Last time, I introduced the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” and what it looks like in my relationships. If you missed that one, click here. Today, I’m talking about what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage when one of us has hurt feelings.
If you remember, I first heard the phrase “their invitation is your permission” on the Happy Hour Podcast with Jamie Ivey. Jamie talked about what “their invitation is your permission” looks like with her and her husband Aaron. When Jamie thinks Aaron is upset, she’ll ask him, “‘Hey, are you upset with me?’ and he says, ‘No,’ then I have to believe him. If he’s still acting like he’s upset, then it might be something else, or it’s his turn now to say, like, ‘Hey, I didn’t really…’ but I’m gonna believe you when you say that.”
Jamie has a southern drawl and spouts off these pearls so seamlessly that you might have missed what she said in there. It’s so simple and sounds like such a “duh” kind of thing, but very few of my relationships are built on this kind of simple, direct communication. What she says is vital for marriages. Go back, read what she said, and you’ll realize that there’s a simple formula she relies on her in communication with her husband when conflict arises. Here’s her formula:
- Sense conflict.
- Ask the other person if he/she is upset.
- Listen to the other person say “yes” or “no”
- Believe what the other person says.
The last part is key. We must believe what the other person says. 8 years into our marriage, Philip and I are starting to get a handle on how the other person processes conflict and raw emotions. Philip’s a stuffer and processor while I’m a spewer and exploder. Philip tends to need time to process things and isn’t always able to put labels on how he’s feeling. When Philip is upset, he’s usually not going to say so, and he’ll get less and less friendly as time goes on. It takes me asking him, “Are you upset?” for him to think, “Well, now that you ask, yes, I guess I am.” We’ve had many conversations about how important it is for him to tell me when he’s upset–even if he’s not sure why. More often than not, we can figure out what triggered his hurt feelings together, but it is key that Philip is able to stop, really think about whether he is upset or not, and give me an honest answer. His ability to say, “Yes, I’m upset,” allows both of us to move forward in helping him to feel better again. If he says, “No,” then he knows that I am going to believe his “No.” In the space after our conversation, he might realize like Jamie’s husband that he’s upset about something else. Or, he may just need some time to think about why he’s acting the way he is and realize that, yes, something is bothering him. If Philip tells me that he’s not upset about something when he realizes that he really is, then it’s up to him to let me know that. He can’t hold me accountable to hurt feelings he has told me he doesn’t have.
Meanwhile, I tend to spew and explode. It’s rare for Philip to need to ask me, “Are you upset?” because I’ll take the first chance I get to share my hurt feelings. Oh, yes, I’ll tell him! And I’ll tell him alllllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why I’m upset, and alllllllllllllllllll of the reasons why it’s his fault. Aren’t I darling? When I’m feeling extra rotten, I might even throw in unrelated reasons to be upset. After I’m done spewing and exploding, that’s Philip’s chance to make sure the volcano is done erupting and ask if I’m still upset. That’s my chance to give my “Yes” or “No.” If I say, “No,” then I need to know that Philip is going to believe me and move on, expecting me to move on. If I’m still upset and get ticked off that he’s acting like things are all hunky dory, then that’s on me, and I need to put my big girl pants on and say, “Actually, I’m still upset because…”
“Their Invitation is Your Permission” within marriage is so freeing. When I give Philip an invitation to share his hurt feelings, he knows that that’s his opportunity to share all of it. When I finish unloading my hurt feelings, Philip gives me an invitation to make sure I’ve shared my entire heart. 2 important things need to happen for us to truly accept the invitation:
- Believe we are safe unloading our entire hearts
- Be willing to unpack the entire hurt together
First, we need to believe that we are safe unloading our entire hearts. The person on the receiving end needs to be able to hear all of the reasons why the other person is hurting, and the person sharing needs to be able to do that without fear of telling the truth. This does not mean that the person on the receiving end will agree with everything that is said. I repeat: this does not mean that we are always going to agree with what the hurt person says. The person on the receiving end only needs to be able to listen without interruption and repeat back what they heard. We learned this game changer idea when we read Dr. Harvey Karp’s The Happiest Baby on the Block when we were preparing for the birth of our first child. Dr. Karp calls this the “Fast Food Rule (FFR)” and describes it as a helpful way to engage the irrational toddler brain when they are upset. Unsurprisingly, the FFR works great with an upset spouse, too! At a fast food restaurant, the person who is hungry talks first. Only when they have completed telling their order to the person in the window does the employee ask for clarification. “Do you want ketchup with that?” Only when the order is complete does the employee repeat back the order and ask if they got it right. In conversation, the FFR works like this: the person who is most “hungry” (upset) talks first. They tell their “order” (all of the reasons why they are upset). Only when the person who is upset is done speaking does the other person ask clarifying questions. It is so important that they remember they are only asking questions to clarify what they heard and are not interjecting to insert their version of what happened. Whether or not we choose to believe that we’re safe unloading all of our hearts hinges on the other person’s ability to listen calmly and objectively. Then, once the person “taking the order” is confident that they understand, they repeat back what they heard. “So you’re frustrated about x because x, is that right?” This is the turning point of most of our marital conflict. When we’re upset, we unload the reasons why we’re upset, our spouse listens, and they’re able to repeat back exactly what they heard, something amazing happens. We feel understood and, more often than not, roughly 90% of the tension goes away. Whether or not our spouse agrees with us at this point, we know moving forward that they get it. They might not agree with why we are upset, but they understand why we are so hurt. A spouse who is willing to patiently listen until they understand why we are hurting is usually willing to go the remaining 10% to find a solution that will bring about reconciliation and forgiveness.
If we accept the invitation to completely and safely unload our hearts until we get to a place where we feel understood, we’re ready to do the second part of the invitation: unpacking the entire hurt together. Alone, we might not realize all of the facets of why the problem is irking us, but we can usually figure it out together. Sometimes, the hurt is a symptom of a bigger problem. When Philip tells me that he’s feeling micromanaged, the problem isn’t his unwillingness to do a task to a high standard; it’s about the disrespect he feels from my nitpicking. When I tell Philip that he has been unfriendly, it’s not because he has been saying mean things or or has been unhelpful; instead, I’m probably needing a hug or more than a passing conversation. Once we’re unpacked the entire hurt, we understand moving forward how to either avoid it or stop the cycle from repeating itself in the future.
When we choose to accept those invitations as our permission to be vulnerable in our hurt, we encourage the other to be receptive to why we are hurting. When we are offered a sincere invitation to share our hearts, we act less like cagey animals and more like the wounded people that we are. It is so worth it to be brave with each other. After awhile, it stops feeling like being brave, and it starts feeling like stepping stones toward even greater intimacy. Next time you’re feeling some tension in your marriage, give your spouse an invitation to be vulnerable with their hurt. Follow the Fast Food Rule, and give them permission to completely and safely unload. Then, be willing to unpack the entire hurt together. See if it doesn’t change the way you work through conflict. Your invitation is their permission toward healing.
