In case you’ve missed the previous three posts in the series, I’m revisiting our Family’s Rule of Life (based on Holly Pierlot’s book, A Mother’s Rule of Life).  Basically, a Rule of Life is an examination of your vocation and its essential duties so that you can put them into a proper schedule.  After my introduction post in the series, I jumped into what Holly Pierlot calls the “5 P’s”:

1. Prayer
2. Person
3. Partner
4. Parent
5. Provider

I’ve already looked at Prayer and Person.  Today, we’re moving on to the 3rd “P”: Partner.  This post is all about how Philip and I are working to further nurture and strengthen our marriage.

One of my favorite pictures from our wedding day is this one:

During our nuptial Mass, our pastor gave us a crucifix that he blessed while we held it in our hands.  He instructed us to hang the crucifix in a prominent place in our home as a reminder that our marriage is to mirror Christ’s love for His Church.  Marriage, after all, is one of the sacraments of service.  As Holly Pierlot wrote in A Mother’s Rule of Life, “The sacrament of marriage is meant to enable us to fulfill a mission–in this instance, a mission of service and love toward our spouse.”  I love that our wise pastor reminded us of this sacred mission entrusted to us in the sacrament of marriage.  When we live marriage well, we are channels of grace for our spouses and help them on their way to heaven.

In order to make sure that we remain channels of grace for one another, we are working on keeping these things in mind:

• Attribute only good motives to one another’s actions
• When faced with problems, treat it as “you and me vs. the problem” instead of “me vs. you”
• Before jumping in, ask ourselves, “Am I seeking my spouse’s good, or am I just trying to interfere?”
• Distinguish between emotions and facts (Remember my resolve to respond instead of react?)
• Sincerely desire to hear each other’s needs
• When disagreements arise: defer to the spouse who is the “expert” in the area, ask for outside advice when needed, and commit to both of us owning the decision
• Remember St. Pope John Paul II’s definition of love as “availability, acceptance, and help”

Date Night Selfie

I had some fun making a list of ways that I can show Philip how much I love him.  I thought of ways I could help him other than regular housework, how I can show him that he is appreciated, ways I can make his life easier, and little things I can do to keep the spark going.  Here are a few of the things I came up with:

• Put his favorite meals on the menu
• Leave little love notes in his workout bag, iPad case, or car sun visor
• Pack his lunches (he usually makes his own)
• Bake a special treat or a loaf of bread to go with dinner
• Take care of me like I did when we were dating (exercise, hair, makeup, etc.)
• Be attentive in conversation (eye contact, follow-up questions, put down all devices)
• Give him a warm homecoming (big hug and smooch, pause what I’m doing to welcome him home)
• Pray for him throughout the day
• Give him words of affirmation (general (that he’s a great dad, husband, son, doctor, friend, etc.) and specific (that he did a great job on a particular task, that I appreciate a specific personality trait, that he is handsome, funny, witty, romantic, etc.)
• Checking in on a regular basis to find out how we can further improve our intimate life
• Relinquish control and defer to Philip more often
• Take a more active role in planning our date nights

What are we doing on a regular basis to nurture our relationship?

• Regular time together after the kids go to bed (I stop doing housework after I close up the kitchen and we put kids to bed.  We schedule pockets of time to work on projects throughout the week, but we largely set aside our evenings to be together.)
• Early bedtime to keep both of us rested (In bed at 9:30, lights out at 10)
• Family meeting every Sunday night to keep our week on track
• Scheduling an at-home date night during the week every week (sometimes it’s as simple as a glass of wine and cuddling on the couch)
• Regular date nights out of the house at least once a month
• Reading books about marriage together for our “bedtime book club” (we spend time reading before bed and will discuss what we’re reading)
• Couple prayer time before bed (Lately, we’ve been reading a reflection by Mother Angelica on one mystery of the Rosary, and Philip will lead us in praying a decade of the Rosary.  Then, we’ll close with some spontaneous prayer.)
• Sharing a weekly holy hour (We alternate who goes each week while the other one stays home with the kids.)
• Working on the different areas of intimacy we learned during our engagement NFP training using the acronym SPICE
  • Spiritual
  • Physical
  • Intellectual
  • Communicative/Creative
  • Emotional
• Finding regular opportunities to enrich our marriage.  (We’re attending a Marriage Encounter retreat next month.)
• Scheduling time for each of us to have breaks, exercise, get out with friends, or work on a hobby

*     *     *

I am thrilled to share a fantastic resource with you!  Remember how I’m a podcast junkie and especially love anything with Fr. John Riccardo?  Well, my friends, Fr. Riccardo just launched a 5-week program at his parish in which he looks at the Biblical vision of marriage and family.  I listened to Week 1 this morning as I worked on my morning jobs, and it was fantastic.  (The sound cuts out in a few places, but the content is so rich that it’s worth fast forwarding through the spotty parts of the broadcast.)  I’m going to ask Philip to listen to them with me as a mini marriage study.  Perhaps you and your husband can do the same!

When I resume the series on our Family’s Rule of Life, we’ll look at the 4th “P”: Parent.

Questions for you:

How do you take care of your marriage?  Have you let your marriage take a backseat to your children’s needs or the general busy-ness of life?

Make a list of all of the ways you can show your spouse that you love him/her.  Try to do at least one of those things this week.