“Have I played or recreated with them?”

by Catherine | Jun 28, 2016 | Faith, Family

To prepare for the sacrament of confession, Catholics are taught to examine their consciences in an effort to bring to mind all of the sins they committed since their last confession.  There are several different versions of examinations of consciences available.  Most are organized by questions relating to the 10 Commandments or are specific to one’s state in life (child, single, married, religious life).  I’m always seeking out new examinations.  Each examination has a way of zeroing in on specific areas I need to keep working on.

In preparation for my last meeting with my spiritual director, I read through the examination for married life through the Laudate app on my phone.  This examination went through many different questions and sorted them into 4 different categories:

1. Responsibilities to God
2. Responsibilities to my spouse
3. Responsibilities to my children
4. Responsibilities to society

One of the benefits of examinations of conscience is that they inform you of sinful behavior you might not even be aware of.  When I got to the responsibilities to my children, I came across this question:

Have I played or recreated with them?

The question stopped me in my tracks.  I read the question over and over again.  Have I played with my children?  Have I recreated with them?  I had never considered the question as a moral issue before.  I had to stop and think about how I was connecting with the kids on an average day.  Sure, I gave the kids little “time-ins” throughout the day, but I rarely took more than 10-15 minutes at a time just to play.

The Internet can’t agree on who said this quote, but I’ll give it to Dr. John Trainer:  “Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.”

Pope Francis completely agrees with Dr. Trainer.  In an address to the Pontifical Council on the Family, he said, “When I hear the confession of a young married man or woman, and they refer to their son or daughter, I ask, ‘How many children do you have?’ and they tell me. Maybe they’re expecting another question after that, but I always ask, ‘And tell me, do you play with your children? Do you waste time with your children?’ The free gift of a parent’s time is so important.”

Harry loves taking silly selfies

Since reading that examination that asked me if I’m playing with the kids, I’ve realized something heartbreaking and very sobering.  It’s hard to write this, but here goes nothing:  I treat the kids like interruptions to what I think is my real work.  I believe that they have eternal souls that I’m supposed to be molding, but I usually choose to make a god out of my housework and generally losing myself in busy-ness.

I’m not trying to unnecessarily beat myself up as a mother.  Our kids are 6, 5, almost 3, and 3 months old.  There’s a lot to juggle and balance.  I take time out of every day to make the kids feel special and connected, but if I’m honest with myself, I could be less selfish with how I approach our days.

The great news?  I can choose to change that every single day.

Since talking about the issue with Philip and taking it to prayer, I’m starting to see three things that have helped:

1. Changing my view of time
2. Remembering
3. Moving On

Changing My View of Time

I get myself into trouble when I try ordering our days around my time instead of God’s time.2  Without fail, the day always, always, always goes better when I get in my morning prayer (even if it’s just a sincere Morning Offering before my feet hit the ground) and ask God to give me wisdom in how to order our day.  When I relinquish control (and that’s hard for a control freak like me) and say, “God, how do You want me to spend this hour (or morning, afternoon, evening, etc.)?” He blesses the time more than if I start the day with my own agenda and timeframe.

It sounds so simple, doesn’t it?  If only I’d remember that wisdom every single day!  I have to keep reminding myself: It’s His time, it’s a gift He’s given me, and what I do with it is an offering for Him.  When I can remember that, it’s so much easier to say “yes” to the kids as a “yes” to Him.  Yes, I’ll play monster trucks with you in the living room.  Yes, I’ll color with you at the kitchen table.  Yes, I’ll read that book with you on the couch.

Remembering

All of us have both positive and negative memories of our childhoods.  Taking the time to try and remember those positive and negative memories of my own childhood is really helpful.  It helps me to realize what I’d like to do the same, improve upon, or change.

I forced myself to do this little thought experiment:  What would the children say about their childhoods if they were suddenly adults today?  If I’m honest, they’d probably say,

“My mom chose housework over me.”

“My mom was distracted.”

“My mom made me feel like I was interrupting her.”

“My mom was hot and cold.  She was fun on the weekends and when Dad got home, but she was usually working during the day.”

I’m starting to see that the way I’m choosing to order an average day around here is not the way I want the kids to remember it.

Moving On

One of my favorite pastimes before I began spiritual direction was ruminating.  I’d chew and chew and chew on all of the ways I had screwed up, replay the scenes in my head, and feel horrible about my shortcomings.  Fun, huh?

This Year of Mercy has been a gift in that it has taught me to move on.  Returning to the practice of monthly confession and spiritual direction has really helped me to do that.  There’s something irreplaceable about being able to sit face-to-face with the same confessor month after month.  The priest knows all of my shortcomings, administers the sacrament of confession in Persona Christi (in the Person of Christ), and encourages me to go in peace.

When I look at the crucifix, I realize that there’s a horrible price to all of my sins.  Yet, wouldn’t it be such a tragic waste for me to keep kicking myself for all of the things I’ve already confessed and been released from?  The God who died for me already moved on, so shouldn’t I do the same?  Yes!  I’m learning the answer is absolutely yes!

No more ruminating!  Instead, I’m going to keep being honest, asking for forgiveness, forgiving myself, and moving on.

Learning How To Play

This might sound kind of silly, but as part of my efforts to move on, I’m realizing that I need to learn how to play with our kids.  The kids have been excellent teachers.  When I take the time to enter into their worlds, they show me everything I need to know.  I used to think that a “good mom” looked like a summer camp counselor with pep in her step, a song for every occasion, and the energy of the Energizer Bunny.  Instead, the kids are showing me that it’s more important for me to make eye contact, show them I’m listening by asking good questions, shower them with a lot of affection, and let them lead with their interests.

I’m getting better at this recreating thing, and I’ve noticed a big difference in the kids.  For example, Jane has been putting on evening performances of “The Sound of Music” for our entire family in the basement with her Barbie dolls and Ken.  She is so confident!  Philip and I love to exchange looks during her play.  It means so much to her that the whole family will come together to sit and watch her many installments of her favorite movie.

Introducing us to the cast of characters from “The Sound of Music”

I’m still not great at playing with the kids for big chunks of time, but I’m choosing them more often than distracting myself with housework.  I’m taking it one day at a time and getting better and better at balancing the needs of the kids with my other duties.

Questions For You

How do you play with your kids?

How do you balance your responsibilities to family and home?

How do you remember your childhood?  Did your parents carve out special time just to play with you?  What did it look like?