![Year of Me: Me Time/Marriage/Friendship Goals Update]()
by Catherine | Oct 12, 2016 | Everything Else, Marriage
When I wrote my first post about the Year of Me, I ended with “Me Time” and touched briefly on marriage and friendship. For Me Time, I said I wanted, “Guilt free regularly scheduled sitter during the day a few days a week so that I can nap, run errands, read a book at a coffee shop, blog, exercise, etc.” As for marriage and friendship, I wrote, “I’m still pondering specific goals for these two areas, but I’m envisioning more regular contact and in-person visits with my friends as well as some new hobbies and ways to spend quality time with Philip.”
Goal updates:
Me Time
Philip has always been and continues to be so generous in helping me to find pockets of time for me. Over the summer, I had a sitter help with the 3 older kids Monday/Wednesday/Friday from 8 a.m. until naptime at 1:30 p.m. It was wonderful! It gave me a chance to bond more with Dorothy as we worked on nursing. After I got my morning workout in, she tagged along with me to get errands run or get things done around the house while she snoozed.
Now that we’re into the school year, we have a sitter come over on Wednesdays after school for two hours. That way, I can get a few things done in the middle of the week. I use the time to do dinner prep, run an errand or two, prepare for my parish women’s group, plan something for GodTeens, or blog.
I started taking tennis lessons last month, and I love it! Philip was a tennis player in high school, so it’s fun to have a sport that we can play together in addition to golf.
Playing tennis on vacation last week (More on that later!)
Going forward, my Me Time goals are to:
- Write:
- Publish at least 2 times each week on my blog
- Dedicate at least 10 minutes everyday to writing
- Reach out to writers I admire to learn more about the nitty gritty of blogging/writing for them
- Read for at least 30 minutes everyday
- Tennis: continue weekly lessons
- Sew
- Schedule a sewing lesson by November 1st
- Finish my receiving blankets by November 15th
- Finish my napkins by December 1st
For marriage, my goals are to:
- Schedule regular date nights with Philip (at least 2 out and 1 at home each month)
- Get ready for bed at 9:00 p.m. so that we have time for “bedtime book club” and pillow talk
For friendship, my goals are to:
- Call one person everyday instead of just texting–even if it’s just for a few minutes
- Schedule bimonthly outings with girlfriends
Questions for You:
How do you keep your tank full? When was the last time you scheduled time to do something that you love just because? How are you keeping the spark alive in your marriage? Are your friendships as strong as they could be? How do you keep in touch with your friends when life gets busy?
!["Their Invitation is Your Permission" in Our Marriage]()
by Catherine | Sep 8, 2016 | Marriage
Last time, I introduced the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” and what it looks like in my relationships. If you missed that one, click here. Today, I’m talking about what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage when one of us has hurt feelings.
If you remember, I first heard the phrase “their invitation is your permission” on the Happy Hour Podcast with Jamie Ivey. Jamie talked about what “their invitation is your permission” looks like with her and her husband Aaron. When Jamie thinks Aaron is upset, she’ll ask him, “‘Hey, are you upset with me?’ and he says, ‘No,’ then I have to believe him. If he’s still acting like he’s upset, then it might be something else, or it’s his turn now to say, like, ‘Hey, I didn’t really…’ but I’m gonna believe you when you say that.”
Jamie has a southern drawl and spouts off these pearls so seamlessly that you might have missed what she said in there. It’s so simple and sounds like such a “duh” kind of thing, but very few of my relationships are built on this kind of simple, direct communication. What she says is vital for marriages. Go back, read what she said, and you’ll realize that there’s a simple formula she relies on her in communication with her husband when conflict arises. Here’s her formula:
- Sense conflict.
- Ask the other person if he/she is upset.
- Listen to the other person say “yes” or “no”
- Believe what the other person says.
The last part is key. We must believe what the other person says. 8 years into our marriage, Philip and I are starting to get a handle on how the other person processes conflict and raw emotions. Philip’s a stuffer and processor while I’m a spewer and exploder. Philip tends to need time to process things and isn’t always able to put labels on how he’s feeling. When Philip is upset, he’s usually not going to say so, and he’ll get less and less friendly as time goes on. It takes me asking him, “Are you upset?” for him to think, “Well, now that you ask, yes, I guess I am.” We’ve had many conversations about how important it is for him to tell me when he’s upset–even if he’s not sure why. More often than not, we can figure out what triggered his hurt feelings together, but it is key that Philip is able to stop, really think about whether he is upset or not, and give me an honest answer. His ability to say, “Yes, I’m upset,” allows both of us to move forward in helping him to feel better again. If he says, “No,” then he knows that I am going to believe his “No.” In the space after our conversation, he might realize like Jamie’s husband that he’s upset about something else. Or, he may just need some time to think about why he’s acting the way he is and realize that, yes, something is bothering him. If Philip tells me that he’s not upset about something when he realizes that he really is, then it’s up to him to let me know that. He can’t hold me accountable to hurt feelings he has told me he doesn’t have.
Meanwhile, I tend to spew and explode. It’s rare for Philip to need to ask me, “Are you upset?” because I’ll take the first chance I get to share my hurt feelings. Oh, yes, I’ll tell him! And I’ll tell him alllllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why I’m upset, and alllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why it’s his fault. Aren’t I darling? When I’m feeling extra rotten, I might even throw in unrelated reasons to be upset. After I’m done spewing and exploding, that’s Philip’s chance to make sure the volcano is done erupting and ask if I’m still upset. That’s my chance to give my “Yes” or “No.” If I say, “No,” then I need to know that Philip is going to believe me and move on, expecting me to move on. If I’m still upset and get ticked off that he’s acting like things are all hunky dory, then that’s on me, and I need to put my big girl pants on and say, “Actually, I’m still upset because…”
“Their Invitation is Your Permission” within marriage is so freeing. When I give Philip an invitation to share his hurt feelings, he knows that that’s his opportunity to share all of it. When I finish unloading my hurt feelings, Philip gives me an invitation to make sure I’ve shared my entire heart. 2 important things need to happen for us to truly accept the invitation:
- Believe we are safe unloading our entire hearts
- Be willing to unpack the entire hurt together
First, we need to believe that we are safe unloading our entire hearts. The person on the receiving end needs to be able to hear all of the reasons why the other person is hurting, and the person sharing needs to be able to do that without fear of telling the truth. This does not mean that the person on the receiving end will agree with everything that is said. I repeat: this does not mean that we are always going to agree with what the hurt person says. The person on the receiving end only needs to be able to listen without interruption and repeat back what they heard. We learned this game changer idea when we read Dr. Harvey Karp’s The Happiest Baby on the Block when we were preparing for the birth of our first child. Dr. Karp calls this the “Fast Food Rule (FFR)” and describes it as a helpful way to engage the irrational toddler brain when they are upset. Unsurprisingly, the FFR works great with an upset spouse, too! At a fast food restaurant, the person who is hungry talks first. Only when they have completed telling their order to the person in the window does the employee ask for clarification. “Do you want ketchup with that?” Only when the order is complete does the employee repeat back the order and ask if they got it right. In conversation, the FFR works like this: the person who is most “hungry” (upset) talks first. They tell their “order” (all of the reasons why they are upset). Only when the person who is upset is done speaking does the other person ask clarifying questions. It is so important that they remember they are only asking questions to clarify what they heard and are not interjecting to insert their version of what happened. Whether or not we choose to believe that we’re safe unloading all of our hearts hinges on the other person’s ability to listen calmly and objectively. Then, once the person “taking the order” is confident that they understand, they repeat back what they heard. “So you’re frustrated about x because x, is that right?” This is the turning point of most of our marital conflict. When we’re upset, we unload the reasons why we’re upset, our spouse listens, and they’re able to repeat back exactly what they heard, something amazing happens. We feel understood and, more often than not, roughly 90% of the tension goes away. Whether or not our spouse agrees with us at this point, we know moving forward that they get it. They might not agree with why we are upset, but they understand why we are so hurt. A spouse who is willing to patiently listen until they understand why we are hurting is usually willing to go the remaining 10% to find a solution that will bring about reconciliation and forgiveness.
If we accept the invitation to completely and safely unload our hearts until we get to a place where we feel understood, we’re ready to do the second part of the invitation: unpacking the entire hurt together. Alone, we might not realize all of the facets of why the problem is irking us, but we can usually figure it out together. Sometimes, the hurt is a symptom of a bigger problem. When Philip tells me that he’s feeling micromanaged, the problem isn’t his unwillingness to do a task to a high standard; it’s about the disrespect he feels from my nitpicking. When I tell Philip that he has been unfriendly, it’s not because he has been saying mean things or or has been unhelpful; instead, I’m probably needing a hug or more than a passing conversation. Once we’re unpacked the entire hurt, we understand moving forward how to either avoid it or stop the cycle from repeating itself in the future.
When we choose to accept those invitations as our permission to be vulnerable in our hurt, we encourage the other to be receptive to why we are hurting. When we are offered a sincere invitation to share our hearts, we act less like cagey animals and more like the wounded people that we are. It is so worth it to be brave with each other. After awhile, it stops feeling like being brave, and it starts feeling like stepping stones toward even greater intimacy. Next time you’re feeling some tension in your marriage, give your spouse an invitation to be vulnerable with their hurt. Follow the Fast Food Rule, and give them permission to completely and safely unload. Then, be willing to unpack the entire hurt together. See if it doesn’t change the way you work through conflict. Your invitation is their permission toward healing.
![“Their Invitation is Your Permission” in Our Marriage]()
by Catherine | Sep 8, 2016 | Marriage
Last time, I introduced the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” and what it looks like in my relationships. If you missed that one, click here. Today, I’m talking about what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage when one of us has hurt feelings.
If you remember, I first heard the phrase “their invitation is your permission” on the Happy Hour Podcast with Jamie Ivey. Jamie talked about what “their invitation is your permission” looks like with her and her husband Aaron. When Jamie thinks Aaron is upset, she’ll ask him, “‘Hey, are you upset with me?’ and he says, ‘No,’ then I have to believe him. If he’s still acting like he’s upset, then it might be something else, or it’s his turn now to say, like, ‘Hey, I didn’t really…’ but I’m gonna believe you when you say that.”
Jamie has a southern drawl and spouts off these pearls so seamlessly that you might have missed what she said in there. It’s so simple and sounds like such a “duh” kind of thing, but very few of my relationships are built on this kind of simple, direct communication. What she says is vital for marriages. Go back, read what she said, and you’ll realize that there’s a simple formula she relies on her in communication with her husband when conflict arises. Here’s her formula:
- Sense conflict.
- Ask the other person if he/she is upset.
- Listen to the other person say “yes” or “no”
- Believe what the other person says.
The last part is key. We must believe what the other person says. 8 years into our marriage, Philip and I are starting to get a handle on how the other person processes conflict and raw emotions. Philip’s a stuffer and processor while I’m a spewer and exploder. Philip tends to need time to process things and isn’t always able to put labels on how he’s feeling. When Philip is upset, he’s usually not going to say so, and he’ll get less and less friendly as time goes on. It takes me asking him, “Are you upset?” for him to think, “Well, now that you ask, yes, I guess I am.” We’ve had many conversations about how important it is for him to tell me when he’s upset–even if he’s not sure why. More often than not, we can figure out what triggered his hurt feelings together, but it is key that Philip is able to stop, really think about whether he is upset or not, and give me an honest answer. His ability to say, “Yes, I’m upset,” allows both of us to move forward in helping him to feel better again. If he says, “No,” then he knows that I am going to believe his “No.” In the space after our conversation, he might realize like Jamie’s husband that he’s upset about something else. Or, he may just need some time to think about why he’s acting the way he is and realize that, yes, something is bothering him. If Philip tells me that he’s not upset about something when he realizes that he really is, then it’s up to him to let me know that. He can’t hold me accountable to hurt feelings he has told me he doesn’t have.
Meanwhile, I tend to spew and explode. It’s rare for Philip to need to ask me, “Are you upset?” because I’ll take the first chance I get to share my hurt feelings. Oh, yes, I’ll tell him! And I’ll tell him alllllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why I’m upset, and alllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why it’s his fault. Aren’t I darling? When I’m feeling extra rotten, I might even throw in unrelated reasons to be upset. After I’m done spewing and exploding, that’s Philip’s chance to make sure the volcano is done erupting and ask if I’m still upset. That’s my chance to give my “Yes” or “No.” If I say, “No,” then I need to know that Philip is going to believe me and move on, expecting me to move on. If I’m still upset and get ticked off that he’s acting like things are all hunky dory, then that’s on me, and I need to put my big girl pants on and say, “Actually, I’m still upset because…”
“Their Invitation is Your Permission” within marriage is so freeing. When I give Philip an invitation to share his hurt feelings, he knows that that’s his opportunity to share all of it. When I finish unloading my hurt feelings, Philip gives me an invitation to make sure I’ve shared my entire heart. 2 important things need to happen for us to truly accept the invitation:
- Believe we are safe unloading our entire hearts
- Be willing to unpack the entire hurt together
First, we need to believe that we are safe unloading our entire hearts. The person on the receiving end needs to be able to hear all of the reasons why the other person is hurting, and the person sharing needs to be able to do that without fear of telling the truth. This does not mean that the person on the receiving end will agree with everything that is said. I repeat: this does not mean that we are always going to agree with what the hurt person says. The person on the receiving end only needs to be able to listen without interruption and repeat back what they heard. We learned this game changer idea when we read Dr. Harvey Karp’s The Happiest Baby on the Block when we were preparing for the birth of our first child. Dr. Karp calls this the “Fast Food Rule (FFR)” and describes it as a helpful way to engage the irrational toddler brain when they are upset. Unsurprisingly, the FFR works great with an upset spouse, too! At a fast food restaurant, the person who is hungry talks first. Only when they have completed telling their order to the person in the window does the employee ask for clarification. “Do you want ketchup with that?” Only when the order is complete does the employee repeat back the order and ask if they got it right. In conversation, the FFR works like this: the person who is most “hungry” (upset) talks first. They tell their “order” (all of the reasons why they are upset). Only when the person who is upset is done speaking does the other person ask clarifying questions. It is so important that they remember they are only asking questions to clarify what they heard and are not interjecting to insert their version of what happened. Whether or not we choose to believe that we’re safe unloading all of our hearts hinges on the other person’s ability to listen calmly and objectively. Then, once the person “taking the order” is confident that they understand, they repeat back what they heard. “So you’re frustrated about x because x, is that right?” This is the turning point of most of our marital conflict. When we’re upset, we unload the reasons why we’re upset, our spouse listens, and they’re able to repeat back exactly what they heard, something amazing happens. We feel understood and, more often than not, roughly 90% of the tension goes away. Whether or not our spouse agrees with us at this point, we know moving forward that they get it. They might not agree with why we are upset, but they understand why we are so hurt. A spouse who is willing to patiently listen until they understand why we are hurting is usually willing to go the remaining 10% to find a solution that will bring about reconciliation and forgiveness.
If we accept the invitation to completely and safely unload our hearts until we get to a place where we feel understood, we’re ready to do the second part of the invitation: unpacking the entire hurt together. Alone, we might not realize all of the facets of why the problem is irking us, but we can usually figure it out together. Sometimes, the hurt is a symptom of a bigger problem. When Philip tells me that he’s feeling micromanaged, the problem isn’t his unwillingness to do a task to a high standard; it’s about the disrespect he feels from my nitpicking. When I tell Philip that he has been unfriendly, it’s not because he has been saying mean things or or has been unhelpful; instead, I’m probably needing a hug or more than a passing conversation. Once we’re unpacked the entire hurt, we understand moving forward how to either avoid it or stop the cycle from repeating itself in the future.
When we choose to accept those invitations as our permission to be vulnerable in our hurt, we encourage the other to be receptive to why we are hurting. When we are offered a sincere invitation to share our hearts, we act less like cagey animals and more like the wounded people that we are. It is so worth it to be brave with each other. After awhile, it stops feeling like being brave, and it starts feeling like stepping stones toward even greater intimacy. Next time you’re feeling some tension in your marriage, give your spouse an invitation to be vulnerable with their hurt. Follow the Fast Food Rule, and give them permission to completely and safely unload. Then, be willing to unpack the entire hurt together. See if it doesn’t change the way you work through conflict. Your invitation is their permission toward healing.
![Switching to the Marquette Method of NFP]()
by Catherine | Aug 2, 2016 | Marriage
Last weekend concluded NFP (Natural Family Planning) Awareness Week. If you don’t know what that is, read my old post here.
Philip and I learned the Creighton Model during our engagement and used the Creighton Model to help us achieve pregnancies, space pregnancies, and determine when I was having hormonal issues like low progesterone. After using the Creighton Model of NFP for 8 years, we decided to start researching other methods when I was pregnant with Dorothy. We absolutely LOVE Pope Paul VI Institute and learned a lot about our fertility through the Creighton Model. However, we decided it was time to explore other methods because we struggle with a mucus-only NFP method during the postpartum phase.
Like most women, I have a variable return of cervical mucus when breastfeeding. To further complicate matters, I have varied in the amount of time I’ve been able to breastfeed each baby, so even though this is our fourth baby (and fifth pregnancy), I still don’t have a gauge for when I should expect my period to return or what is/isn’t true peak mucus before my cycles return. In a gist, the Creighton Model works by having the woman observe her cervical mucus every time she uses the restroom. Based on her observations, she knows whether or not she is ovulating. The couple can use that information to determine whether they can engage in the marital act to achieve their goal of achieving or avoiding pregnancy.
The Creighton Model was fabulous for us when my cycles returned after previous pregnancies and things more or less returned like clockwork. However, those weeks or months postpartum before my cycles returned after each pregnancy involved a lot of uncertainty due to my variable return of mucus. Due to the uncertainty, that meant a lot of abstaining. A lot.
May I also remind you that I get super duper sick during pregnancy? I was on anti-nausea medicine with Dorothy until 34 weeks. Let me just put that information out there to let you deduce that pregnancy in this marriage also equates to a lot of abstaining. Then, there’s the minimum 6 week postpartum rule. After that, we knew we’d be entering into the “it’s anybody’s guess whether this is peak mucus or not” territory.
We wanted to learn a new method that would give us more certainty for the postpartum time. Ultimately, we decided on the Marquette Method of NFP. We wanted a method that would help us to achieve our goals of:
- spacing our children
- using the information we gained from the Creighton Model
- being together as much as possible as husband and wife
I’m 4 months postpartum, I’m still nursing, and my cycle is nowhere in sight. Just like before, I’m experiencing that variable return of mucus. We are just getting started with Marquette, but I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief it has been!
Marquette can work a couple of different ways. Philip and I have decided to use the Marquette Model by charting both our mucus readings and the readings from our Clearblue Fertility Monitor.
With the Marquette Model, the mucus readings more or less build on the education we gained from the Creighton Model. The Marquette Model rules for mucus are much, much more simplified than Creighton. Your only options for charting mucus with Marquette are Low, High, or Peak. When it comes to this portion of charting, I am so very grateful for our background with Creighton. The training and charting with the Creighton Model involved a much, much more detailed description of what was going on with the mucus. With our background from Creighton, I’m confident going forward that we will be able to identify when something is wackadoodle and needing a physician’s help.
The Clearblue Fertility Monitor is why we switched to Marquette. We were looking for some objective information we could bring to the table when determining when I’m ovulating. With a mucus-only model like Creighton, we were dependent solely upon my mucus observations. With the monitor, we have additional information to rely on. The Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor is very simple. Here’s the description of how the monitor works directly from the Clearblue Easy website:
Clearblue Ovulation Tests detect the Lutenizing Hormone (LH) surge which occurs approximately 24-36 hours prior to ovulation. This is how they help you pinpoint the 2 best days of your cycle to conceive a baby – the day before ovulation and the day of ovulation itself. So, if you have sex on these two days, you’ll be giving yourself the best chance of getting pregnant.
The Clearblue Fertility Monitor with Touch Screen tracks two hormones. It not only detects the LH surge and pinpoints your 2 Peak Fertility days, but also identifies typically up to 5 additional fertile days when you may conceive (High Fertility days) by detecting the rise in estrogen which occurs immediately before this LH surge. As your partner’s sperm can survive in your body for several days, having sex on those days can also result in pregnancy.
Isn’t that awesome?! This is ideal for us because we want to know BEFORE I am going to ovulate. That way, we can be more successful in our goal to space our children. Some other NFP methods have a woman take her basal body temperature (BBT) when she first wakes up. That’s your body’s temperature when at rest. The problem with this method for us is two-fold: I don’t wake up at the same time every day with these kiddos, and the temperature increase occurs after ovulation. This would make things riskier when trying to avoid a pregnancy as sperm can live for a few days during the woman’s peak fertility of her cycle.
Back to the Clearblue Fertility Monitor…The monitor gives 3 possible readings: Low, High, or Peak. Low means that there is a low likelihood of getting pregnant. High means that an increase in estrogen is detected and that it is highly possible to get pregnant that day. Peak means that the monitor is also detecting the LH surge. After the 2nd Peak day, the user will know that she is likely ovulating the next day. The monitor automatically gives a High reading after the second Peak day.
A disadvantage of the monitor is that it is *possible* for the monitor to miss the LH surge. Marquette claims that it misses it in about 1 out of every 10 cycles. For that reason, Philip and I are continuing to chart my mucus observations in conjunction with the monitor. When we have conflicting information from my mucus observations and the monitor, we have an additional tool at our disposal: Wondfo LH testing strips. These testing strips check my LH level as well. I haven’t had to yet, but I will use these testing strips when we get conflicting information. For example, if I have peak mucus but get a low reading on the monitor, this could either mean that the monitor missed my LH surge OR it could just be my variable return of mucus being wackadoodle. Our hope is that by continuing to chart my mucus AND monitor readings over the course of these next few months, we’ll get a better sense of what my non-peak mucus looks like during the postpartum time (the fake-out, “you’re not really ovulating” stuff) while still putting the information from the Creighton Model to good use.
Another disadvantage of the Marquette Model is the cost. The Clearblue Easy Monitor is pricey. It’s regularly $229. (Great news for you, though! For whatever reason, the Clearblue Fertility Monitor is on sale on Amazon right now. I have no idea how much longer this price will stay. Nevermind that I bought it at full price just a few weeks ago…) The testing sticks for the monitor are $30-35 for 30 testing sticks. Gulp. I know. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, all of that being said, Philip and I agree that the monitor and testing sticks are WELL worth the investment for us. Without the monitor, we would be abstaining ALL THE TIME during these crazy postpartum months. As Philip would say, “No bueno.” The best part of all is having some objective data to rely upon in addition to my mucus observations while breastfeeding. There are special instructions for using the monitor while breastfeeding before your cycles return. Basically, you’re creating artificial menstrual cycles with the monitor and testing over and over again until your period returns or you get a High or Peak reading. (The instructions are very thorough and leave little room for interpretation–a dream come true for a postpartum mama needing some objective help!)
So, there you have it. That’s my long way of explaining why we switched from Creighton to Marquette for these crazy postpartum months. We still love you, Creighton Model, and we’re grateful for Pope Paul VI Institute for the gift you’ve been in our marriage. We’re just baby Marquette users, so I’ll probably circle back to give an update all of this when my cycles return. For now, we are thrilled with our switch to Marquette.
![What Love Looks Like]()
by Catherine | May 18, 2016 | Family, Marriage
In this newborn chapter, Philip and I are making it a point to have one-on-one dates with the kids to help them feel connected to us. Last weekend was Jane’s turn to have some special time with me. After stopping at the book store to pick out a new read-aloud, we took a break for lunch at Chipotle.
While Jane and I were enjoying our lunch, several patrons came in and out. My back was to the entrance, so I was a bit startled when an elderly gentleman used the back of my seat to steady himself. Jane watched him make his way toward the utensils, napkins, and condiments. It’s always an adventure being out in public with a kindergartener because you never know what will come out of their mouths! It’s also an adventure because you never know what they’ll help you to observe that you might have otherwise ignored.
“Mama, why is he bent over like that?”
The man’s back was bent at what looked to be a painful position. It took him great effort to walk across the restaurant as he steadied himself, holding the chair backs at each table.
“Some people’s backs get weak as they get older, so they start to bend over like that, but some people are born with backs that are already bent that way.”
While we munched on our special lunch and talked about all of Jane’s latest kindergarten (mis)adventures, the gentleman must have made half a dozen painstaking trips across the restaurant, steadying himself on my chair each time he passed. One trip for napkins to wipe down the booth table. Another trip for utensils. Another trip for straws. When he was done, his booth had what Miss Manners Emily Post would call two picture-perfect place settings across from each other.
Fork on the left.
Napkin placed underneath the fork.
Knife and spoon on the right.
Knife blade facing inward.
Straws in their paper parallel to where the burritos would go. Almost as if they were dessert forks.
In a booth. In a Chipotle.
It took him visible effort and pain to go to this extra trouble, but he kept a smile on his face as he worked. He moved slowly but with a determined pace. At last, he was satisfied with his work. He took a seat to wait for his lunch companion to join him at his beautifully appointed booth.
Since my back had been to the entrance when he walked in, I wasn’t sure who he was with. A few minutes later, a woman who appeared to be in her forties joined him at the booth with their meals. “That must be his daughter,” I thought. She set the food out for the two of them, and didn’t seem to notice the place settings that he had gone to so much trouble to set. Instead of being internally irked for him, I was kind of thrilled. It meant that this sort of thing was routine for him. His loved ones had come to expect these not-so-little efforts of love on their behalf.
It instantly made me think of an article that had popped up on my Facebook newsfeed earlier in the week. It was called, “Outdated Rules for the 1950’s Housewife.”
I had to agree with the author that many of the guidelines for a “good wife” were more than a tad ridiculous. “Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.” Uh, say what? Snopes and a few other places have claimed that this 1950’s article is actually a hoax. Regardless of whether it is a hoax or not, I hope we can all agree that a lot of the content reflected the misogyny of the era, but there’s a lot of good advice sandwiched in with the bad.
Many of the “guidelines” boil down to trying to make the home a peaceful haven for your spouse and the entire family.
- Keep homecomings pleasant with fewer distractions
- Freshen up before you’ll see each other (Remember when you were dating?)
- Try to have a warm meal ready for everyone to enjoy
- Be cheerful whenever possible to lift each other up
- Clear the clutter to make the home more welcoming
- Don’t greet each other with complaints or problems
Sitting at Chipotle last Saturday, I watched that elderly gentleman from that so-called misogynistic era work to set a beautiful booth when most would say it didn’t matter. He didn’t seem to think there was anything extraordinary in what he was doing. He did what he did because he seemed to think that that’s what you do when you eat a meal with someone you love. To him, it seemed to be a pleasure to work in this way and serve his daughter. I wonder if he was a widower and was living with his daughter. Ironically, the guy from the misogynistic era was working his tail off to serve his daughter who didn’t even seem to notice! Yet, he didn’t seem upset by it. It was visibly a pleasure for him to still be able to love and serve someone in this way.
And isn’t that what love does? Isn’t that what love looks like? All of those little, seemingly insignificant things that add up to an unfathomable amount of love on your behalf?
The full gas tank. A changed diaper. “You’re doing great!” Flowers just because. The last piece of cake. “You’re enough.” A head scratch. Wrestling the kids. “I’ll feed the baby. You sleep.” A surprise day off from work. Takeout from a favorite restaurant.
How many of those things have I stopped noticing? What grand gestures of love am I missing because I’ve come to expect them? Have my loved ones come to expect these things from me, or have they stopped expecting them because they don’t happen anymore?
Love is a beautifully set booth at Chipotle. Just because. That’s what love does–even if no one notices but the mother and kindergartener across the room.
![Navigating the Newborn Phase: Minimums]()
by Catherine | May 4, 2016 | Family, Marriage, The Homefront
Since “the domestic church” mirrors the Triune God’s Love, I’m convinced there’s nothing the accuser relishes more than trying to tear apart marriages. With each baby, Philip and I learn some new tricks to help us navigate the newborn phase a bit more smoothly. In this series, I’d like to share those tips and tricks in the hopes that they’ll help you the next time you find yourself in the newborn or other variety of survival mode.
Today, I’m tackling what Philip and I call minimums. Minimums are exactly what they sound like–the very least that you’d like happening in your world in order for you to keep your sanity.
A few weeks before Dorothy was born, I was getting anxious about entering back into the newborn phase. I may or may not have started catastrophizing as the hormones took over after a long day, and I started thinking of all of the ways the newborn phase would be difficult for us.
When I catastrophize, I come up with all of the worst case scenarios on any given day or moment.
“We’re never going to be able to…”
“But what if…?”
“How in the world are we going to…?”
“I don’t think I can…”
“I already feel like I’m drowning, so how am I going to _________ with FOUR kids?!”
Combine the crazy extremes with hormones and lack of sleep from all of the contractions, and it all seemed like pretty legit reasoning in my head.
Enter my knight in shining armor and voice of reason husband, Philip. He ever-so-gently brought me back to reality, reminding me that we’ve had a couple of kids, that we’ve survived survival mode a few times, and that we were better prepared than ever to welcome a new baby into our family. Even so, I asked if we could take a few minutes to discuss our minimums for when Baby arrived.
My minimums:
- A shower every morning
- A tidy family room
- Our open concept kitchen looks into the family room. Before the kids go to bed, I like to have the room put back in order–pillows neatly arranged on the furniture, books in the baskets, and toys back in the cupboard. The toys in the family room were starting to take longer for the kids to pick up every evening, so I did a purge a few weeks before Dorothy’s arrival. Since purging the family room toys, the kids are able to tidy the room faster and they play with the toys more frequently. They haven’t even asked for the toys that disappeared.
- A tidy kitchen
- Cleared off and clean countertops
- Cleared off and clean kitchen table
- Empty sink and dishes loaded in the dishwasher (ideally running overnight)
- Trash emptied
- 6 hours of sleep (not necessarily continuous)
- 1 load of laundry everyday
- Kids maintaining their morning & evening jobs
- making beds
- dirty clothes down the laundry chute
- tidying bedrooms
- getting dressed without destroying the order of their drawers or closets
- Regular breaks away from the kids (blogging, walks with Monty, naps)
- Getting outside of the house for at least 15 minutes everyday
- Once a month date night
- Time to connect with Philip (and talk with an adult!) every night for half an hour
- Pumping in the morning starting at 3 weeks postpartum
- This relieves me from the anxiety of feeling tethered and the stress of having to always be available to breastfeed. Being free to take occasional breaks keeps me sane.
- Multiple hugs everyday and lots of verbal cheerleading from Philip
- A Mother’s Helper for a few hours a few days a week
I won’t share all of Philip’s minimums, but the highlights include: eating, sleeping, and words of affirmation from me. We all have our things. For me, clean kitchen counters bring peace. For Philip, hearing that he’s a great husband and father will get him through just about any day around here.
With each child, we’ve gotten better about advocating for our own minimums and working to meet (and exceed) them for each other. Knowing each other’s minimums helps us to give ourselves permission to lower the bar on everything else. Then, when we do exceed the minimums, it makes us feel like absolute rock stars! Slowly but surely, Baby gets a little older, we start getting more sleep, and we start exceeding the minimums on a regular basis as we find our new rhythm.
Photo by L Guerra Photography
We’re still very much in the trenches of the minimums stage, but I am pleased to report that this has been our easiest transition yet. I wouldn’t say that it has been easy, but it hasn’t been nearly as difficult as it was in the past. Having our minimums in place went a long way in bringing peace to the day-to-day around here.
Doesn’t it look peaceful around here?
Photo by L Guerra Photography
What are your minimums when you’re in survival mode?
