![The Year of Me: Nutrition Goals Update]()
by Catherine | Sep 21, 2016 | Uncategorized
New to the blog? Did you know I’m having a Year of Me? Last time, I shared about my Fitness Goals Update. Today, I’m talking all about my Nutrition Goals.
Nutrition
I had such a disordered relationship with food during pregnancy. During pregnancy, it was more about eating whatever it took to keep myself from throwing up than it was about satisfying cravings. Eating around the clock and staying on top of my anti-nausea medication were the only two things that made me feel minor relief.
One of my main goals with nutrition was to do weekly menu planning with Philip. We’ve met this goal every week since beginning the Year of Me. We’ve worked together to find healthy menu items that work for the whole family. We continue to work on portion control and balancing all of the food groups. I have the same breakfast and lunch almost every day. For me, having the same meals for breakfast and lunch everyday take away the mental exhaustion of more decisions. We’ve figured out how to make things ahead of time to keep breakfast and lunch super convenient. This was key for me during survival mode with a newborn and 3 little ones home during the dog days of summer!
For breakfast, Philip prepares me the breakfast of champions! We have this awesome little egg skillet that he prepares 2 eggs in. He takes great pleasure in the daily egg flip. He serves them on a toasted whole grain English muffin with one slice of ham, a banana, and a cup of coffee with 2T of creamer. I eat while pumping before my workout and sip my coffee throughout the morning.
For lunch, I’ve found some fantastic salad packs from SAM’s Club. I put some of these mixes in a bowl, throw some grilled chicken breasts on top, and pour some dressing on. Unfortunately, I’m not getting any money for sharing them with you. Ha! Philip grills the chicken breasts for me at the beginning of the week. We chop them up and keep them in a tupperware in the fridge. Sometimes I’ll switch it up and add leftover proteins from dinner.
My favorite salad mixes:
We have a big variety in our dinner menu, but the options are very healthy. Having variety in the dinner menu helps me to stick with my breakfast and lunch staples. We’re pretty adventurous when it comes to food, so it’s rare for us to repeat the same recipes for dinner.
For snacks, I’m loving KIND Bars and Greek yogurt with fresh fruit or granola on top. Yogurt parfaits are a fun treat, too.
I was keeping a food diary using the My Fitness Pal app. I loved it, but I stopped using it after awhile since I felt that I had a good handle on nutrition. Using it for nearly a month taught me a lot about how to put my calories to work. I put an end to mindless eating and worked hard to find menu items that would not only keep my tummy from growling but also keep me from feeling deprived.
Since implementing my nutrition goals, I’ve seen my weight drastically change. I know my physical activity is contributing, but I think it has much more to do with my nutrition. I’ve also noticed that my digestive system is much happier with me than it was when I was more sedentary. It has been super easy to keep the routine going now that we’ve streamlined the menu planning and meal prep.
My favorite part is that I’m continuing to lose at a healthy rate, but I’m still getting to have occasional treats like a glass of wine, 100 calorie packs of microwave kettle corn, or Dove dark chocolates. I’m a moderator instead of an abstainer, so having treats doesn’t derail me the way it might for some people. In fact, having a little treat every now and then is helping me to stay on track instead of abstaining from sweets altogether. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, read about moderators vs. abstainers. Gretchen Rubin introduced me to the idea.) I’m still nursing Dorothy, so I will make adjustments whenever she weans for my calorie intake.
Going forward, I’m going to work on:
- Re-organizing my favorite recipes
- Meal prep during afternoon naptime
Questions for You
What’s working for you in the area of nutrition? Do you eat the same things for certain meals everyday, or would that not work for you? How do you do your meal planning? Do you have any favorite snacks or relatively healthy treats that keep you satisfied? Share, share, share!
![The Year of Me: Fitness Goals Update]()
by Catherine | Sep 14, 2016 | Everything Else
Dorothy was born March 28th, 2016. In the middle of the newborn phase fog, I decided that the date of my 6-week follow-up with my OBGYN would be my 2nd New Year, kicking off the Year of Me. The Year of Me is all about filling myself up so that I can pour myself out for my family and loved ones. I created goals around the areas of fitness, nutrition, prayer/spiritual life, rest, and me time.
Since I started sharing about the Year of Me, I’ve been contacted by so many of my friends saying that they’re feeling motivated to do a Year of Me for themselves. I can’t tell you how awesome that is to me! I don’t think I’m doing anything particularly unique or revolutionary; I just want other women to know that they’re worth it, that they can do it, and that it just takes a daily decision to say “yes” to that baby step.
As important as this is to me, you’d think that I’d remember the day it officially began, but I don’t. I just tried going back to scan my calendar for the date of my 6-week follow-up, but it’s somehow not there. I think I was crafting my goals and starting to work toward them from the moment I left the hospital with Dorothy. Since May 9th is exactly 6 weeks after Dorothy’s birthday, let’s just call May 9th the start of the Year of Me. That means I’m 4 months (or one-third) into the Year of Me, so I thought I’d give an update on how things are going in every area:
Let’s start things off with Fitness!
What a transformation! During pregnancy, I was almost completely sedentary. I was so, so, so sick, and I struggled to get through most days. Nonetheless, I gained more weight with Dorothy than I did during my other pregnancies because of my disordered relationship with food. (More on that next time when I get to my Nutrition Goals.) For the Year of Me, I was motivated to get moving and get myself back into fighting form. Getting started, it was much more about feeling good again than it was about the number on the scale or being able to fit into a certain size.
Back in May, I started running at the gym using the Couch to 5K app. I thought it would be fun to share pictures of the treadmill screen or my Couch to 5K finish screen on social media with the hashtag #yearofme. More than anything, putting those pictures up meant that I was serious about fitness and that I’d have to keep it up since I was telling everyone I know on Facebook and Instagram about it.
I am pleased to report that I started going to the gym 3x/week in May and haven’t stopped since. I struggled to run for 1 minute when I first started the C25K app (Couch to 5K) during my treadmill time, but I stuck with it. I became a Couch 2 5K graduate a month-ish ago. Now, I’m doing 30-minute runs at least 3 times a week at 5.5 speed on the treadmill. If you haven’t checked out the app, do it! That app was like my own little personal trainer in my headphones. It didn’t hurt that I got to listen to my favorite podcasts while I ran!
Our schedule drastically changed with the start of the school year, so I had to rework a few things. This whole parenting thing is teaching me that I have to be at peace with finding what will work for 3 months at a time. Then, I need to be able to change it again when life inevitably changes three months later. Exercising as a parent can’t be about finding what will work forever; it’s about finding what works right now and doing it. I decided I was tired of our mornings getting eaten up at the gym, so I thought I’d try hammering out my exercise before getting the kids off to school. I started running on our treadmill at home in the early morning this week. I’m loving getting in my exercise and shower before the kids are up. That way (in theory), I can get errands run or housework done in the morning while the kids are at school and Dorothy is napping. It’s a beautiful thing when it works out.
In addition to my regular runs, I had a goal to walk our dog, Monty, everyday. Poor Monty. He’s still not getting regular walks. He’s just a 14 lb. lap dog, but he could use a brisk walk everyday.
Another one of my goals was to get moving with the kids for at least half an hour everyday. We easily met that goal with regular play, and we are trying to get them outside as much as possible after school before bedtime.
I am very pleased to report that I weigh less now than I did before I got pregnant with Dorothy, and I’m just a few pounds away from where I was when we got married in 2008. Granted, my body shape is just a *TAD* different after birthing all of these babies, but it’s a beautiful thing to have my clothes fit again and make me feel good. Most importantly, I have so much more energy, and I feel like a strong mama. It doesn’t hurt that Philip likes the results from my exercise, too! I’m still nursing Dorothy, so we’ll see what happens whenever she decides to start weaning. It’s my goal to make it to her first birthday. This is the longest I’ve nursed any of our babies, so I’m entering into unchartered territory. Stay tuned!
Going forward, my exercise goals are:
- Run 3x/week
- Schedule an appointment with a personal trainer by October 1st
- Lift: 2 strength training sessions per week
- Walk Monty for at least 10 minutes every day
- Move: At least 15 minutes of heart pumping activity with the kids on school nights (outside, Go Noodle, basement roughhousing, other fitness apps/games)
Questions for You
What’s working and what’s not for you in the area of fitness? Any tips, tricks, or advice?
Would you consider joining me for a Year of YOU? What would be your goals? What areas are you working on in your life? I’d love to hear about your struggles, your progress, and the milestones you’re reaching. I’ve been so encouraged by my progress, and I’d love it if you would share about what’s going on in your Year of YOU!
![“Their Invitation is Your Permission” in Our Marriage]()
by Catherine | Sep 8, 2016 | Marriage
Last time, I introduced the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” and what it looks like in my relationships. If you missed that one, click here. Today, I’m talking about what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage when one of us has hurt feelings.
If you remember, I first heard the phrase “their invitation is your permission” on the Happy Hour Podcast with Jamie Ivey. Jamie talked about what “their invitation is your permission” looks like with her and her husband Aaron. When Jamie thinks Aaron is upset, she’ll ask him, “‘Hey, are you upset with me?’ and he says, ‘No,’ then I have to believe him. If he’s still acting like he’s upset, then it might be something else, or it’s his turn now to say, like, ‘Hey, I didn’t really…’ but I’m gonna believe you when you say that.”
Jamie has a southern drawl and spouts off these pearls so seamlessly that you might have missed what she said in there. It’s so simple and sounds like such a “duh” kind of thing, but very few of my relationships are built on this kind of simple, direct communication. What she says is vital for marriages. Go back, read what she said, and you’ll realize that there’s a simple formula she relies on her in communication with her husband when conflict arises. Here’s her formula:
- Sense conflict.
- Ask the other person if he/she is upset.
- Listen to the other person say “yes” or “no”
- Believe what the other person says.
The last part is key. We must believe what the other person says. 8 years into our marriage, Philip and I are starting to get a handle on how the other person processes conflict and raw emotions. Philip’s a stuffer and processor while I’m a spewer and exploder. Philip tends to need time to process things and isn’t always able to put labels on how he’s feeling. When Philip is upset, he’s usually not going to say so, and he’ll get less and less friendly as time goes on. It takes me asking him, “Are you upset?” for him to think, “Well, now that you ask, yes, I guess I am.” We’ve had many conversations about how important it is for him to tell me when he’s upset–even if he’s not sure why. More often than not, we can figure out what triggered his hurt feelings together, but it is key that Philip is able to stop, really think about whether he is upset or not, and give me an honest answer. His ability to say, “Yes, I’m upset,” allows both of us to move forward in helping him to feel better again. If he says, “No,” then he knows that I am going to believe his “No.” In the space after our conversation, he might realize like Jamie’s husband that he’s upset about something else. Or, he may just need some time to think about why he’s acting the way he is and realize that, yes, something is bothering him. If Philip tells me that he’s not upset about something when he realizes that he really is, then it’s up to him to let me know that. He can’t hold me accountable to hurt feelings he has told me he doesn’t have.
Meanwhile, I tend to spew and explode. It’s rare for Philip to need to ask me, “Are you upset?” because I’ll take the first chance I get to share my hurt feelings. Oh, yes, I’ll tell him! And I’ll tell him alllllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why I’m upset, and alllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why it’s his fault. Aren’t I darling? When I’m feeling extra rotten, I might even throw in unrelated reasons to be upset. After I’m done spewing and exploding, that’s Philip’s chance to make sure the volcano is done erupting and ask if I’m still upset. That’s my chance to give my “Yes” or “No.” If I say, “No,” then I need to know that Philip is going to believe me and move on, expecting me to move on. If I’m still upset and get ticked off that he’s acting like things are all hunky dory, then that’s on me, and I need to put my big girl pants on and say, “Actually, I’m still upset because…”
“Their Invitation is Your Permission” within marriage is so freeing. When I give Philip an invitation to share his hurt feelings, he knows that that’s his opportunity to share all of it. When I finish unloading my hurt feelings, Philip gives me an invitation to make sure I’ve shared my entire heart. 2 important things need to happen for us to truly accept the invitation:
- Believe we are safe unloading our entire hearts
- Be willing to unpack the entire hurt together
First, we need to believe that we are safe unloading our entire hearts. The person on the receiving end needs to be able to hear all of the reasons why the other person is hurting, and the person sharing needs to be able to do that without fear of telling the truth. This does not mean that the person on the receiving end will agree with everything that is said. I repeat: this does not mean that we are always going to agree with what the hurt person says. The person on the receiving end only needs to be able to listen without interruption and repeat back what they heard. We learned this game changer idea when we read Dr. Harvey Karp’s The Happiest Baby on the Block when we were preparing for the birth of our first child. Dr. Karp calls this the “Fast Food Rule (FFR)” and describes it as a helpful way to engage the irrational toddler brain when they are upset. Unsurprisingly, the FFR works great with an upset spouse, too! At a fast food restaurant, the person who is hungry talks first. Only when they have completed telling their order to the person in the window does the employee ask for clarification. “Do you want ketchup with that?” Only when the order is complete does the employee repeat back the order and ask if they got it right. In conversation, the FFR works like this: the person who is most “hungry” (upset) talks first. They tell their “order” (all of the reasons why they are upset). Only when the person who is upset is done speaking does the other person ask clarifying questions. It is so important that they remember they are only asking questions to clarify what they heard and are not interjecting to insert their version of what happened. Whether or not we choose to believe that we’re safe unloading all of our hearts hinges on the other person’s ability to listen calmly and objectively. Then, once the person “taking the order” is confident that they understand, they repeat back what they heard. “So you’re frustrated about x because x, is that right?” This is the turning point of most of our marital conflict. When we’re upset, we unload the reasons why we’re upset, our spouse listens, and they’re able to repeat back exactly what they heard, something amazing happens. We feel understood and, more often than not, roughly 90% of the tension goes away. Whether or not our spouse agrees with us at this point, we know moving forward that they get it. They might not agree with why we are upset, but they understand why we are so hurt. A spouse who is willing to patiently listen until they understand why we are hurting is usually willing to go the remaining 10% to find a solution that will bring about reconciliation and forgiveness.
If we accept the invitation to completely and safely unload our hearts until we get to a place where we feel understood, we’re ready to do the second part of the invitation: unpacking the entire hurt together. Alone, we might not realize all of the facets of why the problem is irking us, but we can usually figure it out together. Sometimes, the hurt is a symptom of a bigger problem. When Philip tells me that he’s feeling micromanaged, the problem isn’t his unwillingness to do a task to a high standard; it’s about the disrespect he feels from my nitpicking. When I tell Philip that he has been unfriendly, it’s not because he has been saying mean things or or has been unhelpful; instead, I’m probably needing a hug or more than a passing conversation. Once we’re unpacked the entire hurt, we understand moving forward how to either avoid it or stop the cycle from repeating itself in the future.
When we choose to accept those invitations as our permission to be vulnerable in our hurt, we encourage the other to be receptive to why we are hurting. When we are offered a sincere invitation to share our hearts, we act less like cagey animals and more like the wounded people that we are. It is so worth it to be brave with each other. After awhile, it stops feeling like being brave, and it starts feeling like stepping stones toward even greater intimacy. Next time you’re feeling some tension in your marriage, give your spouse an invitation to be vulnerable with their hurt. Follow the Fast Food Rule, and give them permission to completely and safely unload. Then, be willing to unpack the entire hurt together. See if it doesn’t change the way you work through conflict. Your invitation is their permission toward healing.
!["Their Invitation is Your Permission" in Our Marriage]()
by Catherine | Sep 8, 2016 | Marriage
Last time, I introduced the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” and what it looks like in my relationships. If you missed that one, click here. Today, I’m talking about what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage when one of us has hurt feelings.
If you remember, I first heard the phrase “their invitation is your permission” on the Happy Hour Podcast with Jamie Ivey. Jamie talked about what “their invitation is your permission” looks like with her and her husband Aaron. When Jamie thinks Aaron is upset, she’ll ask him, “‘Hey, are you upset with me?’ and he says, ‘No,’ then I have to believe him. If he’s still acting like he’s upset, then it might be something else, or it’s his turn now to say, like, ‘Hey, I didn’t really…’ but I’m gonna believe you when you say that.”
Jamie has a southern drawl and spouts off these pearls so seamlessly that you might have missed what she said in there. It’s so simple and sounds like such a “duh” kind of thing, but very few of my relationships are built on this kind of simple, direct communication. What she says is vital for marriages. Go back, read what she said, and you’ll realize that there’s a simple formula she relies on her in communication with her husband when conflict arises. Here’s her formula:
- Sense conflict.
- Ask the other person if he/she is upset.
- Listen to the other person say “yes” or “no”
- Believe what the other person says.
The last part is key. We must believe what the other person says. 8 years into our marriage, Philip and I are starting to get a handle on how the other person processes conflict and raw emotions. Philip’s a stuffer and processor while I’m a spewer and exploder. Philip tends to need time to process things and isn’t always able to put labels on how he’s feeling. When Philip is upset, he’s usually not going to say so, and he’ll get less and less friendly as time goes on. It takes me asking him, “Are you upset?” for him to think, “Well, now that you ask, yes, I guess I am.” We’ve had many conversations about how important it is for him to tell me when he’s upset–even if he’s not sure why. More often than not, we can figure out what triggered his hurt feelings together, but it is key that Philip is able to stop, really think about whether he is upset or not, and give me an honest answer. His ability to say, “Yes, I’m upset,” allows both of us to move forward in helping him to feel better again. If he says, “No,” then he knows that I am going to believe his “No.” In the space after our conversation, he might realize like Jamie’s husband that he’s upset about something else. Or, he may just need some time to think about why he’s acting the way he is and realize that, yes, something is bothering him. If Philip tells me that he’s not upset about something when he realizes that he really is, then it’s up to him to let me know that. He can’t hold me accountable to hurt feelings he has told me he doesn’t have.
Meanwhile, I tend to spew and explode. It’s rare for Philip to need to ask me, “Are you upset?” because I’ll take the first chance I get to share my hurt feelings. Oh, yes, I’ll tell him! And I’ll tell him alllllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why I’m upset, and alllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why it’s his fault. Aren’t I darling? When I’m feeling extra rotten, I might even throw in unrelated reasons to be upset. After I’m done spewing and exploding, that’s Philip’s chance to make sure the volcano is done erupting and ask if I’m still upset. That’s my chance to give my “Yes” or “No.” If I say, “No,” then I need to know that Philip is going to believe me and move on, expecting me to move on. If I’m still upset and get ticked off that he’s acting like things are all hunky dory, then that’s on me, and I need to put my big girl pants on and say, “Actually, I’m still upset because…”
“Their Invitation is Your Permission” within marriage is so freeing. When I give Philip an invitation to share his hurt feelings, he knows that that’s his opportunity to share all of it. When I finish unloading my hurt feelings, Philip gives me an invitation to make sure I’ve shared my entire heart. 2 important things need to happen for us to truly accept the invitation:
- Believe we are safe unloading our entire hearts
- Be willing to unpack the entire hurt together
First, we need to believe that we are safe unloading our entire hearts. The person on the receiving end needs to be able to hear all of the reasons why the other person is hurting, and the person sharing needs to be able to do that without fear of telling the truth. This does not mean that the person on the receiving end will agree with everything that is said. I repeat: this does not mean that we are always going to agree with what the hurt person says. The person on the receiving end only needs to be able to listen without interruption and repeat back what they heard. We learned this game changer idea when we read Dr. Harvey Karp’s The Happiest Baby on the Block when we were preparing for the birth of our first child. Dr. Karp calls this the “Fast Food Rule (FFR)” and describes it as a helpful way to engage the irrational toddler brain when they are upset. Unsurprisingly, the FFR works great with an upset spouse, too! At a fast food restaurant, the person who is hungry talks first. Only when they have completed telling their order to the person in the window does the employee ask for clarification. “Do you want ketchup with that?” Only when the order is complete does the employee repeat back the order and ask if they got it right. In conversation, the FFR works like this: the person who is most “hungry” (upset) talks first. They tell their “order” (all of the reasons why they are upset). Only when the person who is upset is done speaking does the other person ask clarifying questions. It is so important that they remember they are only asking questions to clarify what they heard and are not interjecting to insert their version of what happened. Whether or not we choose to believe that we’re safe unloading all of our hearts hinges on the other person’s ability to listen calmly and objectively. Then, once the person “taking the order” is confident that they understand, they repeat back what they heard. “So you’re frustrated about x because x, is that right?” This is the turning point of most of our marital conflict. When we’re upset, we unload the reasons why we’re upset, our spouse listens, and they’re able to repeat back exactly what they heard, something amazing happens. We feel understood and, more often than not, roughly 90% of the tension goes away. Whether or not our spouse agrees with us at this point, we know moving forward that they get it. They might not agree with why we are upset, but they understand why we are so hurt. A spouse who is willing to patiently listen until they understand why we are hurting is usually willing to go the remaining 10% to find a solution that will bring about reconciliation and forgiveness.
If we accept the invitation to completely and safely unload our hearts until we get to a place where we feel understood, we’re ready to do the second part of the invitation: unpacking the entire hurt together. Alone, we might not realize all of the facets of why the problem is irking us, but we can usually figure it out together. Sometimes, the hurt is a symptom of a bigger problem. When Philip tells me that he’s feeling micromanaged, the problem isn’t his unwillingness to do a task to a high standard; it’s about the disrespect he feels from my nitpicking. When I tell Philip that he has been unfriendly, it’s not because he has been saying mean things or or has been unhelpful; instead, I’m probably needing a hug or more than a passing conversation. Once we’re unpacked the entire hurt, we understand moving forward how to either avoid it or stop the cycle from repeating itself in the future.
When we choose to accept those invitations as our permission to be vulnerable in our hurt, we encourage the other to be receptive to why we are hurting. When we are offered a sincere invitation to share our hearts, we act less like cagey animals and more like the wounded people that we are. It is so worth it to be brave with each other. After awhile, it stops feeling like being brave, and it starts feeling like stepping stones toward even greater intimacy. Next time you’re feeling some tension in your marriage, give your spouse an invitation to be vulnerable with their hurt. Follow the Fast Food Rule, and give them permission to completely and safely unload. Then, be willing to unpack the entire hurt together. See if it doesn’t change the way you work through conflict. Your invitation is their permission toward healing.
![“Their Invitation is Your Permission”]()
by Catherine | Sep 2, 2016 | Uncategorized
I was listening to The Happy Hour With Jamie Ivey episode #13 last week while I did the dinner dishes. Jamie and her guest, Annie Downs, author of the book Let’s All Be Brave, were talking about bravery in relationships. They spent a chunk of the podcast talking about this phrase and its meaning:
“Their Invitation is Your Permission.” When I heard their conversation, I realized how much I needed to hear their words. The “invitation” doesn’t need to be a literal invitation for me to do something; it can be a compliment, a question of how I’m feeling, an opportunity to vent, a need for hard love truth-telling, a chance to take a break. Sometimes, it’s an actual invitation to get together or share a talent. Since listening to their podcast, I’ve been carrying the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission” along with me in all of my relationships.
In the podcast, Annie shared a story about a friend who speaks at conferences. The friend was struggling because every time a conference director called to invite her to speak, she ended up telling them why they shouldn’t hire her. Jamie said she does the same thing when someone invites her to write something.
“Do you really want me to write this?” she’d ask.
Jamie and Annie agreed that they do this in their relationships. The person gives them an invitation, and they refuse to take their permission to accept it. Annie said she even did it when it came to scheduling the recording of the podcast. She said to Jamie, “I had the wrong time and you said, ‘How about now?’ and I said, ‘Are you sure?’ And I’m like, ‘Well, you offered now. I should just listen.’
Yes, yes, yes! I do this all the time in my own life! Someone will offer to do me a favor, or maybe they’ll suggest meeting at a time that seems inconvenient for them, so I do the, “Are you sure?” thing. So. Silly. They just said they could do x, so why am I asking, “Are you sure?” Moving forward, I need to hear the words they’re saying, trust that they mean them, accept them, and move forward. Is it my own insecurity, my feelings that I’m not worth the trouble? Is it an attempt to stop someone from doing an act of love for me? Doing all of that only invites doubt into the relationship. Also, it robs their words of their meaning. I need to start allowing their words to be enough for me and give them their meaning back.
Allowing my loved ones’ words to have meaning helps me to practice giving my own words meaning. As part of His sermon on the mount, Jesus focused on swearing oaths. He told His disciples not to swear or make oaths. “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from the Evil One” (Matthew 5:37). I’m not making oaths in my everyday conversations with friends and family, but there’s an important lesson here. My loved ones will start to believe that my words are worthless if I keep muddying the waters with qualifications, excuses, or hedging around what I really want to say.
In order to make my “Yes” or “No” mean something, I need to change 2 things: First, I need to stop qualifying every “No” with an detailed explanation. Do you do this? Why do I start on a little soliloquy every time I decline an invitation? “No, I can’t come to dinner on Friday because…” Why do I feel the need to qualify every sentence or explain my every move? Do we somehow think it’s more of a social nicety to give a paragraph when a simple “no” will do? Stop. “No” is enough.
Second, when someone invites me to do something that seems inconvenient for them, I tend to accept the invitation before immediately suggesting several alternatives. Perhaps they’ll suggest to meet early on a Saturday morning for coffee. I’ll respond with something like, “Sure! Or, what about these other 3 options that seem better?” Lunacy.
When I do all of this over and over again (qualifying my “no” or accepting an invitation before immediately creating new ones), I tell the person I’m speaking to that our words aren’t enough. This trains both of us to start searching every word for a hidden message. On the receiving end, we stop believing every “yes” or “no” we hear, and we search for an underlying message of hurt, betrayal, annoyance, frustration, anger. After hearing Jamie and Annie talk about “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” I’m working on how I give and accept invitations. So, Friend, when you tell me that it works for you to get coffee early on a Saturday morning, I’m no longer going to ask, “Are you suuuuuuuuuuure?” I’m going to trust that your word is your sincere invitation to allow me to say, “Great! Looking forward to it!” And isn’t it so wonderful when a friend eagerly accepts your sincere invitation?
When I look at all of my relationships, the ones with strong communication are full of honesty and simplicity. “Their invitation is your permission” pervades every conversation. It’s really just about giving and accepting truth. When I’m on the receiving end of an invitation, how I accept it says a lot about me. If someone gives me a compliment and I choose to accept it sincerely instead of the silly false modesty thing, that can be a gift. If feels good when someone accepts a sincere compliment.
Making my own language simple will free all of us from the burden of the blabber. It brings meaning back to my words. In turn, it shows my loved ones that I’m going to believe their simple “yes” or “no.” Inviting them to believe me and showing them that I’m going to believe them removes the doubt and need for guesswork. This, my friends, is vital for any relationship.
It’s especially vital in marriage, and next time I’ll share what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage.
Questions for you:
Do you struggle with accepting others’ invitations? Again, remember that an invitation isn’t limited to a literal invitation. Do you qualify your “no”? Do you accept invitations and then immediately come up with alternatives? Or, perhaps you’ve recognized these patterns in conversation and have tried to put a stop to these bad habits. How has “Their Invitation is Your Permission” changed how you talk with your loved ones?
