![Janie's Sticker Chart Update]()
by Catherine | Jul 12, 2012 | Family
A few weeks ago, I wrote about how I was introducing a sticker chart as a tool to encourage good behavior for Janie. Here’s what the original chart looked like:
The gist of the sticker chart is this: I choose 3 behaviors–2 that Janie is already doing well, and 1 that I want her to work on. When I observe Janie doing the behavior, I praise her and announce that I am putting a sticker on her chart. (We put ours on the refrigerator.) When she asks, I let her put the sticker on the chart.
This version of catching her being good is working extremely well. After the first week of completing the chart, I printed off the exact same one. Dr. Karp, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block (the book where I got this idea), recommends working on the same skills for two weeks at a time before introducing new skills.
The skill that I wanted Janie to work on the first two weeks was waiting. We practiced this skill as much as possible. If she asked for something, I’d start to do it and say, “Oh! Mommy almost forgot! Mommy has to __________. Wait, please.” Then, I’d do something like use the restroom, empty the trash, put a few dishes into the dishwasher, etc. before giving her something or helping her.
If I was in the middle of doing something that would take longer to finish before I could give her my attention, I introduced the kitchen timer. I would say, “Mommy’s busy right now. You need to wait. When the timer goes ‘beep, beep, beep’ I can help you.” By the end of the first week, I was setting the timer for 5 minutes, and I have been able to stretch her waiting to much longer. By the time she hears the “beep, beep, beep” of the timer, she’s usually so absorbed with her new activity that she’s forgotten about her request. As tempting as it is to act as though I forgot, I make it a point to show her that the timer has gone off and that I can help her with what she asked for. This way, she learns that waiting is something that is rewarded–even if it’s just praise and she decides that she doesn’t want to color anymore after all.
We’re on week 4 of the sticker chart, and I’ve kept “waiting” and “eye drops” on there. The new skill is “getting into carseat.”
Miss Daredevil Janie has decided that it’s funny to try to get into the front seat of the van while I am buckling Walt into his carseat. She climbs up there, pushing the buttons and giggling because she knows she’s not supposed to do that and that it’s dangerous. She knows because as she’s doing it, she says, “Janie, no get in front seat! It’s daaaaaaaaaaangerous!”
During week 3, the first week of introducing “getting into carseat” as a skill, she continued to resist. For whatever reason, two days ago Janie decided that she’s on board with getting into her carseat. When I was putting the kids into the van to go grocery shopping, Janie even said with a big grin, “Look, Mama! I buckle myself in carseat! All by myself!” Since we had been giving her over-the-top praise for getting in her carseat, she wanted me to fall all over myself seeing how she had gone above and beyond, trying to even buckle herself in. Later in the day, hours after we got home from the grocery store, Janie asked, “Mama, go in carseat again? You so proud of me?”
Of course, we’ll cut back on the over-the-top praise as each skill becomes a habit, and we’ll switch out those skills for new ones on the sticker chart. Janie relishes nothing more than knowing that Mommy and Daddy are proud of her. Hearing me tell Daddy about her good (or bad) behavior at the dinner table and how it made me feel has a big effect. When she sees Philip’s reaction to the day’s report, she’ll chime in with, “I made Mommy so happy! I got in carseat all by myself!” or, “I hit Walter. Mommy was sad.”
When I “gossip” about her good behavior to the stuffed animals or pretend to call Grandma on the phone to tell her all about it, she looks like she’s going to burst with pride. If I “gossip” about something bad that she’s doing, she almost instantly corrects it. For example, if Janie starts to act like she’s going to jump into the front seat instead of her carseat, I’ll say to Walt as I buckle him in, “Walt, I wish Janie got into her big girl carseat like you do. You are good at getting into your carseat!” When she hears this, she almost always starts climbing into her carseat on her own. When she sees my smile and I say, “Wow! Good choice. Thank you for getting into your carseat. When we get home, you can put a sticker on your sticker chart!” she beams.
So, 4 weeks into the sticker chart, we’re still loving it and we’re still reaping the rewards. At the end of each week, I present Janie with a very small surprise (a special treat or something $1 in value or less that I picked up at the store). I say, “Janie, let’s look at your sticker chart. You did such a good job of getting into your carseat, waiting, and putting in your eyedrops. Mommy and Daddy are very proud of you. Since you did such a good job, here is a special surprise.” Then, I present her with the little surprise. Last week, I gave her a small $.99 spiral-bound Abby (from Sesame Street) notebook. You’d think it was worth a million dollars! Once the excitement of the little surprise stops distracting her, I show her the new sticker chart for the week and say, “This week, we are going to work on _______, ________, and _________. When you _______, ________, or __________, we’ll put a sticker on your chart.” Then, I ask her in my best cheerleader voice, “Can you do it?” She gives me a big, “Yea!” and we put it up on the fridge.
![Janie’s Sticker Chart Update]()
by Catherine | Jul 12, 2012 | Family
A few weeks ago, I wrote about how I was introducing a sticker chart as a tool to encourage good behavior for Janie. Here’s what the original chart looked like:
The gist of the sticker chart is this: I choose 3 behaviors–2 that Janie is already doing well, and 1 that I want her to work on. When I observe Janie doing the behavior, I praise her and announce that I am putting a sticker on her chart. (We put ours on the refrigerator.) When she asks, I let her put the sticker on the chart.
This version of catching her being good is working extremely well. After the first week of completing the chart, I printed off the exact same one. Dr. Karp, author of The Happiest Toddler on the Block (the book where I got this idea), recommends working on the same skills for two weeks at a time before introducing new skills.
The skill that I wanted Janie to work on the first two weeks was waiting. We practiced this skill as much as possible. If she asked for something, I’d start to do it and say, “Oh! Mommy almost forgot! Mommy has to __________. Wait, please.” Then, I’d do something like use the restroom, empty the trash, put a few dishes into the dishwasher, etc. before giving her something or helping her.
If I was in the middle of doing something that would take longer to finish before I could give her my attention, I introduced the kitchen timer. I would say, “Mommy’s busy right now. You need to wait. When the timer goes ‘beep, beep, beep’ I can help you.” By the end of the first week, I was setting the timer for 5 minutes, and I have been able to stretch her waiting to much longer. By the time she hears the “beep, beep, beep” of the timer, she’s usually so absorbed with her new activity that she’s forgotten about her request. As tempting as it is to act as though I forgot, I make it a point to show her that the timer has gone off and that I can help her with what she asked for. This way, she learns that waiting is something that is rewarded–even if it’s just praise and she decides that she doesn’t want to color anymore after all.
We’re on week 4 of the sticker chart, and I’ve kept “waiting” and “eye drops” on there. The new skill is “getting into carseat.”
Miss Daredevil Janie has decided that it’s funny to try to get into the front seat of the van while I am buckling Walt into his carseat. She climbs up there, pushing the buttons and giggling because she knows she’s not supposed to do that and that it’s dangerous. She knows because as she’s doing it, she says, “Janie, no get in front seat! It’s daaaaaaaaaaangerous!”
During week 3, the first week of introducing “getting into carseat” as a skill, she continued to resist. For whatever reason, two days ago Janie decided that she’s on board with getting into her carseat. When I was putting the kids into the van to go grocery shopping, Janie even said with a big grin, “Look, Mama! I buckle myself in carseat! All by myself!” Since we had been giving her over-the-top praise for getting in her carseat, she wanted me to fall all over myself seeing how she had gone above and beyond, trying to even buckle herself in. Later in the day, hours after we got home from the grocery store, Janie asked, “Mama, go in carseat again? You so proud of me?”
Of course, we’ll cut back on the over-the-top praise as each skill becomes a habit, and we’ll switch out those skills for new ones on the sticker chart. Janie relishes nothing more than knowing that Mommy and Daddy are proud of her. Hearing me tell Daddy about her good (or bad) behavior at the dinner table and how it made me feel has a big effect. When she sees Philip’s reaction to the day’s report, she’ll chime in with, “I made Mommy so happy! I got in carseat all by myself!” or, “I hit Walter. Mommy was sad.”
When I “gossip” about her good behavior to the stuffed animals or pretend to call Grandma on the phone to tell her all about it, she looks like she’s going to burst with pride. If I “gossip” about something bad that she’s doing, she almost instantly corrects it. For example, if Janie starts to act like she’s going to jump into the front seat instead of her carseat, I’ll say to Walt as I buckle him in, “Walt, I wish Janie got into her big girl carseat like you do. You are good at getting into your carseat!” When she hears this, she almost always starts climbing into her carseat on her own. When she sees my smile and I say, “Wow! Good choice. Thank you for getting into your carseat. When we get home, you can put a sticker on your sticker chart!” she beams.
So, 4 weeks into the sticker chart, we’re still loving it and we’re still reaping the rewards. At the end of each week, I present Janie with a very small surprise (a special treat or something $1 in value or less that I picked up at the store). I say, “Janie, let’s look at your sticker chart. You did such a good job of getting into your carseat, waiting, and putting in your eyedrops. Mommy and Daddy are very proud of you. Since you did such a good job, here is a special surprise.” Then, I present her with the little surprise. Last week, I gave her a small $.99 spiral-bound Abby (from Sesame Street) notebook. You’d think it was worth a million dollars! Once the excitement of the little surprise stops distracting her, I show her the new sticker chart for the week and say, “This week, we are going to work on _______, ________, and _________. When you _______, ________, or __________, we’ll put a sticker on your chart.” Then, I ask her in my best cheerleader voice, “Can you do it?” She gives me a big, “Yea!” and we put it up on the fridge.
![Dad's 60th Birthday Present]()
by Catherine | Jul 10, 2012 | Family
Dad turned 60 on the Fourth of July. My five siblings, our spouses, and I wanted to do something really special for him. After reading this blog post, I decided we could adapt that blogger’s idea. The blogger mailed all of her dad’s friends and family members a letter asking them to contribute a nostalgic memory about her dad. She compiled the letters and stuck them into separate envelopes for her dad to open and read.
While very cute, I thought this idea would be more tedious than necessary. The Type-A personality in me instantly thought, “Well, what do you do with all of those letters when they’re opened? Don’t you want to contain them? And, is Dad actually going to open every single envelope and read them at the party?” Instead, we decided we would collect letters into a scrapbook for Dad to flip through at the party and read through later on his own.
Here’s the text of the letter we sent out. I’ve omitted certain information for privacy’s sake:
Greetings!
If you’re receiving this letter, you probably already know that our Dad, __________, is turning 60 this Fourth of July. To commemorate this milestone birthday, we would like to put together a surprise to let him know that all of his friends and family are thinking of him. We are going to create a “Sixty Years of Memories” book full of your memories, well wishes, and photographs.
This is where you come in!
If you have a spare moment in the next few days, we would be so grateful if you could please write about a memory you have of our dad. Please don’t labor over this! Feel free to mention anything you like — although the more nostalgic the better! If you struggle to come up with a memory, a simple happy birthday wish would be very much appreciated.
Please keep 3 things in mind:
1. Please keep your note on one side of the enclosed paper.
2. Don’t forget to sign your full name!
3. Please submit your letter by June 30th if you would like your note to be included in the book.
All of the notes will be compiled and placed into a scrapbook. By following the above instructions, Dad will know who wrote the note and be able to read it without pulling the note out to see the other side. Feel free to include any photos or mementos to go into the book with your written message. Younger family members and friends can contribute drawings of Dad if they’d like. Please ask the young artists to sign their masterpieces, too!
Please use the stationery (or your own paper, no larger than 8.5” x 11”) and the enclosed envelope to send your written memories, photos, and mementos to:
(My mailing address)
or e-mail them to:
(My e-mail address)
If you know of anyone who would like to participate, please pass along this information to them, and ask them to also send their letters to Catherine.
Thank you so much for participating. We know you’re all very busy, and we appreciate your taking the time to help make Dad’s birthday special. Shhhhhhhhh!!! It’s a surprise!
With love and gratitude,
_______’s Children
Before sending out the letters, we had to compile our list of mailing addresses. Without having access to Dad’s electronic address book, some addresses took some serious detective work! With the help of WhitePages.com and several phone calls, we were able to track down everyone. I didn’t get a single “Return to Sender” letter back!
Some of you are probably thinking, “That’s crazy! Why don’t you just e-mail all of these people and ask them for a response?” Well, sure, that would have been easy, but there are a few reasons we didn’t. We liked the idea of handwritten notes to add to the nostalgia and character of the book. We also knew we’d struggle to get e-mail addresses of a lot of these people–many of whom don’t e-mail. Also, experience told us that a group e-mail wouldn’t receive as many or responses of high quality. The added bonus of sending an actual letter was that people would respond with tangible photos and mementos.
After finding the addresses, we stuffed the envelopes with:
- The letter explaining our “60 Years of Memories” book
- Stationery for the person to write their note on
- Another envelope with my address and the postage paid to increase the likelihood of a response
Here are all of the envelopes before we took them to the post office.
The fun began a few days later when I started receiving responses. For a few weeks, I was receiving as many as six letters a day! As I received the letters, I spent the kids’ naptime mounting the letters, photographs, and other mementos into the scrapbook.
Unfortunately, I’m a dingaling, and I forgot to get a picture of the finished book before I wrapped it. Maybe I’ll take a few pictures of the book next time I’m at Mom and Dad’s house.
Here’s the sequence of Dad opening the book and taking it all in at our family party for him.
 |
| Opening the present. |
 |
| The book is about 3 inches thick. I had to put 5 refill packs of pages in there! I inserted the letter we sent out on the front page so that Dad could see it, and I explained what the book was. |
 |
| Still absorbing that he was holding a book full of notes from so many people for him. |
 |
| We made the man cry! Success! |
 |
| Overwhelmed looking at all of the kind notes from his friends and family. |
 |
| The colorful drawings are from the grandbabies. The oldest grandchild drew a picture of Dad on the sideline of his soccer game, cheering him on. |
 |
| Look at that smile! |
 |
| I sat next to him so that I could point out a few things in the book. His godmother sent a newspaper clipping of him from the ’50s! |
 |
| A letter from Dad’s best friend and pictures from his wedding (when Dad was his best man) |
 |
| Telling all of us that he “can’t believe it” as he got to the last page. |
It was so much fun receiving the letters everyday and seeing my Dad through the lenses of his friends and our family. The contributors to the book identified different memories and things that they loved about Dad. The letters ranged from sentimental to downright hysterical. I especially loved reading my mom’s 2-page bullet-point list of favorite memories. Some, she told us, will “remain in code because we’re allowed to have some inside jokes.”
To all of the contributors–childhood neighbors, classmates, fraternity brothers, coworkers, hunting buddies, lifelong buddies, and family–a VERY big thank you to each and every one of you for taking the time to make Dad’s 60th birthday one that he’ll never forget!
![Dad’s 60th Birthday Present]()
by Catherine | Jul 10, 2012 | Family
Dad turned 60 on the Fourth of July. My five siblings, our spouses, and I wanted to do something really special for him. After reading this blog post, I decided we could adapt that blogger’s idea. The blogger mailed all of her dad’s friends and family members a letter asking them to contribute a nostalgic memory about her dad. She compiled the letters and stuck them into separate envelopes for her dad to open and read.
While very cute, I thought this idea would be more tedious than necessary. The Type-A personality in me instantly thought, “Well, what do you do with all of those letters when they’re opened? Don’t you want to contain them? And, is Dad actually going to open every single envelope and read them at the party?” Instead, we decided we would collect letters into a scrapbook for Dad to flip through at the party and read through later on his own.
Here’s the text of the letter we sent out. I’ve omitted certain information for privacy’s sake:
Greetings!
If you’re receiving this letter, you probably already know that our Dad, __________, is turning 60 this Fourth of July. To commemorate this milestone birthday, we would like to put together a surprise to let him know that all of his friends and family are thinking of him. We are going to create a “Sixty Years of Memories” book full of your memories, well wishes, and photographs.
This is where you come in!
If you have a spare moment in the next few days, we would be so grateful if you could please write about a memory you have of our dad. Please don’t labor over this! Feel free to mention anything you like — although the more nostalgic the better! If you struggle to come up with a memory, a simple happy birthday wish would be very much appreciated.
Please keep 3 things in mind:
1. Please keep your note on one side of the enclosed paper.
2. Don’t forget to sign your full name!
3. Please submit your letter by June 30th if you would like your note to be included in the book.
All of the notes will be compiled and placed into a scrapbook. By following the above instructions, Dad will know who wrote the note and be able to read it without pulling the note out to see the other side. Feel free to include any photos or mementos to go into the book with your written message. Younger family members and friends can contribute drawings of Dad if they’d like. Please ask the young artists to sign their masterpieces, too!
Please use the stationery (or your own paper, no larger than 8.5” x 11”) and the enclosed envelope to send your written memories, photos, and mementos to:
(My mailing address)
or e-mail them to:
(My e-mail address)
If you know of anyone who would like to participate, please pass along this information to them, and ask them to also send their letters to Catherine.
Thank you so much for participating. We know you’re all very busy, and we appreciate your taking the time to help make Dad’s birthday special. Shhhhhhhhh!!! It’s a surprise!
With love and gratitude,
_______’s Children
Before sending out the letters, we had to compile our list of mailing addresses. Without having access to Dad’s electronic address book, some addresses took some serious detective work! With the help of WhitePages.com and several phone calls, we were able to track down everyone. I didn’t get a single “Return to Sender” letter back!
Some of you are probably thinking, “That’s crazy! Why don’t you just e-mail all of these people and ask them for a response?” Well, sure, that would have been easy, but there are a few reasons we didn’t. We liked the idea of handwritten notes to add to the nostalgia and character of the book. We also knew we’d struggle to get e-mail addresses of a lot of these people–many of whom don’t e-mail. Also, experience told us that a group e-mail wouldn’t receive as many or responses of high quality. The added bonus of sending an actual letter was that people would respond with tangible photos and mementos.
After finding the addresses, we stuffed the envelopes with:
- The letter explaining our “60 Years of Memories” book
- Stationery for the person to write their note on
- Another envelope with my address and the postage paid to increase the likelihood of a response
Here are all of the envelopes before we took them to the post office.
The fun began a few days later when I started receiving responses. For a few weeks, I was receiving as many as six letters a day! As I received the letters, I spent the kids’ naptime mounting the letters, photographs, and other mementos into the scrapbook.
Unfortunately, I’m a dingaling, and I forgot to get a picture of the finished book before I wrapped it. Maybe I’ll take a few pictures of the book next time I’m at Mom and Dad’s house.
Here’s the sequence of Dad opening the book and taking it all in at our family party for him.
|
| Opening the present. |
|
| The book is about 3 inches thick. I had to put 5 refill packs of pages in there! I inserted the letter we sent out on the front page so that Dad could see it, and I explained what the book was. |
|
| Still absorbing that he was holding a book full of notes from so many people for him. |
|
| We made the man cry! Success! |
|
| Overwhelmed looking at all of the kind notes from his friends and family. |
|
| The colorful drawings are from the grandbabies. The oldest grandchild drew a picture of Dad on the sideline of his soccer game, cheering him on. |
|
| Look at that smile! |
|
| I sat next to him so that I could point out a few things in the book. His godmother sent a newspaper clipping of him from the ’50s! |
|
| A letter from Dad’s best friend and pictures from his wedding (when Dad was his best man) |
|
| Telling all of us that he “can’t believe it” as he got to the last page. |
It was so much fun receiving the letters everyday and seeing my Dad through the lenses of his friends and our family. The contributors to the book identified different memories and things that they loved about Dad. The letters ranged from sentimental to downright hysterical. I especially loved reading my mom’s 2-page bullet-point list of favorite memories. Some, she told us, will “remain in code because we’re allowed to have some inside jokes.”
To all of the contributors–childhood neighbors, classmates, fraternity brothers, coworkers, hunting buddies, lifelong buddies, and family–a VERY big thank you to each and every one of you for taking the time to make Dad’s 60th birthday one that he’ll never forget!
![The Photographer's Observations]()
by Catherine | Jul 2, 2012 | Family, Marriage
When I was younger, I didn’t really understand what was so stressful about a family photo shoot for my parents. What’s the big deal? We just showed up, smiled, and the photographer got the pictures back to us, right?
Oh, how naive I was! There’s a lot behind a successful family photo shoot–especially when little ones are involved. First, there are the individual family members’ outfits to consider. Then, there is the question of scheduling. Absolutely no scheduling a photo shoot too close to a meal or nap. Scheduling newborn photo shoots was the most stressful because of my struggles with nursing and having perpetually hungry babies. Hungry babies are not happy babies at a photo shoot! Then, you have to make sure that everyone has had a recent haircut so that they’re not looking too shaggy. In the bag, you have to include waters for the little guys, snacks for the little ones that won’t stain or leave crumbs all over the place, a brush, a lint roller, and emergency toys that will bring a smile to the little guys’ faces.
Despite all of the planning, something is bound to go wrong. If a baby hasn’t spit up or had a diaper blow out on their outfit, a toddler might refuse to smile, a button on your husband’s oxford might be unbuttoned, or your hair might be doing something crazy. The time and money invested into your one-hour photo shoot puts the pressure on all of you to get that perfect family photo of everyone. There’s something about the pressure cooker environment of a family photo shoot that makes the best of us lose our minds.
When we scheduled our last family photo shoot a few months ago, we went into it wiser having already survived a few shoots together. To prepare for this shoot, Philip and I promised each other we would do two things:
- Do anything and everything we could to plan ahead and avoid stressful day-of problems
- This included things like making a list of what we need to bring, double checking the bag’s contents before we left, and doing a quick head to toe check for each family member.
- Talk about how we are going to handle those inevitable problems ahead of time together
- Clearly and politely give suggestions if you see a problem.
- Don’t be afraid to communicate problems in front of the photographer.
- No blaming. Only problem-solving and helping.
- Divide and conquer. With 2 kiddos, it was easy playing man-to-man defense in taking care of the kids.
- Switch jobs and ask for help if you need to switch. Throughout the shoot, we said we would switch roles of helping to position kids, getting them to smile, fetching toys/snacks/brushes, etc.
- Take a break if a kid (or adult!) needs it.
- Remember that:
- We’re on the same team
- The goal is to capture our family at this moment in time
- “At this moment in time” we have a 2 and a 1-year-old
- Therefore, tears and meltdowns are likely, and we’ll be ready for them
So, the day for our shoot rolled around. We arrived on time, we didn’t forget anything at home, and the kids were in good moods. Hooray!
Ten minutes into the shoot, as we were switching the backdrop, the photographer made a few observations that stuck with me. She thanked me and Philip for “being so nice to each other.” She said that it can be really awkward as a photographer when the shoots get stressful and the family members lose their cool. We had been to this photographer a few times, so her next remark was a big compliment. “You’ve always been so sweet to each other. I remember that. It’s refreshing, so thanks.”
For a woman who has only been around our family three times for a few hours during stressful family photo shoots to remember how we talk to each other and to feel the need to thank us for it meant a lot to us. It was a good reminder that how we talk to one another, especially in stressful situations, affects our children and speaks volumes about our marriage to those around us. If we treat each other well, even in the stressful times, it will encourage others to do the same.
I recently told a friend that one of the many blessings of having children is that they force your communication skills with your spouse to be fine-tuned. “There’s no time to hold grudges! You work through your problems faster than ever because you have to, and because your one-on-one time becomes so limited, you work more than you ever have on your communication skills.”
I suppose our photographer’s assumption was that if we are patient, forgiving, encouraging, gentle, and helpful with one another in a stressful photo shoot, then we must treat each other equally well during the non-stressful times. I wish I could say that that’s always the case, but Philip and I still have our moments like any couple. Throw in Philip’s work schedule as a resident, my hormones, two children ages 2 and 1, and you have the potential for disaster. The good news is that we’re able to work through any problems faster than ever because our limited time together has forced us to really work on our communication skills.
When we got into the minivan after our photoshoot, we thanked the kids for being so good, and Philip gave me a big high five. “Good job, team!” Sure, Walt had a big meltdown toward the end and Janie forgot how to smile for most of the pictures, but Philip and I never lost our cool with each other, and we were actually laughing throughout most of the shoot. It was a far cry from our first family photo shoot with two-week-old Janie and me breaking down in tears once we reached the car. We talked about our photographer’s kind words and what they meant to us. We made a promise to one another as we pulled away to always do our best to treat one another in a way that makes others want to do the same for their spouses.
After all, it’s not just about us. Our marriage is to set an example, especially for our children, on how to love one another. It’s not always easy to be gentle, loving, and forgiving. That’s where sacramental grace comes in! Love is our “duty,” as Blessed Pope John Paul II says, and we pray for the sacramental grace to be loving–especially when we don’t feel like it. When you know that your spouse genuinely wants what is best for you and your family, it’s much easier to give the benefit of the doubt, forgive them for the things that upset you, ask for forgiveness when you’ve wronged them, and work through your problems together.
“Love then is not a utopia: it is given to mankind as a task to be carried ou
t with the help of divine grace. It is entrusted to man and woman, in the Sacrament of Matrimony, as the basic principle of their ‘duty,’ and it becomes the foundation of their mutual responsibility: first as spouses, then as father and mother. In the celebration of the Sacrament, the spouses give and receive each other, declaring their willingness to welcome children and to educate them. On this hinges human civilization, which cannot be defined as anything other than a ‘civilization of love.'” – Blessed Pope John Paul II, Letter to Families, no. 15.
Here are some of the shots from our successful shoot.
![The Photographer’s Observations]()
by Catherine | Jul 2, 2012 | Family, Marriage
When I was younger, I didn’t really understand what was so stressful about a family photo shoot for my parents. What’s the big deal? We just showed up, smiled, and the photographer got the pictures back to us, right?
Oh, how naive I was! There’s a lot behind a successful family photo shoot–especially when little ones are involved. First, there are the individual family members’ outfits to consider. Then, there is the question of scheduling. Absolutely no scheduling a photo shoot too close to a meal or nap. Scheduling newborn photo shoots was the most stressful because of my struggles with nursing and having perpetually hungry babies. Hungry babies are not happy babies at a photo shoot! Then, you have to make sure that everyone has had a recent haircut so that they’re not looking too shaggy. In the bag, you have to include waters for the little guys, snacks for the little ones that won’t stain or leave crumbs all over the place, a brush, a lint roller, and emergency toys that will bring a smile to the little guys’ faces.
Despite all of the planning, something is bound to go wrong. If a baby hasn’t spit up or had a diaper blow out on their outfit, a toddler might refuse to smile, a button on your husband’s oxford might be unbuttoned, or your hair might be doing something crazy. The time and money invested into your one-hour photo shoot puts the pressure on all of you to get that perfect family photo of everyone. There’s something about the pressure cooker environment of a family photo shoot that makes the best of us lose our minds.
When we scheduled our last family photo shoot a few months ago, we went into it wiser having already survived a few shoots together. To prepare for this shoot, Philip and I promised each other we would do two things:
- Do anything and everything we could to plan ahead and avoid stressful day-of problems
- This included things like making a list of what we need to bring, double checking the bag’s contents before we left, and doing a quick head to toe check for each family member.
- Talk about how we are going to handle those inevitable problems ahead of time together
- Clearly and politely give suggestions if you see a problem.
- Don’t be afraid to communicate problems in front of the photographer.
- No blaming. Only problem-solving and helping.
- Divide and conquer. With 2 kiddos, it was easy playing man-to-man defense in taking care of the kids.
- Switch jobs and ask for help if you need to switch. Throughout the shoot, we said we would switch roles of helping to position kids, getting them to smile, fetching toys/snacks/brushes, etc.
- Take a break if a kid (or adult!) needs it.
- Remember that:
- We’re on the same team
- The goal is to capture our family at this moment in time
- “At this moment in time” we have a 2 and a 1-year-old
- Therefore, tears and meltdowns are likely, and we’ll be ready for them
So, the day for our shoot rolled around. We arrived on time, we didn’t forget anything at home, and the kids were in good moods. Hooray!
Ten minutes into the shoot, as we were switching the backdrop, the photographer made a few observations that stuck with me. She thanked me and Philip for “being so nice to each other.” She said that it can be really awkward as a photographer when the shoots get stressful and the family members lose their cool. We had been to this photographer a few times, so her next remark was a big compliment. “You’ve always been so sweet to each other. I remember that. It’s refreshing, so thanks.”
For a woman who has only been around our family three times for a few hours during stressful family photo shoots to remember how we talk to each other and to feel the need to thank us for it meant a lot to us. It was a good reminder that how we talk to one another, especially in stressful situations, affects our children and speaks volumes about our marriage to those around us. If we treat each other well, even in the stressful times, it will encourage others to do the same.
I recently told a friend that one of the many blessings of having children is that they force your communication skills with your spouse to be fine-tuned. “There’s no time to hold grudges! You work through your problems faster than ever because you have to, and because your one-on-one time becomes so limited, you work more than you ever have on your communication skills.”
I suppose our photographer’s assumption was that if we are patient, forgiving, encouraging, gentle, and helpful with one another in a stressful photo shoot, then we must treat each other equally well during the non-stressful times. I wish I could say that that’s always the case, but Philip and I still have our moments like any couple. Throw in Philip’s work schedule as a resident, my hormones, two children ages 2 and 1, and you have the potential for disaster. The good news is that we’re able to work through any problems faster than ever because our limited time together has forced us to really work on our communication skills.
When we got into the minivan after our photoshoot, we thanked the kids for being so good, and Philip gave me a big high five. “Good job, team!” Sure, Walt had a big meltdown toward the end and Janie forgot how to smile for most of the pictures, but Philip and I never lost our cool with each other, and we were actually laughing throughout most of the shoot. It was a far cry from our first family photo shoot with two-week-old Janie and me breaking down in tears once we reached the car. We talked about our photographer’s kind words and what they meant to us. We made a promise to one another as we pulled away to always do our best to treat one another in a way that makes others want to do the same for their spouses.
After all, it’s not just about us. Our marriage is to set an example, especially for our children, on how to love one another. It’s not always easy to be gentle, loving, and forgiving. That’s where sacramental grace comes in! Love is our “duty,” as Blessed Pope John Paul II says, and we pray for the sacramental grace to be loving–especially when we don’t feel like it. When you know that your spouse genuinely wants what is best for you and your family, it’s much easier to give the benefit of the doubt, forgive them for the things that upset you, ask for forgiveness when you’ve wronged them, and work through your problems together.
“Love then is not a utopia: it is given to mankind as a task to be carried out with the help of divine grace. It is entrusted to man and woman, in the Sacrament of Matrimony, as the basic principle of their ‘duty,’ and it becomes the foundation of their mutual responsibility: first as spouses, then as father and mother. In the celebration of the Sacrament, the spouses give and receive each other, declaring their willingness to welcome children and to educate them. On this hinges human civilization, which cannot be defined as anything other than a ‘civilization of love.'” – Blessed Pope John Paul II, Letter to Families, no. 15.
Here are some of the shots from our successful shoot.
