![The 4th “P” in Our Family’s Rule of Life: Parent]()
by Catherine | Jan 28, 2015 | Family
In case you’ve missed the previous three posts in the series, I’m revisiting our Family’s Rule of Life (based on Holly Pierlot’s book, A Mother’s Rule of Life). Basically, a Rule of Life is an examination of your vocation and its essential duties so that you can put them into a proper schedule. After my introduction post in the series, I jumped into what Holly Pierlot calls the “5 P’s”:
- Prayer
- Person
- Partner
- Parent
- Provider
I’ve already looked at Prayer,Person, and Partner. Today, we’re moving on to the 4th “P”: Parent.
Holly packs a whole bunch of wisdom into this chapter. My favorite passage was her own definition of parenting.
Parenting is a call to form persons. We’re called to bring God to our children’s spirits, truth to their minds, health to their bodies, skill to their hands, beauty and creativity to their hearts, and in all this, virtue to their wills and sanctity to their souls.
After I read that for the first time last year, I thought, “Wow, what a beautiful definition.”
Then I thought, “What responsibility!”
In the later part of the chapter, Holly has some great sections on discipline and developing a routine. Do yourself a favor, and read the whole chapter sometime. Today, I’d like to focus on the first part of the chapter because there is a key element Holly brings up that I think a lot of parenting books leave out: the parents themselves.
Working on Me
In a lot of parenting books, the focus seems to be on the kids–how to get them to eat, sleep, potty train, play, exercise, learn, and the list goes on and on. Very few focus on how the parents need to improve themselves as parents in order to model what their children ought to be doing. It sounds like a “duh” comment, but I think it’s so true. This chapter made me stop and realize, “Wow, I have all of these expectations for our children, but I don’t always hold myself to the same standards.”
When I looked at the 2nd “P”: Person, I came up with several things that I wanted to improve about myself. However, my list for Person didn’t include a lot of the things I need to work on in order to improve my role as Parent.
Specifically, Holly Pierlot says that we need to work on our own attitudes. She focuses on the areas of:
- uncomplaining cheerfulness
- having a willing spirit
- commitment to an ongoing conversion
- self-control
- prayer
- reliance on God
That list made me do a little soul searching.
- When I meet a task like a glass of spilled milk or a potty training accident, do I face it with uncomplaining cheerfulness?
- Do I have a willing spirit to help my daughter play with the play-doh or my son build his 1378th configuration of his train tracks?
- Am I allowing myself to plateau in the spiritual life, or am I continually learning and challenging myself to grow closer to God?
- Do I use self-control, especially in my thoughts, words, body language, or actions?
- Do I allow the busy-ness of life to get me off track with my personal prayer routine? Is prayer regularly punctuating my day? Am I using different kinds of prayers, or am I treating God like a vending machine in the sky that I talk to only when I want something?
- How has my day so far reflected my reliance on God? Would someone know that I am a Christian based on the way I go about my day? How?
Just as we are to be channels of grace for our spouses in marriage, we are to be channels of grace for our children.
Availability, Acceptance, and Help
Remember how St. Pope John Paul II defined love as “availability, acceptance, and help”? Holly Pierlot reflects that when she talks about the ways we can be available, accepting, and helpful for our children.
Availability
- Am I making eye contact?
- Do I get down on their level when we speak to each other?
- Am I spending more time looking at screens than into their eyes?
- Are we over scheduled? Am I over scheduled?
Acceptance
- Am I giving each child dedicated one-on-one time on a regular basis? (At our house, we call it “special time.”)
- Am I approaching parenting with a one size fits all approach, or am I trying to find our children’s unique strengths, weaknesses, talents, and interests? Am I accepting of each child’s uniqueness? Is my encouragement specific to them?
Help
- Am I doing what is best for our children?
- Do the kids have healthy limits?
- Are our days a good balance of work and play? (We like to call it “holy leisure”)
Questions for You:
- How would you describe your general day-to-day attitude toward parenting? Are you running on fumes?
- Revisit the list Holly Pierlot gives us for examining our attitude toward parenting.
- What area do you struggle the most with?
- Is there an area you’ve improved on? How? I’d love to hear how you’ve overcome a weakness in this area!
- How do you show your children that you are available, accepting, and helpful?
* * *
Next time I pick up the series, I’ll look at the last “P”: Provider. While a lot of it focuses on budget and financial stuff, much of the emphasis on our Provider role is an examination of where we are putting our trust and whether or not we are being good stewards of the gifts we have been given.
![The 4th "P" in Our Family's Rule of Life: Parent]()
by Catherine | Jan 28, 2015 | Family
In case you’ve missed the previous three posts in the series, I’m revisiting our Family’s Rule of Life (based on Holly Pierlot’s book, A Mother’s Rule of Life). Basically, a Rule of Life is an examination of your vocation and its essential duties so that you can put them into a proper schedule. After my introduction post in the series, I jumped into what Holly Pierlot calls the “5 P’s”:
- Prayer
- Person
- Partner
- Parent
- Provider
I’ve already looked at Prayer,Person, and Partner. Today, we’re moving on to the 4th “P”: Parent.
Holly packs a whole bunch of wisdom into this chapter. My favorite passage was her own definition of parenting.
Parenting is a call to form persons. We’re called to bring God to our children’s spirits, truth to their minds, health to their bodies, skill to their hands, beauty and creativity to their hearts, and in all this, virtue to their wills and sanctity to their souls.
After I read that for the first time last year, I thought, “Wow, what a beautiful definition.”
Then I thought, “What responsibility!”
In the later part of the chapter, Holly has some great sections on discipline and developing a routine. Do yourself a favor, and read the whole chapter sometime. Today, I’d like to focus on the first part of the chapter because there is a key element Holly brings up that I think a lot of parenting books leave out: the parents themselves.
Working on Me
In a lot of parenting books, the focus seems to be on the kids–how to get them to eat, sleep, potty train, play, exercise, learn, and the list goes on and on. Very few focus on how the parents need to improve themselves as parents in order to model what their children ought to be doing. It sounds like a “duh” comment, but I think it’s so true. This chapter made me stop and realize, “Wow, I have all of these expectations for our children, but I don’t always hold myself to the same standards.”
When I looked at the 2nd “P”: Person, I came up with several things that I wanted to improve about myself. However, my list for Person didn’t include a lot of the things I need to work on in order to improve my role as Parent.
Specifically, Holly Pierlot says that we need to work on our own attitudes. She focuses on the areas of:
- uncomplaining cheerfulness
- having a willing spirit
- commitment to an ongoing conversion
- self-control
- prayer
- reliance on God
That list made me do a little soul searching.
- When I meet a task like a glass of spilled milk or a potty training accident, do I face it with uncomplaining cheerfulness?
- Do I have a willing spirit to help my daughter play with the play-doh or my son build his 1378th configuration of his train tracks?
- Am I allowing myself to plateau in the spiritual life, or am I continually learning and challenging myself to grow closer to God?
- Do I use self-control, especially in my thoughts, words, body language, or actions?
- Do I allow the busy-ness of life to get me off track with my personal prayer routine? Is prayer regularly punctuating my day? Am I using different kinds of prayers, or am I treating God like a vending machine in the sky that I talk to only when I want something?
- How has my day so far reflected my reliance on God? Would someone know that I am a Christian based on the way I go about my day? How?
Just as we are to be channels of grace for our spouses in marriage, we are to be channels of grace for our children.
Availability, Acceptance, and Help
Remember how St. Pope John Paul II defined love as “availability, acceptance, and help”? Holly Pierlot reflects that when she talks about the ways we can be available, accepting, and helpful for our children.
Availability
- Am I making eye contact?
- Do I get down on their level when we speak to each other?
- Am I spending more time looking at screens than into their eyes?
- Are we over scheduled? Am I over scheduled?
Acceptance
- Am I giving each child dedicated one-on-one time on a regular basis? (At our house, we call it “special time.”)
- Am I approaching parenting with a one size fits all approach, or am I trying to find our children’s unique strengths, weaknesses, talents, and interests? Am I accepting of each child’s uniqueness? Is my encouragement specific to them?
Help
- Am I doing what is best for our children?
- Do the kids have healthy limits?
- Are our days a good balance of work and play? (We like to call it “holy leisure”)
Questions for You:
- How would you describe your general day-to-day attitude toward parenting? Are you running on fumes?
- Revisit the list Holly Pierlot gives us for examining our attitude toward parenting.
- What area do you struggle the most with?
- Is there an area you’ve improved on? How? I’d love to hear how you’ve overcome a weakness in this area!
- How do you show your children that you are available, accepting, and helpful?
* * *
Next time I pick up the series, I’ll look at the last “P”: Provider. While a lot of it focuses on budget and financial stuff, much of the emphasis on our Provider role is an examination of where we are putting our trust and whether or not we are being good stewards of the gifts we have been given.
![The 2nd “P” in Our Family’s Rule of Life: Person]()
by Catherine | Jan 21, 2015 | Faith, Family, The Homefront
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m revisiting our Family’s Rule of Life (inspired by Holly Pierlot’s book, A Mother’s Rule of Life.) This is my third post in the series.
In the first post, I:
- explained what a “Rule of Life” is
- discussed my vocation (Child of God, wife, mother) and its essential duties
- shared our family’s mission statement
- set myself up to dive into the “5 P’s.”
The 5 P’s are:
- Prayer
- Person
- Partner
- Parent
- Provider
In the second post, I discussed the 1st “P”: Prayer.
Today, I’m jumping into the 2nd “P”: Person. In a nutshell, “Person” encompasses everything related to what’s going on with us physically, what’s happening internally, and how/why we’re doing and acting the way we are. The goal in searching out all of this self-knowledge is for us to gain true humility–to see ourselves as we really are. When we’re able to do that, we will realize how dependent we are on God, we will be emboldened to use our gifts, and we will be more motivated to improve on our weaknesses.
My study of “Person” involved 3 major umbrella topics:
- Healing (purifying pain vs. pain in need of healing)
- Spiritual Direction (Freedom and Integrity)
- Personal Needs
Healing
We all have pain, but Holly Pierlot provided a distinction between purifying pain and pain in need of healing that was a big help to me.
Purifying pain brings with it the grace to accept it, and to give oneself trustingly, offering oneself to the Father with Jesus. Pain in need of healing brings despair and discouragement.
In other words, God does not expect us to shoulder every cross that comes our way. While some pain can be purifying (it strengthens our resolve to live a life of heroic virtue) and can lead us closer to God, there is some pain that we should seek healing from. Keeping this in mind, I decided to make a few appointments for myself.
Physical Pain in Need of Healing: Without getting into all of the details (especially for my male readers!), let’s just say that an OBGYN is going to help get everything back in place that has been out of place.
A blood panel with my new internist revealed some hormonal irregularities and deficiencies. I was suuuuuuuuuuuuuper low on Vitamin D, and my progesterone levels were low, too. I’m managing them with medication and supplements to get things where they should be.
Non-Physical Pain in Need of Healing: Remember those 4 questions that are helping me to respond instead of react? Slowly but surely, I’m learning that I allow past hurts to dictate my reactions. I’m going to start meeting with a psychologist through Catholic Social Services to help me get to the bottom of things, teach me new anger management strategies, and work to heal those past hurts.
Spiritual Direction
Remember how I made a 2015 Board of Spiritual Directors? I’ve already gained so much from those holy men and women, but I’m still hoping to have my own personal spiritual director that I can meet with on a monthly basis. The goal is to find him/her by the end of the month so that I can start working with him/her toward Christian freedom. As Holly Pierlot’s university professor, Fr. Tom Daley, told her, “Freedom is taking responsibility for who you are to become.” When I decide to take responsibility for who it is that God is calling me to be, I will experience Christian freedom. In order to do that, I need to work toward becoming ordered internally. Holly Pierlot says, “The only way to get closer to God was to become ordered enough inside to enable me to experience him within.” My hope is that my spiritual director will help me to see what I am allowing to prevent me from having that internal order, and what I can do to change that.
Personal Needs
We all have our unique needs that help us to stay ordered internally. For me, they are:
- Quiet
- Personal morning prayer while the house is quiet
- Wednesday afternoon “Mother’s Helper”
- A high school neighbor girl watches the kids for two hours in the afternoon every Wednesday. I use the time for whatever I’d like as a mid-week recharge–blogging, running errands, a craft, meal prep, sewing, or a household project.
- Mother’s Sabbath
- Every other Saturday, I get to spend a few hours out of the house to recharge. I don’t have a set agenda, but I like I go to the Catholic bookstore, sit at a nearby coffee shop, work on the blog, read, or write in my prayer journal. One Saturday a month, I am making it a goal to end that time in confession.
- Exercise
- Philip and I came up with a schedule so that we can take turns getting in a workout in the morning.
- I take Monty for walks around the neighborhood after dinner while Philip gives the kids baths and gets them ready for bed. (As they’re finishing their evening chores, I come back to finish the dinner dishes and close up the kitchen for the night.)
- Nutritious Food
- Continued meal planning and scheduled date nights at new restaurants keep us from veering away from a planned, nutritious meal
- Rest
- Philip and I instituted an early bedtime. During the week, we are supposed to be in bed at 9:30 and have our lights out at 10. We have our good nights, but we have been staying up later this past week to spend more time together.
- We still take “family naps” on the weekends.
- Friendship
- Dinner Club for Underachievers (The inaugural dinner this past weekend was a big success, and we are excited to have this regular fixture on our calendar)
- Bunco one Friday night a month
- Weekly Bible study
- Occasional dinners out with friends
- Regularly scheduled playdates
- Intellectual Stimulation
- Regular pockets of time to read (after morning prayer, during the kids’ naps, or before bed)
Questions for you:
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you allowing the vocation as a wife or mother to become an excuse to ignore your own personal needs? How can you enlist your husband, wife, children, or friends to help you to take better care of yourself? I’d love to hear your ideas!
* * *
Tomorrow, we’ll take a look at the 3rd “P”: Partner. As you might expect, this one is all about marriage. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life learning about this “P”!
![The 2nd "P" in Our Family's Rule of Life: Person]()
by Catherine | Jan 21, 2015 | Faith, Family, The Homefront
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m revisiting our Family’s Rule of Life (inspired by Holly Pierlot’s book, A Mother’s Rule of Life.) This is my third post in the series.
In the first post, I:
- explained what a “Rule of Life” is
- discussed my vocation (Child of God, wife, mother) and its essential duties
- shared our family’s mission statement
- set myself up to dive into the “5 P’s.”
The 5 P’s are:
- Prayer
- Person
- Partner
- Parent
- Provider
In the second post, I discussed the 1st “P”: Prayer.
Today, I’m jumping into the 2nd “P”: Person. In a nutshell, “Person” encompasses everything related to what’s going on with us physically, what’s happening internally, and how/why we’re doing and acting the way we are. The goal in searching out all of this self-knowledge is for us to gain true humility–to see ourselves as we really are. When we’re able to do that, we will realize how dependent we are on God, we will be emboldened to use our gifts, and we will be more motivated to improve on our weaknesses.
My study of “Person” involved 3 major umbrella topics:
- Healing (purifying pain vs. pain in need of healing)
- Spiritual Direction (Freedom and Integrity)
- Personal Needs
Healing
We all have pain, but Holly Pierlot provided a distinction between purifying pain and pain in need of healing that was a big help to me.
Purifying pain brings with it the grace to accept it, and to give oneself trustingly, offering oneself to the Father with Jesus. Pain in need of healing brings despair and discouragement.
In other words, God does not expect us to shoulder every cross that comes our way. While some pain can be purifying (it strengthens our resolve to live a life of heroic virtue) and can lead us closer to God, there is some pain that we should seek healing from. Keeping this in mind, I decided to make a few appointments for myself.
Physical Pain in Need of Healing: Without getting into all of the details (especially for my male readers!), let’s just say that an OBGYN is going to help get everything back in place that has been out of place.
A blood panel with my new internist revealed some hormonal irregularities and deficiencies. I was suuuuuuuuuuuuuper low on Vitamin D, and my progesterone levels were low, too. I’m managing them with medication and supplements to get things where they should be.
Non-Physical Pain in Need of Healing: Remember those 4 questions that are helping me to respond instead of react? Slowly but surely, I’m learning that I allow past hurts to dictate my reactions. I’m going to start meeting with a psychologist through Catholic Social Services to help me get to the bottom of things, teach me new anger management strategies, and work to heal those past hurts.
Spiritual Direction
Remember how I made a 2015 Board of Spiritual Directors? I’ve already gained so much from those holy men and women, but I’m still hoping to have my own personal spiritual director that I can meet with on a monthly basis. The goal is to find him/her by the end of the month so that I can start working with him/her toward Christian freedom. As Holly Pierlot’s university professor, Fr. Tom Daley, told her, “Freedom is taking responsibility for who you are to become.” When I decide to take responsibility for who it is that God is calling me to be, I will experience Christian freedom. In order to do that, I need to work toward becoming ordered internally. Holly Pierlot says, “The only way to get closer to God was to become ordered enough inside to enable me to experience him within.” My hope is that my spiritual director will help me to see what I am allowing to prevent me from having that internal order, and what I can do to change that.
Personal Needs
We all have our unique needs that help us to stay ordered internally. For me, they are:
- Quiet
- Personal morning prayer while the house is quiet
- Wednesday afternoon “Mother’s Helper”
- A high school neighbor girl watches the kids for two hours in the afternoon every Wednesday. I use the time for whatever I’d like as a mid-week recharge–blogging, running errands, a craft, meal prep, sewing, or a household project.
- Mother’s Sabbath
- Every other Saturday, I get to spend a few hours out of the house to recharge. I don’t have a set agenda, but I like I go to the Catholic bookstore, sit at a nearby coffee shop, work on the blog, read, or write in my prayer journal. One Saturday a month, I am making it a goal to end that time in confession.
- Exercise
- Philip and I came up with a schedule so that we can take turns getting in a workout in the morning.
- I take Monty for walks around the neighborhood after dinner while Philip gives the kids baths and gets them ready for bed. (As they’re finishing their evening chores, I come back to finish the dinner dishes and close up the kitchen for the night.)
- Nutritious Food
- Continued meal planning and scheduled date nights at new restaurants keep us from veering away from a planned, nutritious meal
- Rest
- Philip and I instituted an early bedtime. During the week, we are supposed to be in bed at 9:30 and have our lights out at 10. We have our good nights, but we have been staying up later this past week to spend more time together.
- We still take “family naps” on the weekends.
- Friendship
- Dinner Club for Underachievers (The inaugural dinner this past weekend was a big success, and we are excited to have this regular fixture on our calendar)
- Bunco one Friday night a month
- Weekly Bible study
- Occasional dinners out with friends
- Regularly scheduled playdates
- Intellectual Stimulation
- Regular pockets of time to read (after morning prayer, during the kids’ naps, or before bed)
Questions for you:
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you allowing the vocation as a wife or mother to become an excuse to ignore your own personal needs? How can you enlist your husband, wife, children, or friends to help you to take better care of yourself? I’d love to hear your ideas!
* * *
Tomorrow, we’ll take a look at the 3rd “P”: Partner. As you might expect, this one is all about marriage. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life learning about this “P”!
![Over at CatholicMom: Responding Instead of Reacting]()
by Catherine | Jan 15, 2015 | Family, Marriage
One of my many resolutions in 2015 is to start responding instead of reacting.
What’s the difference between responding and reacting? Here are a few words I would use to describe the two options we have when conflict arises.
Reacting:
- Immediate
- Fight/flight
- Feeling like a victim
- Emotional
- Impulsive
- Not gathering all of the information
- Passive aggressive
- Short-sighted
- Overreacting
- Jumping to conclusions
- Avoiding
- Unproductive
Responding:
- Open
- Listening (though not always agreeing)
- Respecting (though not always agreeing)
- Loving (though not always agreeing)
- Deliberate
- Thoughtful
- Rational
- Taking responsibility
- Productive
- Solution-based
- Cooperative
- Collaborative
It is so, so, so easy for me to jump into a habit of reacting when I’m in survival mode. The stressor could be the holidays, illness, having a newborn, a teething toddler, a preschooler waging an epic battle of wills, a stressed out husband, or the day-to-day demands of running a home with a growing family. It’s easy for me to pick any of those opportunities to start (over)reacting all over the place…[Read the rest at CatholicMom]
![Revisiting Our Family's Rule of Life]()
by Catherine | Jan 15, 2015 | Faith, Family, Marriage, The Homefront
I first read Holly Pierlot’s A Mother’s Rule of Life back in Lent 2014. As part of my Lenten mission, I came up with a rough sketch of our Family Rule of Life. Since then, we have moved to a new house in a new city. Now that we’re settled, the kids are back in the school routine, and the craziness of the holidays are over, I’m ready to share how I started revisiting our Family Rule of Life during Advent. While my vocation and its essential duties remain the same, our surroundings, the children’s development, our relationships with God and each other have changed significantly.
Before I jump in, let’s circle back to revisit a few things:
First, what’s a “Rule of Life”?
Holly Pierlot defines a rule of life as an “examination of one’s vocation and the duties it entails, and the development of a schedule for fulfilling these responsibilities in a consistent and orderly way.”
Before I pulled together the first draft of our schedule last year, I needed to determine:
- What’s my vocation? (My answer is what I call this the proper hierarchy of relationships. The order is very intentional here.)
- Child of God
- Wife
- Mother
- What are the essential duties that my vocation entails?
- Child of God: Sustain a regular prayer life, frequent the sacraments, attend Mass, and show my love of God through my love of neighbor. I also have the responsibility to care for myself (personal prayer, recreation, good nutrition, exercise, rest) so that I can perform all of my duties well. (My duties to self will be explored more with the 2nd P, Person.)
- Wife: Holly Pierlot quotes Saint Pope John Paul II as saying that love could be defined as “availability, acceptance, and help.” As a wife, I have the duty to: be available to my husband (Ever hear of SPICE in your NFP training? We are to be available to our spouses Spiritually, Physically, Intellectually, Creatively, Emotionally), be accepting of all of him, and to be a helper instead of a hindrance on his journey to sainthood. In order to fulfill my duties as a wife, I need to keep my relationship with Philip second only to my relationship with God, but above all relationships–even our children.
- Mother: I can’t sum up my duties as a mother more succinctly than Holly Pierlot did in her section on parenting. She says that it is a “call to form persons. We’re called to bring God to our children’s spirits, truth to their minds, health to their bodies, skill to their hands, beauty and creativity to their hearts, and in all this, virtue to their wills and sanctity to their souls.” To be my children’s primary educator means remembering Pope Pius XI’s wise words that, “Education consists essentially in preparing man for what he must be, and for what he must do here below, in order to attain the sublime end for which he was created.” In sum, it’s my job as a Christian mother to foster my children’s relationship with God so that they can: hear His voice calling them to their specific vocation, receive the graces to live it out well, and glorify Him through their lives as a preparation for their eternal reward with Him. Ultimately, it’s my job as a mother to raise my children to become saints.
With my vocation and essential duties at the forefront of our minds, Philip and I worked together last year to create our family mission statement. Here it is:
The Boucher Family is a domestic church whose mission is to know, love, and serve God. Our aim is to live intentionally as Jesus’ disciples, propel one another to sainthood, and joyfully share our love of God with others.
I still want to get our family mission statement on canvas to hang in our kitchen. Any suggestions on a great Etsy shop or artist?
With my vocation’s duties outlined and our family mission statement written, I set out to re-draft our family’s schedule. A lot has changed in one year! In order to do that, I re-examined what Holly Pierlot calls the “5 Ps.”
- Prayer
- Person
- Partner
- Parent
- Provider
Your Turn:
- What would you consider the essential duties of your vocation?
- If you had a family mission statement, what would it say?
- Are you fulfilling the essential duties of your vocation? If not, what practical changes can you make today?
- What is keeping you from fulfilling your essential duties?
- Are you preventing someone else from fulfilling his/her essential duties?
If you’re interested in creating your own Rule of Life, read A Mother’s Rule of Life and visit Holly Pierlot’s website for some great resources. I would LOVE to go through the 5 P’s with you!
