I was listening to The Happy Hour With Jamie Ivey episode #13 last week while I did the dinner dishes.  Jamie and her guest, Annie Downs, author of the book Let’s All Be Brave, were talking about bravery in relationships.  They spent a chunk of the podcast talking about this phrase and its meaning:

“Their Invitation is Your Permission.”  When I heard their conversation, I realized how much I needed to hear their words.  The “invitation” doesn’t need to be a literal invitation for me to do something; it can be a compliment, a question of how I’m feeling, an opportunity to vent, a need for hard love truth-telling, a chance to take a break.  Sometimes, it’s an actual invitation to get together or share a talent.  Since listening to their podcast, I’ve been carrying the phrase “Their Invitation is Your Permission” along with me in all of my relationships.

In the podcast, Annie shared a story about a friend who speaks at conferences.  The friend was struggling because every time a conference director called to invite her to speak, she ended up telling them why they shouldn’t hire her.  Jamie said she does the same thing when someone invites her to write something.

“Do you really want me to write this?” she’d ask.

Jamie and Annie agreed that they do this in their relationships.  The person gives them an invitation, and they refuse to take their permission to accept it.  Annie said she even did it when it came to scheduling the recording of the podcast.  She said to Jamie, “I had the wrong time and you said, ‘How about now?’ and I said, ‘Are you sure?’  And I’m like, ‘Well, you offered now.  I should just listen.’

Yes, yes, yes!  I do this all the time in my own life!  Someone will offer to do me a favor, or maybe they’ll suggest meeting at a time that seems inconvenient for them, so I do the, “Are you sure?” thing.  So.  Silly.  They just said they could do x, so why am I asking, “Are you sure?”  Moving forward, I need to hear the words they’re saying, trust that they mean them, accept them, and move forward.    Is it my own insecurity, my feelings that I’m not worth the trouble?  Is it an attempt to stop someone from doing an act of love for me?    Doing all of that only invites doubt into the relationship.  Also, it robs their words of their meaning.  I need to start allowing their words to be enough for me and give them their meaning back.

Allowing my loved ones’ words to have meaning helps me to practice giving my own words meaning.  As part of His sermon on the mount, Jesus focused on swearing oaths.  He told His disciples not to swear or make oaths.  “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from the Evil One” (Matthew 5:37).  I’m not making oaths in my everyday conversations with friends and family, but there’s an important lesson here.  My loved ones will start to believe that my words are worthless if I keep muddying the waters with qualifications, excuses, or hedging around what I really want to say.

In order to make my “Yes” or “No” mean something, I need to change 2 things:  First, I need to stop qualifying every “No” with an detailed explanation.  Do you do this?  Why do I start on a little soliloquy every time I decline an invitation?  “No, I can’t come to dinner on Friday because…”  Why do I feel the need to qualify every sentence or explain my every move?  Do we somehow think it’s more of a social nicety to give a paragraph when a simple “no” will do?  Stop.  “No” is enough.

Second, when someone invites me to do something that seems inconvenient for them, I tend to accept the invitation before immediately suggesting several alternatives.  Perhaps they’ll suggest to meet early on a Saturday morning for coffee.  I’ll respond with something like, “Sure!  Or, what about these other 3 options that seem better?”  Lunacy.

When I do all of this over and over again (qualifying my “no” or accepting an invitation before immediately creating new ones), I tell the person I’m speaking to that our words aren’t enough.  This trains both of us to start searching every word for a hidden message.  On the receiving end, we stop believing every “yes” or “no” we hear, and we search for an underlying message of hurt, betrayal, annoyance, frustration, anger.  After hearing Jamie and Annie talk about “Their Invitation is Your Permission,” I’m working on how I give and accept invitations.  So, Friend, when you tell me that it works for you to get coffee early on a Saturday morning, I’m no longer going to ask, “Are you suuuuuuuuuuure?”  I’m going to trust that your word is your sincere invitation to allow me to say, “Great!  Looking forward to it!”  And isn’t it so wonderful when a friend eagerly accepts your sincere invitation?

When I look at all of my relationships, the ones with strong communication are full of honesty and simplicity.  “Their invitation is your permission” pervades every conversation.  It’s really just about giving and accepting truth.  When I’m on the receiving end of an invitation, how I accept it says a lot about me.  If someone gives me a compliment and I choose to accept it sincerely instead of the silly false modesty thing, that can be a gift.  If feels good when someone accepts a sincere compliment.

Making my own language simple will free all of us from the burden of the blabber.  It brings meaning back to my words.  In turn, it shows my loved ones that I’m going to believe their simple “yes” or “no.”  Inviting them to believe me and showing them that I’m going to believe them removes the doubt and need for guesswork.  This, my friends, is vital for any relationship.

It’s especially vital in marriage, and next time I’ll share what “Their Invitation is Your Permission” looks like in our marriage.

Questions for you:

Do you struggle with accepting others’ invitations?  Again, remember that an invitation isn’t limited to a literal invitation.  Do you qualify your “no”?  Do you accept invitations and then immediately come up with alternatives?  Or, perhaps you’ve recognized these patterns in conversation and have tried to put a stop to these bad habits.  How has “Their Invitation is Your Permission” changed how you talk with your loved ones?