and avoid stressful day-of problems
- This included things like making a list of what we need to bring, double checking the bag’s contents before we left, and doing a quick head to toe check for each family member.
- Talk about how we are going to handle those inevitable problems ahead of time together
- Clearly and politely give suggestions if you see a problem.
- Don’t be afraid to communicate problems in front of the photographer.
- No blaming. Only problem-solving and helping.
- Divide and conquer. With 2 kiddos, it was easy playing man-to-man defense in taking care of the kids.
- Switch jobs and ask for help if you need to switch. Throughout the shoot, we said we would switch roles of helping to position kids, getting them to smile, fetching toys/snacks/brushes, etc.
- Take a break if a kid (or adult!) needs it.
- Remember that:
- We’re on the same team
- The goal is to capture our family at this moment in time
- “At this moment in time” we have a 2 and a 1-year-old
- Therefore, tears and meltdowns are likely, and we’ll be ready for them
So, the day for our shoot rolled around. We arrived on time, we didn’t forget anything at home, and the kids were in good moods. Hooray!
Ten minutes into the shoot, as we were switching the backdrop, the photographer made a few observations that stuck with me. She thanked me and Philip for “being so nice to each other.” She said that it can be really awkward as a photographer when the shoots get stressful and the family members lose their cool. We had been to this photographer a few times, so her next remark was a big compliment. “You’ve always been so sweet to each other. I remember that. It’s refreshing, so thanks.”
For a woman who has only been around our family three times for a few hours during stressful family photo shoots to remember how we talk to each other and to feel the need to thank us for it meant a lot to us. It was a good reminder that how we talk to one another, especially in stressful situations, affects our children and speaks volumes about our marriage to those around us. If we treat each other well, even in the stressful times, it will encourage others to do the same.
I recently told a friend that one of the many blessings of having children is that they force your communication skills with your spouse to be fine-tuned. “There’s no time to hold grudges! You work through your problems faster than ever because you have to, and because your one-on-one time becomes so limited, you work more than you ever have on your communication skills.”
I suppose our photographer’s assumption was that if we are patient, forgiving, encouraging, gentle, and helpful with one another in a stressful photo shoot, then we must treat each other equally well during the non-stressful times. I wish I could say that that’s always the case, but Philip and I still have our moments like any couple. Throw in Philip’s work schedule as a resident, my hormones, two children ages 2 and 1, and you have the potential for disaster. The good news is that we’re able to work through any problems faster than ever because our limited time together has forced us to really work on our communication skills.
When we got into the minivan after our photoshoot, we thanked the kids for being so good, and Philip gave me a big high five. “Good job, team!” Sure, Walt had a big meltdown toward the end and Janie forgot how to smile for most of the pictures, but Philip and I never lost our cool with each other, and we were actually laughing throughout most of the shoot. It was a far cry from our first family photo shoot with two-week-old Janie and me breaking down in tears once we reached the car. We talked about our photographer’s kind words and what they meant to us. We made a promise to one another as we pulled away to always do our best to treat one another in a way that makes others want to do the same for their spouses.
After all, it’s not just about us. Our marriage is to set an example, especially for our children, on how to love one another. It’s not always easy to be gentle, loving, and forgiving. That’s where sacramental grace comes in! Love is our “duty,” as Blessed Pope John Paul II says, and we pray for the sacramental grace to be loving–especially when we don’t feel like it. When you know that your spouse genuinely wants what is best for you and your family, it’s much easier to give the benefit of the doubt, forgive them for the things that upset you, ask for forgiveness when you’ve wronged them, and work through your problems together.
“Love then is not a utopia: it is given to mankind as a task to be carried ou
t with the help of divine grace. It is entrusted to man and woman, in the Sacrament of Matrimony, as the basic principle of their ‘duty,’ and it becomes the foundation of their mutual responsibility: first as spouses, then as father and mother. In the celebration of the Sacrament, the spouses give and receive each other, declaring their willingness to welcome children and to educate them. On this hinges human civilization, which cannot be defined as anything other than a ‘civilization of love.'” – Blessed Pope John Paul II, Letter to Families, no. 15.
Here are some of the shots from our successful shoot.
![The Photographer’s Observations]()
by Catherine | Jul 2, 2012 | Family, Marriage
When I was younger, I didn’t really understand what was so stressful about a family photo shoot for my parents. What’s the big deal? We just showed up, smiled, and the photographer got the pictures back to us, right?
Oh, how naive I was! There’s a lot behind a successful family photo shoot–especially when little ones are involved. First, there are the individual family members’ outfits to consider. Then, there is the question of scheduling. Absolutely no scheduling a photo shoot too close to a meal or nap. Scheduling newborn photo shoots was the most stressful because of my struggles with nursing and having perpetually hungry babies. Hungry babies are not happy babies at a photo shoot! Then, you have to make sure that everyone has had a recent haircut so that they’re not looking too shaggy. In the bag, you have to include waters for the little guys, snacks for the little ones that won’t stain or leave crumbs all over the place, a brush, a lint roller, and emergency toys that will bring a smile to the little guys’ faces.
Despite all of the planning, something is bound to go wrong. If a baby hasn’t spit up or had a diaper blow out on their outfit, a toddler might refuse to smile, a button on your husband’s oxford might be unbuttoned, or your hair might be doing something crazy. The time and money invested into your one-hour photo shoot puts the pressure on all of you to get that perfect family photo of everyone. There’s something about the pressure cooker environment of a family photo shoot that makes the best of us lose our minds.
When we scheduled our last family photo shoot a few months ago, we went into it wiser having already survived a few shoots together. To prepare for this shoot, Philip and I promised each other we would do two things:
- Do anything and everything we could to plan ahead and avoid stressful day-of problems
- This included things like making a list of what we need to bring, double checking the bag’s contents before we left, and doing a quick head to toe check for each family member.
- Talk about how we are going to handle those inevitable problems ahead of time together
- Clearly and politely give suggestions if you see a problem.
- Don’t be afraid to communicate problems in front of the photographer.
- No blaming. Only problem-solving and helping.
- Divide and conquer. With 2 kiddos, it was easy playing man-to-man defense in taking care of the kids.
- Switch jobs and ask for help if you need to switch. Throughout the shoot, we said we would switch roles of helping to position kids, getting them to smile, fetching toys/snacks/brushes, etc.
- Take a break if a kid (or adult!) needs it.
- Remember that:
- We’re on the same team
- The goal is to capture our family at this moment in time
- “At this moment in time” we have a 2 and a 1-year-old
- Therefore, tears and meltdowns are likely, and we’ll be ready for them
So, the day for our shoot rolled around. We arrived on time, we didn’t forget anything at home, and the kids were in good moods. Hooray!
Ten minutes into the shoot, as we were switching the backdrop, the photographer made a few observations that stuck with me. She thanked me and Philip for “being so nice to each other.” She said that it can be really awkward as a photographer when the shoots get stressful and the family members lose their cool. We had been to this photographer a few times, so her next remark was a big compliment. “You’ve always been so sweet to each other. I remember that. It’s refreshing, so thanks.”
For a woman who has only been around our family three times for a few hours during stressful family photo shoots to remember how we talk to each other and to feel the need to thank us for it meant a lot to us. It was a good reminder that how we talk to one another, especially in stressful situations, affects our children and speaks volumes about our marriage to those around us. If we treat each other well, even in the stressful times, it will encourage others to do the same.
I recently told a friend that one of the many blessings of having children is that they force your communication skills with your spouse to be fine-tuned. “There’s no time to hold grudges! You work through your problems faster than ever because you have to, and because your one-on-one time becomes so limited, you work more than you ever have on your communication skills.”
I suppose our photographer’s assumption was that if we are patient, forgiving, encouraging, gentle, and helpful with one another in a stressful photo shoot, then we must treat each other equally well during the non-stressful times. I wish I could say that that’s always the case, but Philip and I still have our moments like any couple. Throw in Philip’s work schedule as a resident, my hormones, two children ages 2 and 1, and you have the potential for disaster. The good news is that we’re able to work through any problems faster than ever because our limited time together has forced us to really work on our communication skills.
When we got into the minivan after our photoshoot, we thanked the kids for being so good, and Philip gave me a big high five. “Good job, team!” Sure, Walt had a big meltdown toward the end and Janie forgot how to smile for most of the pictures, but Philip and I never lost our cool with each other, and we were actually laughing throughout most of the shoot. It was a far cry from our first family photo shoot with two-week-old Janie and me breaking down in tears once we reached the car. We talked about our photographer’s kind words and what they meant to us. We made a promise to one another as we pulled away to always do our best to treat one another in a way that makes others want to do the same for their spouses.
After all, it’s not just about us. Our marriage is to set an example, especially for our children, on how to love one another. It’s not always easy to be gentle, loving, and forgiving. That’s where sacramental grace comes in! Love is our “duty,” as Blessed Pope John Paul II says, and we pray for the sacramental grace to be loving–especially when we don’t feel like it. When you know that your spouse genuinely wants what is best for you and your family, it’s much easier to give the benefit of the doubt, forgive them for the things that upset you, ask for forgiveness when you’ve wronged them, and work through your problems together.
“Love then is not a utopia: it is given to mankind as a task to be carried out with the help of divine grace. It is entrusted to man and woman, in the Sacrament of Matrimony, as the basic principle of their ‘duty,’ and it becomes the foundation of their mutual responsibility: first as spouses, then as father and mother. In the celebration of the Sacrament, the spouses give and receive each other, declaring their willingness to welcome children and to educate them. On this hinges human civilization, which cannot be defined as anything other than a ‘civilization of love.'” – Blessed Pope John Paul II, Letter to Families, no. 15.
Here are some of the shots from our successful shoot.
![Back to Reality and Janie's Sticker Chart]()
by Catherine | Jun 11, 2012 | Marriage
I’ve been MIA from the blogging world because I was on vacation. No, I didn’t go anywhere exotic or do anything earth-shattering. I simply got to spend an entire week with Dr. Phil at home with us! Hooray! We got to do all kinds of fun stuff. We worked on the landscaping in our front yard, and it already looks so much better. I’ll be sure and post pictures once we get everything planted and exactly how we want it. We made a trip to the local Children’s Museum and had a picnic lunch. We visited a state museum on our alma mater campus and got to meet up with my sister, her kiddos, Philip’s mom, and his little sister. We had two weddings, and Janie loved seeing the “princesses” in their beautiful gowns. We went with our playgroup to the zoo and had lunch by the seals. My high school World Religions teacher was in town for a conference, and we were able to have him over for brownie sundaes. What’s cooler than watching one of your heroes color with your daughter at the dining room table? I can’t think of what else we did off the top of my head, but it was a fun whirlwind of a week with plenty of family time. I’m sad to see it go, but it’s nice to be back to my regular routine. I had let the housework and cooking get away from me (and we know how THAT stresses me out!), so I’ve had a busy day getting back on track.
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I’m currently re-reading “The Happiest Toddler on the Block.” Part of Dr. Karp’s strategy for raising a happy toddler is spotlighting the good that they’re doing. One strategy is creating what he calls a “star chart.” You pick three behaviors to focus on (two that the toddler is already doing and one to work on). Then, sit down when they’re calm and explain that they’re doing a great job at the two things and say you’d like to help them work on the third. Let the toddler know that they’ll get a star each time they do any of the three things. Draw out the chart, allow the child to decorate it and pick out the stickers to make it their chart. Display the chart where everyone can see it, gossip about their success, give bonus stars for extra cooperation, get your child’s input for special rewards for every ten stars. Redo the chart every few weeks and add new behaviors.
Since praise is very effective with Jane, I decided to create “Janie’s Sticker Chart.” The two things that she does well already are sharing with Walt and waiting. The third thing that we’re going to work on is allowing Mom and Dad to put in her eye drops everyday. (Unfortunately, Jane inherited her mom’s “lazy eye.” It might be a cool party trick when you can control it like I can, but Jane can’t, and she needs these drops to blur the vision in her strong eye and strengthen the muscles in her “lazy” eye.)
We made the sticker chart this morning together while Walt took his morning nap. Janie helped me pick out the images online for the different tasks, and we drew up a chart on Microsoft Word. She retrieved it from the printer and helped me to put it on the refrigerator. She is sooooooo excited about her chart, and she gets a big thrill out of putting her selected Sesame Street stickers up for her achievements. It’s pretty darn cute watching her puff out her chest and point at her accumulated stars for waiting, sharing, and putting in eye drops.
Here’s the chart:
Hopefully the sticker chart continues to be a smashing success, and we’ll be able to go out for ice cream as a family when Janie gets 10 stars. C’mon, Janie! Mama loves ice cream as much as you do!
