Finding the Wheat

I met with my spiritual director yesterday.

(Quick commercial for spiritual direction:  Spiritual direction is one of the best things I’ve ever done for my soul–and I’m only three months in.  Really, party people, ya gotta get yourself a spiritual director.  Do.  It.  Now.  Spend some solid knee time praying about it.  Until you find a good and holy spiritual director, consider making your own Board of Spiritual Directors.  Between my board and my monthly meetings with Father, I’ve never felt more encouraged and motivated to keep on keepin’ on with the path to holiness.  If you have no idea what spiritual direction is all about, start here.)

I went to confession during Holy Week, so I didn’t feel the need to confess during our meeting, but I said that I would like to start our meetings with the sacrament of confession each month.  That way, Father will be better equipped to guide me toward holiness as my spiritual director and confessor.  Before we ended our meeting, I asked him what he thinks a good confession looks like and what a good examination of conscience looks like.  Today, I want to share one piece of advice Father had about a good examination of conscience.

Before I met with Father yesterday, I thought an examination was simply a review of where I went wrong morally since my last confession.  Often, before someone goes to confession, they will find a guided examination of conscience that lists possible violations of the Ten Commandments as a guide.  (Here is a list of different examples of formal examinations of conscience from the USCCB.)

Father encouraged me to look at an examination of conscience differently.  I had said that I wanted to do a better job of including my examination of conscience in my evening prayers.  I was looking for some insights as to what a good examination looked like.  The Type-A part of me wanted him to hand me a book or a favorite printed off copy of a detailed examination.  Nope, not with Father.  That’s why he’s a good spiritual director for me!

“I want you to ask yourself, ‘What did I do well today?’  And you have to do it before you move on to asking, ‘What didn’t I do well?’ whether it’s through omission or action.  And I would say it has to be 2 positives to 1 negative.  And I know it doesn’t always work out like that, but you should aim for that.”

Dang.

He was peering into my soul.

At the end of the day, I’m a pro at zeroing in on all of my mommy failures or bad wife moments.  I think back to the moments when I yelled, I used a harsh tone, I got impatient, …the list goes on and on.  It’s easy to avoid examining my conscience because I’m so good at knowing exactly where I went wrong–to the nth degree!  Most nights, I’m so tired that the last thing I want to do before going to sleep is do a play-by-play of all of my mistakes.  It’s a discouraging way to end the day.

Father knows that I need to learn to find the wheat among the weeds in my life, especially within myself.  I am so good at allowing the devil to do what he does best.  I let him accuse me of all of my failings and buy into the lies that I’m not good enough at this vocation that God has called me to.

Father’s simple advice revealed an important fact that I tend to forget: a good examination of conscience isn’t just about the bad.  It’s about all of it–the good, the bad, and the ugly.

• It’s about finding the patterns of sin.  Why did I lose my temper?  What changes do I need to make?  
• Then, it’s about prayerfully turning them over to the Lord without shame.
• It’s accepting that I’m a work in progress.  In statu viae
• Then, it’s being vulnerable and open enough to ask God for the graces to overcome those patterns of sin.
• Finally, it’s doing the thing that I struggle with most:  Finding the wheat among the weeds in my soul.  God must love it when His children thank Him for helping them to get better at something they’re struggling with.  It can be as simple as, “Hey, I didn’t yell when I normally would have!  Thank You!”

I thought it’d be fun to do a pictorial search for the wheat while the kids are napping.  Here’s what the kitchen is looking like right now, completely un-edited for your eyes:

Since I usually struggle with finding the wheat around this time of day (“the witching hour”), I thought it’d be fun to snap a quick pic of the chaos that is today.  Then, I thought I’d sit down with the picture in front of me and find the wheat amongst the weeds–the good stuff that has happened and the good stuff I’m reminded of in this picture.  (I’ll spare you from the weeds because, well, you can already see some of ’em, and most of it is for me to sort out with God tonight before bed.)

Today’s wheat:

• I started my day with quiet prayer time and coffee
• I prioritized my health by exercising (Hooray for Nike Fitness Club with a new Spotify playlist)
• Well-Read Mom book club with a group of beautiful, faith-filled women and their children (Book still on the counter)
• Philip went to SAM’s with Harry while Walt was at preschool and Jane & I were at book club (Represented by the fruit basket)
• Big smooches from Philip when we got home for lunch (And big giggles from the peanut gallery watching us!)
• I got down to her level and took the time to hear all of the intricate details of Jane’s picture.  “I drew it for you, Mama!” (The pink piece of paper left on the counter)
• An empty cake carrier to be washed after all of the carrot cake goodness from Easter
• A bag with a few new exercise tops & bottoms from Walmart
• The beautiful blooming tree outside the kitchen window
• A nice phone call from my aunt
• A basket full of kids’ clothes to be folded (mostly from their adventures in our muddy backyard from last week)
• A fellow “Godparent” (another mom in our parish who has a GodTeens group) generously dropped off a few things to help us with our upcoming home Mass
• Dinner is already cookin’ (represented by the crockpot)

Instead of focusing solely on the weeds-a-plenty (and, as I’ve already established, I’m good at finding the weeds), I’m starting to work on finding the wheat in the middle of my day.  Thank You, Lord, for all of the abundant wheat.  We’ll chat about the weeds later tonight.  The good news is I’ll be less discouraged because I’m seeing the ways that You are working to cultivate the wheat within me and our family in spite of my weeds.

“Let both of them grow together until the harvest; and at harvest time I will tell the reapers, Collect the weeds first and bind them in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my barn.”

(Matthew 13:30)  

What’s your wheat today?