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| Good friends let you do stuff like this and don’t run away in embarrassment |
Like I wrote in Part 1 of Picking Up Mommy Friends, I’d say picking up other mamas comes down to a few basic steps:
- Get out and go where the mamas and children are
- Observe the mamas and children in action
- Strike up a conversation with the awesome mamas
- Suggest meeting up again
1. Get out and go where the mamas and children are
This sounds easy enough, but for us new moms who are getting used to the ins and outs of running a home with little ones, it’s much easier to stay at home and keep up with the usual routine than to get out of the house. Getting out with little ones usually involves breaking your kiddos’ schedules and/or finding yourself in uncomfortable situations. After all, when little ones are involved, anything can happen! Combine that with inclement weather, and you’ve got a really exciting outing on your hands. Navigating a crowded parking lot covered in snow with little ones is a tricky thing indeed. No wonder so many of us moms wind up stuck at home, keeping the status quo, rather than trekking out to make some social connections.
I joke about it all the time, but I need these regular outings to maintain my English speaking skills! I find myself more and more tongue-tied the longer I stay at home. Finding other mamas to talk with during the day helps me to break out of my bubble.
The kids and I make regular visits to the neighborhood park, library, community center, museum, zoo, clothing stores, our parish church, and, of course, the grocery store/Walmart. These places are always full of other mamas and children.
2. Observe the mamas and children in action
Once you’re out and about town and find the mamas and children, observe them in action. No need to be a creeper. Consider it just a little healthy people watching. Seeing how the mamas and children respond to the inevitable uncomfortable situations when they arise will help you determine which mama you want to strike up a conversation with. These are your Potential Mama Friends (PMFs).
When PMF’s toddler whacks another kid upside the head with a shovel at the playground, does PMF scream at the toddler and say, “Francois, what the bleep is wrong with you?!” If so, she’s probably not PMF material.
On the other hand, if PMF’s toddler steals your kid’s shovel and PMF intervenes, encouraging them to share and take turns, she’s definite PMF material.
A mom friend is a special breed of friend. Not only does she need to be someone that you’d want to have a cup of coffee with, but she needs to have a compatible parenting style and similar values. If your parenting styles don’t mix, it’ll be obvious, and your future playdates will be an awkward tightrope walk of inner questions. “Oooooo, does she think I’m being too harsh with the kids? Maybe she thinks I’m way too permissive with them.” If that inner monologue is playing constantly during the playdate, perhaps you’re better suited to see this mama sans kiddos since your parenting styles don’t mix and it becomes a stressful visit for everyone.
Unfortunately, even if we are as desirable as ever (duh) as mama friends, our kids can turn the best of playdates into a scene from The Exorcist.
How did Jane learn how to do “the sleeper” move? Has she been watching WWF after Philip and I go to bed at night?
These moments of conflict are great learning moments for you and the kids. Your cool PMF might pull out a discipline trick you’ve never thought of before, or you might offer some quick conflict resolution over the coveted princess tiara in the dress-up bin. Seeing how PMFs navigate these potentially uncomfortable situations can be the perfect catalyst to a mommy-mance.
3. Strike up a conversation with the awesome mamas
You see a mom across the community center gym with four kids and she’s giving out equal amounts of hugs and tough love. While holding her baby and pushing her toddler in a scooter, her older child wipes out across the gym because he was riding his bike like Evel Knievel. She handles it like a pro. She doesn’t bat an eye, waits for his reaction from the tumble, and gives him just the reassurance he needs before he hops back on the bike. This is the mama you strike up a conversation with.
This kind of PMF can juggle a conversation during a playdate while keeping an eye on the kiddos. She doesn’t let the inevitable outbursts or tumbles ruin the day. She rolls with the punches and doesn’t think you’re a terrible mom when your kid does something “developmentally appropriate.” She’s been there. She’s had those days, too. In fact, she has some fantastic horror stories to share with you and cheer you up with when you’re having a bad day.
She doesn’t have to be perfect to be a PMF for you to strike up a conversation. In fact, she’s a better PMF candidate if she’s quick to admit the imperfections and, in spite of them, go about her day, being the best mama she can be.
While you and PMF visit, remember the stand-by rule that people are really good at talking about themselves and generally like it when people show interest in them. So, dazzle PMF with your interest in her and her children. Find out if she has any hobbies, what her husband’s like, what kinds of things they’re involved with in town. If your city is anything like ours, you’re sure to make at least one connection by talking about the things you’re both involved with. By discussing your “social resumé,” you’ll quickly identify if you have enough in common to continue this mommy-mance.
Of course, the world’s an interesting place because we’re not all the same, and it’s good to have friends with different interests and hobbies, but the best mommy-mances involve mamas with similar values and goals. I don’t just want mamas that I can call for a playdate or tips on nursing. I want mommy-mances with
mamas who I’d be friends with with or without the kids. These are the mamas who are interested in who I am beyond the mother of Janie and Walt. They know I have interests beyond changing diapers. Inevitably, mom stuff will come up in conversation because it’s what we do, but we won’t only “talk shop.”
Striking up a conversation and finding out about one another’s interests and families is a quick and easy way to find out if this PMF encounter will lead to a mommy-mance. If PMF has a bumper sticker that says “Keep Your Rosaries Off My Ovaries” or their child is on a leash, those might be clues we’re not meant to be Best Mama Friends Forever (BMFF). If we’re not meant to be BMFF, that’s okay. No harm, no foul. We might still meet up and get the kids together, but this isn’t a mama I’m likely to continue mama-mancing to see if we’ll take it to the next level–the mamas out for coffee or shopping date level.
If, however, PMF mentions things like volunteering for EPS, her husband is in Knights of Columbus, or we share an addiction to Pinterest, these might be clues that she’s meant to be my mommy-mate. It could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Mommy-mates are able to get the kids together for playdates, have a little soul sister time, and, if all goes well, maybe even the husbands will hit it off!
Be bold, be brave, and get ready for Step 4.
4. Suggest meeting up again
You had a great conversation, the kids got along well, and you seem to have a lot in common. It’s time to secure a second playdate. So as not to seem too pushy or over-excited to make a new mama friend, keep it a casual, public date.
“It was so nice meeting you! The kids seem to get along really well, and I’d love to see you again. We’re going to the children’s museum next week. Would you and your kids want to meet up?”
If you were never one to ask guys out on dates, this might be really uncomfortable for you. Be brave. Put yourself out there. There’s no shame in having a mom tell you some excuse if they’re not ready for a mommy-mance. You’re a fun mama and your kids are great. Who wouldn’t want to be your BMFF?
Pick a specific time and place and get back in touch with your dating days by giving PMF your digits and getting hers. That’s all there is to it.
Congratulations! You just picked up a mama and secured a second playdate!
