![How It All Started]()
by Catherine | Aug 12, 2012 | Marriage
I’m sure our kids will want to hear about it down the road, so I figured I ought to write as many details as I can remember while I still remember them!
In March of 2005, my sophomore year of college, I headed downstairs for Monday night dinner at my sorority house. I happened to sit at a table with my pledge “baby” and a few of the other women in the freshmen pledge class. As freshmen, they lived in the dorms on campus, while the older members of the sorority lived in the house or off campus.
We talked about our upcoming summer plans, and I mentioned that I was going to be a cabin counselor at a YMCA summer camp. Immediately, the girls who lived in the honors dorms made a connection.
“Isn’t Phil working at that camp this summer?”
“Yes! You have to meet Phil!”
“Oh! Wouldn’t they be so cute together?!”
“Oh my gosh, yes! You two have to meet!”
They told me about this Phil, a sophomore in the honors dorms, who was also going to be a cabin counselor at the same summer camp. They told me what he looked like, where he was from, where he went to high school, what they knew about his family, that he was Catholic, etc. etc. By the end of dinner, there was a lot of giggling, and they were planning our wedding. They left the sorority that night, promising to mention me to him and to insist that we meet.
As I was studying that night, I took a break to check Facebook, a relatively new social networking site. I had a friend request and message from mystery man Phil from the honors dorms. (To make this move seem less lame, I must say in his defense that I didn’t have a cell phone at the time, and I only had a phone in my sorority room with an answering machine. No one except my family called that phone because it was so hard to get a hold of me, and I don’t think the girls even knew that number to give him.)
Phil said that the girls at dinner told him we were working at the same camp that summer and that we should meet. We exchanged a few messages throughout the week, mostly making fun of ourselves for “meeting” online when we could walk a few blocks over and introduce ourselves. After finding out that we both love Scrabble, Phil suggested we meet that Saturday morning. He’d walk over from the dorms to my sorority house to pick me up, and we’d get to know each other over a game of Scrabble, bagels, and coffee.
It was Holy Week, and neither of us admitted it until after the fact, but we caught glimpses of each other across the Newman Center at the Holy Thursday Mass. My pledge “twin” pointed Phil out to me several pews ahead, by himself, singing the processional hymn. Several months later, when I admitted I saw him before we met, he told me that he saw me with my pledge “twin” on my way back from Communion. I love that we saw each other for the first time at Mass and that neither of us was aware that the other one was watching us. Our first glimpses of each other were of the other one in prayer. Having seen him doing something as intimate as praying took a lot of the pressure off of our first date.
Saturday rolled around, and my roommate and pledge mom helped me get ready. (Oh, how nice it was to live with women who would dress me and do my hair and make-up!) I refused to call it a date, but the entire sorority house seemed to know about it! The doorbell rang, and by the time I made it downstairs to meet Phil in the entry, several of my sorority sisters were gathered along the banister and in the tv room off the balcony, talking about the guy who was there to pick up Catherine. Luckily for me (and Philip), we were meeting on Holy Saturday morning, so most of the girls were gone for Easter weekend, and we were spared the large audience that an evening date would have had! A few of the girls whispered to me as I made my way downstairs.
“Good luck!”
“Have fun!”
“Aw, he’s so cute!”
“I can’t wait to hear all about it!”
Philip was pretending to be busy looking at whatever was sitting on the foyer table when I came down the banister. I know he was nervous because the first thing he said to me after he saw me and said “hi” was, “Do you have the dictionary?” (He had told me in one of his Facebook messages that he had a travel Scrabble game, and he asked me to bring a small dictionary.) I was so caught off guard! “Um, no, I forgot it. I’ll be right back!” You can imagine the faces when I ran back upstairs to my room and ran back downstairs with a dictionary in my hand.
Extremely out of breath, I made it back downstairs. At this point, I was convinced that Phil was a clone of the Colin Firth character in Bridget Jones’ Diary, Mark Darcy.
He was all business, and he didn’t show any facial expression except for a perfunctory smile. Now, I know that he was just nervous being in the foyer of a sorority house with all eyes upon him. Poor guy!
Once we made our way out the front door, we never stopped talking. Our conversation paused only to order our bagels and coffee before sitting down to our game of Scrabble. Phil insisted on paying and opened every door. He wasn’t trying to be smooth, but he did it deliberately enough to show me that that was how he thought things should be done.
In between playing our Scrabble tiles, we had the most wonderful conversation. We talked about our interests, hobbies, families, faith, quirks, future plans, mutual friends, made fun of the other person’s Scrabble playing abilities, and whatever else popped up. Every now and then, one of us would have to sit silently as we plotted our next move on the Scrabble board, but the silence wasn’t at all awkward. I asked him if he went by Phil or if anyone called him Philip. He said that most people call him Phil, but that his mom, a few relatives, and our mutual friend, Kristin, call him Philip. I asked if I could call him Philip, and he’s been Philip ever since.
It’s a good thing that things were going well, because Philip’s dad popped in to get some coffee on his way to his office and happened to walk right by us. So, I guess you could say that Philip introduced me to his Dad twenty minutes into our first date! I’ve never asked him, but now that I know him as my father-in-law, I wonder if he was in a hurry that morning or if Philip gave him a look that said not to be chatty.
The date started at 10:00 a.m. when Philip picked me up at the sorority house, and we didn’t get back until mid-afternoon. It was the longest Scrabble game in recorded history! (For the record, I won.) Philip walked me back, and a few of our mutual friends in the sorority visited with us in the foyer. After awhile, they left us to have the clincher first date goodbye moment. Philip said that he had a lot of fun and I said that I did, too. He asked if he could have my phone number. I gave him my room number (remember, I didn’t have a cell phone at the time), and he said he would call me to get together again soon. I said I would like that a lot, and he gave me a big hug before leaving.
Once the door shut behind him, I noticed that my cheeks hurt from smiling so much that whole day. I immediately ran up the stairs to my pledge sister Kristin’s room. (Remember, she’s the mutual friend who calls him Philip.) She was in a God Teens group with Philip in high school and wanted the report on our date. I remember laying on her bed, gushing about every detail. I told her, “I’m going to marry that guy!”
I left town the next day to spend Easter with family, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Philip. When I got back to the sorority house on Sunday night, someone told me that there was something in my mailbox. When I looked, there was a plastic grocery bag and a card. Philip had made an Easter card for me with the help of his younger sister, Maddy (who, if I’m doing my math right, would have been 4). I still have it. The plastic grocery bag was full of Easter candy. It was probably just some extra candy that Philip swiped from his house, but I really appreciated the sentiment. My parents were living across the country at the time, and Philip knew I wouldn’t be seeing them that year. Silly as it may be, the chocolate eggs and pastel M&M’s made me feel less homesick. That small surprise was the first of many to show me that “Phil” from the honors dorms was the right guy for me.
![Bedtime Sweet Talk]()
by Catherine | Aug 8, 2012 | Family
 |
| Janie, asleep on the couch 10 minutes after waking up because she woke up too early |
Janie is officially 2 and 1/2 this month. Like most “middle toddlers” (24-36 months), she struggles with unexpected changes and thrives on routine. She likes things just so and will question or even correct us (especially little Walt!) when we don’t “do it right.” Although she’s still very flexible with meeting new people, trying new foods, and going new places, she wants the rituals of her day-to-day life to remain the same. For example, Janie has to hold one tooth brush while I brush her teeth with another. Then, she brushes her teeth on her own when I’m done brushing for her. If I dare change that sequence, things get emotional.
In those moments when she gets frustrated with unexpected change or thinks that things aren’t done right, she gets reduced to tears. Remembering the lessons I learned from Dr. Karp’s The Happiest Toddler on the Block, I start speaking “Toddler-ese.”
Most parents already speak “Toddler-ese” when their toddler does something that makes them happy or proud. We use short phrases, use repetition, and mirror their emotions to show them that we are connecting with them. For example, when Janie went down the slide all by herself for the first time, like most parents, I said, “Weeeeeeeee! Wow! Janie is sooooooo big! Janie went down the slide all by herself! Mommy is so proud of you! Good job!” It seems so natural to do that when she does something that makes me happy and proud, but it took practice for me to use the same short phrases, repetition, and mirrored emotions when she gets scared, mad, or sad. With a lot of practice (and a willingness to sound like a dingaling on the neighborhood playground), I’m learning to use “Toddler-ese” in those emotional moments. Several times an hour, I say, “Janie is saaaaaad! Janie is sooooooo sad! Janie, use your words. Tell Mommy why you are sad. Use your words. Mommy can help.”
It’s tough being a toddler! You’re smaller and weaker than everyone else, you’re not easily understood by others, and the world is a big, confusing place. Janie’s two-and-a-half-year-old brain shuts down when she gets upset, and she doesn’t respond to reason. When I use short phrases, lots of repetition, and mirror Janie’s emotions to hit her emotional sweet spot, she moves through her tantrums much faster. When she calms, she is able to try verbalizing what is upsetting her. “I want purple dress, not green dress! Pleeeeeeeeease?”
By day’s end, especially if it’s been a hard day for Janie, nothing soothes her sweet little soul more than our evening routine. Usually, we do baths, put on jammies, read a few stories, tell Janie to “pick a friend” (stuffed animal) to bring to bed with her, tuck her in, and say our prayers. Tonight, I added “bedtime sweet talk” in before prayers. I have a feeling it will become a regular part of our bedtime routine.
“Bedtime sweet talk” is yet another gem that Dr. Karp introduces in The Happiest Toddler on the Block to encourage good behavior in your toddler. It’s a chance to show your toddler that you appreciate all of the good things that she did during the day and preview the exciting things that could happen the next day. At the end of a long day, it’s an opportunity for the tired tot to “drift into sleep feeling smart, loved, and like a winner.”
Dr. Karp says to keep your voice “gentle and understated–more like a candle than a sparkler.” Basically, bedtime sweet talk is an opportunity to go through the day, retelling your toddler all of the good deeds she did and describing how happy the events made you. Then, to help your toddler look forward to tomorrow, mention a few of the things that may happen–something as simple as getting to help Mommy water the flowers or seeing a buddy on a playdate.
The last several weeks have been especially difficult for Janie, so it was nice to have a sweet ending to our day. Once Janie was all tucked in with Puppy (her stuffed dog) and her favorite blankie, I got down on the ground next to her toddler bed. I stroked her hair while I used a soft voice to start my “bedtime sweet talk.” I went through our day, telling Janie how happy she made Mommy and Daddy. I got as specific as possible to show her that I noticed her good behavior. I talked about how well she ate the different foods at the different meals, the toys that she shared with Walt, the places we went, how nicely she played with her friends on a playdate, what a great job she did getting in and out of her carseat, the stories we read, etc., etc. After recapping the day, I told her why tomorrow is going to be a fun day, too. I talked about going grocery shopping and, if she is a good listener, getting a cookie from the bakery at the end. Then, we talked about taking Monty on a walk and going to the park with Daddy when he is home from work.
Janie could not conceal how much she loved our bedtime sweet talk! She relished hearing me retell the good things she did today and how happy they made us. As an added bonus, it was an opportunity for me to reflect on the day and remember all of the really good things that happened that I might have otherwise forgotten. Civilizing a toddler is a lot of work, and taking the time to remember all of the good things she did throughout the day is a motivator to do it all again tomorrow. Also, it showed Janie that I saw and heard the different good things she did that made “Mommy and Daddy so happy.”
Once I finished the “bedtime sweet talk,” we said our bedtime prayers like usual. Janie showed me how much our time meant by holding on extra long to my goodnight hug. “I love you, Mama. Night, night!” I could still see the grin on her face as she rolled onto her side while I shut the door behind me.
!["I'm Sorry"]()
by Catherine | Jul 31, 2012 | Marriage
As I’ve said before, I’m a Catholic Answers Live radio show podcast junkie. I can’t get enough of that show! If you’ve never listened before, consider tuning in. Even though I was born and raised Catholic and went to 12 years of Catholic school, I still learn something new every time I listen. You need Catholic Answers Live in your life!
The podcast I listened to the other day was called “Marriage: Small Steps, Big Rewards” with guest Dr. Ray Guarendi. The show riffed off of Dr. Ray’s latest book Marriage: Small Steps, Big Rewards. I haven’t read it, but I’m adding it to my “To Read” list after listening to the show! Amazon sums up the book like this:
This book offers straightforward advice from Dr. Ray that requires no grand alterations in lifestyle, no fancy communication strategies, and no psychobabble. Each chapters offers: one simple step to a better marriage; resistance rationales — common excuses for disregarding that step; scenarios for each step illustrating the real-life dynamics of a marriage interspersed with commentary from a therapist’s viewpoint; and a final word about the step under consideration. Offers simple strategies to get you to your goal: a happier, more rewarding marriage.
Caller Tells Dr. Ray His Wife Won’t Accept His Apologies
Dr. Ray took a call from a guest who was fed up with his wife not accepting his apologies. The caller said, “When apologies get turned around, it’s like, ‘Don’t tell me you’re sorry. Show me you’re going to act differently.’ Apologies start to be rejected and not even accepted. How do you get through that one, because that’s a barrier that I’m working to try and work through.”
Having attended a talk by Dr. Ray and having listened to his radio show, I knew he’d give an honest (and perhaps biting) answer, but his blunt delivery always catches me off guard. Without hesitating, he offered keen insight into what’s really bothering the husband about the scenario and what’s keeping his wife from accepting his apologies or saying she’s sorry.
2 Suggestions from Dr. Ray:
1. “One will probably blow up in your face, but it’s probably the more accurate comeback, which is, ‘Honey, I hope the priest doesn’t tell you that every time you go to confession.’ Okay? That one could get you stabbed. I suggest you don’t do that unless she’s in a really, really, really good mood, and you’re somewhere, probably in the next state, calling her.”
When a comment like that takes your breath away, you know it’s true. We walk into the confessional and we expect the unquestioning forgiveness of God so long as we give a sincere apology. Yet, how often are we willing to extend this same model of forgiveness to others the moment they ask for it?
2. “Now, the second thing I would say is, two things. You look and you say, ‘You’re absolutely right. It is easier for me to say ‘I’m sorry’ than to change my behavior. However, I can commit to you that I am trying to change my behavior, and it’s an inch by inch process.’ You ever notice, there’s an old saying when I was in the Evangelical world that we want justice for everybody else and mercy for ourselves. You ever notice I’m not going to give you much tolerance when you say you’re sorry because I noticed you haven’t changed quick enough. I would say to her, I’d say something like, ‘I commit to you I’m going to change,’ and then the other thing you’ve got to do, most people shut down after they say ‘I’m sorry’ two or three times and it doesn’t work for whatever the reason, they stop doing it. No, I think you’ve got to keep doing it anyway, to more or less say ‘I’m sorry, I regret what I did, and I will try to do better,’ but I can’t flip a switch and all of a sudden become a saint.
“I always tell people, unless you’re living with Satan or Satan’s sister, when you apologize to somebody, it does soften them over time. Initially, they react with vehemence, vile, whatever, but you really gotta be hardcore to keep throwing ‘I’m sorry’ back at somebody.”
I had to keep rewinding this part of the podcast to hear these words again. Again, I knew I was listening to truth. It’s so tempting to stop asking for forgiveness when apologies keep getting thrown back in your face. It’s equally tempting to stop offering forgiveness when someone asks forgiveness for the same thing over, and over, and over, and over again. We seem to equate the words ‘I’m sorry’ with an immediate promise of change in behavior. We take for granted that it’s going to take the person seeking forgiveness several attempts (or even a lifetime) to overcome what they’re asking your forgiveness for.
When Catholic Answers host, Patrick Coffin, asked the caller if Dr. Ray’s two tips were helpful, the caller said that they were, but that it doesn’t make it any easier to have his apologies thrown back in his face or not accepted when they are offered sincerely. I love what Dr. Ray had to say next.
“Keeping ‘I’m Sorry’ Score”
“Don’t keep ‘I’m sorry’ score. If you say to yourself, ‘Man, in this marriage, I offer 96% of the apologies. Every once in awhile I’d like to hear one!’ The only thing I can say about that, and I’ll tell you this, and you keep this under your hat, and do not say this to your wife because I don’t know if it’s true. One of the prime reasons people don’t say ‘I’m sorry’ is insecurity. They are afraid of what it means. ‘I’m inept. I’m inadequate. I’m a sinner. I’m nasty.’ They can’t. More secure people can say ‘I’m sorry’ more easily than insecure people. That’s just a rule of life.”
Of course! It takes a secure person in a secure marriage to be able to: (1) admit that they did something wrong, and (2) to ask for the other person’s forgiveness. If they don’t feel that the relationship is secure enough for their spouse to either (1) hear their fault or (2) be willing enough to extend forgiveness, they aren’t even going to ask for it.
Making Small Steps (With Big Rewards) in Our Marriage
Before the days of babies and Philip’s residency, we took ti
me for granted. When conflict arose, we had the “luxury” (if you can call it that) of holding grudges for an entire evening, not speaking to each other during dinner, or going to sleep still upset with each other. When our sweet babies and Philip’s demanding schedule as a resident entered the picture, our time together became so limited that we had to learn how to move through conflict much faster. It’s tough to give the silent treatment when you’re feeding two little ones or are getting them ready for bed.
An hour into an argument last fall, Philip and I were both tired of fighting. Bedtime was approaching, we were both exhausted, and we just wanted to spend time together. After a long week of Philip’s grueling schedule and in the midst of adjusting to two children under two, I remember saying, “I know we’re still upset with each other, and nothing you or I say will change that. So, can we just summarize how the other person is feeling, have them correct us if we’re wrong, and ask how we can fix it for the future?”
It was one of those lightbulb moments for us. Ah, yes! Rather than duke it out for hours on end, why don’t we just figure out what the underlying feelings are that keep fueling the fire? So, that means a little introspection and empathy for both of us. We have to try to figure out what’s really upsetting us and be willing to accept the other person’s feelings. Period.
Dr. Ray spoke to this later in the program. When a caller said they didn’t always feel the need to apologize, Dr. Ray told them, “Remember that you are apologizing for your proportion of the problem–even if it’s just 1%. Don’t wait for the other person to apologize first. Identify your role in the problem, and initiate asking for forgiveness.”
Unsurprisingly, when I asked Philip what he thinks helps us to move faster through conflict, he agrees with Dr. Ray that taking accountability is key. Philip says, “It’s helpful if both people are willing to say they’re sorry because usually both people contributed to the problem. Even if you don’t feel like you’re wrong, saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean that you’re wrong, but that the way you approached making your point might have been the issue rather than what you were saying. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t mean ‘I was wrong.'”
He had this to add: “Show the other person that you understand where they are coming from and show them that you understand their reaction. Keeping the focus on their feelings and not just on the problem helps you both to move on.
When you get to a standstill, focus on understanding where the other person is coming from rather than trying to make them understand your point of view. That helps us to move on faster and spend more time together.”
I wish I could say that Philip and I have become conflict resolution experts, but we’re getting better and better. Like developing any habit, it takes a lot of practice to fight fairly with your spouse. Since discovering our new strategy, most times we are able to work through conflict and be hugging within a few minutes. Knowing that your spouse loves you enough to validate your feelings and say they are sorry, even if you are responsible for 99.9% of the problem, removes any temptation from holding a grudge or withholding forgiveness.
“The Happiest Toddler” to “The Happiest Couple”
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’m a big fan of Dr. Harvey Karp and his book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block. To help a toddler to move through a tantrum, Dr. Karp introduces what he calls the “Fast Food Rule” (FFR). The gist is this: Fast food restaurants are successful because the person who is hungriest talks first. Only after the order is placed, the cashier repeats back the order to make sure they heard it correctly.
Dr. Karp adopts this business model to how we can move through tantrums with toddlers:
- The person who is most upset talks first. The other person listens and repeats back what they’re told. Only then do they take their turn to talk.
- When it’s their turn:
- be physical (give a hug, put a hand on their shoulder, sit quietly together)
- whisper
- give options
- explain your point of view–briefly
- teach how to express feelings
- talk about how emotions feel, physically
- grant your child a wish…in fantasy
- give a “You-I” message
- Find the person’s “sweet spot” by remembering what you say to the upset person isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Mirror back about one-third of their emotional intensity in your tone, facial expression, and gestures. You return to a more normal way of talking as they calm.
- Use the FFR instead of words that hurt, compare, distract, and rush to squelch feelings.
Philip and I learned very quickly that we could apply the FFR to our marriage to help us move through conflict faster. When the more upset person has a chance to talk first, the listener sums up what they said, the listener offers a hug, and the listener remembers to find the “sweet spot” by using the right tone, we move through conflict much faster. When we keep in mind that the goal is helping the more upset person to feel understood rather than making a point or “winning,” there’s no need to hold on to grudges.
When we know that the other person loves us enough to fight fairly, it’s easier to say “I’m sorry” and move on so that we can spend the limited time we have together enjoying one another’s company. It’s much more fun to apologize, hug, and move on together than fighting the night away!
![“I’m Sorry”]()
by Catherine | Jul 31, 2012 | Marriage
As I’ve said before, I’m a Catholic Answers Live radio show podcast junkie. I can’t get enough of that show! If you’ve never listened before, consider tuning in. Even though I was born and raised Catholic and went to 12 years of Catholic school, I still learn something new every time I listen. You need Catholic Answers Live in your life!
The podcast I listened to the other day was called “Marriage: Small Steps, Big Rewards” with guest Dr. Ray Guarendi. The show riffed off of Dr. Ray’s latest book Marriage: Small Steps, Big Rewards. I haven’t read it, but I’m adding it to my “To Read” list after listening to the show! Amazon sums up the book like this:
This book offers straightforward advice from Dr. Ray that requires no grand alterations in lifestyle, no fancy communication strategies, and no psychobabble. Each chapters offers: one simple step to a better marriage; resistance rationales — common excuses for disregarding that step; scenarios for each step illustrating the real-life dynamics of a marriage interspersed with commentary from a therapist’s viewpoint; and a final word about the step under consideration. Offers simple strategies to get you to your goal: a happier, more rewarding marriage.
Caller Tells Dr. Ray His Wife Won’t Accept His Apologies
Dr. Ray took a call from a guest who was fed up with his wife not accepting his apologies. The caller said, “When apologies get turned around, it’s like, ‘Don’t tell me you’re sorry. Show me you’re going to act differently.’ Apologies start to be rejected and not even accepted. How do you get through that one, because that’s a barrier that I’m working to try and work through.”
Having attended a talk by Dr. Ray and having listened to his radio show, I knew he’d give an honest (and perhaps biting) answer, but his blunt delivery always catches me off guard. Without hesitating, he offered keen insight into what’s really bothering the husband about the scenario and what’s keeping his wife from accepting his apologies or saying she’s sorry.
2 Suggestions from Dr. Ray:
1. “One will probably blow up in your face, but it’s probably the more accurate comeback, which is, ‘Honey, I hope the priest doesn’t tell you that every time you go to confession.’ Okay? That one could get you stabbed. I suggest you don’t do that unless she’s in a really, really, really good mood, and you’re somewhere, probably in the next state, calling her.”
When a comment like that takes your breath away, you know it’s true. We walk into the confessional and we expect the unquestioning forgiveness of God so long as we give a sincere apology. Yet, how often are we willing to extend this same model of forgiveness to others the moment they ask for it?
2. “Now, the second thing I would say is, two things. You look and you say, ‘You’re absolutely right. It is easier for me to say ‘I’m sorry’ than to change my behavior. However, I can commit to you that I am trying to change my behavior, and it’s an inch by inch process.’ You ever notice, there’s an old saying when I was in the Evangelical world that we want justice for everybody else and mercy for ourselves. You ever notice I’m not going to give you much tolerance when you say you’re sorry because I noticed you haven’t changed quick enough. I would say to her, I’d say something like, ‘I commit to you I’m going to change,’ and then the other thing you’ve got to do, most people shut down after they say ‘I’m sorry’ two or three times and it doesn’t work for whatever the reason, they stop doing it. No, I think you’ve got to keep doing it anyway, to more or less say ‘I’m sorry, I regret what I did, and I will try to do better,’ but I can’t flip a switch and all of a sudden become a saint.
“I always tell people, unless you’re living with Satan or Satan’s sister, when you apologize to somebody, it does soften them over time. Initially, they react with vehemence, vile, whatever, but you really gotta be hardcore to keep throwing ‘I’m sorry’ back at somebody.”
I had to keep rewinding this part of the podcast to hear these words again. Again, I knew I was listening to truth. It’s so tempting to stop asking for forgiveness when apologies keep getting thrown back in your face. It’s equally tempting to stop offering forgiveness when someone asks forgiveness for the same thing over, and over, and over, and over again. We seem to equate the words ‘I’m sorry’ with an immediate promise of change in behavior. We take for granted that it’s going to take the person seeking forgiveness several attempts (or even a lifetime) to overcome what they’re asking your forgiveness for.
When Catholic Answers host, Patrick Coffin, asked the caller if Dr. Ray’s two tips were helpful, the caller said that they were, but that it doesn’t make it any easier to have his apologies thrown back in his face or not accepted when they are offered sincerely. I love what Dr. Ray had to say next.
“Keeping ‘I’m Sorry’ Score”
“Don’t keep ‘I’m sorry’ score. If you say to yourself, ‘Man, in this marriage, I offer 96% of the apologies. Every once in awhile I’d like to hear one!’ The only thing I can say about that, and I’ll tell you this, and you keep this under your hat, and do not say this to your wife because I don’t know if it’s true. One of the prime reasons people don’t say ‘I’m sorry’ is insecurity. They are afraid of what it means. ‘I’m inept. I’m inadequate. I’m a sinner. I’m nasty.’ They can’t. More secure people can say ‘I’m sorry’ more easily than insecure people. That’s just a rule of life.”
Of course! It takes a secure person in a secure marriage to be able to: (1) admit that they did something wrong, and (2) to ask for the other person’s forgiveness. If they don’t feel that the relationship is secure enough for their spouse to either (1) hear their fault or (2) be willing enough to extend forgiveness, they aren’t even going to ask for it.
Making Small Steps (With Big Rewards) in Our Marriage
Before the days of babies and Philip’s residency, we took time for granted. When conflict arose, we had the “luxury” (if you can call it that) of holding grudges for an entire evening, not speaking to each other during dinner, or going to sleep still upset with each other. When our sweet babies and Philip’s demanding schedule as a resident entered the picture, our time together became so limited that we had to learn how to move through conflict much faster. It’s tough to give the silent treatment when you’re feeding two little ones or are getting them ready for bed.
An hour into an argument last fall, Philip and I were both tired of fighting. Bedtime was approaching, we were both exhausted, and we just wanted to spend time together. After a long week of Philip’s grueling schedule and in the midst of adjusting to two children under two, I remember saying, “I know we’re still upset with each other, and nothing you or I say will change that. So, can we just summarize how the other person is feeling, have them correct us if we’re wrong, and ask how we can fix it for the future?”
It was one of those lightbulb moments for us. Ah, yes! Rather than duke it out for hours on end, why don’t we just figure out what the underlying feelings are that keep fueling the fire? So, that means a little introspection and empathy for both of us. We have to try to figure out what’s really upsetting us and be willing to accept the other person’s feelings. Period.
Dr. Ray spoke to this later in the program. When a caller said they didn’t always feel the need to apologize, Dr. Ray told them, “Remember that you are apologizing for your proportion of the problem–even if it’s just 1%. Don’t wait for the other person to apologize first. Identify your role in the problem, and initiate asking for forgiveness.”
Unsurprisingly, when I asked Philip what he thinks helps us to move faster through conflict, he agrees with Dr. Ray that taking accountability is key. Philip says, “It’s helpful if both people are willing to say they’re sorry because usually both people contributed to the problem. Even if you don’t feel like you’re wrong, saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean that you’re wrong, but that the way you approached making your point might have been the issue rather than what you were saying. Saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t mean ‘I was wrong.'”
He had this to add: “Show the other person that you understand where they are coming from and show them that you understand their reaction. Keeping the focus on their feelings and not just on the problem helps you both to move on.
When you get to a standstill, focus on understanding where the other person is coming from rather than trying to make them understand your point of view. That helps us to move on faster and spend more time together.”
I wish I could say that Philip and I have become conflict resolution experts, but we’re getting better and better. Like developing any habit, it takes a lot of practice to fight fairly with your spouse. Since discovering our new strategy, most times we are able to work through conflict and be hugging within a few minutes. Knowing that your spouse loves you enough to validate your feelings and say they are sorry, even if you are responsible for 99.9% of the problem, removes any temptation from holding a grudge or withholding forgiveness.
“The Happiest Toddler” to “The Happiest Couple”
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’m a big fan of Dr. Harvey Karp and his book, The Happiest Toddler on the Block. To help a toddler to move through a tantrum, Dr. Karp introduces what he calls the “Fast Food Rule” (FFR). The gist is this: Fast food restaurants are successful because the person who is hungriest talks first. Only after the order is placed, the cashier repeats back the order to make sure they heard it correctly.
Dr. Karp adopts this business model to how we can move through tantrums with toddlers:
- The person who is most upset talks first. The other person listens and repeats back what they’re told. Only then do they take their turn to talk.
- When it’s their turn:
- be physical (give a hug, put a hand on their shoulder, sit quietly together)
- whisper
- give options
- explain your point of view–briefly
- teach how to express feelings
- talk about how emotions feel, physically
- grant your child a wish…in fantasy
- give a “You-I” message
- Find the person’s “sweet spot” by remembering what you say to the upset person isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Mirror back about one-third of their emotional intensity in your tone, facial expression, and gestures. You return to a more normal way of talking as they calm.
- Use the FFR instead of words that hurt, compare, distract, and rush to squelch feelings.
Philip and I learned very quickly that we could apply the FFR to our marriage to help us move through conflict faster. When the more upset person has a chance to talk first, the listener sums up what they said, the listener offers a hug, and the listener remembers to find the “sweet spot” by using the right tone, we move through conflict much faster. When we keep in mind that the goal is helping the more upset person to feel understood rather than making a point or “winning,” there’s no need to hold on to grudges.
When we know that the other person loves us enough to fight fairly, it’s easier to say “I’m sorry” and move on so that we can spend the limited time we have together enjoying one another’s company. It’s much more fun to apologize, hug, and move on together than fighting the night away!
![Getting into the Olympic Spirit]()
by Catherine | Jul 28, 2012 | Family
We’ve been getting into the Olympic Spirit around here!
I found this blog post with activities called “Fun With The Olympic Rings” and stole a few of their activities.
First, I put pieces of paper into a muffin tin with colored rings on them.
Then, I showed Janie how to sort the M&M’s by color into the tin.
Of course, we may have eaten a few during the sorting process!
To work more on her color recognition and hand/eye coordination, I created this Olympic Ring inspired worksheet on Microsoft PowerPoint. My PowerPoint making skills from teaching are still coming in handy at home! (Comment below with your e-mail address if you’d like a copy.)
I put one of each M&M color on the 5 rings and showed her how to position them on the circles.
Janie counted the M&M’s as she put them onto the small circles.
I just finished reading Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman. The author talks about how French children learn the important lessons of patience and following directions by baking in the kitchen with their mothers. I thought I’d put this into practice with Janie and make some Olympic-inspired cupcakes. We made some Betty Crocker “Party Rainbow Chip” cupcakes with butter cream frosting. We topped them with the M&M’s that we sorted for our color recognition activities. It’s safe to say that trying our cupcakes was Janie’s favorite part of the day!
Go, USA!
