![Helpful Husbands Are Hot]()
by Catherine | Apr 17, 2012 | Marriage
I am very blessed to have a husband who takes on more than his fair share around the house. I owe Philip’s wonderful parents a big “thank you” for raising him to treat our marriage as a partnership. Philip routinely offers to cook, bake, clean, offer me a break when he gets home from work, or do any other odd job around the house–all in addition to working very hard as a pediatric resident. When I’m pregnant (which, in recent history, has been a good amount), he takes on even more. What a guy, huh?
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| Changing Janie’s diaper our first night home from the hospital |
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| Helping Janie put on her princess boots, Christmas 2011 |
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| Cuddling Walt after his bottle |
Although Philip has always been a good sport about helping out, I’ve only recently figured out that he needs my encouragement with helping out, and that I need to take the time to encourage him. It’s taken me almost four years of marriage to figure out the best way to encourage him. In my experience, it takes 2 things:
- Verbally acknowledge and thank him for all of the things he does around the house that are helpful.
- Tell him what a hot hunk of a man he is when he helps out.
Both of these things sound intuitive, but for blockheads like me, it still takes practice.
1. Verbally acknowledge and thank him for all of the things he does around the house that are helpful.
Now that I’m at home with the kids full-time, my days are filled with all kinds of little things that I do on a routine basis. Philip has always been great at noticing and showing me that he notices.
“Hey, did you vacuum and dust? I can tell. It looks great!”
“Oh, thanks for refilling the soap in the bathroom.”
“Thanks for dinner. I think that recipe is a keeper.”
Simply saying all of these little things adds up to me feeling appreciated and acknowledged. Being a stay-at-home mom can be a thankless job (especially before the kids are even talking!), but Philip is so good at filling up my bucket simply by noticing and thanking me for the little stuff.
You’d think that I would intuitively reciprocate, but I’m embarrassed to say I’ve had to train myself to thank Philip for all of the little things he does. I’ve always noticed when Philip shows initiative and takes care of something around the house, but sometimes I’ll forget to tell him.
I might see that he’s refilled the diapers in the changing table, but before I thank him, I’m likely to get distracted by a crying toddler, a diaper pail that needs emptying, or a ringing phone. Instead of circling back to thanking Philip for refilling the diapers, I forget and move on with my day. He doesn’t help out around the house for the thanks, but when he’s done a few things and they aren’t acknowledged, he must feel that his efforts aren’t appreciated.
I am working on thanking Philip for the things I see as soon as I can or make a mental note to thank him later. He really appreciates the recognition and thanks for his efforts to help out, especially when he goes the extra mile.
2. Tell him what a hot hunk of a man he is when he helps out.
What guy doesn’t like being told by his wife that she thinks he’s a total hottie? Ladies, why
not tell your husband he’s a total hottie for helping out?
Guys, we’re not just telling you you’re hot to get you to help out. We really do think you’re irresistible when you help out–especially when you do something a certain way because we’ve asked you to (read: because we think it’s the right way to do it).
Philip started tri-folding his towel and wiping the lint off of the dryer top when he does laundry. That’s hot.
Philip intercepted me on my way to change Walt’s dirty diaper and said, “Let me do it.” Even hotter.
Philip did the dinner dishes, cleaned the sink, wiped down the counters, and took out the trash. Cowboy, take me away!
To really drive the point home, ladies, employ a little embarrassing PDA in front of the kids–especially if they’re at the age that they think you’re gross. Jane’s still young enough to think it’s funny, and Walt just laughs at whatever Jane laughs at.
After an especially helpful afternoon, I threw my arms around Philip’s neck and said in my most irresistible voice, “Have I ever told you how hot it is when you cook and change dirty diapers?” Naturally, Philip was pleasantly surprised. Jane and Walt laughed at us from the kitchen table, and Philip told them to avert their eyes while he gave me an embarrassingly long kiss. You’d think we were doing stand-up from the reaction the peanut gallery gave us.
In conclusion:
Your hubby wants you to keep thinking he’s hot + you think he’s hot when he helps out + you tell him that he’s hot when he helps out and thank him for his efforts = a happy, helpful husband
![Picking Up Mommy Friends (Part 2)]()
by Catherine | Apr 15, 2012 | Everything Else
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| Good friends let you do stuff like this and don’t run away in embarrassment |
Like I wrote in Part 1 of Picking Up Mommy Friends, I’d say picking up other mamas comes down to a few basic steps:
- Get out and go where the mamas and children are
- Observe the mamas and children in action
- Strike up a conversation with the awesome mamas
- Suggest meeting up again
1. Get out and go where the mamas and children are
This sounds easy enough, but for us new moms who are getting used to the ins and outs of running a home with little ones, it’s much easier to stay at home and keep up with the usual routine than to get out of the house. Getting out with little ones usually involves breaking your kiddos’ schedules and/or finding yourself in uncomfortable situations. After all, when little ones are involved, anything can happen! Combine that with inclement weather, and you’ve got a really exciting outing on your hands. Navigating a crowded parking lot covered in snow with little ones is a tricky thing indeed. No wonder so many of us moms wind up stuck at home, keeping the status quo, rather than trekking out to make some social connections.
I joke about it all the time, but I need these regular outings to maintain my English speaking skills! I find myself more and more tongue-tied the longer I stay at home. Finding other mamas to talk with during the day helps me to break out of my bubble.
The kids and I make regular visits to the neighborhood park, library, community center, museum, zoo, clothing stores, our parish church, and, of course, the grocery store/Walmart. These places are always full of other mamas and children.
2. Observe the mamas and children in action
Once you’re out and about town and find the mamas and children, observe them in action. No need to be a creeper. Consider it just a little healthy people watching. Seeing how the mamas and children respond to the inevitable uncomfortable situations when they arise will help you determine which mama you want to strike up a conversation with. These are your Potential Mama Friends (PMFs).
When PMF’s toddler whacks another kid upside the head with a shovel at the playground, does PMF scream at the toddler and say, “Francois, what the bleep is wrong with you?!” If so, she’s probably not PMF material.
On the other hand, if PMF’s toddler steals your kid’s shovel and PMF intervenes, encouraging them to share and take turns, she’s definite PMF material.
A mom friend is a special breed of friend. Not only does she need to be someone that you’d want to have a cup of coffee with, but she needs to have a compatible parenting style and similar values. If your parenting styles don’t mix, it’ll be obvious, and your future playdates will be an awkward tightrope walk of inner questions. “Oooooo, does she think I’m being too harsh with the kids? Maybe she thinks I’m way too permissive with them.” If that inner monologue is playing constantly during the playdate, perhaps you’re better suited to see this mama sans kiddos since your parenting styles don’t mix and it becomes a stressful visit for everyone.
Unfortunately, even if we are as desirable as ever (duh) as mama friends, our kids can turn the best of playdates into a scene from The Exorcist.
How did Jane learn how to do “the sleeper” move? Has she been watching WWF after Philip and I go to bed at night?
These moments of conflict are great learning moments for you and the kids. Your cool PMF might pull out a discipline trick you’ve never thought of before, or you might offer some quick conflict resolution over the coveted princess tiara in the dress-up bin. Seeing how PMFs navigate these potentially uncomfortable situations can be the perfect catalyst to a mommy-mance.
3. Strike up a conversation with the awesome mamas
You see a mom across the community center gym with four kids and she’s giving out equal amounts of hugs and tough love. While holding her baby and pushing her toddler in a scooter, her older child wipes out across the gym because he was riding his bike like Evel Knievel. She handles it like a pro. She doesn’t bat an eye, waits for his reaction from the tumble, and gives him just the reassurance he needs before he hops back on the bike. This is the mama you strike up a conversation with.
This kind of PMF can juggle a conversation during a playdate while keeping an eye on the kiddos. She doesn’t let the inevitable outbursts or tumbles ruin the day. She rolls with the punches and doesn’t think you’re a terrible mom when your kid does something “developmentally appropriate.” She’s been there. She’s had those days, too. In fact, she has some fantastic horror stories to share with you and cheer you up with when you’re having a bad day.
She doesn’t have to be perfect to be a PMF for you to strike up a conversation. In fact, she’s a better PMF candidate if she’s quick to admit the imperfections and, in spite of them, go about her day, being the best mama she can be.
While you and PMF visit, remember the stand-by rule that people are really good at talking about themselves and generally like it when people show interest in them. So, dazzle PMF with your interest in her and her children. Find out if she has any hobbies, what her husband’s like, what kinds of things they’re involved with in town. If your city is anything like ours, you’re sure to make at least one connection by talking about the things you’re both involved with. By discussing your “social resumé,” you’ll quickly identify if you have enough in common to continue this mommy-mance.
Of course, the world’s an interesting place because we’re not all the same, and it’s good to have friends with different interests and hobbies, but the best mommy-mances involve mamas with similar values and goals. I don’t just want mamas that I can call for a playdate or tips on nursing. I want mommy-mances with
mamas who I’d be friends with with or without the kids. These are the mamas who are interested in who I am beyond the mother of Janie and Walt. They know I have interests beyond changing diapers. Inevitably, mom stuff will come up in conversation because it’s what we do, but we won’t only “talk shop.”
Striking up a conversation and finding out about one another’s interests and families is a quick and easy way to find out if this PMF encounter will lead to a mommy-mance. If PMF has a bumper sticker that says “Keep Your Rosaries Off My Ovaries” or their child is on a leash, those might be clues we’re not meant to be Best Mama Friends Forever (BMFF). If we’re not meant to be BMFF, that’s okay. No harm, no foul. We might still meet up and get the kids together, but this isn’t a mama I’m likely to continue mama-mancing to see if we’ll take it to the next level–the mamas out for coffee or shopping date level.
If, however, PMF mentions things like volunteering for EPS, her husband is in Knights of Columbus, or we share an addiction to Pinterest, these might be clues that she’s meant to be my mommy-mate. It could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Mommy-mates are able to get the kids together for playdates, have a little soul sister time, and, if all goes well, maybe even the husbands will hit it off!
Be bold, be brave, and get ready for Step 4.
4. Suggest meeting up again
You had a great conversation, the kids got along well, and you seem to have a lot in common. It’s time to secure a second playdate. So as not to seem too pushy or over-excited to make a new mama friend, keep it a casual, public date.
“It was so nice meeting you! The kids seem to get along really well, and I’d love to see you again. We’re going to the children’s museum next week. Would you and your kids want to meet up?”
If you were never one to ask guys out on dates, this might be really uncomfortable for you. Be brave. Put yourself out there. There’s no shame in having a mom tell you some excuse if they’re not ready for a mommy-mance. You’re a fun mama and your kids are great. Who wouldn’t want to be your BMFF?
Pick a specific time and place and get back in touch with your dating days by giving PMF your digits and getting hers. That’s all there is to it.
Congratulations! You just picked up a mama and secured a second playdate!
![Picking Up Mommy Friends (Part 1)]()
by Catherine | Apr 13, 2012 | Everything Else
When I started staying at home full-time, I felt very isolated. I didn’t have many friends who were moms, and I had even fewer friends who were moms that stayed at home.
Philip’s busy at the hospital, and it’s not uncommon for him to be unable to call during the day. When we do connect, our visits are limited to a quick check-in, and I’m usually chasing after someone or in the middle of some housework.
During the week, I tend to get so focused on completing my daily do-it list and playing with the kiddos that some days it’ll be 5:30 p.m., Philip’s calling on his way home, and I realize I haven’t talked to anyone other than Janie or Walt all day. Shooting off a quick e-mail, responding to a Facebook message, or sending a text to check in with a friend has become my default rather than making a phone call during the day. Perhaps if I had a sweet headset I’d be more likely to call friends and family as I fold laundry, unload dishes, or do something else. I’d feel too guilty sitting on the couch in the middle of the day, chatting away. I don’t pick up the phone because either the person I’m going to call is at work or is another stay-at-home mom and I don’t want to interrupt precious naptime when she’s able to get things done or have quiet time.
E-mailing, Facebook, and texting can all be wonderful, but unless there’s a real relationship there that’s maintained by regular face-to-face interactions, it remains a superficial way to communicate. So, feeling isolated and in need of more mom friends, I decided to develop the art of picking up moms.
I am quickly learning that a good mom friend is invaluable. She’s right in the trenches with you, she shares her tricks, she offers a helping hand, she listens on the rotten days, she shares her horror stories, she offers her prayers, she reminds you that taking care of yourself is not selfish, she makes you feel like a good mom, she leaves you feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the laundry.
So, if you’re not blessed to have these women magically fall into your life or transition with you from singledom to marriage and into parenthood, you have to make it happen. They’re not going to ring on your doorbell with a plate of cookies and ask you for a playdate. You’ve gotta get out there, get in touch with your mommy pick up skills, and convince these mamas that you and your children are worth getting to know better.
So, how do you do it? I’d say it comes down to a few basic steps:
- Get out and go where the mamas and children are
- Observe the mamas and children in action
- Strike up a conversation with the awesome mamas
- Suggest meeting up again
I’ll write about my experience with picking up moms for playdates and how I’ve done those 4 steps in my next post. Stay tuned!
