Since “the domestic church” mirrors the Triune God’s Love, I’m convinced there’s nothing the accuser relishes more than trying to tear apart marriages. With each baby, Philip and I learn some new tricks to help us navigate the newborn phase a bit more smoothly. In this series, I’d like to share those tips and tricks in the hopes that they’ll help you the next time you find yourself in the newborn or other variety of survival mode.
Today, I’m tackling what Philip and I call minimums. Minimums are exactly what they sound like–the very least that you’d like happening in your world in order for you to keep your sanity.
A few weeks before Dorothy was born, I was getting anxious about entering back into the newborn phase. I may or may not have started catastrophizing as the hormones took over after a long day, and I started thinking of all of the ways the newborn phase would be difficult for us.
When I catastrophize, I come up with all of the worst case scenarios on any given day or moment.
“We’re never going to be able to…”
“But what if…?”
“How in the world are we going to…?”
“I don’t think I can…”
“I already feel like I’m drowning, so how am I going to _________ with FOUR kids?!”
Combine the crazy extremes with hormones and lack of sleep from all of the contractions, and it all seemed like pretty legit reasoning in my head.
Enter my knight in shining armor and voice of reason husband, Philip. He ever-so-gently brought me back to reality, reminding me that we’ve had a couple of kids, that we’ve survived survival mode a few times, and that we were better prepared than ever to welcome a new baby into our family. Even so, I asked if we could take a few minutes to discuss our minimums for when Baby arrived.
My minimums:
- A shower every morning
- A tidy family room
- Our open concept kitchen looks into the family room. Before the kids go to bed, I like to have the room put back in order–pillows neatly arranged on the furniture, books in the baskets, and toys back in the cupboard. The toys in the family room were starting to take longer for the kids to pick up every evening, so I did a purge a few weeks before Dorothy’s arrival. Since purging the family room toys, the kids are able to tidy the room faster and they play with the toys more frequently. They haven’t even asked for the toys that disappeared.
- A tidy kitchen
- Cleared off and clean countertops
- Cleared off and clean kitchen table
- Empty sink and dishes loaded in the dishwasher (ideally running overnight)
- Trash emptied
- 6 hours of sleep (not necessarily continuous)
- 1 load of laundry everyday
- Kids maintaining their morning & evening jobs
- making beds
- dirty clothes down the laundry chute
- tidying bedrooms
- getting dressed without destroying the order of their drawers or closets
- Regular breaks away from the kids (blogging, walks with Monty, naps)
- Getting outside of the house for at least 15 minutes everyday
- Once a month date night
- Time to connect with Philip (and talk with an adult!) every night for half an hour
- Pumping in the morning starting at 3 weeks postpartum
- This relieves me from the anxiety of feeling tethered and the stress of having to always be available to breastfeed. Being free to take occasional breaks keeps me sane.
- Multiple hugs everyday and lots of verbal cheerleading from Philip
- A Mother’s Helper for a few hours a few days a week
I won’t share all of Philip’s minimums, but the highlights include: eating, sleeping, and words of affirmation from me. We all have our things. For me, clean kitchen counters bring peace. For Philip, hearing that he’s a great husband and father will get him through just about any day around here.
With each child, we’ve gotten better about advocating for our own minimums and working to meet (and exceed) them for each other. Knowing each other’s minimums helps us to give ourselves permission to lower the bar on everything else. Then, when we do exceed the minimums, it makes us feel like absolute rock stars! Slowly but surely, Baby gets a little older, we start getting more sleep, and we start exceeding the minimums on a regular basis as we find our new rhythm.
Photo by L Guerra Photography
We’re still very much in the trenches of the minimums stage, but I am pleased to report that this has been our easiest transition yet. I wouldn’t say that it has been easy, but it hasn’t been nearly as difficult as it was in the past. Having our minimums in place went a long way in bringing peace to the day-to-day around here.
Doesn’t it look peaceful around here?
Photo by L Guerra Photography
What are your minimums when you’re in survival mode?
Rotella Bread, bananas, veggies, nuts, cereal, milk and water, and some form of all purpose flour & granulated sugar immediate energy revival remedy for me…grapes, crackers, bologna, cottage cheese, corn, peas for Michaela….apples, carrots, yogurt, sandwich fixings, chips, and coffee for Nate….cereal, PB&J, hot dogs, baby carrots, corn, peas, any fruit, “SNACK” for Jonathan and we all enjoy either beef, pork, fish, or fowl each week but certainly could get by without
a shower every other evening with only a night light on in the restroom at the time of showering and two minutes of solid brushing of the chompers twice a day
I don’t have to but I certainly do enjoy watching world news for 1/2 hour between 3 and 4:30 a.m. preferably followed by 1/2 to 1 hour of pen to paper writing or thoughts running rampant…that happens a lot
prayers for world peace and peace for my family, friends, neighbors, city, county, country, continent, and planet
reciting Hail Mary’s and/or Our Fathers as seem fit during the day (each has their own place and time)
Grace Before Meals
prayers to Saint Christopher before or during a road trip anywhere by car, bike, etc
beds made, dishes at least in or next to the sink (either dirty or cleaned and air drying), kitchen table and floor clear of toys and crumbs, floors vacuumed on Wednesday (or another day), and 1 load of laundry each day or 2 one day and take a day off from that duty
walking or active playing (not including service time) with the kids and dog 2-3 hours a day
volunteering for, donating to, voting for, and electing democrats I believe in
haven’t done it for almost 5 years now but donating blood was a minimalism that needs added to my list again as Michaela was completely weaned while I was at LGH West those 6 nights
Good Night Prayers, Hugs, and Kisses
***Catherine, let us know if we can be of service in the “Mother’s Helper” department you mention. Your kiddos are more than welcome at our place if you need to go grocery shopping or whatever. Offer is there and you should have our home phone number. Sorry I don’t have a mobile phone. That was one of the choices I made when becoming a mother and I’m sticking with it at least until “soccer mom” days begin. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your minimums, Kari. That’s a great list!
Rotella Bread, bananas, veggies, nuts, cereal, milk and water, and some form of all purpose flour & granulated sugar immediate energy revival remedy for me…grapes, crackers, bologna, cottage cheese, corn, peas for Michaela….apples, carrots, yogurt, sandwich fixings, chips, and coffee for Nate….cereal, PB&J, hot dogs, baby carrots, corn, peas, any fruit, “SNACK” for Jonathan and we all enjoy either beef, pork, fish, or fowl each week but certainly could get by without
a shower every other evening with only a night light on in the restroom at the time of showering and two minutes of solid brushing of the chompers twice a day
I don’t have to but I certainly do enjoy watching world news for 1/2 hour between 3 and 4:30 a.m. preferably followed by 1/2 to 1 hour of pen to paper writing or thoughts running rampant…that happens a lot
prayers for world peace and peace for my family, friends, neighbors, city, county, country, continent, and planet
reciting Hail Mary’s and/or Our Fathers as seem fit during the day (each has their own place and time)
Grace Before Meals
prayers to Saint Christopher before or during a road trip anywhere by car, bike, etc
beds made, dishes at least in or next to the sink (either dirty or cleaned and air drying), kitchen table and floor clear of toys and crumbs, floors vacuumed on Wednesday (or another day), and 1 load of laundry each day or 2 one day and take a day off from that duty
walking or active playing (not including service time) with the kids and dog 2-3 hours a day
volunteering for, donating to, voting for, and electing democrats I believe in
haven’t done it for almost 5 years now but donating blood was a minimalism that needs added to my list again as Michaela was completely weaned while I was at LGH West those 6 nights
Good Night Prayers, Hugs, and Kisses
***Catherine, let us know if we can be of service in the “Mother’s Helper” department you mention. Your kiddos are more than welcome at our place if you need to go grocery shopping or whatever. Offer is there and you should have our home phone number. Sorry I don’t have a mobile phone. That was one of the choices I made when becoming a mother and I’m sticking with it at least until “soccer mom” days begin. 🙂
Thanks for sharing your minimums, Kari. That’s a great list!
I came across your blog from the Catholic Mom website. I loved this post! I am a mom of 6, my youngest is now almost 6 months old. I always say the first 3 months of a new baby are just “survival mode.” I think my family has sort of naturally fallen into some minimums, but to actually spell them out would be great, and I think would ease some of the tension that comes from having a newborn in the house!
My very important minimum would be to have the coffee maker filled and ready the night before, so all you have to do it hit the power button in the morning. Nothing is more important to me in the morning after being up with a newborn at night, than my morning coffee!
I look forward to reading more of your posts!
Hello, Beth! I always get excited when I see a new name in the com-box. Thanks for popping over! Our newest addition is just shy of 2 months, so I’m glad to hear I’m still in “survival mode” according to a mama of 6 because I’m still feeling that way most days. Ha, yes, the coffee is key! My husband received a Keurig from his parents a few years ago for his birthday when he was still in residency, and it was been VERY well loved at our home. If we didn’t have a Keurig, I’d most definitely need the coffee maker filled and ready to go when I wake up. We’d get along great, Beth! 🙂 I hope I’ll be seeing more of you!
I came across your blog from the Catholic Mom website. I loved this post! I am a mom of 6, my youngest is now almost 6 months old. I always say the first 3 months of a new baby are just “survival mode.” I think my family has sort of naturally fallen into some minimums, but to actually spell them out would be great, and I think would ease some of the tension that comes from having a newborn in the house!
My very important minimum would be to have the coffee maker filled and ready the night before, so all you have to do it hit the power button in the morning. Nothing is more important to me in the morning after being up with a newborn at night, than my morning coffee!
I look forward to reading more of your posts!
Hello, Beth! I always get excited when I see a new name in the com-box. Thanks for popping over! Our newest addition is just shy of 2 months, so I’m glad to hear I’m still in “survival mode” according to a mama of 6 because I’m still feeling that way most days. Ha, yes, the coffee is key! My husband received a Keurig from his parents a few years ago for his birthday when he was still in residency, and it was been VERY well loved at our home. If we didn’t have a Keurig, I’d most definitely need the coffee maker filled and ready to go when I wake up. We’d get along great, Beth! 🙂 I hope I’ll be seeing more of you!
I love that you used the word “catastrophizing”. I thought that this might just be an Army resilience term. But it is such a big deal. Not quite planning on a “Year of Me” yet (or even a month — one thing at a time right now), but I am adopting a theme of “Trust” for the rest of the year.
Anyway, I’m writing down your minimums. Right now we’re just past the newborn stage (and I have half as many littles at home as you do), but I’m excited to come up with a routine using your minimums as a basis. Because I need to get all of these things in before I add more, huh? 🙂
Kristi, so much to talk about here! I love that you know your limits with where you are right now and instead are choosing a theme. “Trust” is such a biggie. Just sitting and thinking about it for a few minutes, it’s easy for me to rattle off a bunch of ways that I struggle with trust across different areas of my life. Thanks for the reminder to reflect on this today.
As far as what you were saying with the minimums and, “I need to get all of these things in before I add more,” this is another area of trust–and I’m saying this as much to you as I am to myself. God will give us exactly the graces we need exactly when we need them exactly for the children He chooses to give us. Focus on where you are in this chapter today and what you, your faith life, your marriage, and your family need. God won’t be outdone in generosity. We just need to TRUST in that. (I give you permission to spit these words back at me when I’m struggling!)
I love that you used the word “catastrophizing”. I thought that this might just be an Army resilience term. But it is such a big deal. Not quite planning on a “Year of Me” yet (or even a month — one thing at a time right now), but I am adopting a theme of “Trust” for the rest of the year.
Anyway, I’m writing down your minimums. Right now we’re just past the newborn stage (and I have half as many littles at home as you do), but I’m excited to come up with a routine using your minimums as a basis. Because I need to get all of these things in before I add more, huh? 🙂
Kristi, so much to talk about here! I love that you know your limits with where you are right now and instead are choosing a theme. “Trust” is such a biggie. Just sitting and thinking about it for a few minutes, it’s easy for me to rattle off a bunch of ways that I struggle with trust across different areas of my life. Thanks for the reminder to reflect on this today.
As far as what you were saying with the minimums and, “I need to get all of these things in before I add more,” this is another area of trust–and I’m saying this as much to you as I am to myself. God will give us exactly the graces we need exactly when we need them exactly for the children He chooses to give us. Focus on where you are in this chapter today and what you, your faith life, your marriage, and your family need. God won’t be outdone in generosity. We just need to TRUST in that. (I give you permission to spit these words back at me when I’m struggling!)