This week is Jane’s turn to be “Star of the Week” in her first grade class. As Star of the Week, Jane got to fill in a poster about herself and bring in photos to be hung in the classroom. The other perks of being Star of the Week include: getting to invite your parents to join you for lunch, being the line leader, being a special helper, and inviting in a parent to talk about their career. I assumed Jane would invite Doctor Dad Philip to speak to her class. You can imagine my surprise when she said, “Mom, can you come in for Star of the Week? There have been a lot of doctors, so I think my class knows what they do.” I told her I’d be happy to come in and asked her what I should talk about. She said, “I want you to come in and tell them about what you do. You do a lot! I’ll start making a list of all the things you do for us.”
Folding laundry while Jane works on her list of the things I do
Today was the big day for my visit to her classroom. (Side note: Is there anything more adorable than a first grade classroom?)
The kids filed in from their trip to the school library. Jane spotted me immediately, let out a, “MOMMY!” gave me an unabashed huge hug, and joined me on a bench while her classmates sat in front of us criss cross applesauce.
Rather than try to format this with a, “Then I said this, and then I said that,” I’ll write this like a transcript of how the visit went.
Me: Hello! I’m Jane’s mom, Mrs. Boucher. Jane invited me in today to tell all of you about my job as a stay-at-home mom. Before I get into that, I thought it’d be good for me to tell you a bit about my vocation story before I became a mom. When I was in high school, I thought that God might be calling me to be a religious sister. That was always in the back of my mind as I went to college and went on a retreat during my sophomore year. Toward the end of the retreat, I asked one of the sisters for her advice. I was crying and told her that I thought that God was calling me to be a sister but that I really wanted to be a wife and mother. She told me, ‘Honey, God wants you to be happy, and He’s not going to call you to do something that makes you miserable.’ I was so relieved! After that, I began to discern that maybe God was calling me to marriage. And guess who I met a few weeks after that retreat?
Jane’s class: Dr. Boucher!
Me: Yup! We dated for two years, and…
Jane: And you played Scrabble on your first date! And that’s how Daddy asked you to marry him.
Me: Yes, that’s right! Then we got married, and I became a high school Spanish teacher.
Jane: Then I came!
Me: Yes, Jane was born a few years later in, well, Jane, when’s your birthday?
Jane: February 11, 2010.
Me: Yes, so, Jane was born in February, and she went to daycare for the rest of that school year. Then I started staying at home with her that summer, and I’ve stayed home ever since. I went to Catholic school growing up, but I never had much of a prayer life until I started staying at home. When it was just me and Jane (at this point, Jane wrapped her arms around my waist and squeezed until the end of my visit), I had pockets of silence in the house, and that was the first time in my life that I started to really hear God’s voice. Now, I bet a lot of you have an idea of what I do everyday as a stay-at-home mom. What kinds of things do you think I do everyday?
(Hands shot up in the air.)
Me: Jane, why don’t you call on a couple of your classmates.
Classmate: Make dinner!
Me: Yes, I make a lot of meals. And meals are a lot of work, aren’t they? You make the food, and then what do you do?
Jane’s class: Eat the food!
Me: Well, yes, and then what do you do?
Jane’s class: Clean up.
Me: Yes, so I clean up the dishes and the kitchen. What other kinds of things do you think I do?
Classmate: Laundry!
Classmate: Help with homework!
Classmate: Change diapers!
(Several more assorted answers and conversations about the various tasks.)
Lunch with Dorothy
Me: So, you get the idea. There are a lot of different things that go into my day, aren’t there? And you know what? Sometimes, I can be really selfish or even lazy about these things that I’m supposed to do. Have your parents ever asked you to do something and you’ve groaned? Well, I feel that way sometimes, too. ‘Is it already time for dinner?! Another diaper?’ I think God first called me to be a stay-at-home mom to learn how to choose love instead of what I want. And God blessed us with more children after Jane. I bet a lot of you know Jane’s brother Walt who’s in kindergarten, right? Well, he was born just 15 months after Jane, and I learned how to become less selfish when he was born. Then, God blessed us with another baby named Thérèse. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage, and that means that Thérèse died in my tummy.
(At this point, half a dozen hands shot up, and several of Jane’s classmates shared stories of their families being affected by miscarriage, some multiple times.)
Me: When Thérèse died, it was very sad and hard, but our family believes that Thérèse is in heaven and that she’s our family’s little saint that we can pray to. Ever since then, it became our family’s goal to get our whole family to heaven so that we could be together with our baby Thérèse. Do you have any guesses who we named Thérèse after?
(Several hands shot up.)
Classmate: St.Thérèse of Lisieux!
Me: That’s right! St.Thérèse became extra important to me after our baby Thérèse went to heaven. I learned a lot about her life, and I tried to follow her advice. She wrote a lot about something called ‘The Little Way.’ St. Thérèse believed that the way to become a saint was to do a lot of little things with great love. And you know what? I have a lot of opportunities everyday as a stay-at-home mom to do little things. Some days, I do a lot of small things with great love, but other days I do them with a bad attitude or am lazy about it. Do you ever do that?
(Lot of heads nodding and ‘Mmmm hmmm’s.)
Me: Me too! But you know what? There’s great news! Look at that picture that you have in the front of your classroom.
(Pointing to an image of Divine Mercy like this one.)
Me: We just learned about that picture on Divine Mercy Sunday, and we learned something important about God’s mercy last Sunday in the Gospel. What happened when Jesus appeared to Thomas? Was His body back to normal? (I pointed to my wrists.)
Classmate: No! He still had the holes in his hands and feet and side.
Me: Yes! That’s right! Jesus came back to His friends with His wounds. And we have wounds, too. We have wounds when we make bad choices. And Jesus meets us in our wounds. And next year, when all of you are in second grade, what sacrament will you receive before your First Communion where Jesus can heal those wounds?
Jane’s class: Confession!
Me: That’s right! Confession is all about that picture (pointing to the Divine Mercy image) and the words at the bottom. Jesus wants to heal our wounds, and He wants to hear us say, ‘Jesus, I trust in You.’ So, I think God asked me to become a stay-at-home mom because He knew I needed a lot of daily opportunities to overcome my selfishness and choose love. Do I always do it perfectly? No! But at the end of the day, I’m able to say, ‘Jesus, I trust in You.’ I know that He will forgive me if I am sorry, and He’s there to help me do better the next day. After Thérèse went to heaven, God blessed our family with more children. We have Harry, who’s in preschool, and Dorothy, who just turned a year old. While a lot of my days are full of serving our family, one of my favorite parts about being a stay-at-home mom is my ability to help others since I’m available in ways that I wouldn’t be if I were still teaching during the day. I can bring meals to families that have a new baby or had a family member pass away. I can help families with giving kids rides. I can help with watching other children or being available if there’s an emergency. In our neighborhood, we have a lot of kids around, and they know that our house is a safe place to come and play because I’m around. And, hey, do you guys know how hard your teachers work? Do you think Mrs. ____’s day is over when she goes home?
Jane’s class: Noooooooo
Me: Right! She goes home, and she takes care of her own family, and she’s still doing a bunch of things to get ready for the next school day.
Jane’s classmate to his teacher: Thank you!
Jane’s teacher: Wow, you’re welcome.
Me: Yes, always thank your teachers. They work so hard!
Jane’s classmate: I have a question. Why did you choose to be a stay-at-home mom?
Me: That’s a great question! I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, but once Jane was born, I knew I wanted to be with her as much as I could. A lot of people didn’t understand my decision and said things like, ‘I could never do that!’ I think they thought it would be boring or that I would get sick of doing the same things over and over again. I think that’s exactly why God wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom, though. He knew I needed the extra practice doing the same things over and over again and learning to do them out of love!
(Answering a few more questions and hearing more stories about children whose families were touched by miscarriage. One student shared about the movie Heaven is For Real and the main character meeting a sister who died in miscarriage in heaven.)
Me: I brought something for all of you that Jane can hand out. These are holy cards with a picture and prayer from St.Thérèse of Lisieux. I wanted all of you to have these so that you can remember what we talked about today. Before I leave, I want to give all of you a challenge with three parts, okay? Here it is:
Try to do at least 5 things every day with great love. I bet after awhile you’ll start doing more.
At the end of the day, think about the times when maybe you were selfish or didn’t do something with love. Tell Jesus, ‘Jesus, I trust in You,’ and tell Him how sorry you are. Once you’ve told Him how sorry you are for the times that you’ve failed, you can trust that He forgives you.
Do better tomorrow.
So, what are the 3 things you’re going to do? One?
Jane’s class: Do 5 things
Me: With what? What great…?
Jane’s class: Love!
Me: Very good. And then, what about step 2? What are you going to do when you fail? Tell Jesus, ‘Jesus, I…?’
Jane’s class: Trust in You!
Me: That’s right! And most importantly, what are you going to do tomorrow?
Jane’s class: Do better!
Me: You’ve got it! That’s it. Do small things with great love, tell Jesus you trust in Him when you fail, and do better tomorrow. Some of you might grow up to be stay-at-home moms or dads or doctors or nurses or teachers or something else. No matter what God asks you to do, you can do this challenge. We all have a lot of chances to do small things with great love. Thanks for having me today!
* * *
The best part of my visit was being forced to sit down and pray about what this stay-at-home mom gig is all about. Sometimes, I catch myself just going through the motions of my days without really stopping and taking stock of it all. More than I’d care to admit, I let the mountains of laundry and dishes in the sink feel like a burden instead of the work of a family brimming with life. It’s enough to bring me to my knees. Life is darn good. Sure, a lot of days it’s a beautiful mess, but I wouldn’t trade my mess for anyone else’s.
Most days are full of a lot of little things. Jesus, help me to do them with love. I trust in You when I fail. Help me to do better tomorrow. Amen.
Hi. This is a picture of me from a few weeks ago. I was living like I had 6 arms.
“Like a chicken with my head cut off”
Last week, I complained to my spiritual director about constantly feeling scatterbrained. “I run around like a chicken with my head cut off. Something is always falling through the cracks–nothing big, but just enough to make me feel like I’m not on top of things.”
Since our meeting, I heard Danielle Bean’s episode #43 of the Girlfriends Podcast. The title? “Do One Thing at a Time.”
“You owe it to yourself to do just one thing at a time. In fact, you owe it to the people in your life to do just one thing at a time because, you know what suffers when you do too many things at a time? Our relationships suffer.” (Danielle Bean, The Girlfriends Podcast)
Multitasking is a perennial source of contention between me and Philip. I pride myself in multitasking and get frustrated with Philip when I think he’s not multitasking enough. Philip, on the other hand, likes to work swiftly and linearly, hammering out tasks one at a time.
One night a few weeks ago after the kids were in bed, we were disagreeing about something to do with disciplining the kids. I was trying to wipe down the kitchen counters while we talked, and it bothered Philip that I wasn’t giving our conversation all of my attention.
“Can’t you please stop and look at me while we talk?”
“I am listening.”
I washearing Philip, but I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t showing him that I valued what he had to say. Our conversation was important, and I didn’t show him that with my body language. Instead of scrubbing at the stubborn grease splatter on the countertop, I should have given him my eyes.
I ask the same of our children multiple times each day.
“Give me your eyes, please.”
“Can you please stop what you’re doing so that I know you heard me?”
“Look at Jane when you apologize.”
Before I listened to the Do One Thing at a Time podcast, I thought that multitasking meant that I was working smart. Doesn’t it mean I’m being more efficient if I’m doing a bunch of things at once? Nurse the baby and check e-mail. Help with homework and move the laundry. Hear about the kids’ days and load the dishwasher. (Turns out that handsome husband of mine was right about his linear, singular approach to things. Let’s not dwell on that, though!)
In the podcast, Danielle said that our relationships suffer most when we multitask, and she is right. That is exactly what suffered most that night when Philip and I were talking about how to discipline the kids. A clean countertop was not worth Philip’s hurt feelings. It made me wonder how many times my children acting out was a result of my multitasking. There is always more work that we can be doing, but at what cost?
After listening to the Do One Thing at a Time podcast, I realized that chronic multitasking was leaving me scattered, drained, exhausted, and feeling like I wasn’t doing any one thing well. It had a real physical and emotional cost. Having my constant to-dos running through my head made me feel physically depleted and emotionally like I was always failing. I thought maybe we were over-committed. After looking long and hard at our calendar together, Philip and I agreed that we commit ourselves to things outside our home in a healthy way and that maybe this feeling of drowning came from somewhere else. Danielle’s podcast helped me to see that the anxiety came from the self-imposed stress that chronic multitasking gave me.
I hear a not-so-little achiever Type-A recovering perfectionist voice in me saying, “C’mon, Catherine. This isn’t realistic. There is just SO MUCH that has to be done everyday. You HAVE TO multitask.” I get it, people. There’s a lot that goes in to getting any family from sun up to sun down. Some natural juggling has to happen throughout the day. My trick is asking myself, “Is this multitasking necessary, or is it contributing to the chaos?” While I have to feed the baby while I help with homework, I don’t have to move the laundry while I’m hearing about the first grader’s day. If I’m multitasking at the expense of a relationship, the task I’m doing almost always can wait. I need to give myself the permission to do one thing at a time.
Permission and Practice, Practice, Practice
It sounds so silly, but when Danielle said that I have permission to do one thing at a time, I felt so much relief. Of course I’ve always had this permission, but I had imposed all of these burdens on myself to keep too many fires going at the same time. Now, that being said, I had to remind myself that motherhood is, as Kimberly Hahn said, an “apostolate of interruption.” Some of the interruptions that happen throughout my day are actually the real work I’m supposed to be doing. It’s easier to tend to them when I’m doing one thing at a time. It’s easier to pull myself away emotionally and physically from a singular task than five.
I’ve been practicing this one thing at a time stuff for a little over a week. Let me tell you, it takes some getting used to! When was the last time you watched a show without getting on another screen or doing another task like folding laundry? To get myself into the practice of doing one thing at a time, I took Danielle’s recommendation to use the timer on my phone to “interrupt you on purpose” every 30 minutes. When the timer goes off, she says to check yourself with these questions: What am I doing, physically? How many tasks am I trying to accomplish right now? Is it just one? What am I thinking about? What’s pulling me away? What’s distracting me? What have I been occupied with?
I stopped setting the timer after awhile, but this exercise helped me to stay on track. Setting the timer made me realize that I was addicted to multitasking as a way of hammering out my to-do list. Instead of being slow, linear, and methodical about my approach to the day, I was running from task to task, almost getting a thrill out of doing as much as humanly possible all at once. Why?! Since I started paying more attention to my addiction to multitasking, I realized that I’m actually accomplishing more on the days that I stick to doing one thing at a time. My mind is freer from the clutter. I’m less physically and emotionally exhausted at the end of each day.
In addition to the timer, I’m doing a few other simple things to remove my distractions.
To-Do List
My running to-do list orders my day. I have 3 different categories: DO, GO/BUY, and CALL/EMAIL. I’m old school and keep it on a small memo pad that can come with me anywhere. Having it on my nightstand helps me to clear my mind of clutter at bedtime.
E-mail and Phone Date
Instead of checking e-mail on my phone multiple times a day, I like I schedule 10-15 minutes everyday dedicated exclusively to e-mail on the laptop. I’m trying to change expectations with my e-mails and texts that I will get back, but I won’t always respond right away.
Observations
Doing one thing at a time has its benefits. My mind feels like it has the space it needs to breathe between tasks, and I don’t feel stretched to my limits at every moment anymore. The quality of my work is drastically better. I’m on top of the housework, I’m current on my correspondence, and I’m finding pockets of time for silence. (More on that silence component another time.)
All of this made me stop and think about why I was chronically multitasking in the first place. The hard truth was this: I had too much of my self worth as a stay at home mom tied up in how the kids were behaving and how clean the house was. Multitasking was my way of keeping myself busy, busy, busy. When I was busy, busy, busy, I told myself that doing, doing, doing meant an A+ on my imaginary mom report card. It’s so embarrassing to write those words, but it’s the truth. This little experiment with doing things one thing at a time is showing me that, yes, there is plenty that needs to get done around here, but that God will provide me with exactly the graces and time I need to get them done one at a time. Everything else? (Cue the Frozen soundtrack.) LET IT GO!
I love starting my day with my coffee, Bible study, and to-do list. Once I’m done with my morning prayers, I ask God to multiply my time and show me the things I need to accomplish that day. With His grace, I’m getting more done doing things one thing at a time, but I think it’s because of my shift in attitude. In his book, The Virtue Driven Life, Fr. Benedict Groeschel, C.F.R., says, “Enjoy what’s going on while it’s going on. If you go to the supermarket, enjoy it. Don’t make it drudgery. Talk to the cashier. Speak to the people at the fruit counter. Chat with a neighbor. Try to get to know people, get them to talk to you, and make your passage through life pleasurable.” I may not enjoy everything that’s going on while it’s going on (who actually enjoys scrubbing the toilet?), but at least I’m facing the realities of this homemaking thing head on now that I’m not multitasking all the time. My loved ones are getting my eyes, I’m getting room to breathe, and God’s finding a way to get all of the necessary stuff done.
When I started the Year of Me, my goals for rest were:
In bed by 10:00 Sunday – Thursday, by midnight Friday & Saturday
Guiltless napping whenever needed (this is the first day I haven’t taken a nap since Dorothy was born)
Oh, how I love rest! I used to be a night owl, but I think I’ve officially become an early bird convert. Being a night owl worked when I was in college and a newlywed, but those days are over now that we have 4 little ones. Our goal to be in bed by 10:00 p.m. Sunday – Thursday and by midnight on Friday and Saturday was fairly easy to reach. There were a few weeks in the summer that we were staying up until 10:30 or 11:00 p.m., and it definitely hurt the following days. I think a big part of me felt like I deserved a few hours of time to just hang out with Philip each night and that we were somehow missing out if we didn’t stay up past 10. Silly, I know. Now that I’ve seen how much more energy I have and how much we’re getting accomplished in the early morning hours, I don’t feel the need to stay up. I look forward to the quiet, uninterrupted time we have together before the kids wake up.
Power Mornings > Netflix Binging
The older three kiddos go to bed at 7:30 and Dorothy has her last feeding around 8:30, so it’s not terribly difficult for us to squeeze in some together time once they’re asleep. Philip and I started a new routine a few weeks ago to start getting ready for bed between 9/9:15 p.m., and we turn the lights out by 10 p.m. It’s very important to us that we go to bed at the same time since we have such limited time together in this chapter anyway. We have been getting so much reading in since we implemented our new bedtime! This bibliophile is a happy camper! We’re getting up at 5:15 a.m. most weekdays. We’re still feeling very rested in the mornings, and we love being able to get our exercise in before the kids wake up.
My second rest goal for the Year of Me was to take a guiltless nap whenever I needed it. I still take naps on weekends or occasionally during the week, but my exercise and better nutrition have given me more energy. More often than not, I opt to get some work done while the kids nap in the afternoon. I try to give myself at least a 10-minute break to read for fun during this time, too. I like to think of it as my mini mama sabbath everyday.
Going forward, my goals for rest are to:
Get ready for bed at 9:00 p.m.
Lights out at 10:00 p.m.
Get up at 5:15 a.m. Monday – Friday
Nap whenever needed
Take a 15-minute break to read while the kids nap
Questions for You:
How much sleep are you getting? Do you have a bedtime ritual that helps you transition into slumberland? Are your days feeling frantic? Could you build in a break somewhere in there?
When Pope Francis declared this the Extraordinary Jubilee Year of Mercy, I wondered what it would look like at St. Joseph’s. Of all of the changes I have seen, I am most inspired and thankful for your leadership toward the goal of including special needs children in the parish school.
You shared with us in the parish bulletin how your own family was blessed by your older brother, Harry, who was born with spina bifida and died as a little boy. No wonder the special needs children hold such a special place in your heart! Undoubtedly, Harry is looking down on your efforts from heaven with a lot of admiration for his little brother.
As a former high school Spanish teacher, a handful of my courses in teachers college focused on special education. Knowing that I hoped to teach in a Catholic school, I was sad that aside from mild learning disabilities, special needs students would likely never enter my classroom. When you shared your plan to bring in more staff and resources to accommodate the special needs students in our parish family, I will be the first to admit that I was wary. My first reaction was fear. Because of my background in education, I knew it would be an uphill battle. I started asking all of the questions that come from fear. Would we have the right staff? Would the special needs student get the support they needed? Would our teachers be adequately trained?
Thank goodness I’m not the one in charge! No good decision is made out of fear. Thank you for being a brave pastor when I would have been fearful–of failure, of criticism, of backlash, of who knows what! It is obvious that you have felt this call from God and are doing this out of obedience.Have you ever heard the expression, “Delayed obedience is disobedience”? While the world and all of us so-called “experts” in the education field might say that starting the inclusion of the special needs students this year was too quick, you probably saw it as delayed obedience. Concerns might include the need for more time, more training, more tools. Undoubtedly, we will experience hiccups as we begin to learn how to be a school that welcomes special needs children. What endeavor with humans at the helm doesn’t have its problems? Yet, what are we afraid of? I applaud you for hearing the call and for moving forward while most of us so-called “experts” would have said to wait.
Thank you for this unprecedented opportunity for families that send their children to Catholic school. While I’m sure it is a blessing for the families of the special needs children to get to send their children to St. Joseph’s, I want you to know what a blessing it is for the whole community to get to welcome the special needs children into our classrooms. The children at St. Joseph’s are leading the way on how to welcome our parish special needs students. We would do well to learn from these little ones who are showing us what the Year of Mercy is all about. The children see the differences, they ask questions, they find out how they can help, they welcome their new classmates with open arms. What a gift that our kids will never know a classroom without special needs children! They intuitively know at a young age that we all have something about us that forces us to lean on others.
In the days and weeks to come, please lean on us. Let us know how we can help. What can we do to help with this transition? What intentions should we be keeping in prayer? What resources do we still need?
My prayers are with you and our school. I pray for a softening of heart for those who may still fearful of this change. Thank you for your vocation, for your daily “yes” to God, and for all of the sacrifices that you make on behalf of our parish family.
Yesterday was a big day. I wouldn’t admit it to myself, but I was a wee bit anxious about how it would go. Instead of admitting it or giving in to the tears, I lost myself in a flurry of activity to get everyone out the door.
Yesterday was Harry’s first day of preschool.
No filter. Just a Nebraska sunrise I captured yesterday in my jammies from the driveway. God knew I needed a little something that would tell me, “Stop worrying, honey. I’ve got this.”
The first day of preschool is a big milestone for any child, but the fact that it was Harry’s first day of preschool made it even more monumental.
In order to understand why yesterday was so big, you need to know Harry’s back story.
Almost four years ago on All Souls Day, we found out that I was miscarrying our 3rd baby. We named her Thérèse. A few weeks later, God entrusted us with another precious baby. I had a healthy pregnancy and delivered a baby boy nine months later.
Harold Fulton Boucher
Sweet little Harry helped to heal our family after losing Thérèse, but he will never replace her. I mean that in the best possible way. We love Thérèse, and I pray for her intercession often, but I don’t think of Harry as her replacement. Thérèse is our precious saint in heaven, and she’s all the motivation we need to get the rest of our family there someday. In just 3 years, Harry has shown me over and over again that he is exactly the soul God intended for our family.
Harry has always done things in his own way on his unique time table. For example, instead of crawling, he did the worm.
Harry is the child we never would have met if my pregnancy with Thérèse had gone according to our plans. All of our children’s milestones are special, but Harry’s milestones seem distinct. After all, Harry’s life itself was sheer gift.
Fast forward a couple of years.
Harry just turned three last week, and he has less than 15 words that he will say spontaneously without prompting. He has been receiving help with his speech delay through the Lincoln Public Schools special education program. A wonderful speech pathologist came out to our home twice a month this past year to work with us on Harry’s speech.
Last spring before Dorothy was born, I had visions of how our fall would be. It would be quieter with just Harry and our new baby at home while Jane and Walt were off at school. We’d have play dates, go to the gym, have fun outings, and Harry was enrolled at a nearby Christian preschool once a week.
As it turned out, that Christian preschool cut the program due to budget constraints. In fact, the preschool called us the day we came home with baby Dorothy from the hospital. After that phone call, we thought were out of options. All of the mother’s day out programs had waiting lists, and Harry wasn’t eligible for the parish or other preschool programs because of his August birthday.
So, it wasn’t part of my plan to send Harry off to preschool this year. That’s why his first day of preschool milestone was such a big deal. It was another one of those moments that never would have happened according to my master plan. You see, there’s this thing about Harry. I’m convinced God gave Harry to our family to teach me this lesson over and over again: our lives are not about our plans; our lives are about surrendering to God’s plan.
At our May meeting with the speech pathologist, we talked about our plans for the summer and fall. I mentioned that the preschool where Harry was enrolled had closed and that he would be staying at home with me. Then the speech pathologist and I had a little good news/bad news pow wow.
The bad news: Harry’s in-home services with Lincoln Public Schools would be ending in a few months when he turned three in August.
The good news: At the conclusion of his in-home services, he would become eligible for the Lincoln Public School preschool program as a special education student.
I was initially excited and asked her to describe the program, envisioning a few hours a week. When she described the program, and I think I had to pick my jaw up off of the floor.
5 days a week.
3 and a half hours.
Breakfast, snack, and lunch are served.
Children can be bussed to and from school.
Woah, woah, woah! Are you crazy, lady?! He will have just turned THREE!
It sounded like too much and too fast. I told her I’d think about it but had already ruled it out in my mind. After all, my plan had been to send him to 1-day preschool for a few hours. 5 days?! 2 meals?! A bus?! Before leaving, our speech pathologist gave me a gentle nudge to at least tour the preschool. I promised her I’d think about it.
I called Philip at work to check in. As a passing comment, I mentioned the preschool tour idea and described the program. When Philip agreed that it was too much, I thought that was the end of the discussion. For whatever reason, both of us kept revisiting the idea. By the next day, we had set up a tour.
On the tour, we met the classroom teacher, a para, and a speech pathologist who would be meeting with Harry. The classroom was amazing, and it immediately captivated Harry’s attention. The staff described regular meetings to continue to work on Harry’s IEP (his individualized education plan). I knew about all of this as a possibility as a former classroom teacher, but let me tell you, it’s a totally different ball game when you realize all of these services are available for YOUR child!
We ended up enrolling Harry for the fall. We agreed that Harry has always done things differently and that this might be exactly the boost that he needs to get him talking. After all, he’ll still get to be home with me in the afternoons and have plenty of bonding time with the rest of our family in the evenings. Going through my struggles with postpartum depression after Harry was born taught me an important lesson: there will be times with this parenting stuff that I need to reach out and ask for help in filling the gaps. 5-day preschool will be able to do exactly that for Harry, and I’m so excited for him!
Begrudgingly, I had to admit to God yet again that I was wrong. My plan was good, but it wasn’t the best. Have you ever seen this picture before?
I’m the little girl holding my plans in my hands while He has something bigger in mind.
That little girl holding the small teddy bear is me. I never want to give up my plan. I think I’ve got it all figured out and hold on to it white-knuckled until I resign myself to saying, “Okay, fine. Whatcha got behind Your back?”
His plan is always better than mine. Always.
Just look at that smile!
Harry’s life has been full of opportunities to practice letting go of my plans.
God allowed us to lose Thérèse. Losing Thérèse allowed us to gain Harry.
He allowed me to have postpartum depression. That postpartum depression taught me to lean more on others. It taught me what real friendship is all about. It strengthened our marriage. It opened my eyes to the fragility of life. It taught me that what’s working for other families might not be what’s best for us.
He allowed Harry to have a speech delay. That speech delay taught and continues to teach me all kinds of parenting skills I otherwise would never have been forced to cultivate.
That Harry. So many surprises in these 3 years. Who knows what else is in store for that boy! All I know is this:
I’m not in control.
My plans are (usually) good.
Buuuuuuuuuuut it’s always a better idea to ask God what His plans are
To prepare for the sacrament of confession, Catholics are taught to examine their consciences in an effort to bring to mind all of the sins they committed since their last confession. There are several different versions of examinations of consciences available. Most are organized by questions relating to the 10 Commandments or are specific to one’s state in life (child, single, married, religious life). I’m always seeking out new examinations. Each examination has a way of zeroing in on specific areas I need to keep working on.
In preparation for my last meeting with my spiritual director, I read through the examination for married life through the Laudate app on my phone. This examination went through many different questions and sorted them into 4 different categories:
Responsibilities to God
Responsibilities to my spouse
Responsibilities to my children
Responsibilities to society
One of the benefits of examinations of conscience is that they inform you of sinful behavior you might not even be aware of. When I got to the responsibilities to my children, I came across this question:
Have I played or recreated with them?
The question stopped me in my tracks. I read the question over and over again. Have I played with my children? Have I recreated with them? I had never considered the question as a moral issue before. I had to stop and think about how I was connecting with the kids on an average day. Sure, I gave the kids little “time-ins” throughout the day, but I rarely took more than 10-15 minutes at a time just to play.
The Internet can’t agree on who said this quote, but I’ll give it to Dr. John Trainer: “Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.”
Pope Francis completely agrees with Dr. Trainer. In an address to the Pontifical Council on the Family, he said, “When I hear the confession of a young married man or woman, and they refer to their son or daughter, I ask, ‘How many children do you have?’ and they tell me. Maybe they’re expecting another question after that, but I always ask, ‘And tell me, do you play with your children? Do you waste time with your children?’ The free gift of a parent’s time is so important.”
Harry loves taking silly selfies
Since reading that examination that asked me if I’m playing with the kids, I’ve realized something heartbreaking and very sobering. It’s hard to write this, but here goes nothing: I treat the kids like interruptions to what I think is my real work. I believe that they have eternal souls that I’m supposed to be molding, but I usually choose to make a god out of my housework and generally losing myself in busy-ness.
I’m not trying to unnecessarily beat myself up as a mother. Our kids are 6, 5, almost 3, and 3 months old. There’s a lot to juggle and balance. I take time out of every day to make the kids feel special and connected, but if I’m honest with myself, I could be less selfish with how I approach our days.
The great news? I can choose to change that every single day.
Since talking about the issue with Philip and taking it to prayer, I’m starting to see three things that have helped:
Changing my view of time
Remembering
Moving On
Changing My View of Time
I get myself into trouble when I try ordering our days around my time instead of God’s time.2 Without fail, the day always, always, always goes better when I get in my morning prayer (even if it’s just a sincere Morning Offering before my feet hit the ground) and ask God to give me wisdom in how to order our day. When I relinquish control (and that’s hard for a control freak like me) and say, “God, how do You want me to spend this hour (or morning, afternoon, evening, etc.)?” He blesses the time more than if I start the day with my own agenda and timeframe.
It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? If only I’d remember that wisdom every single day! I have to keep reminding myself: It’s His time, it’s a gift He’s given me, and what I do with it is an offering for Him. When I can remember that, it’s so much easier to say “yes” to the kids as a “yes” to Him. Yes, I’ll play monster trucks with you in the living room. Yes, I’ll color with you at the kitchen table. Yes, I’ll read that book with you on the couch.
Remembering
All of us have both positive and negative memories of our childhoods. Taking the time to try and remember those positive and negative memories of my own childhood is really helpful. It helps me to realize what I’d like to do the same, improve upon, or change.
I forced myself to do this little thought experiment: What would the children say about their childhoods if they were suddenly adults today? If I’m honest, they’d probably say,
“My mom chose housework over me.”
“My mom was distracted.”
“My mom made me feel like I was interrupting her.”
“My mom was hot and cold. She was fun on the weekends and when Dad got home, but she was usually working during the day.”
I’m starting to see that the way I’m choosing to order an average day around here is not the way I want the kids to remember it.
Moving On
One of my favorite pastimes before I began spiritual direction was ruminating. I’d chew and chew and chew on all of the ways I had screwed up, replay the scenes in my head, and feel horrible about my shortcomings. Fun, huh?
This Year of Mercy has been a gift in that it has taught me to move on. Returning to the practice of monthly confession and spiritual direction has really helped me to do that. There’s something irreplaceable about being able to sit face-to-face with the same confessor month after month. The priest knows all of my shortcomings, administers the sacrament of confession in Persona Christi (in the Person of Christ), and encourages me to go in peace.
When I look at the crucifix, I realize that there’s a horrible price to all of my sins. Yet, wouldn’t it be such a tragic waste for me to keep kicking myself for all of the things I’ve already confessed and been released from? The God who died for me already moved on, so shouldn’t I do the same? Yes! I’m learning the answer is absolutely yes!
No more ruminating! Instead, I’m going to keep being honest, asking for forgiveness, forgiving myself, and moving on.
Learning How To Play
This might sound kind of silly, but as part of my efforts to move on, I’m realizing that I need to learn how to play with our kids. The kids have been excellent teachers. When I take the time to enter into their worlds, they show me everything I need to know. I used to think that a “good mom” looked like a summer camp counselor with pep in her step, a song for every occasion, and the energy of the Energizer Bunny. Instead, the kids are showing me that it’s more important for me to make eye contact, show them I’m listening by asking good questions, shower them with a lot of affection, and let them lead with their interests.
I’m getting better at this recreating thing, and I’ve noticed a big difference in the kids. For example, Jane has been putting on evening performances of “The Sound of Music” for our entire family in the basement with her Barbie dolls and Ken. She is so confident! Philip and I love to exchange looks during her play. It means so much to her that the whole family will come together to sit and watch her many installments of her favorite movie.
Introducing us to the cast of characters from “The Sound of Music”
I’m still not great at playing with the kids for big chunks of time, but I’m choosing them more often than distracting myself with housework. I’m taking it one day at a time and getting better and better at balancing the needs of the kids with my other duties.
Questions For You
How do you play with your kids?
How do you balance your responsibilities to family and home?
How do you remember your childhood? Did your parents carve out special time just to play with you? What did it look like?
