Catherine

Gossip About Your Kids

by Catherine | May 1, 2012 | Family

Yes, I want you to gossip about your kids–and so does Dr. Harvey Karp, M.D. Dr. Karp wrote two fantastic books that I recommend to all of the other parents I know. When we were pregnant with Jane, we read The Happiest Baby on the Block, and as Jane neared her first birthday, we read The Happiest Toddler on the Block. Both books have given us invaluable tips on getting the kids to sleep, eat, get along with others, and everything in-between. I refer to the books on a regular basis when I’m struggling with one parenting problem or another.

Currently, I’m struggling with Janie being rough with Walt. Check out that big bump on his head!

Janie knows it’s wrong to push him over or bonk him on the head, but she just can’t seem to help herself. She even started pushing over her playmate last week when he came to play. My sinking suspicion is that she’s doing it to get attention. My mistake was putting Jane in a timeout every time she bonked Walt on the head or pushed over a playmate. This was negatively reinforcing the behavior because she got my attention in the form of a timeout and a quick conversation about why it was wrong afterward.

The other day, Philip suggested using gossip to end the behavior. Leave it to the pediatrician to be right-on about what needed to be done!

In The Happiest Toddler on the Block, Dr. Karp talks about green-, yellow-, and red-light behaviors and how to either encourage or discourage them. As parents, we can use gossip to encourage green-light behaviors (the good things we want our children to keep doing) and to discourage yellow-light behaviors (the things that are annoying) or red-light behaviors (things that are dangerous or break the rules). Gossip is one of the many tools in your parenting arsenal that you’ll pick up from Dr. Karp.

Here’s how Dr. Karp explains gossip:

Gossip means saying things out loud near your child, so he overhears. It works so well because all of us (kids and adults) are more likely to believe something if we overhear it than if it’s told directly to us. Gossip makes your praise five times more effective. (And it makes your words of criticism have five times more impact too.)

If Jane’s doing a green-light behavior like sharing a toy with Walt or eating all of her carrots, I gossip about it. I find a stuffed animal, pretend to pick up the phone to call Daddy, or tell Walt. “Hey, Ernie! Janie ate allllllllll of her carrots! She is such a great eater. It makes me soooooo happy when Janie eats all of her carrots.”

Gossiping to Ernie

When I gossip, I have to make sure not to make eye contact with Janie because, as Dr. Karp says, “gossiping only works when he thinks you don’t want to be overheard.” When I’m done gossiping, I simply return to whatever I was doing, and I give Janie some understated praise like, “Good job eating, Janie.”

When Janie does a yellow-light behavior like whine or a red-light behavior like push over Walt, I use gossip to be a form of what Dr. Karp calls “reverse praise.” When Janie pushes Walt over, I gossip about it to a stuffed animal or directly to Walt. Instead of asking Janie to immediately apologize or put her in a timeout, I cut off all attention. Attention is what she wants, after all!

I gossip about the behavior to Walt and say, “Oh, Walt! Ouchie! That makes you really sad when Janie pushes you over. That’s mean! You don’t like it! It makes Mommy and Walt happy when Janie is gentle.” Or I’ll grab stuffed Ernie and tell him about Jane’s bullying.

Janie perks up when she hears me talking about her doing anything–good or bad. When she knows she’ll get positive attention for doing a good thing, she’ll want to do it even more. So, when Janie hears me gossiping to Walt or Winnie the Pooh that we don’t like it when she pushes, she stops the behavior.

We’re still far from a perfect track record with bullying Walt, but the good news is that the pushing episodes have drastically reduced. As a mom, I’m learning that I need to keep spotlighting my kids’ good behaviors through gossip and time-ins with them–a tickle fest on the couch, a few stories, or getting out the Play-Doh. The more I “fill up their tanks” with my love and attention, the less they act out.

The less I “fill up their tanks” and only give them attention for the negative stuff (the yellow and red-light behaviors), the more they do them! If you were doing a bunch of great things and only got acknowledged when y
ou were being rotten, you’d probably keep being rotten, too!

It sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s tough when put into practice. When it’s 5:00 and you’re making dinner, and Janie’s whining for dinner now and Walt’s crying because Jane just pushed him over, the last thing you feel like doing as a mom is a 5-minute time-in. You want to put on Barney and plop them in the family room!

Slowly but surely, I’m learning that the 5-minute time-in, gossip, and the other tools I picked up from Dr. Karp are helping to keep the kiddos happy and on the right track behavior-wise. One of the many reasons that children are a blessing is that they keep instilling within their parents the virtues they need to master. Among other things, Janie and Walt are helping me with humility and patience!

Photo Flashback Friday

by Catherine | Apr 27, 2012 | Family

April 2010

Janie was two months old, and we were adjusting to life as a family of three.

In her favorite spot, the lamb swing

Two-month picture

We found these sunglasses when we were out shopping and had to try ’em on her!

Jane and Larry. They were buddies before Janie started walking.

Our big-eyed girl

Going for a stroll around the neighborhood

Stay-At-Home Mom Guilt

by Catherine | Apr 27, 2012 | Family

When I stop taking my job as a mom so seriously and stop wondering about whether or not I’m doing the right thing, I let everything else wait while I play with the kids. Now that my house cleaning routine is a habit, I’m a better, smarter housekeeper. Even last week, when the kids were in the throes of Hand-Foot-Mouth Disease and I had whatever awful bug hit me, there was a semblance of order around here that we maintained out of habit. The house has never looked better, and I am spending more time than ever just loving on the babies. Naturally, we’re all thrilled with this change of pace.

Perhaps the biggest perk is that I’m breaking free of what I call “Stay-At-Home Mom Guilt.” Certainly, guilt is a good, healthy thing when it signals we’ve done something wrong that needs to be rectified. Other times, though, we bow down to external pressures to be a certain way or feel badly when we don’t meet our self-imposed guidelines.

Before I got our house in order, I would experience an emotional pendulum swing every time I carved out time to play with the kids. I swung from pleasure to guilt. Pleasure to guilt. Pleasure to guilt.

Pleasure. I’d be tickling the kids on the ground between stories and think, “Oh! This is awesome! I love being a mom. Look at them! They’re so happy. Oh, I can’t get enough of those giggles.”

Then the emotional pendulum swung the other direction. Guilt. “You’ve been playing with the kids for half an hour. You’ve read every book in the bin twice. Better get back to work.”

I’d either feel like I was being too extravagant in the attention I was giving the children or feel like I was neglecting them when I gave them less than 100% of my attention. It was rotten because I’d feel awful when the house looked awesome because I knew I hadn’t spent much time with the kids, and I felt awful about the state of the house when I spent a bunch of time with the kids. Stay-At-Home Mom Guilt.

I don’t know if I’ll ever go to bed and say to myself, “I feel like I struck the perfect balance today.” For now, this is my litmus test of a good day:

Did you get to spend focused, quality time with the kids today? (Even if it was just for five minutes at a time throughout the day.)

Yes – Good job, Mama!
No – Don’t be too hard on yourself, but make it a point to spend focused, quality time with them tomorrow. They’re the reason you’re home in the first place.

Would you panic at the state of the house if the doorbell rang?

Yes

Are you panicking because you were lazy with the housework today or because you were busy doing mom stuff?

I was lazy. – We all need a day off from time to time. Pick it up tomorrow.
I was busy doing mom stuff. – Good, that’s what you’re home for anyway!

No

You’re a rockstar! Way to keep up with the house!

One of Jane’s favorite activities is getting into her dress-up bin and trying on every single costume inside at least once. She’ll go from Tinker Bell to a horse to Elmo to a dragon to a dinosaur to a bumble bee to a ladybug to Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz to Dora to “Supergirl” in a cape in a matter of minutes.

Getting a fidgety two-year-old in and out of those costumes every other minute wears on your patience–especially when that two-year-old is in the middle of putting on the dragon costume when she decides she wants to be a bumble bee instead.

Stay-At-Home Mom Guilt would tell me that I’m not supposed to be spending a half hour in the middle of the day, helping the kids in and out of costumes while we have a dance party to a Taylor Swift concert on Netflix in the middle of the day.

Then you see your daughter dressed up as a horse with a big, goofy smile.

And your son is at her feet in an Elmo costume.

And they’re both perfectly healthy.

And they call you “Mama.”

Janie and Walt won’t remember if a few dishes pile up in the sink or if I let Monty’s nose prints go uncleaned from the sliding glass door. Until they’re old enough to have their own memories, I’m taking an obscene amount of pictures to document their lives. Hopefully they’ll look at them and see that their mom tried her hardest to love them extravagantly as best she could as we went about our days. No self-imposed Stay-At-Home Mom Guilt is going to stop me from doing that!

Building-In Happiness

by Catherine | Apr 25, 2012 | Everything Else, The Homefront

Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, also writes a column for Good Housekeeping. Thanks to the gift of a magazine subscription from my thoughtful mother-in-law, I look forward to reading Gretchen’s practical tips in each month’s issue. And, yes, Gretchen and I are on a first name basis.

In the May 2012 issue, Gretchen wrote a column called “Built-In Happiness: How to get it and keep it.” According to her, there are three keys to happiness:

1. Self-knowledge
2. Anticipation
3. Love

1. Self-knowledge
Basically, you need to know what your values, interests, likes/dislikes are. Know yourself, and accept who you are when you want to build-in happiness. Gretchen says, “I’ve found that the more faithfully I’m able to ‘be Gretchen’ in my daily life, the happier I become.”

I laughed out loud when she goes on in the article to say this: “Your fun may not look like other people’s fun. I myself love to help other people clean out their closets. Skiing, no way–but cleaning out a friend’s closets? That I anticipate with relish.” This woman is my kindred spirit! I recently spent an evening sipping wine and cleaning out a gal pal’s closet, and I loved every second of it!

I am learning to accept that my idea of fun is soooooooooooooooooooo lame to other people. Instead of trying to cool-ify my interests like I would have in the past, I’m learning that it makes me happier to keep doing what I love. Now, this isn’t my attempt to say, “Yay, hedonism! If it feels good, do it! If it doesn’t, avoid it!” Certainly there are some things that might be difficult for us to do that we ought to be doing. For example, just because it might be difficult for me to get up out of bed before the kids so that I can have quiet prayer time, it doesn’t mean I should stay in bed. (Speaking of which, it’s April, and I still haven’t accomplished this New Year’s Resolution! Dear reader, I’m counting on you to hold me accountable to accomplishing that. Yes, you.)

Beyond doing the stuff we ought to be doing that we’re not, what I’m getting at is that most of us are over-scheduled and tend to get overwhelmed, “working for the weekend.” Instead of using that coveted free time doing something that you really don’t enjoy, do some humbling introspection, figure out what your interests really are, and find out if the people you love want to do them with you. If no one you know shares your interest, maybe it’s time to branch out and make some new friends who share your interest in biking or scrapbooking.

2. Anticipation
This is my favorite part of the article, and this is the part I need to work on the most: building in the things that make me happy by literally making appointments for them. Otherwise, it’s too easy for me to talk myself out of doing the thing that makes me happy because the guilt of all of the other things I think need to get done take over.

“We should all be able to flip through our calendars and see at least a few pleasant things scheduled for future weeks. If your life is a parade of obligations, dreaded tasks, unpleasant encounters, and mandatory appearances, take a minute to figure out something that you’d find fun, and make time for it. Wish you had more time to talk in the park with your dog? To work on a craft project? To have coffee with your sister? Schedule it into your calendar like you would a dentist appointment. Even before it happens, you’ll get a happiness boost every time you anticipate it. (Also, if you put it on your calendar, you’ll be far more likely to actually do it.)”

I need to start looking at my calendar and day-to-day routine to figure out how I can build in these interests and hobbies and build up my relationships.

Philip and I talk all the time about how we need to go to bed earlier, and we both enjoy reading. Philip and I need to schedule bedtime to happen at a reasonable, fixed time so that we know the next episode of “Downton Abbey” will be waiting for us tomorrow and that it’s time to have some quiet reading time together in bed.

Instead of ending a playdate with “see you guys soon,” why not end it with, “Would you guys like to come over next Thursday at 10 and stay for lunch?”

Instead of leaving the scrapbook left for whenever I’ll get around to it next, why not write “Scrapbooking 8:30 p.m.” on the calendar for Tuesday night after the kids have gone to bed, and let Philip know that I’d like to spend that time working at my craft station while he does some hobby of his own?

3. Love
We need others to be happy, but we need to be independent enough to love ourselves first.

“Strong relationships with other people are critical to a happy life. We need close, long-lasting relationships; we need to belong; we need to give and receive support–perhaps surprisingly, giving support is just as important to happiness as getting support. Not only does having strong relationships make it far more likely that you’ll take joy in life, but studies show that it also lengthens life (incredibly, even more than stopping smoking), boosts immunity, and cuts the risk of depression.”

Now that I’m staying at home, I am learning that I need to get out of the house and be with other people I love to get through the winter or usually isolating times (like having a newborn baby). Literally being cooped up all to ourselves without interaction with the outside world would drive me crazy in the winter months. The days that were hardest to get out of the house because someone missed a nap or I was frustrated with something were the days that we needed to get out the most.

“To connect more deeply with people, I need to build my independent happiness…By being emotionally self-sufficient, I free myself (well, admittedly, only somewhat) from depending on other people to boost me up or letting them drag me down. When I have my own built-in happiness, I don’t act like a happiness vampire who sucks happy energy from other people or craves a lifeblood of praise, affirmation, or reassurance to support my happiness.”

I don’t know about you, but when I read that, I had a lightbulb moment. We all know people who can be the “happiness vampires” in our lives, sucking out our happiness and zest for life with their doomy gloomy negat
ivity or self-centeredness. Or, maybe we’re those “happiness vampires” for others. Some of us are blessed to have more people in our lives who boost us up than the “happiness vampires.” The danger of these feelings and being too attached to this world (and its people) is what Gretchen is writing about–allowing ourselves to be on a daily emotional rollercoaster ride whose ups and downs are determined by the people around us and their emotions.

Being independently happy isn’t necessarily selfish (unless, of course, it becomes your sole focus in life!). What I think Gretchen is getting at is that we will be happier, and consequently, the people around us will be happier, if we don’t mirror back the negativeness of the “happiness vampires,” and we’re happy enough independently of others to not live from one moment of praise or reassurance to the next.

Empathy is a beautiful thing, and we all need other people with which to share in life’s ups and downs and to make us feel understood. The danger, though, is depending on others too deeply and allowing them to knock us down or be the only way we feel built up.

So, build-in some happiness in your life! Follow Gretchen’s 3 steps:

Know yourself and figure out what you love.
Actually schedule what you love in your life.
Foster strong, long-lasting relationships with people who love you, and love yourself (not because you’re selfish, but because you’re a beautiful child of God).

How have you built-in happiness in your life? Do you already do some of these things?

They Make My Heart Too Big For My Body

by Catherine | Apr 21, 2012 | Family

Janie developed a high fever last Thursday. A day later, she had bright, red spots all over her body. Hubby Dr. Phil quickly diagnosed Hand-Foot-Mouth Disease. He said there was nothing to do but keep her hydrated and stop her from itching the rash to prevent infection.

Despite washing our hands and sanitizing like crazy, Walt ended up with Hand-Foot-Mouth Disease a few days later. I got hit hard with something Tuesday that gave me a high fever, a sore throat, nausea, and a splitting headache.

Unfortunately, Philip started working nights on Sunday, and his last night shift is tonight (Friday). Taking care of two sick babies and being sick myself made for a long week. Philip did as much as he could to help out by offering me some rest when he came home and taking care of the kids for a few hours here and there.

Despite Philip’s tremendous help when he was here (thank you, honey!), the nights dragged on and on. The kids weren’t their usual happy-go-lucky selves. Janie itched like crazy and was extremely fussy. Walt was only happy when I was holding him, and he wouldn’t eat or drink anything. Tuesday night, my fever reached 103.5. I looked at the clock an hour before Janie was supposed to go down for the night and started to cry. I didn’t know how I was physically going to make it to bedtime.

In that terrible, rotten moment, I was feeling so sick and sorry for myself. It occurred to me to start praying a prayer that my sweet high school Algebra/Geometry teacher, Mrs. Classe, always used to start class. It’s short, simple, and perfect for a sick mom with two sick kids. “Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place my trust in You.” I started repeating it. Over. And over. And over again.

Since Tuesday night, I’ve been saying that little prayer to myself when I feel like I’m getting to my breaking point. The more I say the prayer, the less I feel sorry for myself. Sure, I still posted a pity-party status on Facebook to let the world know what a dreadful week I was having. I suppose I’m not used to not having a husband around at night to commiserate with. I have a lot of work to do on the whole redemptive suffering thing. I’m not good at suffering silently. Mrs. Classe’s prayer is helping me. I’m learning to be mindful of what I’m doing, and Who I’m doing it for. I might be a wife and mother, but that husband and those babies aren’t mine. They’re His.

“Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place my trust in You.” As I say the prayer more and more, the pity parties are less appealing. My problems might be small potatoes compared to the kind of suffering I hear about on the nightly news, but in the moment, whatever I’m experiencing seems magnified and earth-shattering. I’m learning (veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery slooooooooooooooowly) that I have a choice when those moments happen. I can either (1) let the sadness, anger, or pain consume me, or (2) I can use those moments to enter into Christ’s Passion and “offer up” my problems for the salvation of souls.

My wise sister told me she would be praying that Mother Mary be with me this week. What a beautiful prayer! If anyone knows how to enter into Christ’s Passion, it’s Mary. Now that I’m a mother, I find myself seeking our Blessed Mother’s counsel more than ever.

So, this week, as I cared for my sick babies and tried to take care of myself, I asked for Mother Mary’s perfect patience and tenderness. That, combined with the Sacred Heart of Jesus prayer and the prayers of my family and friends, got me through this week.

The more I prayed, the more Janie and Walt would leave me laughing and writing down all of the adorable things they were doing. Those “kairos” moments gave us a little reprieve from feeling rotten.

“We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

The last few days, I’ve been archiving all of the sweet and funny things Janie and Walt have done to give us intermissions. This could have been a miserable week, and I’d be lying if I said I’ll look back on all of it with a smile, but I’d do it all over again for those “my heart is too big for my body” moments.

Here are my notes and a few pictures from the week:

Monday night conversation

Me: Janie, do you like your dinner?

Janie: Yes, Mama. Ih-so yummy! Janie like it. Janie so proudda you!

While folding her hands for bedtime prayer Wednesday, Janie opened them up a bit and announced, “Look, Mama! It’s a triangle! Father, Son, Holy Spirit!” Who is this kid?!

Janie is practicing potty training. We haven’t bought her a lid cover yet, and she insisted on holding herself up on her own Thursday night. She slipped and ended up in the tank, with her knees up to her eyes. She said, “Mama! Oh, no! Janie gotta go swimming!”

Perhaps I’ve been a little over-the-top in my encouragement of her potty training because she told me when I announced I was going to use the bathroom, “Mama, I so proud of you! Want Janie read you story? Be right back!”

Desperate to keep Janie entertained these long nights, I found a Taylor Swift concert on Netflix. Jane is enamored. “Woah! Taylor Swip
t a rock an’ roll star! Taylor Swipt have a guitar! Again! Again!”

When Jane asked for Mac ‘N Cheese for dinner Thursday night, I caved in the hopes that Janie and Walt would actually eat. When Janie saw the box, she started hugging it and saying, “Aw, I LOVE you, Mac ‘N Cheese! Yay!”

Janie decided she was “Supergirl” Thursday night and asked me to stuff her baby blanky into the collar of her jammies to make a cape. She puts her hands on her hips and says, “Janie Su-per-girl!)”

Janie and I went into the nursery to get Walt this morning. Walt reached out for Jane’s hand from the changing table. She smiled and said, “Aw, Walt wanna hold hands. Hi, Walt!”

Jane gave me a grammar lesson this morning at breakfast.

Me: Janie, could you eat your waffle?

Jane: Yeah, I could.

While getting Janie dressed this morning, she looked down at the pattern printed on her shirt, smiled, and said, “Oh, Mama! Thank you so much! It’s beautiful!”