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| In her favorite spot, the lamb swing |
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| Two-month picture |
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| We found these sunglasses when we were out shopping and had to try ’em on her! |
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| Jane and Larry. They were buddies before Janie started walking. |
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| Our big-eyed girl |
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| Going for a stroll around the neighborhood |
When I stop taking my job as a mom so seriously and stop wondering about whether or not I’m doing the right thing, I let everything else wait while I play with the kids. Now that my house cleaning routine is a habit, I’m a better, smarter housekeeper. Even last week, when the kids were in the throes of Hand-Foot-Mouth Disease and I had whatever awful bug hit me, there was a semblance of order around here that we maintained out of habit. The house has never looked better, and I am spending more time than ever just loving on the babies. Naturally, we’re all thrilled with this change of pace.
Perhaps the biggest perk is that I’m breaking free of what I call “Stay-At-Home Mom Guilt.” Certainly, guilt is a good, healthy thing when it signals we’ve done something wrong that needs to be rectified. Other times, though, we bow down to external pressures to be a certain way or feel badly when we don’t meet our self-imposed guidelines.
Before I got our house in order, I would experience an emotional pendulum swing every time I carved out time to play with the kids. I swung from pleasure to guilt. Pleasure to guilt. Pleasure to guilt.
Pleasure. I’d be tickling the kids on the ground between stories and think, “Oh! This is awesome! I love being a mom. Look at them! They’re so happy. Oh, I can’t get enough of those giggles.”
Then the emotional pendulum swung the other direction. Guilt. “You’ve been playing with the kids for half an hour. You’ve read every book in the bin twice. Better get back to work.”
I’d either feel like I was being too extravagant in the attention I was giving the children or feel like I was neglecting them when I gave them less than 100% of my attention. It was rotten because I’d feel awful when the house looked awesome because I knew I hadn’t spent much time with the kids, and I felt awful about the state of the house when I spent a bunch of time with the kids. Stay-At-Home Mom Guilt.
I don’t know if I’ll ever go to bed and say to myself, “I feel like I struck the perfect balance today.” For now, this is my litmus test of a good day:
Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, also writes a column for Good Housekeeping. Thanks to the gift of a magazine subscription from my thoughtful mother-in-law, I look forward to reading Gretchen’s practical tips in each month’s issue. And, yes, Gretchen and I are on a first name basis.
In the May 2012 issue, Gretchen wrote a column called “Built-In Happiness: How to get it and keep it.” According to her, there are three keys to happiness:
1. Self-knowledge
2. Anticipation
3. Love
1. Self-knowledge
Basically, you need to know what your values, interests, likes/dislikes are. Know yourself, and accept who you are when you want to build-in happiness. Gretchen says, “I’ve found that the more faithfully I’m able to ‘be Gretchen’ in my daily life, the happier I become.”
I laughed out loud when she goes on in the article to say this: “Your fun may not look like other people’s fun. I myself love to help other people clean out their closets. Skiing, no way–but cleaning out a friend’s closets? That I anticipate with relish.” This woman is my kindred spirit! I recently spent an evening sipping wine and cleaning out a gal pal’s closet, and I loved every second of it!
I am learning to accept that my idea of fun is soooooooooooooooooooo lame to other people. Instead of trying to cool-ify my interests like I would have in the past, I’m learning that it makes me happier to keep doing what I love. Now, this isn’t my attempt to say, “Yay, hedonism! If it feels good, do it! If it doesn’t, avoid it!” Certainly there are some things that might be difficult for us to do that we ought to be doing. For example, just because it might be difficult for me to get up out of bed before the kids so that I can have quiet prayer time, it doesn’t mean I should stay in bed. (Speaking of which, it’s April, and I still haven’t accomplished this New Year’s Resolution! Dear reader, I’m counting on you to hold me accountable to accomplishing that. Yes, you.)
Beyond doing the stuff we ought to be doing that we’re not, what I’m getting at is that most of us are over-scheduled and tend to get overwhelmed, “working for the weekend.” Instead of using that coveted free time doing something that you really don’t enjoy, do some humbling introspection, figure out what your interests really are, and find out if the people you love want to do them with you. If no one you know shares your interest, maybe it’s time to branch out and make some new friends who share your interest in biking or scrapbooking.
2. Anticipation
This is my favorite part of the article, and this is the part I need to work on the most: building in the things that make me happy by literally making appointments for them. Otherwise, it’s too easy for me to talk myself out of doing the thing that makes me happy because the guilt of all of the other things I think need to get done take over.
“We should all be able to flip through our calendars and see at least a few pleasant things scheduled for future weeks. If your life is a parade of obligations, dreaded tasks, unpleasant encounters, and mandatory appearances, take a minute to figure out something that you’d find fun, and make time for it. Wish you had more time to talk in the park with your dog? To work on a craft project? To have coffee with your sister? Schedule it into your calendar like you would a dentist appointment. Even before it happens, you’ll get a happiness boost every time you anticipate it. (Also, if you put it on your calendar, you’ll be far more likely to actually do it.)”
I need to start looking at my calendar and day-to-day routine to figure out how I can build in these interests and hobbies and build up my relationships.
Philip and I talk all the time about how we need to go to bed earlier, and we both enjoy reading. Philip and I need to schedule bedtime to happen at a reasonable, fixed time so that we know the next episode of “Downton Abbey” will be waiting for us tomorrow and that it’s time to have some quiet reading time together in bed.
Instead of ending a playdate with “see you guys soon,” why not end it with, “Would you guys like to come over next Thursday at 10 and stay for lunch?”
Instead of leaving the scrapbook left for whenever I’ll get around to it next, why not write “Scrapbooking 8:30 p.m.” on the calendar for Tuesday night after the kids have gone to bed, and let Philip know that I’d like to spend that time working at my craft station while he does some hobby of his own?
3. Love
We need others to be happy, but we need to be independent enough to love ourselves first.
“Strong relationships with other people are critical to a happy life. We need close, long-lasting relationships; we need to belong; we need to give and receive support–perhaps surprisingly, giving support is just as important to happiness as getting support. Not only does having strong relationships make it far more likely that you’ll take joy in life, but studies show that it also lengthens life (incredibly, even more than stopping smoking), boosts immunity, and cuts the risk of depression.”
Now that I’m staying at home, I am learning that I need to get out of the house and be with other people I love to get through the winter or usually isolating times (like having a newborn baby). Literally being cooped up all to ourselves without interaction with the outside world would drive me crazy in the winter months. The days that were hardest to get out of the house because someone missed a nap or I was frustrated with something were the days that we needed to get out the most.
“To connect more deeply with people, I need to build my independent happiness…By being emotionally self-sufficient, I free myself (well, admittedly, only somewhat) from depending on other people to boost me up or letting them drag me down. When I have my own built-in happiness, I don’t act like a happiness vampire who sucks happy energy from other people or craves a lifeblood of praise, affirmation, or reassurance to support my happiness.”
I don’t know about you, but when I read that, I had a lightbulb moment. We all know people who can be the “happiness vampires” in our lives, sucking out our happiness and zest for life with their doomy gloomy negat
ivity or self-centeredness. Or, maybe we’re those “happiness vampires” for others. Some of us are blessed to have more people in our lives who boost us up than the “happiness vampires.” The danger of these feelings and being too attached to this world (and its people) is what Gretchen is writing about–allowing ourselves to be on a daily emotional rollercoaster ride whose ups and downs are determined by the people around us and their emotions.
Being independently happy isn’t necessarily selfish (unless, of course, it becomes your sole focus in life!). What I think Gretchen is getting at is that we will be happier, and consequently, the people around us will be happier, if we don’t mirror back the negativeness of the “happiness vampires,” and we’re happy enough independently of others to not live from one moment of praise or reassurance to the next.
Empathy is a beautiful thing, and we all need other people with which to share in life’s ups and downs and to make us feel understood. The danger, though, is depending on others too deeply and allowing them to knock us down or be the only way we feel built up.
So, build-in some happiness in your life! Follow Gretchen’s 3 steps:
How have you built-in happiness in your life? Do you already do some of these things?
Janie developed a high fever last Thursday. A day later, she had bright, red spots all over her body. Hubby Dr. Phil quickly diagnosed Hand-Foot-Mouth Disease. He said there was nothing to do but keep her hydrated and stop her from itching the rash to prevent infection.
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| Sleeping with her “friends” Sunday |
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| Feeding the ducks (a new family tradition) after lunch on Sunday |
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| The rash |
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| Cuddling Teddy and Barney on Thursday |
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| Breakfast with Monty Friday morning |
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| Walt found Monty’s toys |
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| Coming to get me with his fantastic bed-head |
I am very blessed to have a husband who takes on more than his fair share around the house. I owe Philip’s wonderful parents a big “thank you” for raising him to treat our marriage as a partnership. Philip routinely offers to cook, bake, clean, offer me a break when he gets home from work, or do any other odd job around the house–all in addition to working very hard as a pediatric resident. When I’m pregnant (which, in recent history, has been a good amount), he takes on even more. What a guy, huh?
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| Changing Janie’s diaper our first night home from the hospital |
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| Helping Janie put on her princess boots, Christmas 2011 |
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| Cuddling Walt after his bottle |
Although Philip has always been a good sport about helping out, I’ve only recently figured out that he needs my encouragement with helping out, and that I need to take the time to encourage him. It’s taken me almost four years of marriage to figure out the best way to encourage him. In my experience, it takes 2 things:
Both of these things sound intuitive, but for blockheads like me, it still takes practice.
1. Verbally acknowledge and thank him for all of the things he does around the house that are helpful.
Now that I’m at home with the kids full-time, my days are filled with all kinds of little things that I do on a routine basis. Philip has always been great at noticing and showing me that he notices.
“Hey, did you vacuum and dust? I can tell. It looks great!”
“Oh, thanks for refilling the soap in the bathroom.”
“Thanks for dinner. I think that recipe is a keeper.”
Simply saying all of these little things adds up to me feeling appreciated and acknowledged. Being a stay-at-home mom can be a thankless job (especially before the kids are even talking!), but Philip is so good at filling up my bucket simply by noticing and thanking me for the little stuff.
You’d think that I would intuitively reciprocate, but I’m embarrassed to say I’ve had to train myself to thank Philip for all of the little things he does. I’ve always noticed when Philip shows initiative and takes care of something around the house, but sometimes I’ll forget to tell him.
I might see that he’s refilled the diapers in the changing table, but before I thank him, I’m likely to get distracted by a crying toddler, a diaper pail that needs emptying, or a ringing phone. Instead of circling back to thanking Philip for refilling the diapers, I forget and move on with my day. He doesn’t help out around the house for the thanks, but when he’s done a few things and they aren’t acknowledged, he must feel that his efforts aren’t appreciated.
I am working on thanking Philip for the things I see as soon as I can or make a mental note to thank him later. He really appreciates the recognition and thanks for his efforts to help out, especially when he goes the extra mile.
2. Tell him what a hot hunk of a man he is when he helps out.
What guy doesn’t like being told by his wife that she thinks he’s a total hottie? Ladies, why
not tell your husband he’s a total hottie for helping out?
Guys, we’re not just telling you you’re hot to get you to help out. We really do think you’re irresistible when you help out–especially when you do something a certain way because we’ve asked you to (read: because we think it’s the right way to do it).
Philip started tri-folding his towel and wiping the lint off of the dryer top when he does laundry. That’s hot.
Philip intercepted me on my way to change Walt’s dirty diaper and said, “Let me do it.” Even hotter.
Philip did the dinner dishes, cleaned the sink, wiped down the counters, and took out the trash. Cowboy, take me away!
To really drive the point home, ladies, employ a little embarrassing PDA in front of the kids–especially if they’re at the age that they think you’re gross. Jane’s still young enough to think it’s funny, and Walt just laughs at whatever Jane laughs at.
After an especially helpful afternoon, I threw my arms around Philip’s neck and said in my most irresistible voice, “Have I ever told you how hot it is when you cook and change dirty diapers?” Naturally, Philip was pleasantly surprised. Jane and Walt laughed at us from the kitchen table, and Philip told them to avert their eyes while he gave me an embarrassingly long kiss. You’d think we were doing stand-up from the reaction the peanut gallery gave us.
In conclusion:
Your hubby wants you to keep thinking he’s hot + you think he’s hot when he helps out + you tell him that he’s hot when he helps out and thank him for his efforts = a happy, helpful husband
