After talking about it for years, I finally started getting serious about finding a spiritual director as part of my revised Mother’s Rule of Life for 2015.  What’s a spiritual director?  Simply put, a spiritual director helps his/her directee along their way toward sainthood.  To learn more, read about spiritual direction here.

I wanted my spiritual director to be a priest so that we could start our monthly meetings with confession.  In terms of personality, I wanted the priest to be:

• Faithful to Church Teaching
• Down to earth, relatable
• Knowledgeable about the vocation of marriage–its blessings, challenges, and everything in between
• Experienced with working with married people
• Willing to challenge me and ask the hard questions

In addition to praying, I asked good friends who know the priests in our diocese who they thought would be a good fit.  Then, I created a short list of good and holy priests who might be willing to work with me.  When I talk about experience with spiritual direction, people ask me how I “got him” (my spiritual director).  I usually say, “I’m shameless.  He didn’t know me.  I just called and asked him.”

I knew our monthly meetings (we’ve been meeting for 9 months) were helping me to grow in sanctity, but I don’t think I knew exactly how big the changes were until the other week.  I was talking with Philip on the phone when kindergartener Jane came up to me, touched my arm, and said out of the blue,

Philip was out of town for a long weekend at a medical conference, so I was distracted by our conversation and opportunity to chat for a few minutes on the phone.  It wasn’t until I had put the kids to bed that night and had a quiet evening ahead of me that Jane’s words sank in.

“Mama, you don’t yell at us anymore.”

So simple.  So direct.  So matter of fact.

I don’t yell at the kids anymore.

Wait.

(Cue the tears.)

I don’t yell at the kids anymore!!!

It’s one thing when you start to notice yourself kicking yourself less for your parenting mistakes.  It’s another when your little one tells you that you’ve kicked a vice in the butt.  I don’t know about your kids, but mine are very honest about these kinds of things.  Sometimes, they’re painfully honest.

That night, sitting on the couch, wiping away the tears as I realized Jane was right, I realized something else: spiritual direction was the reason why I wasn’t yelling anymore.

Before I started spiritual direction, I wasn’t very good about scheduling confession on a regular basis.  With a monthly meeting for spiritual direction on the calendar, I had a guaranteed scheduled confession every month.  This was exactly what I needed to start magnifying where I was struggling and work with Father on how to overcome (or at least wage a more convincing battle against) my sins.  Yelling at the kids was one of those sins that I was embarrassed to keep bringing with me to my confessions month after month.

After confession, when we talked about whatever issues I wanted to bring up, I often shared how discouraged I was with how often I was losing my temper with the kids.  Father is a great spiritual director for me because he allows me to see my sins, but he doesn’t allow me to beat myself up unnecessarily over them.  He encourages me to fight against them, to struggle with them, but he reminds me that I can’t let the struggle ruin my joy.

“but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

At our last meeting, we started with an opening prayer and confession as usual.  Afterward, I told him that I’m seeing the fruits of spiritual direction in my day-to-day life.  I shared the story of Jane telling me, “Mama, you don’t yell at us anymore.”  As my confessor, he knows as well as I do that I still struggle with controlling my temper and restraining my tongue from discouraging the kids, but he also knows that it’s not happening with nearly the same frequency or severity.  That’s the beauty of having a spiritual director who is also my confessor.  He knows my struggles, he works alongside me to help me to see how I can do better, and he sees the difference the graces make in between our meetings.  Perhaps the best part is the sweetness of finally getting to share a baby step victory toward conquering a big sin in my life.  I can’t begin to explain how awesome it was to have him look at me with tears in his eyes and say, “I am so happy for you.”

Isn’t that what true Christian friendship is all about anyway?  As Christians, we believe that love seeks the other’s good, and our ultimate good is eternal communion with God in heaven.  With that definition in mind, imagine if all of our friendships were like a relationship with a spiritual director.  A true friend is someone who can help you to acknowledge your imperfections, love you as they pull you up when you fall, and celebrate with you as you grow.