![The 3rd “P” in Our Family’s Rule of Life: Partner]()
by Catherine | Jan 22, 2015 | Marriage
In case you’ve missed the previous three posts in the series, I’m revisiting our Family’s Rule of Life (based on Holly Pierlot’s book, A Mother’s Rule of Life). Basically, a Rule of Life is an examination of your vocation and its essential duties so that you can put them into a proper schedule. After my introduction post in the series, I jumped into what Holly Pierlot calls the “5 P’s”:
- Prayer
- Person
- Partner
- Parent
- Provider
I’ve already looked at Prayer and Person. Today, we’re moving on to the 3rd “P”: Partner. This post is all about how Philip and I are working to further nurture and strengthen our marriage.
One of my favorite pictures from our wedding day is this one:
During our nuptial Mass, our pastor gave us a crucifix that he blessed while we held it in our hands. He instructed us to hang the crucifix in a prominent place in our home as a reminder that our marriage is to mirror Christ’s love for His Church. Marriage, after all, is one of the sacraments of service. As Holly Pierlot wrote in A Mother’s Rule of Life, “The sacrament of marriage is meant to enable us to fulfill a mission–in this instance, a mission of service and love toward our spouse.” I love that our wise pastor reminded us of this sacred mission entrusted to us in the sacrament of marriage. When we live marriage well, we are channels of grace for our spouses and help them on their way to heaven.
In order to make sure that we remain channels of grace for one another, we are working on keeping these things in mind:
- Attribute only good motives to one another’s actions
- When faced with problems, treat it as “you and me vs. the problem” instead of “me vs. you”
- Before jumping in, ask ourselves, “Am I seeking my spouse’s good, or am I just trying to interfere?”
- Distinguish between emotions and facts (Remember my resolve to respond instead of react?)
- Sincerely desire to hear each other’s needs
- When disagreements arise: defer to the spouse who is the “expert” in the area, ask for outside advice when needed, and commit to both of us owning the decision
- Remember St. Pope John Paul II’s definition of love as “availability, acceptance, and help”
Date Night Selfie
I had some fun making a list of ways that I can show Philip how much I love him. I thought of ways I could help him other than regular housework, how I can show him that he is appreciated, ways I can make his life easier, and little things I can do to keep the spark going. Here are a few of the things I came up with:
- Put his favorite meals on the menu
- Leave little love notes in his workout bag, iPad case, or car sun visor
- Pack his lunches (he usually makes his own)
- Bake a special treat or a loaf of bread to go with dinner
- Take care of me like I did when we were dating (exercise, hair, makeup, etc.)
- Be attentive in conversation (eye contact, follow-up questions, put down all devices)
- Give him a warm homecoming (big hug and smooch, pause what I’m doing to welcome him home)
- Pray for him throughout the day
- Give him words of affirmation (general (that he’s a great dad, husband, son, doctor, friend, etc.) and specific (that he did a great job on a particular task, that I appreciate a specific personality trait, that he is handsome, funny, witty, romantic, etc.)
- Checking in on a regular basis to find out how we can further improve our intimate life
- Relinquish control and defer to Philip more often
- Take a more active role in planning our date nights
What are we doing on a regular basis to nurture our relationship?
- Regular time together after the kids go to bed (I stop doing housework after I close up the kitchen and we put kids to bed. We schedule pockets of time to work on projects throughout the week, but we largely set aside our evenings to be together.)
- Early bedtime to keep both of us rested (In bed at 9:30, lights out at 10)
- Family meeting every Sunday night to keep our week on track
- Scheduling an at-home date night during the week every week (sometimes it’s as simple as a glass of wine and cuddling on the couch)
- Regular date nights out of the house at least once a month
- Reading books about marriage together for our “bedtime book club” (we spend time reading before bed and will discuss what we’re reading)
- Couple prayer time before bed (Lately, we’ve been reading a reflection by Mother Angelica on one mystery of the Rosary, and Philip will lead us in praying a decade of the Rosary. Then, we’ll close with some spontaneous prayer.)
- Sharing a weekly holy hour (We alternate who goes each week while the other one stays home with the kids.)
- Working on the different areas of intimacy we learned during our engagement NFP training using the acronym SPICE
- Spiritual
- Physical
- Intellectual
- Communicative/Creative
- Emotional
- Finding regular opportunities to enrich our marriage. (We’re attending a Marriage Encounter retreat next month.)
- Scheduling time for each of us to have breaks, exercise, get out with friends, or work on a hobby
* * *
I am thrilled to share a fantastic resource with you! Remember how I’m a podcast junkie and especially love anything with Fr. John Riccardo? Well, my friends, Fr. Riccardo just launched a 5-week program at his parish in which he looks at the Biblical vision of marriage and family. I listened to Week 1 this morning as I worked on my morning jobs, and it was fantastic. (The sound cuts out in a few places, but the content is so rich that it’s worth fast forwarding through the spotty parts of the broadcast.) I’m going to ask Philip to listen to them with me as a mini marriage study. Perhaps you and your husband can do the same!
When I resume the series on our Family’s Rule of Life, we’ll look at the 4th “P”: Parent.
Questions for you:
How do you take care of your marriage? Have you let your marriage take a backseat to your children’s needs or the general busy-ness of life?
Make a list of all of the ways you can show your spouse that you love him/her. Try to do at least one of those things this week.
![The 2nd "P" in Our Family's Rule of Life: Person]()
by Catherine | Jan 21, 2015 | Faith, Family, The Homefront
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m revisiting our Family’s Rule of Life (inspired by Holly Pierlot’s book, A Mother’s Rule of Life.) This is my third post in the series.
In the first post, I:
- explained what a “Rule of Life” is
- discussed my vocation (Child of God, wife, mother) and its essential duties
- shared our family’s mission statement
- set myself up to dive into the “5 P’s.”
The 5 P’s are:
- Prayer
- Person
- Partner
- Parent
- Provider
In the second post, I discussed the 1st “P”: Prayer.
Today, I’m jumping into the 2nd “P”: Person. In a nutshell, “Person” encompasses everything related to what’s going on with us physically, what’s happening internally, and how/why we’re doing and acting the way we are. The goal in searching out all of this self-knowledge is for us to gain true humility–to see ourselves as we really are. When we’re able to do that, we will realize how dependent we are on God, we will be emboldened to use our gifts, and we will be more motivated to improve on our weaknesses.
My study of “Person” involved 3 major umbrella topics:
- Healing (purifying pain vs. pain in need of healing)
- Spiritual Direction (Freedom and Integrity)
- Personal Needs
Healing
We all have pain, but Holly Pierlot provided a distinction between purifying pain and pain in need of healing that was a big help to me.
Purifying pain brings with it the grace to accept it, and to give oneself trustingly, offering oneself to the Father with Jesus. Pain in need of healing brings despair and discouragement.
In other words, God does not expect us to shoulder every cross that comes our way. While some pain can be purifying (it strengthens our resolve to live a life of heroic virtue) and can lead us closer to God, there is some pain that we should seek healing from. Keeping this in mind, I decided to make a few appointments for myself.
Physical Pain in Need of Healing: Without getting into all of the details (especially for my male readers!), let’s just say that an OBGYN is going to help get everything back in place that has been out of place.
A blood panel with my new internist revealed some hormonal irregularities and deficiencies. I was suuuuuuuuuuuuuper low on Vitamin D, and my progesterone levels were low, too. I’m managing them with medication and supplements to get things where they should be.
Non-Physical Pain in Need of Healing: Remember those 4 questions that are helping me to respond instead of react? Slowly but surely, I’m learning that I allow past hurts to dictate my reactions. I’m going to start meeting with a psychologist through Catholic Social Services to help me get to the bottom of things, teach me new anger management strategies, and work to heal those past hurts.
Spiritual Direction
Remember how I made a 2015 Board of Spiritual Directors? I’ve already gained so much from those holy men and women, but I’m still hoping to have my own personal spiritual director that I can meet with on a monthly basis. The goal is to find him/her by the end of the month so that I can start working with him/her toward Christian freedom. As Holly Pierlot’s university professor, Fr. Tom Daley, told her, “Freedom is taking responsibility for who you are to become.” When I decide to take responsibility for who it is that God is calling me to be, I will experience Christian freedom. In order to do that, I need to work toward becoming ordered internally. Holly Pierlot says, “The only way to get closer to God was to become ordered enough inside to enable me to experience him within.” My hope is that my spiritual director will help me to see what I am allowing to prevent me from having that internal order, and what I can do to change that.
Personal Needs
We all have our unique needs that help us to stay ordered internally. For me, they are:
- Quiet
- Personal morning prayer while the house is quiet
- Wednesday afternoon “Mother’s Helper”
- A high school neighbor girl watches the kids for two hours in the afternoon every Wednesday. I use the time for whatever I’d like as a mid-week recharge–blogging, running errands, a craft, meal prep, sewing, or a household project.
- Mother’s Sabbath
- Every other Saturday, I get to spend a few hours out of the house to recharge. I don’t have a set agenda, but I like I go to the Catholic bookstore, sit at a nearby coffee shop, work on the blog, read, or write in my prayer journal. One Saturday a month, I am making it a goal to end that time in confession.
- Exercise
- Philip and I came up with a schedule so that we can take turns getting in a workout in the morning.
- I take Monty for walks around the neighborhood after dinner while Philip gives the kids baths and gets them ready for bed. (As they’re finishing their evening chores, I come back to finish the dinner dishes and close up the kitchen for the night.)
- Nutritious Food
- Continued meal planning and scheduled date nights at new restaurants keep us from veering away from a planned, nutritious meal
- Rest
- Philip and I instituted an early bedtime. During the week, we are supposed to be in bed at 9:30 and have our lights out at 10. We have our good nights, but we have been staying up later this past week to spend more time together.
- We still take “family naps” on the weekends.
- Friendship
- Dinner Club for Underachievers (The inaugural dinner this past weekend was a big success, and we are excited to have this regular fixture on our calendar)
- Bunco one Friday night a month
- Weekly Bible study
- Occasional dinners out with friends
- Regularly scheduled playdates
- Intellectual Stimulation
- Regular pockets of time to read (after morning prayer, during the kids’ naps, or before bed)
Questions for you:
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you allowing the vocation as a wife or mother to become an excuse to ignore your own personal needs? How can you enlist your husband, wife, children, or friends to help you to take better care of yourself? I’d love to hear your ideas!
* * *
Tomorrow, we’ll take a look at the 3rd “P”: Partner. As you might expect, this one is all about marriage. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life learning about this “P”!
![The 2nd “P” in Our Family’s Rule of Life: Person]()
by Catherine | Jan 21, 2015 | Faith, Family, The Homefront
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m revisiting our Family’s Rule of Life (inspired by Holly Pierlot’s book, A Mother’s Rule of Life.) This is my third post in the series.
In the first post, I:
- explained what a “Rule of Life” is
- discussed my vocation (Child of God, wife, mother) and its essential duties
- shared our family’s mission statement
- set myself up to dive into the “5 P’s.”
The 5 P’s are:
- Prayer
- Person
- Partner
- Parent
- Provider
In the second post, I discussed the 1st “P”: Prayer.
Today, I’m jumping into the 2nd “P”: Person. In a nutshell, “Person” encompasses everything related to what’s going on with us physically, what’s happening internally, and how/why we’re doing and acting the way we are. The goal in searching out all of this self-knowledge is for us to gain true humility–to see ourselves as we really are. When we’re able to do that, we will realize how dependent we are on God, we will be emboldened to use our gifts, and we will be more motivated to improve on our weaknesses.
My study of “Person” involved 3 major umbrella topics:
- Healing (purifying pain vs. pain in need of healing)
- Spiritual Direction (Freedom and Integrity)
- Personal Needs
Healing
We all have pain, but Holly Pierlot provided a distinction between purifying pain and pain in need of healing that was a big help to me.
Purifying pain brings with it the grace to accept it, and to give oneself trustingly, offering oneself to the Father with Jesus. Pain in need of healing brings despair and discouragement.
In other words, God does not expect us to shoulder every cross that comes our way. While some pain can be purifying (it strengthens our resolve to live a life of heroic virtue) and can lead us closer to God, there is some pain that we should seek healing from. Keeping this in mind, I decided to make a few appointments for myself.
Physical Pain in Need of Healing: Without getting into all of the details (especially for my male readers!), let’s just say that an OBGYN is going to help get everything back in place that has been out of place.
A blood panel with my new internist revealed some hormonal irregularities and deficiencies. I was suuuuuuuuuuuuuper low on Vitamin D, and my progesterone levels were low, too. I’m managing them with medication and supplements to get things where they should be.
Non-Physical Pain in Need of Healing: Remember those 4 questions that are helping me to respond instead of react? Slowly but surely, I’m learning that I allow past hurts to dictate my reactions. I’m going to start meeting with a psychologist through Catholic Social Services to help me get to the bottom of things, teach me new anger management strategies, and work to heal those past hurts.
Spiritual Direction
Remember how I made a 2015 Board of Spiritual Directors? I’ve already gained so much from those holy men and women, but I’m still hoping to have my own personal spiritual director that I can meet with on a monthly basis. The goal is to find him/her by the end of the month so that I can start working with him/her toward Christian freedom. As Holly Pierlot’s university professor, Fr. Tom Daley, told her, “Freedom is taking responsibility for who you are to become.” When I decide to take responsibility for who it is that God is calling me to be, I will experience Christian freedom. In order to do that, I need to work toward becoming ordered internally. Holly Pierlot says, “The only way to get closer to God was to become ordered enough inside to enable me to experience him within.” My hope is that my spiritual director will help me to see what I am allowing to prevent me from having that internal order, and what I can do to change that.
Personal Needs
We all have our unique needs that help us to stay ordered internally. For me, they are:
- Quiet
- Personal morning prayer while the house is quiet
- Wednesday afternoon “Mother’s Helper”
- A high school neighbor girl watches the kids for two hours in the afternoon every Wednesday. I use the time for whatever I’d like as a mid-week recharge–blogging, running errands, a craft, meal prep, sewing, or a household project.
- Mother’s Sabbath
- Every other Saturday, I get to spend a few hours out of the house to recharge. I don’t have a set agenda, but I like I go to the Catholic bookstore, sit at a nearby coffee shop, work on the blog, read, or write in my prayer journal. One Saturday a month, I am making it a goal to end that time in confession.
- Exercise
- Philip and I came up with a schedule so that we can take turns getting in a workout in the morning.
- I take Monty for walks around the neighborhood after dinner while Philip gives the kids baths and gets them ready for bed. (As they’re finishing their evening chores, I come back to finish the dinner dishes and close up the kitchen for the night.)
- Nutritious Food
- Continued meal planning and scheduled date nights at new restaurants keep us from veering away from a planned, nutritious meal
- Rest
- Philip and I instituted an early bedtime. During the week, we are supposed to be in bed at 9:30 and have our lights out at 10. We have our good nights, but we have been staying up later this past week to spend more time together.
- We still take “family naps” on the weekends.
- Friendship
- Dinner Club for Underachievers (The inaugural dinner this past weekend was a big success, and we are excited to have this regular fixture on our calendar)
- Bunco one Friday night a month
- Weekly Bible study
- Occasional dinners out with friends
- Regularly scheduled playdates
- Intellectual Stimulation
- Regular pockets of time to read (after morning prayer, during the kids’ naps, or before bed)
Questions for you:
What are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you allowing the vocation as a wife or mother to become an excuse to ignore your own personal needs? How can you enlist your husband, wife, children, or friends to help you to take better care of yourself? I’d love to hear your ideas!
* * *
Tomorrow, we’ll take a look at the 3rd “P”: Partner. As you might expect, this one is all about marriage. I think I’ll spend the rest of my life learning about this “P”!
![Put It To Work 11]()
by Catherine | Jan 19, 2015 | Faith
Happy Monday! You know what that means — it’s time to Put It To Work! We’re gonna take St. Pope John Paul II’s advice to stop wasting our suffering and start putting it to work by uniting it to the cross. Mondays, which can be a stressful or chaotic day, is the perfect time for us to set our sights on God and swap prayer intentions with the promise of “putting them to work” for one another.
Instead of allowing today to turn into a “manic Monday,” we’ll actively unite any little suffering we might have during the week to the cross for the other person’s intention.
Here are my intentions for the week:
- For one of Philip’s colleagues whose mother passed away, and for safe travels for all of those who are attending the funeral today.
- For my Aunt Debby and all of those who are looking for a new job.
- Please continue to pray for my friend, Nicole, and her family as they shoulder the heavy cross of miscarriage. (You can read about their baby Samuel’s story here.)
- For a special intention.
Your turn! What intentions can I start “putting to work” for you this week? I will add them to my prayer journal and pray for you by name throughout the week. Please share them in the comment box below, on the blog Facebook page, or send them to me via the “contact” form on the main menu bar.
Thank you for your prayers!
![7QT: Dinner Club for Underachievers]()
by Catherine | Jan 16, 2015 | Marriage
I tell ya, I have very few original ideas.
Introducing…
-1-
Last month, I was listening to a podcast of the Jennifer Fulwiler Show. Her friend and guest, Rachael, explained her twist on dinner club called “Dinner Club for Underachievers.” If you want to listen to the podcast and read more about my inspiration, click here.
Their Dinner Club for Underachievers looks like this:
- Couples take turn hosting the dinner club
- The hosts do not have to provide any food — they just provide drinks and paper plates and utensils
- Each guest brings a dish (appetizer, main course, or dessert)
- The guests don’t bring kids (but the host’s kids can stay there)
- We gather every other month
-2-
I told Philip about the podcast and explained the gist to him. Together, we decided to create our own Dinner Club for Underachievers. We loved the idea because it made the idea of a fancy schmancy dinner club so much more accessible for young couples–especially those with little ones at home. We wanted a regular opportunity to gather the couples we know for some food, drinks, and fun. While I have had several opportunities to make friends through the parish and play dates, Philip has had few opportunities outside of work. We thought this would be a great chance to get the couples together and give the guys a chance to get together without organizing something themselves. Maybe they’ll do that down the road!
-3-
We decided upon these general guidelines for our Dinner Club for Underachievers:
- The group will meet every odd month of the year
- Unless someone else wants to, we’re happy to continue hosting each time
- A sitter will help with our kids, and everyone else’s kids will stay home
- We’ll take care of a few appetizers, drinks, paper plates/plastic utensils
- Other couples are assigned an appetizer, entrée, side, or dessert (and are instructed how many servings to provide). We reminded them that it’s a Dinner Club for Underachievers, so they better not be slaving over their contribution in the kitchen.
-4-
As we set about creating our guest list, we decided it would *NOT* be an exclusive group. (If you’re reading this and you were inadvertently left off of the guest list, I apologize! You’re more than welcome to join us for the next one in March–really! The more the merrier!) So, that being said, we had a long list of guests that we invited, assuming that several would have a conflict or wouldn’t want to commit. We wanted to have a large group so that the party can still go on when life happens and a few couples have to bow out. As the guest on the Jennifer Fulwiler show said, sometimes they might end up with more sides than entrées because of last minute cancellations, but they always have plenty of food because of the large guest list. She said nobody complains if that happens because they’re mostly young couples with little kids. They’re so happy to be out of the house that they barely notice the food!
-5-
As it turns out, almost everyone we invited to our “Dinner Club for Underachievers” thought it sounded as fantastic as we did! The thought process seemed to be, “No kids? Uninterrupted adult conversation? Easy food contribution? SOLD!” Nearly everyone that we invited RSVP’d “yes,” so it’s gonna be a full house!
-6-
Since we’re only responsible for providing the plates/utensils, a few apps, and drinks, hosting isn’t nearly as stressful as it would be if we were making the whole meal like dinner club hosts usually do. This frees us up to make some fun drinks (stay tuned to find out what’s at the bar) and add little perks to the evening to make it more enjoyable for the guests.
-7-
Pray that the neighbors don’t call the police as our street is overtaken by cars. We’re just young people looking to have a good time with our friends! I’ll share pictures and other details after the event. Stay tuned…
To read more 7QT posts, head over to Kelly Mantoan’s hilarious blog, This Ain’t the Lyceum.
