We cancelled cable about three years ago and subscribed to Netflix. Aside from a few cable shows like “Top Chef” that we can’t seem to find anywhere or the occasional Husker football game that doesn’t air on a major network, we haven’t missed cable or the bill.
Since cancelling cable, Philip and I have found some fantastic movies and television shows that we previously probably never would have given a second look.
The show chronicles the stories of the midwives and nursing nuns in 1950’s London’s East Side Nonnatus House. The women live together between making bicycle house calls to the nearby pregnant women. Each episode introduces us to new patients with quirky family members. We watch as the midwives navigate the medical and social problems hurled at them as the patients go through pregnancy, labor, delivery, and the postpartum period. The stories range from gut-wrenching to gut-busting. I laugh and cry several times each episode.
We’ve all heard that “truth is stranger than fiction.” Knowing that the show is based Jennifer Worth’s memoir makes the characters and their stories even more powerful. The memoir was previously published as The Midwife and is now titled Call the Midwife: A Memoir of Birth, Joy, and Hard Times.
Call the Midwife cover image from Amazon.com
The show just aired the first episode of Season 2 on March 31. Here is a 30-second video that gives you a glimpse into the show:
In my opinion, “Call the Midwife” is one of the few shows on television that:
Convincingly and beautifully develops its characters
Conveys their wide range of emotions
Shares the gut-wrenching stories without being vulgar or explicit
Season 2 of “Call the Midwife” airs on PBS through May 19, 2013 Sunday evenings at 8:00 p.m. Eastern Time. I hope you’ll catch up on the previous episodes and start tuning in Sunday evenings to this fantastic show.
Once you’ve seen a few episodes, take this fun “Which Midwife Are You?” quiz! Are you Jenny, Chummy, Trixie, or Cynthia? Apparently I’m Cynthia Miller. Which Midwife Are You?
I sat down to write tonight, hoping to put something cohesive together about what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary last Friday. I can’t. All that I can come up with is a bunch of thoughts simultaneously running through my mind. Maybe that’s what this post needs to be since my brain isn’t capable of formulating well thought-out paragraphs. Maybe I just need to get it all out. I wrote about the usual tropes with mass shootings after the movie theater massacre in Aurora, Colorado. That post highlighted the pandemic of instability our youngest members of society face in the United States. Instability, I argued, is the greatest cause of problems among our country’s youth. Does our country need tighter gun control laws? No doubt about it. Will tighter gun control laws save lives? Logic tells me they will. Yet, no matter how tight the laws are or how well they are enforced, I believe a mentally unstable person desperate to do others or themselves harm will find a way to find a lethal weapon. So, the solution extends beyond the gun laws. We can’t jump to conclusions about any shooter from any of these cases, yet we can observe the parallels and hope to learn something from them. When classmates, friends, family members, or other acquaintances describe the shooters, their adjectives include: adolescent, male, loner, awkward, isolated, computer geek, goth, average, depressed, quiet, smart, nice, divorced parents, suburban. Lumped together, these adjectives often do not add up to what the education system considers an “at-risk” kid. A non-minority child with good to average grades from a middle to middle-upperclass background simply won’t get the attention and resources that the “squeakier wheels”(i.e. children with behavioral outbursts, socioeconomic concerns, learning disabilities) receive.
I do not doubt our country is full of hardworking and sacrificial teachers that give nothing less than their best everyday to their students. We cannot fault our educators or the education system for allowing these truly at-risk children to “slip through the cracks.” We need to see what brokenness these children are bringing with them to school that our education system cannot and must not be expected to repair.
Many of these young men come from broken homes and many are raised by single moms. There are plenty of single parents in this country (most are moms) who are doing a heck of a job raising their children on their own, but I imagine most would concede that it’s not ideal. Parenting is a tough gig, and there are all kinds of reasons that God designed it to be a tag team effort. (While we’re at it, parenting used to be an extended family and neighborhood team effort, but we’re talking about moms and dads right now.) Parenting is supposed to be a mom-dad tag team effort because, no matter how much protesting or hate mail this comment receives, mothers and fathers are not interchangeable, they do not perform the same functions in families, and they and their children need one another to bring their unique gifts to the family. (In putting my thoughts together, I realized I actually have a lot of thoughts on this topic. In the interest of staying on-topic, I bunched those thoughts all together into another blog post that I’ll publish another time.)
In the Sandy Hook case, we hear that the shooter’s mother stayed at home with him, homeschooled him for some time after fighting with the school board, and received substantial financial support from the shooter’s father. The father seems largely forgotten in the scenario while the news and blog comment boxes are full of belligerent comments about the mother. This is where we see that even a stay at home mother or financial stability is not enough. We all know it is not always possible because of death, military service, or another reason, but whenever possible (and barring unique situations like abuse), the ideal scenario for a child is living with their mother and father.
As a society, let’s beef up the gun control laws and figure out what makes these shooters “at–risk.” Let’s examine our mental health diagnostics, procedures, and protocol. Let’s get these troubled youth the help they need, but let’s not depend on our education system to catch everyone. Our educators are already overworked, underpaid, and generally expected to raise our country’s children for us. Let’s look within our own families and ourselves as parents to determine what we can do to be our children’s best advocates. Let’s create as much stability as possible for our children. Let’s remember that women and men are not interchangeable, that we need each other, and that we need to work together within the family context to help our children transition healthily into adulthood. Let’s remember that marriage is a lifelong commitment to one another and any children that we help to create.
Losing our precious baby Thérèse taught me many things, introduced me to many resources, and showed me how many families are affected by miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death. Since sharing our story, nearly fifty women and their family members reached out to me to share their stories or ask for advice on how to navigate through this time that nobody seems to talk about.
Rather than keep the advice and lessons learned to myself or within private messages, I want to share helpful lessons and resources with everyone interested in learning more. Whether a person needs the advice now or faces the death of a baby down the road, hopefully this shared insight will help them to face that time with some gained perspective and the knowledge that there is a community of support ready and willing to help.
Here is what Philip and I learned: Hold The Baby and Bring Items for Them to Hold If parents receive a terminal prenatal diagnosis for their baby, think he or she may die shortly after birth, or that the baby may not even survive the birthing process, consider a c-section. A c-section may offer them the opportunity to hold their living baby. If other family members are present or will be shortly after death, invite them to hold the baby. This will be their only chance to see and behold your precious baby, so offer them that option if you are comfortable with it or they request it. I was able to hold my niece shortly after she died, and I am so grateful that my sister and brother-in-law gave me that tremendous blessing. It was the only chance I had to hold her and see her with my own eyes as my precious, irrepeatable niece. Get the Right Doctor, Be Your Family’s Best Advocate, and Trust Your Gut If you feel that your doctor is not sensitive to your family’s needs or wishes, switch doctors. Some physicians may advocate termination when you desperately wish to move forward with a pregnancy despite a terminal diagnosis. Find a doctor who will help your family to make decisions that uphold your family’s beliefs.
I highly recommend finding a pro-life doctor from OneMoreSoul.com. This is how we found my amazing NFP-only OBGYN. Without his pro-life convictions and support, I think losing our baby would have been a different experience. Despite what the science was telling him, he trusted my gut feeling that something was wrong and told me to come on in for an ultrasound. The ultrasound confirmed that Thérèse had died. He always referred to Thérèse as our baby instead of “the fetus” or “the products of conception,” affirmed that her death was a real loss, and encouraged us to take all the time we needed to grieve. Make Memories Just Like It Were a “Regular” Pregnancy or Delivery During the pregnancy, do the things parents do during “regular” pregnancies to make memories. Keep everything. I asked to keep the ultrasound pictures of Thérèse because they were the only chance I had to see her. Take belly pictures, write in a journal, or write letters to the baby. Writing was very therapeutic for me after we found out we were miscarrying, and several women shared that putting their thoughts into writing during a pregnancy with a terminal diagnosis helped them as well. Whether it’s a personal journal, a private or public blog, or some other writing outlet, writing is a helpful way to put thoughts into words or remember the details as they happen when you don’t have the energy to talk to another person. The other reason I loved writing about things as I felt them was that I wanted to capture the details. I wanted them on paper so that when I was ready to relive some moment or face something emotionally, the memory was all laid out for me to throw myself into. Rereading about the day we found out Thérèse had died or the day I had my emergency D&C helps with the healing process on the days that I am able to relive the experience.
Bring special items like a stuffed animal or a blanket to wrap the baby in at the hospital. These items that your baby touched are treasures. Some hospitals provide services to take clay imprints of the baby’s footprints. Consider creating a playlist of music to play during labor, delivery, and after the baby is born. The music that you listened to as you met and held your baby might bring you comfort in the future.
There is a fantastic resource called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Photography. NILMDTS specializes in the photography of parents with their babies 25 weeks or older for a private session at the hospital immediately after their baby’s death. Over 5000 photographers are available throughout the country to offer this invaluable service to grieving parents searching for a way to capture their baby’s memory. You can find a photographer through the NILMDTS website here.
Name the Baby Choose a name for your baby. This way, your precious, irrepeatable little baby will be more in conversation than “the baby we lost.” Other family members will have a name to refer to them by, and you have a name to call on in heaven when you ask for their intercession in prayer.
You may not be far enough along in the pregnancy to know the sex of the baby, and that’s okay. You can either pick a name based on the inkling you had or choose a name that works for both genders.
Baptize the Baby If the baby survives delivery and is in danger of death, baptize the baby. If possible, make arrangements ahead of time and ask your priest to be there in the delivery room. If not, remember that anyone, including parents, can baptize case of danger of death. All that is necessary is some water to pour over the baby’s head as you say the words, “I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” Pour the water one time for each member of the Blessed Trinity, and add the baby’s name before blessing if you chose a name. For example, “Innocent, I baptize you in the name of (pour water) the Father, and of (pour water) the Son, and (pour water) of the Holy Spirit.” For further information, consult the Code of Canon Law and the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Your parish priest will help you navigate these questions as well. Formally Commemorate Your Baby’s Life and Death I recommend having a formal memorial service of some kind. Gather family and friends (whoever you’d like to be present) to celebrate a memorial Mass, a Rosary, or some other formal way to recognize that you were blessed with a precious baby that died and that you want to remember and pray for them together.
Honor other family members by asking them to participate in your ceremony. We asked our niece and nephews to each lead a decade of the Glorious Mysteries of the Rosary for Thérèse. Many cemeteries and funeral homes work with families at little to no cost to provide them with caskets or burial plots for babies. Many cemeteries have special areas set aside for babies that die through miscarriage, stillbirth, or as infants. Our baby Thérèse died at 12 weeks gestation, so she will be buried in a special crypt with other miscarried babies in a Catholic cemetery. We are comforted knowing that there will be a physical place that we can go to with a marker to visit our baby.
If the baby has older siblings, some parents ask the children to bring a balloon to the burial to send up to heaven for the baby to “catch.” Having a physical place to visit on the anniversary of the baby’s death, original due date, or other important family anniversaries can be very healing.
Celebrate the Anniversaries Find a ritual that works for your family to memorialize your baby. Perhaps you’ll visit your baby’s gravesite, donate a blanket or monetary gift to the hospital NICU, donate to your parish school, or find another way to share the love of your child with your larger community. My sister and brother-in-law decided they would commemorate each passing year by donating to an area women’s religious order summer camp for vocations in honor of their daughter.
Advocate for the Proper Handling of Your Baby’s Remains Unfortunately, not all hospitals or healthcare providers are as sensitive as they should be with the handling of your baby’s remains. In our case, I had to go to an area non-Catholic hospital emergency room for an emergency D&C after severe blood loss.
I was asked to fill out a form to determine what we wanted to happen with Thérèse’s remains as I was being prepped for an emergency D&C. There were three options available on the form. Option one was to allow the hospital to treat the remains according to hospital policy. This basically amounted to treating our baby as medical waste. The other options were to release Thérèse’s remains to a funeral home or to say that we were unsure at the time.
Philip had accepted a job after residency in another city, so we knew we wanted Thérèse’s remains buried there. We asked that Thérèse’s remains be released to us so that we could deliver them to a Catholic hospital in that city to make arrangements for burial in that city’s Catholic cemetery. Unfortunately, it was against this hospital’s policy to release the “products of conception” directly to parents. They usually worked through funeral homes. In our case, since we would have needed Thérèse’s remains transferred to another city, it would have cost a pretty penny to have a funeral home deliver her remains to the hospital in the other city. Had we miscarried at home, we would have avoided the legal hoops and could have delivered our baby’s remains to the hospital for burial without incident.
It took a very special pathologist from the hospital to advocate for us with the hospital’s administration and legal team to get Thérèse’s remains released to us. Although he is our baby’s father, Philip could not pick up Thérèse’s remains since they were in my name as the hospital patient. So, I packed up the kids, and we headed to the hospital to pick up Thérèse’s remains. The hospital had to draw up a release for me to sign, saying that I would deliver Thérèse’s remains to the Catholic hospital for burial. Also, I had to sign that I was aware that “coming into contact with the products of conception” could cause serious infection or even death. The pathologist shook my hand and said that he was so sorry we had to go through all of the legal hoops. He said he went to bed the night before feeling terrible about how things happened but that he was glad he could help a family bury their baby as they wished. I think of that sweet pathologist often and am so grateful for how hard he worked to help us.
If you feel that the way your doctor, a nurse, or other healthcare professional handled your situation was not helpful, let them know. I am writing a respectful letter to the hospital where I had the D&C. When I was bleeding uncontrollably, the emergency doctor started to remove Thérèse without telling me wha
t he was doing. Perhaps he was just focused on stopping the bleeding, but I had to ask Philip and the nurses to tell me what was happening. I watched as he filled container after container, and I kept asking if he had found our baby. It was a bizarre and helpless feeling. We were also disappointed in the way the hospital would not release Thérèse’s remains to us without a fight. If I don’t make the hospital aware of our story or our feelings, other families may experience the same kind of fear or frustration. I hope my writing a letter to the hospital will help others.
Although we had some negative experiences with some healthcare professionals, there are many well-trained and sensitive doctors or nurses trained to help families through and in preparation for the death of a baby. If you receive a terminal diagnosis during pregnancy or your baby dies while in the hospital, find out if there are trained grief support professionals available to help you. There are often registered nurses with additional training in bereavement services. These special people can help facilitate the creation of mementos, referrals for community support, registration for grief support groups, or help your family to make various unexpected decisions. They will help families to avoid unnecessary heartache by doing things (with your permission) such as: marking your door with a special sign to alert others that your baby died (this will prevent well-meaning nurses or others from asking hurtful questions about breastfeeding, newborn photos, etc.), or they may helpyou to be transferred away from the maternity wing if you wish, etc. Consider the Gift of Life Some babies are eligible for organ donation. Although it might be too difficult to consider beforehand or even in the moment, your precious baby can give other families the gift of life. The donor recipients will be living memorials to your baby. If you have ethical concerns about this practice, contact the National Catholic Bioethics Center in Philadelphia for a consultation. Read or Listen When You Don’t Feel Like Talking There are some fantastic books and other resources available for parents or other family members searching for support when they don’t feel like talking. Reading was a great comfort to me during the quiet of night, when Philip had a long shift, or during the kids’ naptime. I read a few books that I highly recommend:
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah Davis. I need to point out that this book shares stories of post-abortive women as well as families that lost babies through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. Feel free to skip through the stories that are not as helpful or pertinent to your situation. Reading stories about women who chose to end their pregnancies when I so desperately wanted mine was difficult, so I chose to skip those. Nonetheless, those women need to find healing, and this would be a tremendous book for post-abortive women trying to find support.
The Problem of Pain and A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis. Lewis tried to address the problem of evil as a Christian in The Problem of Pain. It wasn’t until the death of his wife that he felt he personally experiencedprofound pain and wrote about enduring it as a Christian in A Grief Observed.
I know there are other wonderful books out there, but these were very helpful for me. Each of the books has a rich bibliography full of additional resources.
Forgive Others and Give Yourself a Break When others say or do the wrong thing, stay away, or don’t know what to do, forgive them. When someone says the wrong thing, you can tell them, but remember that their risking saying the wrong thing is probably coming from a place of love.
When you’re not ready to talk, you’re struggling through your grief, or you need to ask for help to get through the day, forgive yourself. My wonderful friends and family offered to take the kids so that I had time to be with my thoughts or cry. This was a tremendous gift. One of my favorite things to do was sit in silence in the adoration chapel, let the tears flow when they came, and listen to our Lord.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, and don’t be afraid to make the request specific. As my friend told me, “People love you, Catherine. They want to help you. They need it, too. Let them.”
If the grief becomes overwhelming, get the help you need to work through the healing process. Make Sure “Dad” Gets Support Dads often get forgotten while Mom and Baby get all of the attention. Make sure “Dad” is able to work through his feelings and get the support that he needs. Philip and I made it our routine to check in with each other before bed each night. A month later, we still check in. “How are you doing today?”
Since men tend to handle things differently, and each man will handle things differently than another, helpyour husband find a way to grieve and share in his own way. Some men might enjoy talking with other dads or just having a little silence. Since many men don’t have a chance to decompress on the way home from work or have friends to talk to about their baby’s death, give them an opportunity to have some silence before they get home. My friends suggested that Philip pop into our parish adoration chapel for 10 minutes on his way home. Also, remember that it is okay for your husband to grieve differently than you.
Don’t Try to Compare Apples to Apples No one may ever perfectly understand your story, and that’s okay. Nonetheless, it’s human nature to compare stories. When we hear about another family’s tragic loss, sometimes we try to comfort them by saying something like, “Wow. You had it so much worse than I did. I only miscarried, and you had a full-term baby.” Resist that temptation. It’s okay that our experiences are different because, well, they simply are. There’s not better or worse or easier or harder. They are just ours.
When my sister tried explaining this to me, she said a friend gave her some great advice. “If we had all of our problems thrown into a pile, we’d still pick our exact same problem out of the pile again. After awhile, you own it, and it becomes a part of you. You wouldn’t trade your problem for another person’s problem because it’s yours.” So, whether you lost a baby days after a positive pregnancy test, in the delivery room, or just before their first birthday, you still lost your irrepeatable baby that you love. Your baby deserves to be remembered, grieved, and prayed for. Don’t let your baby’s age diminish your love affair or the depth of your grief.
What Did I Forget? This is only a compilation of the things I learned, read, and experienced as we navigated losing Thérèse. Everything I wrote won’t be helpful for each person, and I’m only one person, so I undoubtedly didn’t write everything on the topic. Hopefully at least one thing I wrote will help you to help yourself or a loved one through the death of a beloved baby. If you are a medical professional, hopefully this added insight will help you to be a better advocate for families and their babies. If you have something to add, please share it below. No family should have to experience the death of a baby and feel helpless as they navigate the process. It is my prayer that sharing my story and the lessons we learned through the process prevents other families from experiencing further heartache and find peace as they grieve their baby.
Additions Since Original Post: A friend passed along information about the Missing Angels Bill. If families have a baby that is stillborn, the Missing Angels Bill helps them to create a birth certificate for that baby. The birth certificate is called a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. Here is an article with more information.
Another tremendous resource for families is the MISS Foundation. According to their website, MISS is “an international 501(c)3, volunteer based organization providing C.A.R.E. [counseling, advocacy, research, and education] services to families experiencing the death of a child.” For more information or to find local MISS chapters, check out their website here.
Across the country this morning, people read, heard, or watched coverage of the tragic Dark Knight Rises movie massacre in Aurora, Colorado. As we process the news and learn more about the victims as well as the assailant, the same tropes of mass shootings pop up: there’s blame on gun access, similar venues amp up security for fear of copycats, there’s blame on the venue itself for allowing this kind of thing to happen, those who know the assailant often say they never saw it coming, people are moved to create a memorial for the victims, people try to move on with their lives as best they can, and most people not linked to the story forget until the next “random” act of violence occurs.
I propose that we place the blame on one thing: instability. A blog post I read by Msgr. Charles Pope, A Reflection on the Benedictine Vow of Stability, started this thought in my head when I read it a week ago. Now, in the face of the movie massacre, I find Msgr. Pope’s words to be prophetic. Hear me out…
Benedictine monks and religious sisters take the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience like most religious orders, and they add the fourth vow of stability. Our Lady of the Mississippi Abbey, a monastery of Trappist nuns, sums up their vow of stability very eloquently:
We vow to remain all our life with our local community. We live together, pray together, work together, relax together. We give up the temptation to move from place to place in search of an ideal situation. Ultimately there is no escape from oneself, and the idea that things would be better someplace else is usually an illusion. And when interpersonal conflicts arise, we have a great incentive to work things out and restore peace. This means learning the practices of love: acknowledging one’s own offensive behavior, giving up one’s preferences, forgiving.
In other words, when the religious men and women take a vow to live, pray, work, and relax together forever, they are humbly submitting to being a part of the community. There is no isolation. When there is conflict, it is worked through quickly for the greater good of the community. Living in such an intimate environment is an exercise in humility, as the individual’s vices and temptations are more likely to be exposed. There is no anonymity or ability to hide in the crowd.
To most, this sounds like some kind of a terrible prison. I propose that the men and women who humbly submit to a vow of stability are more liberated than most of us will ever be. When they live in that kind of an environment, where their weaknesses and sins are on display for the community, there’s incentive to change. In such a tight-knit community, the ripple effect of personal sin is magnified. When your anger, your greed, your pride, your other sin of the month is out in the open and everyone knows about it, there’s no reason to hide it. The logical person chooses to work through it and change. The illogical person (that’s most of us when we’re trapped in a pattern of sin) chooses to persist in the sin. It’s the persistence of charitable neighbors affected by that sin who encourage the change–whether through prayer, word, or action. What’s more liberating than living in a stable environment where you learn to break free from the patterns that your sins keep you in?
The rest of us Americans living outside of the monastery walls are experiencing what Msgr. Pope calls a “pandemic” of instability.
Instability is pandemic in our culture and it has harmed our families, our communities, our parishes, and likely our nation. Almost no one stays anywhere for long. The idea of a “hometown” is more of an abstraction or a mere euphemism for the “town of one’s birth.”
When an individual creates a Facebook account, the user can choose to include his or her hometown (From) as well as their current city (Lives In). More often than not, the two are not synonymous. When meeting someone, a routine question is, “Where are you from?” Now, people have to decide if this person is asking where they grew up or where they currently live. Msgr. Pope observes this kind of instability within neighborhoods.
The layers of extended family that once existed were stripped away by the migration to the suburbs and the seeming desire to get as far apart from each other as possible. Old city neighborhoods that for generations nourished ethnic groups and identities emptied out, and now, most neighborhoods, cities or suburban, are filled with people who barely know each other and who seldom stay long in one place anyway. (emphasis mine)
People aren’t staying in one place for very long, so the logic seems to be that there’s no incentive to know your neighbor. There’s even less incentive to start a friendship with a neighbor and become emotionally intimate. Why tell them my life story if they’re going to move when they get a new job anyway? Msgr. Pope argues that “the economy both feeds and reflects this instability.”
Gone are the days when most people worked for the same company or even in the same career all their life. Accepting a new job or promotion often means moving to a new city….The American scene and culture has become largely ephemeral (i.e. passing and trendy).
Many young people who were given the promise of the American dream work through college to find that there are no jobs available for them after graduation. Unfortunately, as Msgr. Pope says, the instability is not confined to the economy or the neighborhoods. We “reinforce this attitude” of instability in our personal lives.
1. Marriages – Spiritually everyone who enters into a marriage takes a vow of stability to be true and faithful to their spouse in good times and bad, in sickness and health, in riches or in poverty till death. And yet more than half of marriages fail to realize this vow. Many want their marriage to be ideal and if there is any ordeal, most want a new deal. And, frankly most who divorce and remarry are the most likely to divorce again. As the Benedictine statement above says, Ultimately there is no escape from oneself, and the idea that things would be better someplace else is usually an illusion.
Growing up with divorced or single parents continues to increase with each generation, fueling the instability that children feel during their formative years.
Msgr. Pope goes on to identify other areas of instability:
2. People do this with faith too, often moving from faith to faith, or at least from parish to parish in search of a more perfect experience of church. And while some are actually following a path deeper into and toward the truth, most who church-hop are looking for that illusive community where the sermons
are all good, the people friendly, the moral teachings affirm them, and the liturgy perfectly executed according to their liking. It is a kind of “designer church” phenomenon. And yet again, the problem is often as much within as without: Ultimately there is no escape from oneself, and the idea that things would be better someplace else is usually an illusion.
Instead of accepting God for who and what He is, we try to domesticate Him and mold him to our fleeting feelings. The realization that He knows us more intimately than anyone else ever will causes people church hop so frequently. It must be scary being so vulnerable to God and allowing Him to rule your faith when many are not used to living this intimately with anyone else. Like Adam and Eve in Eden, becoming aware of our sin makes us want to hide from Him. So, when confronted with the truth of our shortcomings, it’s easier to seek out a church that affirms our choices rather than remain in one that encourages change.
Msgr. Pope goes on to describe how the older practice of buying a home is out of fashion. Instead of settling in one neighborhood for a lifetime, families treat homes as stepping stones as their careers advance and they are able to move into bigger homes in more affluent neighborhoods. The focus is less on the relationships built in the neighborhoods and more on the physical surroundings.
Msgr. Pope briefly mentions the practice of retirees leaving behind friends, family, faith communities, and all that is familiar to move south.
Why is this so popular, and does it also bespeak a kind of great divorce where family and obligations to friends and communities are seem more as burdens and part of the work that one retires from?
Like a good Catholic priest, Msgr. Pope prepared us for last week’s Gospel reading:
In the gospel for this coming Sunday Jesus counsels: Wherever you enter a house, stay there until you leave. In other words, settle down and don’t go from house to house looking for a better deal or a better meal. Pick a house and stay there, set down roots in the community where you minister, eat what is set before you and develop the deep relationships that are necessary for evangelization and the proclamation of the gospel.
Stability, though difficult to find in our times is very important to cultivate wherever possible and to the extent possible. In particular, the gift to seek is the kind of stability that is content with what God has given and is not always restlessly seeking a more ideal setting. For again, as we have noted: Ultimately there is no escape from oneself, and the idea that things would be better someplace else is usually an illusion.
We may be “a pilgrim people,” but that doesn’t mean we are to pick up and move every time something is not to our liking. We are “a pilgrim people,” because our ultimate destination is not enjoying the fruits of our 401K and hopping from every person and place to make sure that happens.
So, whenever possible, let’s work toward increasing stability for ourselves, our children, and the other people in our circles. Here are a few practical ways we can do that:
Meet your neighbors and introduce yourself to new ones. Organize a neighborhood association to encourage neighborhood activities, safety watches, and accountability in keeping the neighborhood aesthetically pleasing. Deliver cookies at Christmas, baskets on May Day, meals to new parents, those grieving, the sick, or the homebound. Offer to babysit, shovel driveways, rake lawns, or run errands. Be a neighbor!
Get involved in your church. Join a Bible study, group for young parents, etc.
Visit extended family members as much as possible. Communicate via snail mail when physical presence is not possible.
Make it a point to learn the name of each person you routinely come into contact with, and whenever possible, strike up a conversation that will help you to learn meaningful details about that person.
Be a stable adult in the life of a child who may not have a stable home.
Instead of playing the blame game when these tragic acts of violence occur, stop to consider three things:
What kind of deep hurt and instability must have occurred in the assailant’s life to lead them to this kind of thing?
Is there someone in my life who might be hurting enough to do something similar?
What specific things can I do to prevent something similar from happening?
The Benedictine monastery with the vows of poverty, chastity, obedience, and stability works. Stability thrives in a world where we are committed to living and working together toward the common good. May we strive to adopt this model in the larger world and within our circle of influence. When we examine the stories like Columbine or the Dark Knight Rises movie massacre, we begin to see how isolated and unstable the assailants’ lives were. When we break the cycle of isolation and instability in the lives of others, we give them a chance at freedom. We give them a chance to fix the brokenness and to get the help they need.
Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, also writes a column for Good Housekeeping. Thanks to the gift of a magazine subscription from my thoughtful mother-in-law, I look forward to reading Gretchen’s practical tips in each month’s issue. And, yes, Gretchen and I are on a first name basis.
In the May 2012 issue, Gretchen wrote a column called “Built-In Happiness: How to get it and keep it.” According to her, there are three keys to happiness:
1. Self-knowledge 2. Anticipation 3. Love
1. Self-knowledge Basically, you need to know what your values, interests, likes/dislikes are. Know yourself, and accept who you are when you want to build-in happiness. Gretchen says, “I’ve found that the more faithfully I’m able to ‘be Gretchen’ in my daily life, the happier I become.”
I laughed out loud when she goes on in the article to say this: “Your fun may not look like other people’s fun. I myself love to help other people clean out their closets. Skiing, no way–but cleaning out a friend’s closets? That I anticipate with relish.” This woman is my kindred spirit! I recently spent an evening sipping wine and cleaning out a gal pal’s closet, and I loved every second of it!
I am learning to accept that my idea of fun is soooooooooooooooooooo lame to other people. Instead of trying to cool-ify my interests like I would have in the past, I’m learning that it makes me happier to keep doing what I love. Now, this isn’t my attempt to say, “Yay, hedonism! If it feels good, do it! If it doesn’t, avoid it!” Certainly there are some things that might be difficult for us to do that we ought to be doing. For example, just because it might be difficult for me to get up out of bed before the kids so that I can have quiet prayer time, it doesn’t mean I should stay in bed. (Speaking of which, it’s April, and I still haven’t accomplished this New Year’s Resolution! Dear reader, I’m counting on you to hold me accountable to accomplishing that. Yes, you.)
Beyond doing the stuff we ought to be doing that we’re not, what I’m getting at is that most of us are over-scheduled and tend to get overwhelmed, “working for the weekend.” Instead of using that coveted free time doing something that you really don’t enjoy, do some humbling introspection, figure out what your interests really are, and find out if the people you love want to do them with you. If no one you know shares your interest, maybe it’s time to branch out and make some new friends who share your interest in biking or scrapbooking.
2. Anticipation This is my favorite part of the article, and this is the part I need to work on the most: building in the things that make me happy by literally making appointments for them. Otherwise, it’s too easy for me to talk myself out of doing the thing that makes me happy because the guilt of all of the other things I think need to get done take over.
“We should all be able to flip through our calendars and see at least a few pleasant things scheduled for future weeks. If your life is a parade of obligations, dreaded tasks, unpleasant encounters, and mandatory appearances, take a minute to figure out something that you’d find fun, and make time for it. Wish you had more time to talk in the park with your dog? To work on a craft project? To have coffee with your sister? Schedule it into your calendar like you would a dentist appointment. Even before it happens, you’ll get a happiness boost every time you anticipate it. (Also, if you put it on your calendar, you’ll be far more likely to actually do it.)”
I need to start looking at my calendar and day-to-day routine to figure out how I can build in these interests and hobbies and build up my relationships.
Philip and I talk all the time about how we need to go to bed earlier, and we both enjoy reading. Philip and I need to schedule bedtime to happen at a reasonable, fixed time so that we know the next episode of “Downton Abbey” will be waiting for us tomorrow and that it’s time to have some quiet reading time together in bed.
Instead of ending a playdate with “see you guys soon,” why not end it with, “Would you guys like to come over next Thursday at 10 and stay for lunch?”
Instead of leaving the scrapbook left for whenever I’ll get around to it next, why not write “Scrapbooking 8:30 p.m.” on the calendar for Tuesday night after the kids have gone to bed, and let Philip know that I’d like to spend that time working at my craft station while he does some hobby of his own? 3. Love We need others to be happy, but we need to be independent enough to love ourselves first.
“Strong relationships with other people are critical to a happy life. We need close, long-lasting relationships; we need to belong; we need to give and receive support–perhaps surprisingly, giving support is just as important to happiness as getting support. Not only does having strong relationships make it far more likely that you’ll take joy in life, but studies show that it also lengthens life (incredibly, even more than stopping smoking), boosts immunity, and cuts the risk of depression.”
Now that I’m staying at home, I am learning that I need to get out of the house and be with other people I love to get through the winter or usually isolating times (like having a newborn baby). Literally being cooped up all to ourselves without interaction with the outside world would drive me crazy in the winter months. The days that were hardest to get out of the house because someone missed a nap or I was frustrated with something were the days that we needed to get out the most.
“To connect more deeply with people, I need to build my independent happiness…By being emotionally self-sufficient, I free myself (well, admittedly, only somewhat) from depending on other people to boost me up or letting them drag me down. When I have my own built-in happiness, I don’t act like a happiness vampire who sucks happy energy from other people or craves a lifeblood of praise, affirmation, or reassurance to support my happiness.”
I don’t know about you, but when I read that, I had a lightbulb moment. We all know people who can be the “happiness vampires” in our lives, sucking out our happiness and zest for life with their doomy gloomy negat
ivity or self-centeredness. Or, maybe we’re those “happiness vampires” for others. Some of us are blessed to have more people in our lives who boost us up than the “happiness vampires.” The danger of these feelings and being too attached to this world (and its people) is what Gretchen is writing about–allowing ourselves to be on a daily emotional rollercoaster ride whose ups and downs are determined by the people around us and their emotions.
Being independently happy isn’t necessarily selfish (unless, of course, it becomes your sole focus in life!). What I think Gretchen is getting at is that we will be happier, and consequently, the people around us will be happier, if we don’t mirror back the negativeness of the “happiness vampires,” and we’re happy enough independently of others to not live from one moment of praise or reassurance to the next.
Empathy is a beautiful thing, and we all need other people with which to share in life’s ups and downs and to make us feel understood. The danger, though, is depending on others too deeply and allowing them to knock us down or be the only way we feel built up.
So, build-in some happiness in your life! Follow Gretchen’s 3 steps:
Know yourself and figure out what you love.
Actually schedule what you love in your life.
Foster strong, long-lasting relationships with people who love you, and love yourself (not because you’re selfish, but because you’re a beautiful child of God).
How have you built-in happiness in your life? Do you already do some of these things?
1. Get out and go where the mamas and children are
This sounds easy enough, but for us new moms who are getting used to the ins and outs of running a home with little ones, it’s much easier to stay at home and keep up with the usual routine than to get out of the house. Getting out with little ones usually involves breaking your kiddos’ schedules and/or finding yourself in uncomfortable situations. After all, when little ones are involved, anything can happen! Combine that with inclement weather, and you’ve got a really exciting outing on your hands. Navigating a crowded parking lot covered in snow with little ones is a tricky thing indeed. No wonder so many of us moms wind up stuck at home, keeping the status quo, rather than trekking out to make some social connections.
I joke about it all the time, but I need these regular outings to maintain my English speaking skills! I find myself more and more tongue-tied the longer I stay at home. Finding other mamas to talk with during the day helps me to break out of my bubble.
The kids and I make regular visits to the neighborhood park, library, community center, museum, zoo, clothing stores, our parish church, and, of course, the grocery store/Walmart. These places are always full of other mamas and children.
2. Observe the mamas and children in action
Once you’re out and about town and find the mamas and children, observe them in action. No need to be a creeper. Consider it just a little healthy people watching. Seeing how the mamas and children respond to the inevitable uncomfortable situations when they arise will help you determine which mama you want to strike up a conversation with. These are your Potential Mama Friends (PMFs).
When PMF’s toddler whacks another kid upside the head with a shovel at the playground, does PMF scream at the toddler and say, “Francois, what the bleep is wrong with you?!” If so, she’s probably not PMF material.
On the other hand, if PMF’s toddler steals your kid’s shovel and PMF intervenes, encouraging them to share and take turns, she’s definite PMF material.
A mom friend is a special breed of friend. Not only does she need to be someone that you’d want to have a cup of coffee with, but she needs to have a compatible parenting style and similar values. If your parenting styles don’t mix, it’ll be obvious, and your future playdates will be an awkward tightrope walk of inner questions. “Oooooo, does she think I’m being too harsh with the kids? Maybe she thinks I’m way too permissive with them.” If that inner monologue is playing constantly during the playdate, perhaps you’re better suited to see this mama sans kiddos since your parenting styles don’t mix and it becomes a stressful visit for everyone.
Unfortunately, even if we are as desirable as ever (duh) as mama friends, our kids can turn the best of playdates into a scene from The Exorcist.
How did Jane learn how to do “the sleeper” move? Has she been watching WWF after Philip and I go to bed at night?
These moments of conflict are great learning moments for you and the kids. Your cool PMF might pull out a discipline trick you’ve never thought of before, or you might offer some quick conflict resolution over the coveted princess tiara in the dress-up bin. Seeing how PMFs navigate these potentially uncomfortable situations can be the perfect catalyst to a mommy-mance.
3. Strike up a conversation with the awesome mamas
You see a mom across the community center gym with four kids and she’s giving out equal amounts of hugs and tough love. While holding her baby and pushing her toddler in a scooter, her older child wipes out across the gym because he was riding his bike like Evel Knievel. She handles it like a pro. She doesn’t bat an eye, waits for his reaction from the tumble, and gives him just the reassurance he needs before he hops back on the bike. This is the mama you strike up a conversation with.
This kind of PMF can juggle a conversation during a playdate while keeping an eye on the kiddos. She doesn’t let the inevitable outbursts or tumbles ruin the day. She rolls with the punches and doesn’t think you’re a terrible mom when your kid does something “developmentally appropriate.” She’s been there. She’s had those days, too. In fact, she has some fantastic horror stories to share with you and cheer you up with when you’re having a bad day.
She doesn’t have to be perfect to be a PMF for you to strike up a conversation. In fact, she’s a better PMF candidate if she’s quick to admit the imperfections and, in spite of them, go about her day, being the best mama she can be.
While you and PMF visit, remember the stand-by rule that people are really good at talking about themselves and generally like it when people show interest in them. So, dazzle PMF with your interest in her and her children. Find out if she has any hobbies, what her husband’s like, what kinds of things they’re involved with in town. If your city is anything like ours, you’re sure to make at least one connection by talking about the things you’re both involved with. By discussing your “social resumé,” you’ll quickly identify if you have enough in common to continue this mommy-mance.
Of course, the world’s an interesting place because we’re not all the same, and it’s good to have friends with different interests and hobbies, but the best mommy-mances involve mamas with similar values and goals. I don’t just want mamas that I can call for a playdate or tips on nursing. I want mommy-mances with
mamas who I’d be friends with with or without the kids. These are the mamas who are interested in who I am beyond the mother of Janie and Walt. They know I have interests beyond changing diapers. Inevitably, mom stuff will come up in conversation because it’s what we do, but we won’t only “talk shop.”
Striking up a conversation and finding out about one another’s interests and families is a quick and easy way to find out if this PMF encounter will lead to a mommy-mance. If PMF has a bumper sticker that says “Keep Your Rosaries Off My Ovaries” or their child is on a leash, those might be clues we’re not meant to be Best Mama Friends Forever (BMFF). If we’re not meant to be BMFF, that’s okay. No harm, no foul. We might still meet up and get the kids together, but this isn’t a mama I’m likely to continue mama-mancing to see if we’ll take it to the next level–the mamas out for coffee or shopping date level.
If, however, PMF mentions things like volunteering for EPS, her husband is in Knights of Columbus, or we share an addiction to Pinterest, these might be clues that she’s meant to be my mommy-mate. It could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Mommy-mates are able to get the kids together for playdates, have a little soul sister time, and, if all goes well, maybe even the husbands will hit it off!
Be bold, be brave, and get ready for Step 4.
4. Suggest meeting up again
You had a great conversation, the kids got along well, and you seem to have a lot in common. It’s time to secure a second playdate. So as not to seem too pushy or over-excited to make a new mama friend, keep it a casual, public date.
“It was so nice meeting you! The kids seem to get along really well, and I’d love to see you again. We’re going to the children’s museum next week. Would you and your kids want to meet up?”
If you were never one to ask guys out on dates, this might be really uncomfortable for you. Be brave. Put yourself out there. There’s no shame in having a mom tell you some excuse if they’re not ready for a mommy-mance. You’re a fun mama and your kids are great. Who wouldn’t want to be your BMFF?
Pick a specific time and place and get back in touch with your dating days by giving PMF your digits and getting hers. That’s all there is to it.
Congratulations! You just picked up a mama and secured a second playdate!
